This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

Chris Johnson is your lion-maned Meast after shredding the 49ers defense for 135 yards and two scores. Add to that the fact that he had another 80-yard TD nullified by penalty after it was ruled he stepped out of bounds, and that’s a textbook Meastian performance. We almost gave it to him the other week after his “getting-away-from-the-cops speed” game, but opted to shock the world with Ted Ginn instead. Gus Johnson was later forced to apologize for that remark (he defended the call by saying people of all races run from the police, which is true, BUT ONLY BLACK PEOPLE GET AWAY!), which is about as stupid as Muslim groups having to apologize for the Fort Hood shooting. But people are stupid and expect these things, I guess. Anyway, if Johnson were on any less putrid of a team, he’d probably be in the thick of the MVP race. He’s on pace to run for close to 2,000 yards and is averaging an insane 6.7 yards per carry. That’s more than the Redskins gain most weeks.

Your Least this week is Champ Bailey, who’s often wrongly still referred to as the best cover corner in the NFL, even though it’s been a few years since that’s actually been the case. Sorry, Champ, Darrelle Revis and Nnamdi Asomugha done took yo shit. After the Broncos secondary was fluffed for the entire first half of last night’s game, Bailey was routinely torched by Santonio Holmes in the second. He then capped the night by letting a small dirty playing Asian guy jump over him into the endzone for some piling-on points. We also considered Andy Reid and DeAngelo Hall this week, but then we know they’ll be back for more suckling at the teat of suck in no time at all.

Brah, I don’t even know how to react to that! First, I’m all, like, WHEW! There’s Coldplay on the Pod. I praise Brahman for Coldplay. But then you go drop bombs on my moms with the no DMB disclosure. That’s like play-action mindf*ck, brah.

Brah! Is your black brah trying to hang on to the lingering strains of his blackness? Nah brah, you gotta indoctrinate that black brah to chill tunes. Otherwise he could get crazy subversive rap ideas and turn into a gangbanging brah. That’s no way for a black brah to be. It’s dope that you got him on the Coldplay, though. Just add Rilo Kiley and he and Peter King can be tight coffeehouse brahs.

But you really gotta get him on the DMB, brah. It’s, like, not getting your daily dose of chill without it. RDA of DMB, brah. You gotsta have it.

You’re just dropping all the knowledge on the Tweeple today, Brahmaster Fuller.

The Eagles and Cowboys meet with NFC East primacy on the line. Just weeks ago, the Iggles lost to the Raiders and the Cowboys had to squeak by the Chiefs. Now suddenly, they’re teams of consequence once more. It’s key for Dallas to build as large a division lead as possible before December sets in and they lose all their games in spectacular fashion. After signs had indicated he would play, Brian Westbrook will instead sit out for a second straight week. Tony Romo, meanwhile, will have to make sure that he stops playing favorites with Miles Austin. C’mon, Tony – just because he’s actually capable of getting open and can communicate with you in your mystical smialect (that’s a dialect for smiles, duh) doesn’t mean you have to ignore Roy Williams.

As we wait for kickoff, here are a few of the standout moments from the first two Sunday timeslots.

1. Via reader Michael from Charlotte come the greatest (and by greatest, we mean the only non-nauseating) split team jersey taxidermy in the history of anything ever.

2. BUCS WIN! BUCS WIN! CREAMSICLE SHERBET BUCCO BRUCE GAYCATION CELEBRATION! But, hey, since when do the Buccaneers have enough greats for a ring of honor? Shouldn’t it be a carpet sample of honor?

3. Tom Brady acts like a dick for no reason? GET OUT!

4. Tiny Darren is never too small to get blowed up rull good.

5. Via Deadspin – Ocho brought a few singles onto the field in Cincy at the beginning of the 4th quarter against Baltimore, playfully pretending to pay off the refs while they reviewed a sideline catch that he made (it was overturned). Or was he giving the Baltimore secondary some walking around money before half of them get cut after the season? NO, HE WAS DEFINITELY PAYING OFF THE REFS! GET ‘EM, RAVENS CONSPIRACY THEORISTS!

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

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Time again for the KSK sexbag, the weekly feature that combines flex positions and sex positions, PPRs and STDs, running back handcuffs and the ones you use on the freaky coworker.

This installment runs kind of long, as I compiled most of it during the World Series game last night and I find facing the choice between work and watching baseball really ramps up the productivity, so hooray for surplus mailbag content. If it’s still too much for you, there’s always a game of Steakhouse or Gay Bar. If you sent a question that didn’t get used, you either sent it too late or it wasn’t interesting enough. My condolences. Feel free to try again next week.

Topics tackled within: Porny appearance as false determinant of freakiness, how much a third wheel has to try to maintain an open marriage, presex masturbatory guidelines, animosity between wives and female drinking buddies, and spicy psycho Peruvian girls.

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Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”

Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!

Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.

Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”

Curse these likable Saints!

You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.

And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.

Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.

And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!

Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.

Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.

Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.

Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.

Matt Schaub: Like what?

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