Kissing Suzy Kolber » you poor Lions fans

Saints Scores And Suh Sideline Sulks – An Alliterative Lions/Saints SNF Blowout

Christmas Ape — Mon, 05 Dec 2011 00:30:36 +0000

Now You Can Watch The Lions Get Stomped Metaphorically

By all indications, this should be a repeat of last week’s Superdome curbstomping that the Saints put on the Giants, only with a lighter shade of blue despair. It would be nice if NBC doesn’t see fit to copy ESPN and show six hours of mumbling game plan meetings between Drew Brees and Sean Payton in a drab hotel conference room. Bob Costas will half a halftime denunciation ready. He will decry the meetings as boastful and overly stimulating. Then Costas will demand that a plain text crawl of his musings replace al other visuals.

Nothing to do with the impending blowout, but what’s going on with The Matron Saint’s giant ’80s hair? A reference to the old Sarah Palin sportscasting days? Dropping hints that she and Tyler Palko deserve to be as one? Your guess is as good as mine.

It’s So Cold In The Live Blog: Bears/Lions MNFkkake

Christmas Ape — Mon, 10 Oct 2011 21:00:31 +0000

Monday Night Football Explores Ruins Of Once Great City

The Lions were once a laughingstock, what with Matt Millen, 0-16, never going to a Super Bowl and employing Scott Mitchell for an extended period of time. Now, with their 4-0 record and a chance to match the Packers as the only unbeaten team in the NFL through five weeks, the Lions are an admirationstock. They have the Silver Crush, which is a stupid nickname for a formidable defensive front. There’s Calvin Johnson, who is going to finish the season with 65 touchdowns. And Matt Stafford has managed to stay healthy for an entire month. The Lions are so exciting that the league is allowing them to occupy the national spotlight for one time other than the annual early game blowout on Thanksgiving. CONGRATS, DEYYYYTWAAAA, FOR SPORTS EXCELLENCE! NO THANKS STILL DON’T WANNA GO THERE! BUT KUDOS!

Naturally, however, THE CURSE OF THE RIVE BROG, will render the Lions attack lifeless, cripple Megatron, get Suh suspended for a late hit and result in a 5-0 Bears victory, with Jason Hanson missing six field goals. Sorry in advance, Detroit.

Many Did Not Survive The Harsh Winter Of The Second Half

Christmas Ape — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 20:29:06 +0000

Well, that was inevitable. Can we go ahead and give Alphonso Smith the Least already?

Can You At Least Try To Make It Close, Detroit?

Christmas Ape — Thu, 25 Nov 2010 17:00:22 +0000

Not pictured: The three pounds of grit Mr. Literal slathered on his face.

The Lions have lost six straight on Thanksgiving, by an average margin of slightly more than 23 points. The least embarrassing of the six was a 37-26 defeat to the Packers in 2007, which was only even that close because Detroit scored two garbage time touchdowns in the fourth quarter. That’s a trend unlikely to change this year as the Greatriots are the opponent selected to wipe the floor with the home team at Ford Field. But hey, the Lions almost – probably should have – beat the Jets there a few weeks ago.

So, c’mon, let’s go parity! This is the year no one is supposed to look dominant. Let’s instill some doubt. Maybe a Lions victory might be too much to ask for, but at least have the game be competitive into the second half. We have relatives to ignore, dammit.

And I’m not sure I’m ready to to accept the new nattily dressed Bill Belichick we saw last week. Has he been cast to star in CBS’s reboot of Columbo?

KSK 2010 Prekkake: NFC North

Christmas Ape — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 20:30:58 +0000

It’s that time of year when we make bad predictions about the upcoming season and bad jokes, all in the same post. Next up: the NFC North, the ancestral home of the Land Baron bloodline.

