Last year, the Lions set the benchmark for failure to which all future failures will be compared, at least until the NFL expands its schedule to 18 games and some woebegone franchise (Redskins?) finds a way to lose that many games in a season. This year, the Rams look every bit as bad – possibly even worse – than that Detroit team from a year ago. Other than a matchup at currently winless Tennessee later in the season, this Sunday represents the Rams’ best chance at getting in the win column, seeing as how six of their final eight games pit them against teams with a .500 or better record. As fate would have it, it’s the Lions who could be the guardians of another epic NFL fail. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Rams____________________2008 Detroit Lions

Point differential through seven games

-151_________________________________-98

Number of times shutout

Twice_______________________________Zero

Is there an inconvenient crisis among the prominent industry in town that will lead to innumerable painful bailout jokes associated with the team’s horrid play?

Thankfully not (but they’d still like jobs)______________Oooohhhhh yeah

Are they responsible for Nelly or Kid Rock?

Nelly_____________________________Kid Rock

Pictoral approximation of failure

Medical failure analog

Kidney failure________________________Rectal prolapse

Meager redeeming quality

Avoided Rush Limbaugh as owner (through no fault of their own)______Suckered Dallas into paying big for Roy Williams

Finishing move

Laying down and dying quietly (on top of an animal)_________________Necrophilia fodder

Dan Snyder: Greetings, subjects. Welcome to the Bi-Weekly Officially Licensed Redskins Leadership Communique, sponsored by Freecreditreport.com.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Have the Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations been to your liking?

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: That is welcome news. Some of my advisers cautioned that downgrading to Grade Q meats would cause undue food poisoning. So I had their voice boxes removed.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: First item: Non-Designated Color Attire is hereby banned from all Officially Licensed Public Redskins Outdoor Settings. Failure to act in compliance with this regulation – one that has always been in place despite what you may have heard or experienced previously – will result in penalty of death. Retroactive violations of this always existing rule – those will result in death. Those who do not report observing others trying to violate this rule – death!

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Second item: All persons currently using Officially Authenticated Redskins Transport Modules to their place of work must pay a Personal Occupancy Fee for each minute waiting at the pick-up station. If the module arrives later than its scheduled time, you will be charged double for those minutes. If the module is at full capacity upon arrival, you will shot to prevent overflow.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Third item: Any person found with legal tender that is not Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars shall be forced into a lifetime of vending Miller Lites in the FedEx Field restrooms.

Redskins Fan #35601: But you’ve taken all our money already anyway.

Crowd: [Stunned silence]

Dan Snyder: SEIZE HIM!

Dan Snyder: Because of your impudence, this week’s Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Ration will only include TWO leaflets promoting Eastern Motors. End communication.

Crowd: HAIL!

IN SUMMATION, THE REDSKINS ARE NOT GOOD AND SHERM LEWIS IS A BETTER BINGO CALLER THAN COACH. Apologies for the lack of a recap last night, but I figure people would want to relive that abortion of a game as little as possible. Plus, I only got three decent screencaps before drunkenness and disinterest caused me to tune out early in the second half. Before the game, we did marvel at the repugnance of Chris Cooley’s adoption of the Eminem look. According to Maj, he was on the radio this morning saying “he was all excited because he wants to keep it and grow it out and keep going whiter and whiter. Then he got in the car last night and Christie basically told him he looked stupid and he needs to dye it back.” Sorry your cheerleader wife doesn’t approve of you turning into Jeff Reed, Chris. Also, here’s the Geico caveman tailgating before the game. No way Daniel Snyder arranged for him to be caught by cameras for money. And here’s a sad ‘Skins fan who’s liable to be the first guy to hang himself with a letter. And, as always, here’s the Matron Saint. Oh Suzy, you deserve better than this game.

