Kissing Suzy Kolber » you poor Lions fans

What a Surprise.

Captain Caveman — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:30:51 +0000

Whoa, whoa, whoa… tickets are still available to the Lions-Seahawks game this Sunday because Detroit fans aren’t going to make the trip? But this is the weekend’s premiere matchup between a 1-6 team and a 2-5 team! Hell, the last time these two teams faced off, the final score was 9-6! Barns: burned. WHEEEEEE!!!

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: NFC North

Christmas Ape — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:30:30 +0000

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

Like that forced grin is gonna last

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:

Jay Cutlerfucker has finally found a team where he can be appreciated, one with an outsized expectation to finally have a quarterback carry them on their shoulders and deliver wins seemingly out of nowhere. Yup, he’ll cave after three regular season pass attempts.

Greg Olsen hopes to benefit in a newfound Bears passing game. And if those benefits include underage girls, all the better.

Hoping to buck the impression that he’s an old guy, Orlando Pace logged onto Twitter the other day. The result: he and that porn bot following him are expecting four children already.

Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.

The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.

DETROIT LIONS

Five Fast Facts About the Lions:

Grady Jackson will eat all remaining foodstuffs in the Detroit area, thus engendering the cannibalism we have so longed for in this economy.

Larry Foote actually wanted to play for this team. No joke. He did. All 16 games. He means it. Okay, not fair of the camera to linger on him to make sure he keeps a straight face.

Maurice Morris missed his golden opportunity to star in the porn version of the Eminem vehicle, 8 Inch. In Gran Pornio, however, he will rectify this.

Ronald Curry sounds like an Indian version of Ronald McDonald. Always bothered me that he hasn’t embraced this.

Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Five ~~Fat~~ Fast Facts About the Packers:

Jermichael Finley tried to cram Jermaine and Michael into one first name, did it, and spend a lifetime regretting it.

Hoping to spring back from injury plagued 2008 campaign, Atari Bigby sat down, read through the Bible, noted some key passages, mulled them over, prayed for convalescence, and was met in his sleep by the beneficent god of dreadlocks, who vowed to listen to his pleas and share them in exaggerated anecdotes with friends. End result: laughter from friends, no better health for Atari.

Former USC linebacker Clay Matthews pairs with former Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk to activate a water fountain. Matthews hits button while Hawk drinks. Sadly they figure this out after considerable effort out midway through the third quarter of Week 9’s game in Raymond James Stadium.

Aaron Rodgers had a good statistical season last year. Any chance he can repeat? I dunno, ask these wonderful STATISTICS you place so much import in. DON’T THEY JUST KNOW EVERYTHING!

Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:

Chester Taylor mistakenly clicked on one of those Cartoon Yourself ads and now he’s stuck in an episode of Duckman.

Sage Rosenfels hates Brett Favre, just like you and me. Not because he’s a goy, but because he’s a SOUTHERN goy.

Percy Harvin, quite the weed aficionado, starts growing his own strain as a Viking called Major Glad.

Having traded in on the 2008 dick flashing trend and lacking ideas for the 2009 season, Visante Shiancoe continues showing his cock following each Vikings game, drawing mostly apathy from reporters. That is until he puts clown makeup on his cock in Week 11. That’ll change everything.

Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.

The Lions Are Doing Awesomer Than EVAR!!!!

Captain Caveman — Wed, 13 May 2009 13:00:35 +0000

Not only did the Lions NOT learn from Jon Kitna’s 10-win guarantee two seasons ago, their front office is still hilariously cutting corners. Yahoo’s Michael Silver pulls two Millenesque examples of Detroit being Detroit in his most recent column. The man making the Kitna-like promise? Second-year tailback Kevin Smith, who wrote on his blog:

“We will definitely make the playoffs this season. Believe it or not we weren’t far off last year. Almost every game we could have won, we were one play or one player short. Except for Tennessee on Thanksgiving, they just came out and beat us to sleep. They manhandled us, but nobody else did.”

That’s a totally fair and accurate assess– **COUGH**Week 2 vs. Green Bay: L, 48-25 / Week 3 at San Fancisco: L, 31-13 / Week 5 vs. Chicago: L, 34-7 / Week 10 vs. Jacksonville: 38-14 / Week 12 vs. Tampa Bay: 38-20 / Week 16 vs. New Orleans: L, 42-7**COUGH** Sorry, I just can’t seem to shake this swine flu.

Oh but wait: there’s more. The other slice of trivia pie (it’s orange for sports & leisure!) from Silver is this story from Terry Foster of the Detroit News:

Lions season-ticket holder Todd Taylor , who commutes from Chicago to attend Lions home games, and his buddy Jim Allen from Royal Oak were stoked when Taylor won a replica Kevin Smith jersey during the Lions’ draft party at Ford Field.

But something was strange about the No. 34 jersey. The Smith name on the back looked bulky. So they cut it off and were shocked to see the name Jones underneath.

It appears the Lions repurposed some old Kevin Jones jerseys, turning them into Smith jerseys and gave them away to season-ticket holders.

Oh man, I hope Matt Stafford doesn’t wear #8 next season. Just think of all those priceless Kitna jerseys that might get ruined!

You Should Have Added a Thorn in Its Paw!

Christmas Ape — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:00:11 +0000

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: Royal iconographers! What news of the design of the my kingdom’s crest?

Royal iconographers: [Together] Thy task be done!

Fail Lion: You mean you did my bidding in a timely manner? Within the allotted period? Such deeds bespeak success! IT WAS MY DECREE THAT SUCCESS BE BANISHED FROM MINE EYES!