CHICAGO BEARS

The Smirk ‘N’ Sulk Connection

Key Additions: Julius Peppers, Chester Taylor, Brandon Manumaleuna

Key Departures: Alex Brown, Nathan Vasher, Adewale Ogunleye, Kevin Jones, Orlando Pace, Gaines Adams (very far departed)

Five Fast Facts About The Bears:

- Jay Cutler is dating “The Hills’” Kristin Cavallari. This factoid represents the entirety of The Big Lead’s knowledge of the Chicago Bears.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous fact.
- Having been burned by Matt Forte last year, there’s almost zero chance he doesn’t run for 1,500 yards and 12 touchdowns this season. I’m already working myself into a homicidal lather just thinking about it.
- Lovie Smith has challenged the previous murderous fantasy.
- The Bears are now out of challenges.

Over/Under For 2010: 8 wins

Verdict: PUSH

I think Cutlerf*cker will improve over the interception bonanza he had in his first season in Chicago. Then again, that means probably still he’ll throw, like, 15 picks. I’m high on Devin Aromashodu to have a breakout year. Signing Julius Peppers and having Brian Urlacher back certainly helps some on defense, but they still need more improvement than that.

DETROIT LIONS

via, in case you didn’t catch the watermark

Key Additions: Ndamukong Suh, Jahvid Best, Tony Scheffler, Kyle Vanden Bosch, Nate Burleson, Rob Sims, Shaun Hill

Key Departures: Ernie Sims, Larry Foote, Daunte Culpepper, Phillip Buchanon, Grady Jackson

Five Fast Facts About The Lions:

- Jeff Backus is the direct descendant of one of Julius Caesar’s favorite peg boys.
- Stefan Logan played in the CFL, so you already know he’s not impressed by the Lions.
- Kyle Vanden Bosch was excellent on the “Sons of Anarchy” premiere.
- It’s gonna to be a sad day if the Lions ever become respectable and Dominic Raiola doesn’t want to pummel their fans.
- Brandon Pettigrew is convinced the government taxes you based on the length of your shadow.

Over/Under For 2010: 5 wins

Verdict: OVER

NOT A MISPRINT. THAT IS AN AUTHENTIC BAD PICK. Just kidding. Gonna come clean and admit that I’m one of the those suckers so besotted with these young Lions that I think they might even go 6-10. That towering achievement means, should Detroit not complete its transformation into rubble, fans will be marking anniversaries of this team in five year increments until the end of days.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

An obtuse example of misused numerology, or a frightening intimation that Aaron Rodgers is a three-headed Favre-hydra?

Key Additions: Bryan Bulaga

Key Departures: Aaron Kampman, Michael Montgomery

Five Fast Facts About The Packers:

- Brandon Underwood could teach Ben Roethlisberger a thing or two about rape technique. After all, you don’t get accused of sexually assaulting a woman in separate incidents, you get accused of sexually assaulting two women at once. THAT’S how you avoid getting punished by the league. Such an effective economy of rape.
- If the Packers do in fact win the Super Bowl as many expect them to, the only way the inevitable Cheesetardery can be even slightly mollified is if Aaron Rodgers spends the entire time on the Dr.; Robotnik Super Bowl trophy presentation pod doing his title belt celebration.

- Greg Jennings once mistook a lychee for a raspberry. BOY WAS HE EMBARRASSED!
- The Packers currently have the most players of any NFL team that were drafted by their current organization.
- Jermichael Finley is perhaps the most overhyped fantasy tight end ever. Which is precisely why I took him in two of my four leagues.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They’re gonna be good. But my hater talking points indicate Aaron Rodgers needs to stop holding the ball forever and their defense isn’t anywhere nearly as good as its ranking from last season would suggest. Pretty much any top-flight passing team is capable of carving up their secondary and there’s no way Charles Woodson duplicates the kind of year he had in ’09. Oh, and Drew claims the Packers completely misused Aaron Kampman. Apparently he’s better suited to being a sous chef.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

I’m willing to accept Favre being canonized so long as it means he dies.

