There are some alterations afoot with the KSK commenting system and live blogs. As is this is a fairly cut-and-dry housecleaning post devoid of dick jokes and full of scary change, we’ll leave all the sordid details after the jump.

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The celebrity Super Bowl pick is a time-honored tradition, one we at KSK are more than happy to take part in. For the next two weeks, stars from all over the world will drop in to make their picks. Today, it’s hard-bitten crime novelist James Ellroy.

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At long last, New York and Boston gets to settle an overblown regional rivalry through the medium of professional sports. It must be very cathartic to finally get that opportunity.

Did you know that Week 9 against the Giants was the last game that the Patriots lost?

Were you aware that that very game ended with Eli Manning throwing a touchdown pass to Jake Ballard, who wears the same jersey number that David Tyree wore as a Giant? A David Tyree who made a Giant Snatch, which was the Official Bill Simmons These Are My Readers Most Luckiest Leg Sweep In Rocky IV History?

These will be IMPORTANT COINCIDENCES used to create an extra sense of drama for a game that doesn’t really need it, but you’ll be bombarded with them nonetheless. But it’s the Super Bowl. If it weren’t these, it’ve been something about Jack Harbaugh whipping both of his sons with the sticks that correspond to the colors of the teams they now coach.

Kyle Williams won’t be in the Super Bowl, however, as he is the worst and people who are the worst don’t get to be in the Super Bowl. Unless they happen to sign as a backup for a good team, a la Leinart in 2008. Good luck with that, Kyle.

It was a pretty fantastic day of football overall. Alex Smith did some reverting to the “We Want Carr” Alex Smith of old as the game wore on and Eli Manning got the bejesus beaten out of him, but showed remarkable toughness for a man-child who typically displays anything but.

Hopefully the Giants will get to apply one of those shots to Dreamboat before the entire New York cut down on the field by a American flag draped Goodell firing squad. Meanwhile, Niners fans seem pretty angry about the Bradshaw fumble being blown dead late in the 4th quarter, but his forward progress was stopped on the play, so live with it. We’re moving onto our sports championship sequel, which Simmons will rank far ahead of other Super Bowl sequels like Cowboys-Bills, Steelers-Cowboys and 49ers-Bengals because those teams aren’t really movie stars.

Oh, and Coughlin brushing off Eli as Manning was furiously yelling that the playclock was running out just as the Giants were about to attempt the game-winning field goal was my favorite thing of the day, except for the whole Lee Evans/Cundiff sequence from the first game, which I’ll have on loop the entire week and maybe also forever and ever.

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA BALTIMORE GATORADE BATHS FOR ALL HARF HARF HARF HARF HARF

/hater

This game broke Twitter and for good reason. It was truly awesome. Flacco outplayed Brady and still lost. The ultimate Troll Genius move. Ray Lewis played like dogsh*t and got owned by Nate Solder all game. Lee Evans dropped a game-winning touchdown in the end zone. Bernard Pollard hurt Gronk, even if he couldn’t take him out entirely. Bill Belichick make a host of terrible decisions but still came away with a victory. Best of all, Billy Vanderjagt Cuntwhiff earned my undying love for always.

Flacco may have played above to the lowly expectations he placed on himself, at least after a dormant first quarter, but he missed Torrey Smith on two deep throws. On another where he connected deep with the benefit of blown coverage, he underthrew Smith badly enough to prevent what would have been a touchdown if the pass hit anywhere close to in stride. Then there’s another red zone possession where Vonta Leach could have walked in for a TD but Flacco opted to not check down for the first time in his life and failed. Just something to keep in mind when hear about how Flacco “should” have come away with a win.

Here’s your tortured Peter King lede for the NFC Championship Game:

“It’s going to be a blood bath,” Giants defensive tackle Chris Canty said this week of the NFC Championship Game.

Right sentiment, wrong adjective. “Mud.” Mud bath.

Lofty set-up, wrong grammatical device. Bloodbath is a noun; it’s not an adjective. “If I may say so, you look positively bloodbath today.” “Why thank you, what a bloodbathy thing to say.” As adjectives used to describe the NFC Title Game, we underestimate mud bath.

