Last night saw Brett Favre lined up wide in the wildcat package and the veteran gunslinger put together a perfect demonstration of the illegal crackback block on Houston’s Eugene Wilson. And what’s this? The broadcast booth is criticizing him?

Where’s Tony Kornheiser to offer up excuses when we need him?!

How’s he supposed to know how to block, he’s a QUARTERBACK!

Occasionally, I like to act like a big man and savagely mock well-intentioned YouTube videos. In this one, ShelleyK80 is celebrating a supposed milestone regarding Houston’s erstwhile football team, while expounding upon her personal travails. Let’s join in the fun, shall we?

0:01 – First of all. the Houston Oilers are not turning 50 because they are fucking dead. Do you understand me? Dead. They are no more turning 50 than Jimi Hendrix is turning 28. Comprende?

0:19 – Visiting the doctor you say? No chance pain killers will be involved, is there?

0:25 – Drinking the Beast tallboys, so despite a rough start, she could still be a chill chick.

0:35 – Apparently that punkazz muthafucka TotalSoapAddict been sleepin’ on her titays.

0:48 – My shit does not come from a 99 cent store, it comes from a gumball machine—GET IT STRAIGHT ASSHOLE!

1:01- Suddenly she is making tangential references an intricate set of rules that she assumes viewers are familiar with.

1:16- 2: 30 – Christ, wouldn’t it have been easier to email this long-winded rambling explanation to directly to MojoKaos. Seriously, at this point I have no earthly idea what she is talking about. Something about pen-pals for prison inmates. Does she know Rae Carruth?

3:08 – That’s not a throwback jersey and that’s not Warren Moon… it’s Dan Pastorini, if you please.

3:28 – Ah yes, the original Staubach, made from * rapid tugs on sleeve *.

3:40 – A detour into an intriguing, if slightly unfocused tale of a late-night phone call and a stolen wallet containing 10, 60, 70 or even 355 dollars.

4:45 SHE KNOWS IT WAS YOU! YOU DIDN’T REALLY THINK YOU WERE GOING TO GET AWAY WITH IT DID YOU? SHE KNOW IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB YOU BITCH!

5:49 – So she has caller ID to know not to answer the phone, but still doesn’t know who called to tell her wallet was in the mailbox?!?

6:18 – It’s not very often that an Elvis Presley appearance actually decreases the redneck factor of a video.

6:44 – DEAR FUCKING GOD THAT IS SOME GOOD FUCKING GOSPEL MUSIC!!! IT MAKES ME BELIEVE IN JESUS AND SHIT.

6:59 – Not sure what Cracker Jack rub-on tattoos have to do with “gay-lesbian and all that great stuff”, but whatever.

7:06 – “I like to play with temporary tattoos… by the way, my profile says I’m 29 years old.”

7:20-7:27 awkward silence while she tries to decipher the mystery of the rub-on tattoo.

7: 36 – No, here is YOUR bonus question: is getting shitfaced on the Beast and giving away gumball machine largesse on the internet the way you thought you would be living your life? Think carefully before answering.

8:04 – In other words, he is the perfect guy… except the whole “in prison” part.

It’s funny because Brett Favre is indecisive, you see.

(thanks to Upstate Underdog)

Int. Dolphins HQ two weeks ago.

Executive 1: So we’ve changed the stadium’s name, associated ourselves with Jimmy Buffet, and brought in some other big name owners like Gloria Estefan, Marc Anthony, and Jennifer Lopez. You know, for the fans. Still, I feel like we need something else to get them packing the stands this season.

Executive 2: Well everybody hates the team’s fight song, maybe we could come up with something a little better to improve fan support.

Executive 1: I like where you’re going with that, but a new song will cost money, and frankly we don’t have time to start pricing out songwriters.

Executive 2: Well I happen to know of an artist who can take an existing song and breathe new life into it in a matter of minutes.

Executive 1: Really? What’s this guy’s name? Is he expensive?