Key Additions: Greg Camarillo, Toby Gerhart, Lito Sheppard

Key Departures: Chester Taylor, Benny Sapp, Sage Rosenfels, Artis Hicks

Five Fast Facts About The Vikings:

- Brett Favre bitched on Wednesday about how the media way overplayed his indecision about returning to football. Oh, you poor COMPLETELY COMPLICIT CALCULATING little thing. How I weep gallons for you.
- Something I did not know until very recently: Bernard Berrian’s nickname is “B-twice.” Clearly not a fan of Calvin Klein’s old “Just Be” campaign.
- Ray Edwards draws his playing intensity from the fact that the Nickelodeon cartoon “The Angry Beavers” was not a bigger hit.
- Mike Florio is a fan of the Vikings. So really, it’s not all about hating Favre.
- Percy Harvin continues to struggle with persistent migraines that have dogged him throughout his football playing days. WHICH IS JUST SUCH A CONVENIENT EXCUSE FOR NOT SLEEPING WITH DREW.

Over/Under For 2010: 9.5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Vikings have a pretty brutal first half of the season, which isn’t particularly helpful given how vulnerable the team looks at the moment. Sidney Rice is scheduled to miss the first eight games. Brittfar’s gimpy ankle is going to prevent him from having the admittedly amazing season he had in 2009. And they’re about to play the Saints tonight with only three available corners. But at least Purple Jesus has promised that he’s done fumbling, which is nice, I guess. They have enough talent to keep even Brad Childress from condemning them to a .500 or worse record, but I see a dip to 9-7 coming.

/Drew smugly dismisses argument without offering a counter

What a Surprise.

Captain Caveman — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 20:30:51 +0000

Whoa, whoa, whoa… tickets are still available to the Lions-Seahawks game this Sunday because Detroit fans aren’t going to make the trip? But this is the weekend’s premiere matchup between a 1-6 team and a 2-5 team! Hell, the last time these two teams faced off, the final score was 9-6! Barns: burned. WHEEEEEE!!!

KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: NFC North

Christmas Ape — Wed, 22 Jul 2009 12:30:30 +0000

More Ragnar treachery to spur Drew’s bloodlust

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering T.J. Houshmandzadeh making a stink about being only the sixth highest rated receiver in the NFC in the new Madden, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC North, where if you’re not downing 8,000 calories a day, you’re dropping precious pounds.

Like that forced grin is gonna last

CHICAGO BEARS

Five Fast Facts About Da Bears:

Jay Cutlerfucker has finally found a team where he can be appreciated, one with an outsized expectation to finally have a quarterback carry them on their shoulders and deliver wins seemingly out of nowhere. Yup, he’ll cave after three regular season pass attempts.

Greg Olsen hopes to benefit in a newfound Bears passing game. And if those benefits include underage girls, all the better.

Hoping to buck the impression that he’s an old guy, Orlando Pace logged onto Twitter the other day. The result: he and that porn bot following him are expecting four children already.

Nathan Vasher will take no more of your Vasher bashing, young lady.

The departure of Mike Brown leaves a gaping hole in the “effective safety when healthy but he’s usually hurt” slot in the Bears secondary. With a little gumption and some more bone spurs, Kevin Payne just might be that guy.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8.5 wins

Verdict: OVER

Cutlerfucker will make the Bears better. How much? Marginally. But in a marginal division, that goes a long way, at least in the regular season. The defense doesn’t live up to its recent reputation, but it has enough to lead this team to a division title.

DETROIT LIONS

Five Fast Facts About the Lions:

Grady Jackson will eat all remaining foodstuffs in the Detroit area, thus engendering the cannibalism we have so longed for in this economy.

Larry Foote actually wanted to play for this team. No joke. He did. All 16 games. He means it. Okay, not fair of the camera to linger on him to make sure he keeps a straight face.

Maurice Morris missed his golden opportunity to star in the porn version of the Eminem vehicle, 8 Inch. In Gran Pornio, however, he will rectify this.

