SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President.  However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost.  Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…

VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

(more…)

Jokel: You just could no ret me go, courd you? This is what happens when unstoppable folce meet immovaberr object. You tlury incorruptiberr? You no kirr me out of mispraced sense of serf-lighteousness, and I no kirr you, because you is supell funtime. I think you and I all destined to do this follever.

Batmalard: You’ll be in a padded cell forever. A CELL PADDED WITH THE INNARDS OF LASERFACE VICTIMS! WHAT? HUH? WHAT? FUCK YOU!

Jokel: Maybe we sharl padded cerr. We doubre up the late this city’s inhabitants rosing they-ll minds.

Batmalard: I can’t understand what you’re saying Charlie Chan the wide receiver. Maybe if you could go and get fucked in American, like we speak in this country, people would respect you better.

Tell my groin it’s going to be okay. Lie! Like I did!

The night is darkest just before I limp off the field nursing an injury I could play through. And I promise you, the limping is coming.

You thought we could be decent running backs with an indecent ability. But you were wrong. The world is cruel, and my diminutive backup is the clear superior. No matter how much lean meat protein I take in.

James Norvon Jr.: Why’s Batmalard running, coach?

Lt. James Norvon: Because James Harrison has to chase him.

James Norvon Jr.: He didn’t do anything wrong.

Lt. James Norvon: Because he’s the hero the NFL deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So Silverback will hunt him. Because he can take it. And because he can float the ball out of bounds or spike it at running backs’ feet. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a brash, shit-talking guardian, a watchful protector. A douche knight.