Steelers fans have been a veritable cornucopia of entertainment the past few weeks. Some are cute, some are angry, some are just plain baffling. But the majority involve Yinzers who aren’t shy about going back for fourthsies at The Golden Corral’s pork fat buffet.

This one is no exception, as a husky lad leads us through the intricacies of the “Chicken Dance”. I’ve never been a fan, but there is no denying the song’s enduring appeal. It seems nearly every wedding reception I’ve ever attended has included the trifecta of the Chicken Dance, the Electric Slide and– once everyone is halfway in the bag– Clarence Carter’s “Strokin’.” All three will no doubt be on Steel City play-lists tonight in the event of a Pittsburgh victory.
 

A country radio station in Pittsburgh charged morons two bits a pop to take a sledge hammer to a (simeon) rice burner fine Amurican automobile painted up in Arizona Cardinals colors. Even though it’s all for charity, I initially thought the whole thing was pointless and silly. (“Take that inanimate object that has no connection whatsoever to the team I suddenly hate!”) But after further reflection, I’m all for Stillers fans relieving their fat aggressions in socially-approved channels. Beats domestic violence and destruction of private property.

Fast forward to the :50 second mark for the big highlight, which led to the following colloquy:

me: Peep Yokozuna.

Ape: He should replace Willie Colon.

Me: He should replace his own colon.

Maj: Mr. Fuji approves.

Me: WTF is the thing fatass picks up off the ground and shows to the camera? I thought it was a broken cell phone, but that’s not it.

Ape:Portable barbecue?

Me: Insulin pump?

Maj: Tape recorder… Note to self: remember to go to Eat ‘N Park for the midnight buffet.

Drew: If you’re going to post a transcript of this, can you work in a subtle, off-hand plug for Men With Balls?

Me: Eat a dick with your turkey chili.

[ Y108 ]

Sure, some Steelers fans are going to accuse KSK of posting this video solely to make them look bad. Au contraire, I am posting this because I wanted to prove to the world that Sealab is a real place and that Captain Murphy roots for the black and gold. Work it, you nimble little minx you.

Steelers fans’ primary method of expressing affection for their team seems to be the time-honored craft of song parody. Which brings us to this nugget from “Steeler Dan & the Roethlis Burgers”. It’s not the best Steeler-themed parody to come along this month and maybe it’s not the worst– but it’s definitely the most annoying.

Fun Fact: The anthropomorphic foodstuffs say “Roethlisberger” fourteen times, it only seems like a quadrillion.

I wouldn’t blame anyone who couldn’t make it through the whole thing. However, I highly recommend the unintentional comedy of the “Ooooo, Pol-a-maluuuuuuu” part. I’ve had that in my head for two days now.

Get ready for the best day of football of the season for real fans. In two weeks, all the asshole casual fans and those professing to be “attracted to the cultural spectacle” will be mucking things up for the rest of us.

[ Update: from the comments, let's give credit where it's due: Dick Banks, ladies and gentlemen. ]

“I don’t know what’s wrong with my parents.” Well for starters- Dad’s got no teeth, Mom’s got no neck. And neither of them are able to resist the urge to buy any cheap piece of junk with a team logo slapped on it. I am now officially off the fence– goooooo Arizona!!!!

Hirsute loverman Dolfan Dan does the Super Bowl Truffle Shuffle. After this disturbing turn of events, I am retrospectively glad Miami got that ass beat last weekend.

Don Shula must be spinning in his grave. He’s not dead or anything; he just loves to strap his coffin to a big gyroscope and go for a whirl. He says it livelies up the old blood. Funny guy.

Far be it from me to mock anyone’s irrational beliefs, I have plenty of my own. But this video of Kurt Warner drawing God made me feel a little awkward on his behalf. But then, who am I to question whatever it is that makes Kurt’s mojo work? After all, if Carolina is foolish enough to get drawn into a shootout Saturday night, Warner is a game away from going back to the Super Bowl.

While Warner’s gridiron bona fides are above reproach, his drawing is short of divine. First of all, he starts out drawing God, but then he says he is really drawing Jesus. C’mon dude, pick one! I conducted a Kwick KSK straw-poll to determine who Warner’s drawing really looks like. Here are the responses I got:

• Chuck Manson
• Osama’s pubes
• Creepy Jesus
• Davendra Banhart

Conclusion: As far as artists go, Warner makes for a good rapidly-aging quarterback. Our good friend LSUfreek has another idea about the source of Warner’s greatness:

Morten Andersen will likely be remembered as the most prolific kicker in NFL history and not, thankfully for him, his 1994 talk show. In this segment, Andersen comes off as patronizing and a tad lecherous as he interviews some NFL cheerleaders. Sure, I could just sit back and let you watch it without my uproarious, yet insightful, commentary– but that’s no fun for me. Let’s break it down, shall we:

0:05 Mr. Andersen’s wardrobe furnished by “Antoine’s”, Bourbon Street’s finest t-shirt stand. Check out their selection of Mardi Gras beads and alligator skulls.

0:35 I buy my shelf-paper by the waguespack, it’s more economical that way.

0:41 The Sainstsations have evolved, they have three boobs now.

1:15 “Hot chicks running in slow motion. It worked for ‘Baywatch’ and it will work for Morten Andersen.”

1:30 “No, my mother has not killed anyone on my behalf” WTF, Morty?

1:56 Right off the bat he asks Kristi if she can date players. Those European guys, always with the smooth-talk. “But you can date players from teams besides the Falcons, right?”

2:25 It’s just a coincidence Andersen went to Atlanta the following season, right?

2:48 Wow, the budget for the show’s set must have been in the tens.

3:09 Psssst, go to camera two.

3:12 “I can’t remember if I’ve seen you at road games. You are insignificant. I want to talk to the blonde some more.”

4:21 There’s no more bitter rivalry than the Falcons and Saints??? Egad, he must have eaten some tainted eel.

4:30 “No really… scratch and claw a little bit for me. Please.”

4:58 C’mon Angie, no one wants to be like Morten. Not even Morten wants to be like Morten.

5:15 Aw, hell no.

5:20 You can tell Morten is dying to ask if the trading cards also list “measurements” and “turn-ons”.

5:55 “Seriously, have you heard anything? The guys won’t talk to me because I’m just a kicker. The last time I even made eye-contact with Pat Swilling, he gave me a wedgie”

6:19 “GAWDAMMIT SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT DEION!!!”

6:40 Wow, that’s a lot of forced laughter.

6:50 This is a pretty complex series of maneuvers, that must be why Kristi is sitting this one out. Not because she is creeped out by Morten or anything.

7:20 Water polo? You wacky Dane!

Rivers Cuomo Paul Brogan has a new NFL-themed Christmas video. The Pride of Tacoma drops timely references to the playoffs and other NFL news, including KSK favorite Plaxico Burress.

Speaking of Plaxico, I was listening to Fox Sports Radio over the weekend (all the fun of watching the games, except, y’know, you can’t see anything) and former Bear/Colt Jay Leeuwenberg kept adding an extra syllable to Burress’ first name. The way he pronounced it, “Plaxico” rhymed with “Calexico”. I think I like it better that way. Feliz Navidad, Palexico.