Ronald Curry sounds like an Indian version of Ronald McDonald. Always bothered me that he hasn’t embraced this.

Matt Stafford received $41.7 million in guaranteed money in his rookie contract, which will pan out to about a million dollars per completion percentage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 5 wins

Verdict: UNDER

Five whole wins? Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Lions fans. This is a better team than the historically inept one that spread disgrace on thick last year, but you’re still throwing Daunte Culpepper out there (assuming Stafford doesn’t start Week 1) with no discernible running back, no secondary and only a slightly better front seven. Baby steps.

GREEN BAY PACKERS

Five ~~Fat~~ Fast Facts About the Packers:

Jermichael Finley tried to cram Jermaine and Michael into one first name, did it, and spend a lifetime regretting it.

Hoping to spring back from injury plagued 2008 campaign, Atari Bigby sat down, read through the Bible, noted some key passages, mulled them over, prayed for convalescence, and was met in his sleep by the beneficent god of dreadlocks, who vowed to listen to his pleas and share them in exaggerated anecdotes with friends. End result: laughter from friends, no better health for Atari.

Former USC linebacker Clay Matthews pairs with former Ohio State linebacker A.J. Hawk to activate a water fountain. Matthews hits button while Hawk drinks. Sadly they figure this out after considerable effort out midway through the third quarter of Week 9′s game in Raymond James Stadium.

Aaron Rodgers had a good statistical season last year. Any chance he can repeat? I dunno, ask these wonderful STATISTICS you place so much import in. DON’T THEY JUST KNOW EVERYTHING!

Anthony Smith is really feeling this new Mos Def album. Sadly, he plans to listen to it in coverage.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Pack were 5-5 until they fell apart and lost five straight late last season. An injured defense, already poor, was even more porous down the stretch. They’ll be better, but not that much. An 8-8 finish is a step short of the playoffs, but one in the right direction.

MINNESOTA VIKINGS

Five Fast Facts About the Vikings:

Chester Taylor mistakenly clicked on one of those Cartoon Yourself ads and now he’s stuck in an episode of Duckman.

Sage Rosenfels hates Brett Favre, just like you and me. Not because he’s a goy, but because he’s a SOUTHERN goy.

Percy Harvin, quite the weed aficionado, starts growing his own strain as a Viking called Major Glad.

Having traded in on the 2008 dick flashing trend and lacking ideas for the 2009 season, Visante Shiancoe continues showing his cock following each Vikings game, drawing mostly apathy from reporters. That is until he puts clown makeup on his cock in Week 11. That’ll change everything.

Bryant McKinnie’s nickname is Mount McKinnie. Mount McKinley’s nickname? Fuck you, it’s a mountain. No time for that prima donna shit. [Ed. note: Whoops.]

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: PUSH

With the imminent signing of Brittfar, the Vikings, a still very talented team at most positions, are trading one horribly inept quarterback for another. Rosencopter will likely bail him out at one point, though he’s not a whole lot of an upgrade. No matter, as the weakness at QB can and will be exploited handily. If they deal well with early season suspensions to Pat and Kevin Williams, they’ll be all right. Nine or 10 wins sounds about right.

The Lions Are Doing Awesomer Than EVAR!!!!

Captain Caveman — Wed, 13 May 2009 13:00:35 +0000

Not only did the Lions NOT learn from Jon Kitna’s 10-win guarantee two seasons ago, their front office is still hilariously cutting corners. Yahoo’s Michael Silver pulls two Millenesque examples of Detroit being Detroit in his most recent column. The man making the Kitna-like promise? Second-year tailback Kevin Smith, who wrote on his blog:

“We will definitely make the playoffs this season. Believe it or not we weren’t far off last year. Almost every game we could have won, we were one play or one player short. Except for Tennessee on Thanksgiving, they just came out and beat us to sleep. They manhandled us, but nobody else did.”

