Happened a little bit ago, but new to me: Eagles offensive lineman Danny Watkins bought his own fire engine, fulfilling the dreams of boys ages 4-7 the world over. Watkins then filmed himself joyriding the truck with the siren running. Even though Watkins has been a occasional firefighter since he was 16, I’m not sure how it’s legal to do that, though I suspect it probably isn’t. At the very least, the siren part. Anyway, if he’s got some free time, there are probably some passed out Phillies fans in D.C. who could use some assistance.

- Giants players pelted Eli Manning with bananas at the team practice facility on Monday to rag on Elisha for his antics on SNL. Sure, but when Spanish soccer fans do it, it’s suddenly wrong.

- THASSS RACIS of the day: Redskins safety DeJon Gomes said that he has been mistaken for RGIII around D.C. on five occasions since the draft. Why can’t people look beyond skin color and dreads and instead look to the content of our silly socks?

- Aaron Rodgers and Ryan Braun are teaming up to open their own restaurant. Expect championship belt and botched piss test themes to be prevalent.

- OH NOES, you guys. Cris Carter said a naughty word on an otherwise unwatchable ESPN show. Heavens! Imprecations on the airwaves! Knowing ESPN, they’ll hold this for the first C’MON MAN segment of the season in September.

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I’ll apologize at the outset for the lack of a death blow in this giraffe fight. I guess Discovery prefers not to be things like “exploitative” or “fun”. Either way, I enjoy the supreme awkwardness of this battle. It’s like the animal kingdom equivalent of a kicker fight in full pads, and they could only actually kick each other. Holy sh*t, I would pay so much money to see that. As much as, [checks pockets], four singles and a bar receipt.

There’s also the informative detail that the giraffes need not worry about the safety of their necks during the scrum because they have 12-inch-thick vertebrae. Any day now I expect to hear news of Peyton Manning getting giraffe implants.

Fresh off an appearance at the Kentucky Derby where he was upstaged by teammate Wes Welker in the arena of pretentious menswear, Tom Brady paid a visit to the Met Gala in New York on Monday pulling out all the stops. So far, Twitter wags have likened the new faux-hawk to “David Beckham + Ed Grimley” and “Cameron Diaz in ‘There’s Something About Mary’“. That said, I’ve yet to see a Boston fan bemoaning the latest effete Brady look as proof that Dreamboat has lost it and Gisele has Yoko’d the Patriots.

Could it be that Brady’s troll powers are on the wane? Is that even possible? Frankly, I blame the choice in haircut. The faux-hawk is a bit of a mid-Aughts look, so people have gotten used to it, to a degree. Hell, even other NFL players have sported it from time to time. If Brady really really wants to bring his top troll game, I suggest going the Skrillex route.

So, perhaps not the best outing, but I feel confident that Brady will rebound.

Mike Shanahan drove his golf cart into the one that ‘Skins linebacker/odd choice for Geico pitchman Brian Orakpo was riding during a tournament today at Trump National, which is touted as being in D.C., but actually resides in the former Patton Oswalt stomping grounds of STERLING, VIRGINIA (BURKA BURKA BURRRRRRRRR). Unsilent has the right idea by suggesting that Orakpo show up at OTAs with a neck brace.

- Bernard Pollard doesn’t believe that football will exist in 20 or 30 years, possibly because he’s going to dive headfirst into its knees.

- The Titans have been targeting players with a wrestling background. Should be noted that unfortunately that’s real wrestling and not WRASSLIN’ [Cena sucks]

- Dreamboat, Wes Welker and Bill Belichick went to the Kentucky Derby over the weekend. Massholes are shocked and dismayed to discover that Brady was actually OUTQUEEAHED BY WELKAH! NAWT YOU TOO, LITTLE BUDDY! In other news, Belichick cut loose and let his MILF wear one of the big hats.

- There’s a report that the suspended but still interim Saints coach Joe Vitt instructed Anthony Hargrove to lie about the existence of the bounty program. Once again, this Saints season is going to be so fun.

- The Bills gave Fred Jackson a contract extension. Because when you can lock down a 31-year-old running back coming off a broken leg, you do it.

Plucked by a Reddit user from the festering recesses of 4chan is this mosaic of Philip Rivers that is oddly, crudely fascinating in all the ways that can be applied to Marmalard himself. That they used our favorite Rivers pose is a nice bonus.

I’d like to believe that Marmalard would want this in a museum, if only those weren’t institutions that catered to godless fornicators, polluted as they are with intellectual curiosity and STDs. That and Laserface would want the curators to yell at visitors while they look at the image, possibly even pulling a few aside at random to let them know they aren’t good enough to be in its presence. If at all possible, it should be suspended in air, not attached to a wall.

When we last left doughy, tasteless hockey doofus, Peter King, he was bellyaching that the employees at an airport Starbucks weren’t in a huge rush to give him his triple venti whole milk lardaccino. He’s the Upton Sinclair of upscale coffee chains. PK also railed against the notion that the Browns got fleeced by the Vikings when they gave up all those picks they didn’t have to.