When the Giants and 49ers get together in the postseason, great things happen. Joe Montana gets destroyed. Roger Craig fumbles with a chance to ice the NFC Championship. People named Trey Junkin botch snaps on potential go-ahead field goals. And the refs ignore brazen pass interference on said botched field goal attempt turned desperation pass. More of that, please.

I’ll take an exciting game regardless of the outcome, but I am inclined to say I’d prefer the Giants win only because the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton is delightful. Also, it’s been annoying to watch San Francisco fans first be like…

Then be all…

Ha ha, shredding. Oh dearie, those skateboard jokes. So rad.

The “Joe Flacco feeling unappreciated for being mediocre” meme got major traction this week, helped along by Ed Reed telling the media that Flacco doesn’t do good quarterback stuff. This led to more passive-aggression and surly woes-are-me by the Ravens quarterback.

“I like his style. I mean, kind of. Even though I bet he wouldn’t even notice if I did like him. Whatever. Screw that guy. I don’t care.” – Jay Cutler

Flacco got somewhat of a pass for doing nothing besides convert two-yard scoring drives against the Texans because Houston’s defense is good (elite QBs shouldn’t be expected to excel against GOOD defenses) but now Big Bert has put a huge target on himself. The Ravens have to win and Flacco has to appear impressive in the process or else more Dilfer LOLs at his expense. Easterbrook says the only thing worse than a look-at-me glory boy is a wannabe look-at-me glory boy.

A lot of was made about 2011 being the Year of the Quarterback. Passers put up gaudy stats. Defenders were detained and locked in underground cells with the doors cemented over for even looking crosswise at a QB. It was a thing. ESPN even made a nifty little graphic to let everyone know.

[If SOPA or PIPA were to pass, we could get shut down just for posting that. Yay poorly conceived, far-reaching legislation!]

Anyway, 2011 gave way to 2012. And as we’ve quickly learned, 2012 is the Year of the Tight End. To many, this has been confusing. How can a single NFL season overlap two distinct trends? Simple: some thought that the phrase “Year of the Quarterback” was actually a lazy media’s facile means of giving that much more press to an already obsessed-over position, but no. It was actually a phenomenon dictated by the lunar calendar. For you see, ancient footballers believed that an individual position assumes an overwhelming influence over the events of that year and these switch off in a neverending cycle. This practice has continued to this day. Learn me with the handy guide below.

Quarterback
Element: Hype
Partners well with: Receivers, Running backs, Tight ends, Media, Jesus
Characteristics: Fragile to the point of shattering upon touching, bottomless reservoir of credit and blame, either elite or clown fraud

Tight end
Element: GRONK
Partners well with: Quarterback, Fullback, Porn stars, Basketball, Jesus
Characteristics: Former hoops player if good, fond of dunking ball over crossbar upon scoring, never without two safeties hanging on him trying to make the tackle

Head coach
Element: Stress
Partners well with: Reporters, Other people’s wives, Drill sergeant, Satan
Characteristics: Possesses all-consuming misanthropy, has keen misunderstanding of clock management and when to challenge, can’t call plays as well as you

Kicker
Element: Laces
Partners well with: Nothing
Characteristics: Didn’t ask for this, the reason Tebow wins most of his games, aspires to be good enough to be drafted by the Raiders

Longsnapper
Element: Obscurity
Partners well with: Kicker, Quarterback, People on bench, Jesus
Characteristics: Powerful bond with low-level functionaries everywhere, usually in line behind you at supermarket undetected

Ox
Element: Earth
Partners well with: Snake and Rooster
Characteristics: Not involved with football, doesn’t respond well to coaching, good drive off the ball

Nose tackle
Element: Drain plug
Partners well with: Food, Snacks, Grub, Chow, Jesus
Characteristics: Produces overwhelming joy when able to get a long interception return, bad but humorous dancer

Tweener linebacker
Element: MAMULA
Partners well with: High expectations, Low results, Jesus
Characteristics: Outside linebacker in the 3-4. Defensive end in the 4-3. Lost and unstable in all other defensive schemes.