Executive 2: His name is T-Pain and he’ll record pretty much anything in exchange for something shiny. My kids say he’s all the rage.

Executive 1: Sounds good. How does he do it?

Executive 2: From what I understand he sings into this magic box and it turns any boring old song into a guaranteed hit that the kids will love for at least a week.

Executive 1: [into intercom] Get me T-Pain’s people on the phone. Oh, and how about that drunk artist who paints all of that annoyingly colorful crap? Yeah, let’s get him in on this project too!

via All Hip Hop

Peter King shows how a man about town can look cool, all while RESPECTING THE SUN. Our own Christmas Ape had some fun with the picture, which you’ll find after the jump. It’s well worth the trip.

Fin.

This afternoon we have another edition of the sporadic “Inside a Tailgate” series. It’s a feature that gives you insight into some of the goings-on with fans around the league. And it gives us a chance to count a YouTube video as a post. Nice.

00:01 – Chubs tells “Reggie Wane” that he will handle the introduction duties. I’ve just seen this guy, but I have always been able to make snap judgments about people. I predict this guy will open his introduction with some Proust before making a dry self-deprecating observation on the human condition. That, or quoting Stone Cold Steve Austin. It could go either way.

0:03 – Hitch up you sweatpants, Bulbous Fett.

0:08 – Waiting for his cue… Biscuits ‘n’ Gravy here is used to working with professionals. Give his ass a countdown, you clod.

0:10 – “HEY! WE’RE COLTS FANS!” This is your brilliant introduction? This is the least expository introduction in the history of introducing stuff. Christ, this thing is already going downhill.

0:16 – Now he introduces Shawne Merriman, “defensive player for the Chargers”. Dude, if we don’t already know who he is, your impression is kind of pointless.

0:20 – This guy seems to shortchanging Merriman’s surname by a full syllable– pronouncing it ‘Merman’. It seems they fear this Mer-Man and thinks he intends to drag them before King Poseidon and his briny palace in Atlantis.

0:24 – Two days later, he moaned and flopped in precisely the same manner when the EMT administered the defibrillator.

0:31 – “RETARD….OUT!” He says it like that’s his end communication signal.

0:36 – At first I thought it was a novelty helmet, merely festooning his head whimsically before the big game. I know realize he is living with a serious head injury and that thing is a medical necessity under doctor’s orders.

I’m the most sensitive person in the world to people hating on my team, but I can’t resist this deranged video comparing the Steelers unfavorably to the New York Yanks football team. If you say you haven’t heard of the Yanks, you’ve clearly been sleeping, because according to this video, they practice on a tropical atoll and have won 12 Super Bowls compared to the Steelers’ paltry three. Not only that, but the Yanks have a much more macho dead celebrity trainer and a thugged out Ben Franklin on their logo. Hate to say it, but: advantage Yanks.

Tip of the hat to PSAMP for digging up this honey mustard sauce-dipped nugget of concentrated insanity.

In the immortal words of Nasir Jones, “F*#k Jay Z.” Sure, Jay can still bring it, but if everyone listened to him we wouldn’t have a gem like this from DJ Steve Porter. The video is heavy on AI (with good reason) before venturing into our domain. First comes the remix of Jim Mora’s legendary “Playoffs?” explosion, then there’s Mike Gundy’s fantastic rant. Eventually (around the 3:30 mark) we get to the good stuff. Namath. Kolber. Autotuned. Enjoy.

Thanks to reader Tomas for sending this our way.

What follows is a glorious slideshow set to the music of the one and only Chuck Brown. We hope you enjoy.

Enjoy your Sexy Friday and have a similarly Sexy weekend.

All images via the indispensable Cleavage Lover. Please feel free to take a look through their overflowing archives and link your favorites in the comments (SFW photos only!)

But that’s not all you can learn from Marty B’s new video tour of his “house” aka Cowboys Stadium. Oh no, there is so much more.

video via DMN