So what about this week? How many D-Days are about to take place in Minnesota? Hint: minimum five D-Days. Why don’t more people feel good for Ben Roethlisberger? Could it be the rapiness? Also, were you aware, contrary to popular belief, there is only one way to travel on the East Coast? It’s true! READ ON.

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KSK’s favorite whipping blob, Peter King, is even more long-winded and meandering than usual this week, so it may be awhile before I can finish slogging through this 8,500-piece order of Petey McNuggets. In the meantime, let’s discuss the biggest NFL crossover into pop culture of the weekend besides Cleatus’ latest cameo on The Simpsons: Elisha hosting “Saturday Night Live”.

Yes. “All-time annals.” Eliminate redundancies and MMQB might actually come in under a page.

Anyway, our Uproxx colleagues at Warming Glow have a full breakdown, but I will add that it’s highly appropriate for Eli’s best sketch to be a play on something Peyton already did on the show. In lieu of further commentary, please enjoy a handful of unflattering, out-of-context screenshots of big hosting boy Eli.

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Just like that, we instantly have new clubhouse leader for favorite Jay Cutler photo, non-sulking division. It’s perfectly distilled Cutlerf*cker: peevish about being noticed outside of his own terms, also annoyed that Kristin is making him walk her stupid tiny yappy dog, the astutely coiffed hair despite being otherwise slovenly. Let’s not forget the huge sweatpants that he must have borrowed from Roberto Garza. If only he were rolling his eyes, it would hit every high note.

- The Patriots have reacquired Jabar Gaffney, meaning that with Ocho, the Pats will boast two receivers who overshare on Twitter. One occasionally amusing and the other disconcertingly dramatic. It always helps to have versatility in an offense.

- Spencer Hall wrote an NFL-related feature. You shouldn’t need further enticement than that.

- Former Cowboys lineman Torrin Tucker got busted for selling weed to an undercover officer in a strip club. Police then discovered bags of weed and cocaine capsules in a Crown Royale bag stuffed down the front of his pants. it’s like he’s utilizing all the life lessons that Nate Newton could possibly impart.

- Columnist argues that the NFL is basically the next Big Tobacco. I find that conclusion somewhat problematic but I do welcome the idea of the league having to fund commercials where people dump bodybags at their corporate offices.

- Worthwhile Junior Seau reaction piece from Chris Jones at Esquire (don’t worry, Gawker, it’s not about his wife), a story on Deadspin about a time Seau picked up a Marine captain’s bar tab then played the ukulele for everybody and another tale of Seau awesomeness from Saints center Eric Olsen.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: Burnsy and Danger Guerrero will be subbing again tomorrow. Don’t think you can act up, because they’ll be submitting a report to me in full about any misbehavior. Looking at you, Feklar. People liked Burnsy’s Sexy Friday post from last week, with good reason, so you’re in for a treat.

A shame that Drew’s Jamboroo isn’t in season, as this would make workable Great Moments in Poop History fodder.

As part of Wes Welker’s awkward ongoing endorsement with Depend, one that has already yielded this commercial, fackin Welkah appeared on “Dan LeBatard is Highly Questionable” to share the tale of the time that GRITTY SPECIAL TEAMAH ACE LARRY IZZO soiled himself on the sideline of a game against the Dolphins. This apparently happened back when Welker still played for Miami (can’t blame Jeff Ireland for that departure), but he knows well of the tale, as the legend spread fast thanks to Izzo receiving a game ball from Grumblelord Belichick for his furtive pant-sh*tting prowess.

“This is 100% true,” Welker said. “And Larry would be so mad at me if I said that this did not happen, because he takes ultimate pride in this whole deal. ”

“He’s Izzo! That’s what he does!”

Doodie story begins at 3:20.

Terrell Suggs, reigning NFL Defensive Player of the Year and owner of the NFL’s most frightening alien mouth, tore his ACL Achilles tendon playing basketball, also known as pulling a Ryan Clady. Peter King says keep away from the courts, kids. Name five things more deathtrappy. You can’t.

Most are saying that the injury spells the end of the 2012 season for Suggs, though T-Sizzle says he’s gonna dab some bleach on it and try to get back on the field by October, which is a pretty optimistic forecast given the average rate of recovery is 11 months, but whatever helps him in his road back, I guess.

Unless the Ravens decide to plumb the free agency depth for a discarded pass rusher like Matt Roth, it probably means increased playing time for Bawlmer’s top draft pick, second-rounder Courtney Upshaw. Given that the Ravens already lost linebacker Jarret Johnson to free agency and defensive coordinator Chuck Pagano to the Colts, it might be a tough early transition for the front seven in Baltimore. In other words, MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Flacco’s just gonna have to be extra elite.

Now we have time for the Suggs/Hines buddy comedy

No word yet on whether John Harbaugh has attributed the injury to other team’s felonious cheating schemes, not that he would name names anyway.