No One Cares About Your Long-Suffering Fanbases

01.24.10 Written by Christmas Ape

Sorry Drew. As a Vikings fan, you’ve been dealt more than your share of crushing defeats (and served more than your share of cake). I’d like for you to get to see your team win a title at some point. This is not that point in time. You’re on the side of Favre, so I wish you nothing but dejection and despair on this day. AND YOU RUINED THE “PANTS ON THE GROUND” GUY FOR US!

Conversely, Cajun Boy tries his hardest with treacly pap to make us hate New Orleans, but it’s a futile effort – we cannot.

The Saints have Breesus and they’re so cute with their history of complete irrelevance. Some sort of disaster might have also befallen their city in the recent past. All this is enough to make me ignore “Who Dat”. Okay, maybe not, but it’s still enough make them easily preferable to the alternative. I don’t care if a decent percentage of their fans are swamp rat rubes. I don’t care if Jeremy Shockey scores four TDs and celebrates each one with crotch chops and shockers. I’ll douche it up right along with him. Anything but Brittfar.

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DIE DIE ALL OF YOU DIE

01.17.10 Written by Christmas Ape

romofavre

TR: HURRRRRRR Hey Brett I bet Aikman fondles my nuts like this the entire game.

BF: Awshoot thatainno meadyahumpin yobigolhushpuppy. Datdere loftyfeller gunnacuponolBrittfar’s gibletslikeuhprickerinthefield, itellyuh.

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The Hater’s Guide to the Postseason: NFC 2nd Seed — Minnesota Vikings

01.12.10 Written by Christmas Ape

Here’s but one of a barrage of horrifically unfunny Brett Favre ads for Starter that, if they haven’t already debuted (I hadn’t seen them before this morning), will soon only tighten the Land Baron’s stranglehold on your television set. Of course, to get Brittfar to whore for you, you have to make the commercial more about goddamn Favre than the product you’re actually selling. Did you know Brett is super awesome in cold weather games? Well, then you didn’t watch the 2007 NFC Championship Game.

It’s just like the Best Buy Sears ads that aired earlier in the season in which he couldn’t make up his mind about buying a TV. HARF HARF ‘CAUSE BRETT WAS INDECISIVE ABOUT RETIREMENT TOO!

Read the rest of this entry »

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Cutler and December Favre Means Presents Under the Pickerception Tree

12.28.09 Written by Christmas Ape

Marvel Comics is releasing a four-issue series in which bad guys decide to blow up Soldier Field. Normally, I would say they are setting their sights relatively low in terms of supervillainy, but there are heads of state who could die and cause less Middle America devastation than Bretty Boy. TV pundits would set themselves on fire in the streets. Peter King alone would incite an ultra-dangerous jelly jihad against those responsible. SO LET’S HAVE IT MR. SINISTER! THIS STADIUM’S NOT GONNA EXPLODE ITSELF!

This is the final MNF broadcast of the season, so of course the announcers get to save some good ol’ Favretardery for their last hurrah. The Vikings still have a shot at swiping home field advantage from the Saints, which would matter if the Vikings weren’t going to lose their first postseason game anyway.

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Spanish Nip vs. Nordic Bear. WHO YA GOT?

12.11.09 Written by Christmas Ape

ochoragnar

Chad Ochocinco wants to change his name to another clunky foreign translation of “Eight Five”. This time it’s Japanese, making it “Hachi Go” which sounds too much like Hibachi for Maj not to murder Chad in a defense of Gilbert Arenas’ honor. OchoHachiCincoGo also responded to the $30,000 fine for the poncho and sombrero he wore on the sidelines last week by saying he was going to blow the horn of Vikings mascot and Drew’s bear of choice, Ragnar, on Sunday. Also, he wants to punch Shawne Merriman in the mouth, but that will have to wait for next week.

Chad’s antics are temporarily overshadowing a pretty huge game. A few weeks ago, it seemed inevitable that the Vikings would have the second seed in the NFC sewn up. A loss here leaves them only a game up on Arizona, which owns the tiebreaker after dominating the Vikes last week. The Bengals, meanwhile, want to keep pace with San Diego in their hunt for the AFC second seed. The two teams play next week in what will likely decide whether it’s Marmalard or true Bengals hero J.T. O’Sullivan who gets the first round bye.

Also, it’s possible it could be a Super Bowl preview. Which makes us wonder what stunt Chad would pull if Cincy makes it to the Super Bowl in Miami? Remember that he’s from Dade County, so he would likely want to put on a show for the kith and kin. Since he’s turning Japanese, seppuku would be fitting if the Bengals come up short. Or, alternatively, he could get one of those comfort women Japanese guys like so much if they prevail.

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