It’s a record-setting fourth MVP trophy for the elder Manning, and it was not close. Chris Johnson didn’t receive a single vote, because as every sports writer knows, only quarterbacks are truly valuable. THEY TOUCH THE BALL MORE THAN ANYONE! At least Johnson is handling the slight with humor on his Twitter feed. He can do that, because he doesn’t keep his guns in the locker room.

Via TSB

Item first. The Philadelphia Mensa chapter posted this video of them taunting Brandon Jacobs before the first Iggles-Giants game this season. Jacobs can’t help but remind this brain trust of Philly’s earlier loss to the Raiders. I don’t understand why Jacobs thinks this is an insult. There’s no shame it in a narrow defeat at the hands of the mighty S&B. [ OTR ]

Item two. Atlanta Falcons’ defensive tackle Justin Jonathan Babineaux apologized for his recent arrest after he was pulled over with a shitton of weed in his car. “I want to apologize to Mr. Blank, coach Smith and Thomas Dimitroff and also the fans, most importantly,” said the fifth year veteran out of Iowa. “I’m embarrassed to be standing here in front of you guys, but as you guys are all aware, it’s an ongoing legal matter and I can’t talk about it or answer any ques—Hey man, did you ever notice what a weird name I have… Baaaa-buh-no. Buh-buh-Babineaux! Babineauxbabineauxbabineaux. Sheeeeeit man, I need to get some Pop Tarts. Where the hell did I put my keys?”

Item three: Zulu Cthulhu is telling people that Ted Ginn, Jr. was a no-show for an impromptu match race in the streets of Miami earlier this year. Mike Berardino at SunSentinel.com reports that Chris Johnson says he encountered Ginn and Joey Porter at a party where he issued a challenge:

“It was real,” Johnson said Wednesday during a conference call with South Florida reporters. “We were at a pool party and [Ginn] was talking. I said, ‘Let’s go.’ We were going to race down Ocean Drive there in Miami.”

Johnson, wearing tennis shoes, said he headed down to the street, ready to race, a crowd no doubt gathering for this historic event between two track stars turned NFL ballers. Bengals WR Chad Ochocinco was there. So was Titans quarterback Vince Young. It was really going to happen, except for one little problem.

“[Ginn] never showed up,” Johnson said.

Maybe the stakes weren’t high enough to get Ginn (pictured at left) to show up. Johnson should have pulled a Danny Zuko and challenged Ginn to race for pinks.

When confronted about his absence, Ginn was defensive. “Nah man, I was there. I was just movin’ so fast they couldn’t see me. Like the Flash an’ shit. Watch this, Imma run across this room and back. PEEE-OOW! Back already. It prolly looked like I didn’t move at all. That’s how fast this enGINNe runs, son.” [ thx Lt. Winslow ]

The freshly KSK nicknamed Zulu Cthulhu can help the suddenly adequate Vince Young take down the unbeaten Colts this weekend, but for now he’s gotten himself entangled in a pointless wager with an NBA player. Yes, the gauntlet has been thrown – the Celtics Rajon Rondo and Chris Johnson must meet in a footrace for the ages. And by that, I mean one Zulu will win easily.

Chris Johnson had a 40 time of 4.24 at the 2008 combine. Rondo is reputed to be one of the fastest players in the NBA, though according to Shoals’ back of the envelope calculations of other quick NBA players running the 3/4 court sprint, he doesn’t stand much of a chance. Before we get to any of that, I’d like for us to pin down just how much money is at stake.

The tweet says two grand, but Johnson was quoted thusly in the Nashville City Paper:

“He called me and told me what Rondo was saying. So I went on Twitter and said, that’s easy money,” Johnson said. “That’s cool if he wants to lose $200,000. I had to go public with it. He must be stupid. It won’t be no close race.”

There’s a chance he misspoke or the reporter heard him wrong. If not, damn, that’s raising the stakes.

Let’s not forget that while Johnson might be technically speedier, he fails to take in account that the LEGENDAHY BAHSTAN FAITHFUL CAN WILL OW-AH DAAAHHHKKIEEE TAH VICTAHY! Ow-ah suppaht can shave AT LEAST fo-uh seconds awf his time.

Part African warrior, part unstoppable cosmic terror, Zulu Cthulhu gon’ ruin your day.