VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

[Nite Cardinal's Apartment]

Nite Cardinal: Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name…

[door flies open]

LaRorschach!  What are you doing here?

LaRorschach: Comedian’s dead.  Someone threw him out a window.  Think killer may be after All-Pros.

Nite Cardinal: Lord help us!  I’ll pray for guidance!

LaRorschach: Christ.

Nite Cardinal: Oh, come on now.  Am I the only one who honors the Third Commandment any more?

LaRorschach: [walking out] Yes.

[under breath] Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.

[The Offices of Bradymandias, the So-Called Handsomest Man in the World]

Bradymandias: …the Comedian DEAD?  But why?

LaRorschach: You’re the one who’s turned a couple lucky wins into worldwide fame and a supermodel wife.  You tell me.

Bradymandias: Are you sure it wasn’t a fatal hunting accident?  A deadly DUI?  Those seem much more probable deaths for him.

LaRorschach: Nope. Splattered on pavement.

Bradymadias: Hm.  Well, it’s possible that –

[elevator doors fly open]

Will McDonough: Watch out!  It’s Bridget Moynihan!  And she’s got a court order to pay child support!

LaRorschach: Outta the way!

Bradymandias: Um, I was ready to jam a cyanide pill in her mouth, but… thanks.  How’d you do that?

LaRorschach: She plays fantasy football.  Drafted me in the first round.  Got what was comin’ to her.

[Rockefeller DVOA Center, Home of Dr. Manninghattan]

LaRorschach: Good evening, Dr. Manninghattan.  Came to warn you about –

Dr. Manninghattan: — an All-Pro killer.  Yes.  I am aware.

LaRorschach: Take it you’re not too concerned about Allen’s death?  The future of the NFL could be at stake.

Dr. Manninghattan: The Lombardi Trophy and this stack of cash from Sprint contain the same number of particles.  Structurally, there’s no discernible difference.  Why should I be concerned?

LaRorschach: Ennk.

Silk Steeler: [mumbling]

LaRorschach: What’d he say?

Dr. Manninghattan: You seem to be upsetting Troy.  I think you ought to go.

LaRorschach: With respect, Dr. Manninghattan, I’m not leaving ’til I’ve –

[LaRorschach gets teleported outside]

Dr. Manninghattan: So, want me to replicate myself and double-team you now?

Silk Steeler: [mumbling]

Dr. Manninghattan: Sweet!  [high-fives clone]

[TWO HOURS OF EXPOSITION AND ONE PIRATE COMIC LATER]

[Bradymandias's Elaborate Mansion in Southern California]

LaRorschach: So it was you all along!

Bradymandias: Well, not so much me as Belichick.  He’s more the idea guy.  I just had the capital and influence to make it happen.

Nite Cardinal: But WHY?

Bradymandias: Simple.  I missed all of last season with an injury.  Another lost season would hamper my endorsement deals as well as my legacy, which will help determine future endorsement deals.  I need the NFL to go on, no matter what the cost.  Wouldn’t you agree, Dr. Manninghattan?

Dr. Manninghattan: I cannot help but agree.  Troy’s Coca-Cola advertisement helped me see the beauty of commercialism tied to the NFL.

LaRorschach: No! Not even in the face of a work stoppage. Never compromise.

Bradymandias: Oh, it’s far too late to stop me.  I’ve already launched the nuclear warheads at Pittsburgh.  And as the nation reels from the loss of its premier NFL franchise, the two sides of the labor dispute will have no choice but to come to terms and give us a 2009 season.  Why, if the Steelers ever play again, it will be in Los Angeles.  Ha ha ha!

[long pause]

LaRorschach: That’s it?  Nuke Pittsburgh?

Bradymandias: Well… yeah.  Doesn’t anyone want to try to stop me?

LaRorschach: Nah.

Nite Cardinal: No.

Dr. Manninghattan: Not especially.

Silk Steeler: [mumbles]

Bradymandias: Cool! I’ll have Will bring in some champagne.  Hey, who wants to see my eugenically enhanced sex kitten?  I call her Boobasstits.

Jokel: You just could no ret me go, courd you? This is what happens when unstoppable folce meet immovaberr object. You tlury incorruptiberr? You no kirr me out of mispraced sense of serf-lighteousness, and I no kirr you, because you is supell funtime. I think you and I all destined to do this follever.

Batmalard: You’ll be in a padded cell forever. A CELL PADDED WITH THE INNARDS OF LASERFACE VICTIMS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Jokel: Maybe we sharl padded cerr. We doubre up the late this city’s inhabitants rosing they-ll minds.

Batmalard: I can’t understand what you’re saying Charlie Chan the wide receiver. Maybe if you could go and get fucked in American, like we speak in this country, people would respect you better.

Tell my groin it’s going to be okay. Lie! Like I did!

The night is darkest just before I limp off the field nursing an injury I could play through. And I promise you, the limping is coming.

You thought we could be decent running backs with an indecent ability. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and my diminutive backup is the clear superior. No matter how much lean meat protein I take in.

James Norvon Jr.: Why’s Batmalard running, coach?

Lt. James Norvon: Because James Harrison has to chase him.

James Norvon Jr.: He didn’t do anything wrong.

Lt. James Norvon: Because he’s the hero the NFL deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So Silverback will hunt him. Because he can take it. And because he can float the ball out of bounds or spike it at running backs’ feet. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a brash, shit-talking guardian, a watchful protector. A douche knight.