That’s a totally fair and accurate assess– **COUGH**Week 2 vs. Green Bay: L, 48-25 / Week 3 at San Fancisco: L, 31-13 / Week 5 vs. Chicago: L, 34-7 / Week 10 vs. Jacksonville: 38-14 / Week 12 vs. Tampa Bay: 38-20 / Week 16 vs. New Orleans: L, 42-7**COUGH** Sorry, I just can’t seem to shake this swine flu.

Oh but wait: there’s more. The other slice of trivia pie (it’s orange for sports & leisure!) from Silver is this story from Terry Foster of the Detroit News:

Lions season-ticket holder Todd Taylor , who commutes from Chicago to attend Lions home games, and his buddy Jim Allen from Royal Oak were stoked when Taylor won a replica Kevin Smith jersey during the Lions’ draft party at Ford Field.

But something was strange about the No. 34 jersey. The Smith name on the back looked bulky. So they cut it off and were shocked to see the name Jones underneath.

It appears the Lions repurposed some old Kevin Jones jerseys, turning them into Smith jerseys and gave them away to season-ticket holders.

Oh man, I hope Matt Stafford doesn’t wear #8 next season. Just think of all those priceless Kitna jerseys that might get ruined!

You Should Have Added a Thorn in Its Paw!

Christmas Ape — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 18:00:11 +0000

[A procession of kazoo players enter from a hallway, followed by a regal figure]

Fail Lion: Royal iconographers! What news of the design of the my kingdom’s crest?

Royal iconographers: [Together] Thy task be done!

Fail Lion: You mean you did my bidding in a timely manner? Within the allotted period? Such deeds bespeak success! IT WAS MY DECREE THAT SUCCESS BE BANISHED FROM MINE EYES!

Royal iconographers: [Together] My liege, we submit that we did exceed your budget by a factor of three.

Fail Lion: I suppose that will do. Show me the fruits of thine labors.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have added The Lines of Articulation! Now the royal banner has become slightly less abstract. The Lines of Articulation define a lion’s mouth, his mane and his crotchular fold. What’s more, the team font has been equipped with pointy serifs. A man could be impaled upon one.

Fail Lion: Lines of Articulation!? I asked for stink lines! Herald!

Herald: [Unfurls scroll]

Fail Lion: Do you not see the effect? Pungent fore and aft! He achieves both rectal gaseous and halitotal stink! Truly emblematic of our peoples.

Royal iconographers: [Together] We have then failed to carry out thy will, your majesty.

Fail Lion: Ho ho! So you have! Speak of other changes.

Royal iconographers: [Together] The team color is to be named Honolulu blue! Such an appellation, by reminding your subjects of better climes, only serves to reinforce their misery.

Fail Lion: [Giddily clapping] Atrocious! Abysmal! Expertly awful!

Royal iconographers: [Together] And we have needlessly rounded and italicized the jersey numbers.

Fail Lion: Ah, but every kingdom makes that failure with jersey redesign.

Royal iconographers: [Together] Then we have failed at being distinctive, as well as creating tasteful uniforms.

Fail Lion: Thy wisdom shines through. Such is a garment fit for a Stafford. Ready his quarters, for his will be glorious welcome. The groans of my subjects will strike a most melodious pitch.

[Kazoos play]

“The Lions can suck a half nuts!”

flubby — Thu, 25 Sep 2008 19:24:54 +0000

I’d like to think that somehow William Clay Ford, Sr. saw this video through his monocle and deemed it the last straw for Matt Millen. “Egad, if a long-time fan like Mike Baby, who has been with us for a whole eight years, doesn’t want to fucking talk to the Lions anymore then I must terminate Millen’s employment posthaste!”

In case you missed it, here’s a recap of Mike’s BITCH LIST:

* Jon Kitna
* Calvin Johnson
* Jeff Backus
* “The Rookie”
* Dude who tries in vain to rally support for the Lions

Ha! That white guy told the black guy with the funny accent to “Go home!” That’s some original shit right there. And you know what the black guy did? He totally got into his Camry and drove back to Berrien Springs. In your face!