You must have some really pivotal fantasy starters in this game (they better be on the Eagles) or else we need to look into some kind of live blog addiction intervention for the lot of you. This game will not be good. It will not be entertaining in the least. Don’t say you weren’t warned. I’m only tuning as a sick form of self-abnegation and to see whether Dan Snyder will dispatch his stormtroopers to cudgel the first poor sap dumb enough to stick a sign in front of an ESPN camera that suggests the team should be sold. Six Flags in PG has been an internment camp for such foolhardy fans for the previous three years. Somehow nobody has noticed.

Brad Childress will only rush him once every three plays inside the opponent’s one-yard-line, but Purple Jesus made the most of his opportunity to flatten Steelers cornerback William Gay (says flubby: FROM… LOUISVILLE!) Of course, Peterson’s truckage was wasted a few plays later when Brett Favre and Chester Taylor conspired to put the ball in Keyaron Fox’s chest* and cost Minnesota the game.

*”Really all the refs’ fault” – bitchy Vikings fans

A reader sent this screencap of sudden receiving threat Miles Austin showing off his ghastly shark-like teeth yesterday. Truly disturbing. It’s like he swallowed the Vampire Fleshlight.

I don’t need to tell any regular reader of KSK what’s in store for them after the jump.

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Because those of us who root for teams that don’t sign Favre in a desperate and misguided attempt at getting a title never have our feelings conflicted. We can still delight in all his failings, especially when they finally surface against our (my) favorite team

MWAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA

/gets Mastodon and Queens of the Stone Age to disband only to ruin Drew’s day further

//includes consolation photo of Vikings jersey customized with the Peterson nickname Drew coined

Airbrushed motorcycles with Scarface and Steelers themes. Only available on display outside Jerome Bettis’ bar and in every exurban shopping mall food court in the country.

And of all the lazy name plate replacements I’ve seen on mid-’90s pre-Steelers-uniform-design Kordell Stewart jerseys, this one is at least among the top 10 most generic.

They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Rob, the Giants fan who transmogrified from regular sweatshirted lumpy guy to a weepy pathetic slimy mess following his team’s loss to the Eagles in divisional playoffs last year, gets a chance at some web redemption tomorrow night courtesy of tosh.0. Just remember Comedy Central producers, WE HAD HIS PATHETIC DISPLAY OF SNIVELING BLUBBERY BLUBBERING FIRST! WE DEMAND AT MINIMUM ONE SCREEN CAP FROM THE BLOG ON THE SHOW! OR EVEN THE CHANCE TO WRITE A PILOT FOR THE NETWORK THAT DESPERATELY TRIES TO COPY THE EDGINESS AND RACIAL HUMOR OF CHAPPELLE’S SHOW AND FAILS MISERABLY! WE’RE UP TO THE TASK!

Jeff Reed has once again reinforced his rock-solid reputation as douche of the drunkenist order by getting a police citation yesterday after the Steelers win at home against Cleveland. But this time it was really 10-foot-tall blocking deficient backup tight end Matt Spaeth who initiated the problems by having cops catch him peeing on an SUV.

Skippy only made things bad for himself when he [premature facepalm] unimpressively tried to challenge the officers to a bit o’ the fisticuffs.

The officer went to Mr. Spaeth to issue a citation when, police said, the Steelers kicker got out of the vehicle.

He refused to get back into the vehicle, which was driven by his father. Instead, Mr. Reed put up his fists and got “into a fighters stance,” according to a police affidavit.

The confrontation was swift as one officer put Mr. Reed in an arm lock while a second officer forced him to the ground.

Nicely done, Skip. I bet Daniel Sepulveda would have at least gotten a punch off.

via.

Welcome to the Friday Five, our unimaginitively-named Friday afternoon post where we provide you with five things the KSK staff is looking forward to this coming weekend. It was a tough week of empty balloon watching and SkiFree reminiscing, but we made it through intact. And these next two days are our reward. Why, there are actually good games this weekend. A showdown of unbeaten teams! A face-off between the faggy purple-clad franchises! Stacy Andrews-Tom Cable punching spree! And so much more!

This week, what we’re looking looking forward to most is…

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