Workhorse back
Element: Shattered bone
Partners well with: Dr. James Andrews, Fantasy football first round, Jesus
Characteristics: At best doomed to have amazing output curtailed by devastating injury, will probably screw you over the year you draft him

Wide receiver
Element: GLORYBOYISM
Partners well with: Bi-polar disorder, Domestic abuse, Innovative dance technique, several deities at once
Characteristics: Criminally insane, possibly gritty depending on skin tone, has entertaining Twitter feed

Fullback
Element: Weird facemask
Partners well with: Workhorse back, Quarterback, Tight end, Jesus
Characteristics: Occasionally allowed to run for two yards at a time, one time Larry Centers caught a bunch of passes

Safety
Element: Colliding helmets
Partners well with: Wide receiver, Tight end, Quarterback, Jesus
Characteristics: Forever daunted by the challenge of distinguishing which receivers are defenseless and which are not, highly ineffective if white and not John Lynch

Despite getting a handful of just horrible, horrible calls in their favor, the Packers were the first home team to drop a game this postseason. Very sad. But also hilarious to the point of gut laughter pain. Those State Farm ads will take on a very plaintive tone over the next week. It was a mixed weekend for teams with superior offenses and wretched defenses. The Saints and Packers, teams that many hoped to meet in the NFC Championship after a memorable Week 1 shootout and a season of putting up huge points, were downed by opponents that could actually bring pressure with their front four.

The Patriots, another team that fits the mold of defensively inept shootout kings, lived to grit it up another week because they ran into a Broncos team wholly unprepared to face a defense that wouldn’t stupidly stack nine in the box against them all game. Luckily, they’ll face Joe Flacco, who couldn’t make a throw today to save anyone’s life, let alone those who Ray Lewis helped kill but escaped serious conviction by ratting out his friends in a plea bargain with the court. The Ravens won’t be quite as stymied offensively next week, as Houston’s defense is far superior to New England’s. This also isn’t the floundering ’09 Pats team that Baltimore came into Foxboro and wiped their ass with in the Wild Card round a week after Wes Welker was lost for the season. The Patriots will put up points and Joe Flacco is actually going to have to do something, anything to keep up. Best of luck, Fu Manchu.

As for the NFC, the Giants will get the heft of the hype this week, by virtue of having felled the seemingly juggernaut droptastic Packers and also just being a team from New York. I wouldn’t bet the Niners will allow Eli to convert 5,000 third downs the way Green Bay’s porous defense did. And the Giants might do something to guard against Vernon Davis running free down the middle of the field. As PK would say, it’s an INTERESTING matchup, except for the potential of Alex Smith regressing to regular Alex Smith.

We’ll have live blogs for both conference championship games next weekend. Until then, I don’t know, get drunk and touch yourself.

You might have heard that the last time a playoff game was hosted at Lambeau Field, Eli Manning and the Giants won to advance to Super Bowl XLII. Well I’m here to tell you that was an elaborately constructed fiction fobbed off on the masses to sell Citizen Eco-Drive watches and Oreo cookies. It was actually Brett Favre who went on to defeat the then-unbeaten Patriots. Yeah, the shocking revelation still isn’t enough to make me tolerate Brittfar or even not wish gruesome tractor accident-related death on him, but at least now you know the truth.

Flacco’s bitchy tongue-and-cheek comments this week about the Ravens winning despite his mediocre play was awfully prophetic. Being bailed out by one-handed catches by Lee Evans and Anquan Boldin saved him from an unbroken 60 minutes of ineptitude. Nevertheless, T.J. Yates proved somehow to be the lesser. What did the Ravens do to win today except have fumbles bounce their way? They played some good centerfield on Yates INTs, perhaps.

Even leastiest was Jacoby Jones, who basically gave the Ravens the win with a fumble on his punt return attempt in the first quarter that set Baltimore up for an easy score. Jones fared almost as bad on subsequent returns, running sideway and not gaining any yards despite having 10 yards of open space.

Dare I say I actually feel for Wade Phillips? Florence Tubbingale earned it today, so toss the man a 20-piece bucket already.

Fake mustaches are the equivalent of breast implants for Baltimore women.

Not sure what Reedfense is, but my guess is that it’s not so much a word as it is a cry for help. Whatever it is, it probably won’t be around next week when the Ravens travel to Foxboro. That’s a shame. But I’m sure slow-ass Ray Lewis can cover Gronkowski and Hernandez just as well.

Just curious – after all the seemingly benign stuff we’ve seen flagged this year, how is running 30 yards to the stands after an INT not excessive celebration?