Royal iconographers: [Together] My liege, we submit that we did exceed your budget by a factor of three.

Fail Lion: I suppose that will do. Show me the fruits of thine labors.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have added The Lines of Articulation! Now the royal banner has become slightly less abstract. The Lines of Articulation define a lion’s mouth, his mane and his crotchular fold. What’s more, the team font has been equipped with pointy serifs. A man could be impaled upon one.

Fail Lion: Lines of Articulation!? I asked for stink lines! Herald!

Herald: [Unfurls scroll]

Fail Lion: Do you not see the effect? Pungent fore and aft! He achieves both rectal gaseous and halitotal stink! Truly emblematic of our peoples.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have then failed to carry out thy will, your majesty.

Fail Lion: Ho ho! So you have! Speak of other changes.

Royal iconographers: [Together] The team color is to be named Honolulu blue! Such an appellation, by reminding your subjects of better climes, only serves to reinforce their misery.

Fail Lion: [Giddily clapping] Atrocious! Abysmal! Expertly awful!

Royal iconographers: [Together] And we have needlessly rounded and italicized the jersey numbers.

Fail Lion: Ah, but every kingdom makes that failure with jersey redesign.

Royal iconographers: [Together] Then we have failed at being distinctive, as well as creating tasteful uniforms.

Fail Lion: Thy wisdom shines through. Such is a garment fit for a Stafford. Ready his quarters, for his will be glorious welcome. The groans of my subjects will strike a most melodious pitch.

[Kazoos play]

“The Lions can suck a half nuts!”

flubby — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:24:54 +0000

I’d like to think that somehow William Clay Ford, Sr. saw this video through his monocle and deemed it the last straw for Matt Millen. “Egad, if a long-time fan like Mike Baby, who has been with us for a whole eight years, doesn’t want to fucking talk to the Lions anymore then I must terminate Millen’s employment posthaste!”

In case you missed it, here’s a recap of Mike’s BITCH LIST:

* Jon Kitna
* Calvin Johnson
* Jeff Backus
* “The Rookie”
* Dude who tries in vain to rally support for the Lions

Ha! That white guy told the black guy with the funny accent to “Go home!” That’s some original shit right there. And you know what the black guy did? He totally got into his Camry and drove back to Berrien Springs. In your face!

This Is The Year I Finally Get It Not Quite So Disastrously Wrong

Big Daddy Drew — Wed, 23 Apr 2008 11:12:28 +0000

Well, I think we’re just about finished preparing for this draft. I’m glad I flew in from Pennsylvania today to make sure our board and my notes were in order!

1. Limas Sweed, Texas

NOTES: Name kinda sounds like Speed, which means he has to be fast. Played with Mack Brown, who’s my kinda guy.

2. Malcolm Kelly, Oklahoma

NOTES: Played in lots of big games. I mean, REALLY big games!

3. James Hardy, Indiana

NOTES: Has real grit. If he’s the wide receiver equivalent of Vaughn Dunbar, I think we’re in for a real treat.

4. DeSean Jackson, California

NOTES: Very tall, and you can’t coach tall!

5. Devin Thomas, Michigan State

NOTES: Now THIS guy is a football player. Can see it in his eyes.

6. Earl Bennett, Vanderbilt

NOTES: That’s one of those smart guy schools, right? You have to be careful with guys like that, because they can overthink the game. Don’t want any overthinkers on this team.

7. Early Doucet, LSU

NOTES: Boy, doesn’t he just SOUND like a football player?

8. Andre Caldwell, Florida

NOTES: Dropped lots of passes in the 2007 AFC Championship game. But it’s so rare to find a college player who already has pro experience.

9. Jordy Nelson, Kansas State

NOTES: Marinelli likes him. What. EVER.

10. Mario Manningham, Michigan

NOTES: First name seems really chantable.

Yep, that’s a solid board.

I think this year’s draft could represent a real turning point for our franchise. Those fans sure have been rough on me and my family. But if they only knew how much I put into this job! How much I live and die with every decision, how I finally started working alternate Fridays instead of always taking them off.

If only they knew the sacrifices I made! Well, this is the year it’s finally gonna pay off, I tell you! This is the year I finally get it not quite so disastrously wrong. I like this board. We’re gonna get a GREAT player, a real impact player this go round. And we’re gonna win!

Say, you know what? I think Manningham needs to be just a bit higher on our board. He’s a Big Ten guy, and Big Ten guys know what this game’s all about!

(goes to adjust board)

(slips on piece of paper left on ground)

(lets go of steaming hot coffee cup, scalding a nearby receptionist)

(knocks lit Sterno can out of buffet setup, curtains in room light on fire)

(knocks head on table getting back up)

(grabs fire extinguisher)

(attempts to squeeze handle without pulling pin)

(punches IT guy in face by accident while pulling out pin)

(doesn’t expect kickback from extinguisher, falls out nearby window)

(lands on one side of a seesaw, sending 7-year-old-boy into orbit)

(rolls down very steep hill)

(gets permanent grass stain on new shirt)

(gets mouse trap caught on big toe)

(rolls through intersection, causing 37-car pileup)

(falls off cliff)

(lands on locomotive windshield, causing engineer to veer off tracks, train runs into nuclear missile silo)

(falls off hood of locomotive, lands on giant red FULL RELEASE button)

(triggers end of humanity)

OH MAN, NOT AGAIN!

(keeps job)

One of these days, we’re gonna turn this thing around.