Oh my god oh my god oh my god! It’s happening! IT’S REALLY HAPPENING!

After waiting 16 years, Brett is finally coming to my home state! No more long distance relationship! No more driving hours and hours in the middle of the night to quench my insatiable butt-lust! I just… I can’t believe it. Pleasure overload! Pleasure overload! My God, WHAT DO I WEAR WHEN HE ARRIVES!

(rifles through closet)

Hmmm… the pencil skirt? Too prudish. The brum? (NSFW) Too weird. Oh, I know… the stockings! Stockings and a full-length mink coat for my Bretty! B-b-b-b-Bretty and the Jets!

I can’t believe we’re finally going to be together EVERY DAY. I’m gonna spend the night at his apartment all the time. There are so many things we’re going to be able to do. We can go have dinner in the city. We can go have weekends in the country. We can fuck like animals. It’s gonna be amazing.

I gotta get ready! Better call my wife…

Wife: Hello?

It’s over, dear. I’m so sorry. But Brett is here now. THE BUTTHOLE WANTS WHAT IT WANTS!

I‘m also gonna have to break it off with Tony, Tom, and Peyton. God, I hate doing that. I just loved the way Tony smiled. But I want Brett to know I’m a one-QB journalist! We’re finally going exclusive! I can’t wait to take him to my kid’s first softball game. I can’t wait to show him my garden. I can’t wait to sit with him on the train and bitch about the fact that there are people sitting around us. I can’t wait to grade lunches with him. I can’t wait to feel his manly stubble tickling my ball bag.

I’m gonna bring him over to the NBC set all the time. Collinsworth will be SOOOOO jealous. And I’m totally going to have lunch with him every day at Quizno’s. MAYBE I CAN GET A JOB WITH JETS AND WE CAN WORK TOGETHER!

God, I hope he moves in. Keep your fingers crossed! I know he’s tough to pin down, especially on the bathroom floor. But I think this marks a real turning point in our relationship. I think he’s finally ready to take this things to the next level. God, I can’t wait to have little gunslinger babies with him! I’m so in love!

I’M SO HAPPY NOW! I LOVE MY BRETT!

FINALLY! We won! WE fackin’ won! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

(keys nearby car)

I don’t know how WE did it, but somehow WE fackin’ pulled together as a Nation and fackin’ gawt it done! Even with fackin’ Dahkie Rivahs in chaaaahge! Even with the fackin’ refs havin’ in it far us, like they always do! We thah fans took this team on ow-uh backs and WON IT ALL! ANOTHER FACKIN’ TRIUMPH FAR THAH CELTICS NATION! You fackin’ hatahs out they-ah just gawt sarved up anathah fackin’ dose of fackin’ BEANTOWN GREATNESS!

(smokes thirty Parliaments at the same time)

Gawd, when I think of how fackin’ lawg we’ve been waiting far this title. I had to spend ovah twenty fackin’ yee-ahs nawt giving a fack about the Celtics. Then that one dahkie died. Then that othah fackin’ dahkie died. Then that fackin’ greasy dago Pitino came through the fackin’ do-ah. NO OTHAH FAN BASE COULD PAWSSIBLY UNDAHSTAND WHAT THE FACK WE WENT THROUGH!

(smashes nearby Latino man with pint glass)

And now ow-uh loyalty has been fully repaid! We fackin’ earned this title! No way this team wins jack shit without the legendary suppart of the QUINZEE FAITHFUL! After everything we’ve been through, this title was lawng fackin’ ovahdue! WE DESERVE THIS TITLE MOR-AH THAN ANY FANS OF ANY OTHAH FACKIN’ TEAM HAVE DESERVED ANY OTHAH TITLE!

(keys another car)

I would just like to take this awppahtunity tah extend a haaaaahty FACK YOU to commissionah Rahjah Goodell of the NFL. You fackin’ prick! You let the gawddamn Giants win the Supah Bowl when everyone knows full well that the fackin’ Pats were-ah the bettah team that day. YOU CHEATED US, GOODELL! This should have been the greatest sparts yee-ah one city has evah had. AND YOU DROPPED THE FACKIN’ BAWL! You gawt sam fackin’ nerve, yah fackin’ red-hayuhd assbandit!

(takes off shirt, waves it in air for 90 straight minutes)

I will never farget this! Even when we dawminate, WE CAN’T GET ANY JUSTICE! I won’t be able to enjoy the title as much as I want to now! It’s nawt fackin’ fay-uh! WE WERE-AH RAWBBED!

And to awl yah fackin’ Bawston hatahs out they-ah, I’d like to invite you to FACKIN’ SACK MY CAWK! Jealous much, pillowbitahs? Well, if you can’t appreciate a fackin’ Bawstun team winning a championship, MAYBE YOU DON’T LIKE SPARTS! Far real, you should seriously rethink yar priarities, YAH FACKIN’ LOSAHS! Everyone knows that the warld is a bettah place when a fackin’ Bawston team is on tawp. THIS CANNOT BE DISPUTED! No othah town has this kind of history, or fan base. WE MAKE EVERYTHING BETTAH!

(cranks Godsmack album)

And how can you hate this C’s team? If you love basketball, or only like it when yar team is good like I fackin’ do, THEN YOU GAWTTA LOVE THIS TEAM! Look at Pawl fackin’ Pee-uhce. I never thawt that dahkie would amount to jack shit. Looks like one of my Chaaaaahlestown boys finally stabbed some sense into him! And Kevin Fackin’ Gaaaaaahnet? WE DESERVED HIM! HE’S OW-UHS NOW! And my boy Eddie House! Everyone loves my buddy House! I wish a REAL playah like LARRY FACKIN BIIIIRD were on the team. But what the fack can you do? Gawd, Larry was the greatest EVAH!!!!

This is the kind of team everyone should get down on their fackin’ knees and warship, even if you aaaaaahn’t from hee-ah. Even if yar a Lakah fan. If you can’t appreciate this team or it’s amazing fans, MAYBE YOU DON’T DESERVE TO EVAH BE HAPPY!

(gets 33rd tattoo)

Especially you, Lakah fans. You faggots don’t even show up to the game on time. YOU DIDN’T DESERVE THIS TITLE, YOU CAWK-SACKIN’ ASSFAGS! Maybe you can find some Kleenex is yar fackin’ man-parses, yah fackin’ assticklahs! We Bawston fans show on time, cheer far the home team, and boo the othah team. LET’S SEE SOME OTHAH GROUP OF FANS DO THAT! You guys ahhhh just a bunch of wannabes! Yar just a bunch of fackin’ staaaaahfackahs!

Omigawd, is that Matt Damon? HOLY SHIT, MATT DAMON IS AWN MY FACKIN’ STREET! HE’S NAWT LIKE THE REST OF HOLLYWOOD! HE’S TRUE TO HIS ROOTS! MATTY, GIVE TAWMMY AN AWWWTOGRAPH!

Damon: Get away from me.

No prawblem, Matty! You ahhhh the fackin’ MAN!

(keys one last car)

So savor this moment, Bawston fans. Once again, we have proven that no one can fackin’ stawp us! Sack on that, Kobe! For once, YOU gawt the surpise buttfackin’!

YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK! YANKEES SACK!

UPDATE: Yup, just as I expected