It’s only took a decade or so, but repeated disappointment finally tempered the mania and inflated expectations of many D.C. fans whenever Daniel Snyder gasses up the jet and goes hunting for faded big-name free agents. Still, you can always count on some to fall into the Offseason Champs trap. When it does happen, it is glorious. It’s my favorite thing about Washington aside from the stark class and race divide. WaPo’s Sally Jenkins, usually a sound writer, has done just that with Ol’ Battleship Manning. She might be trolling, and that’s fine. She might be serious, and that would be even better.

Do it. Get him. Whatever must be done, however much the Redskins have to pay or promise to bring Peyton Manning to Washington, they should offer it.

If you can mortgage your future to bring a likely nerve damaged soon-to-be 36-year-old quarterback to a rebuilding franchise, you do it. Pop the bubbly, DMV!

This is one instance in which Dan Snyder needs to be the Dan Snyder we used to know, the check-writer with a signature on the bottom flashier than a fountain.

Woah woah woah. What’s this “used to” stuff? Because it’s been three whole years since the last catastrophic free agent signing?

This isn’t some impulsive grab at a big-name jersey. Manning has absolutely nothing in common with the fat and happy Redskins free agent disasters of the past.

He’s the gaunt and forlorn disaster of the future! Whereas others were content to take big money and fail, Peyton will be super pissed about it and that means something, ITHINKMAYBE.

We are talking about a player who, even if his 36-year-old arm is weakened, will instantly elevate the team, franchise and by extension the entire city with his competitive character.

His arm is weak but his competitive character will make transform D.C. into a cloud city with Billy Dee Williams as mayor. Congress will instantly grant D.C. voting rights, because who doesn’t want to hear from Competition Cloud City?

Manning is well worth the biggest gamble in franchise history. According to doctors, he is healed from neck surgery, and there is every indication he can regain his arm strength.

And that’s why Peyton’s had multiple surgeries, because all the other ones went perfectly and he wanted to be extra perfect. He’s that competitive!

The Redskins indeed need to “draft one of their own” at some point. But the stern reality is that their draft choice may not pan out, and it could take more than one draftee before they find their future.

“Draft picks are tooooo risky! Old busted quarterbacks like Donovan McNabb and Peyton Manning are a stone-cold lock!”

As Redskins Coach Mike Shanahan has said repeatedly in the past year about his failed hunt for a field leader, which led from the sluggish McNabb to the mulish Rex Grossman

I’ll interpret that as a commentary on his size.

“These guys don’t drop off trees.”

If they did, Snyder might not have destroyed all those trees blocking his view of the Potomac

/Dave McKenna burns

The greats are rare, and within that category Manning is even rarer, a once-in-a-generation opportunity. He’s the record holder for league MVP awards with four, the single most accomplished, highest-quality free agent ever to hit the open market.

Since the Seahawks signed Jerry Rice.

This is no Dana Stubblefield, or Deion Sanders, or Jeff George. This is a player so exacting and intelligent and impactful that it’s hard to measure the uplift he gives a franchise.

Coming soon: the District of Upliftville!

A couple of years ago I asked Jimmy Johnson what he saw as the biggest problem holding the Redskins back.

“Lack of ExtenZe.”

Why, I asked, were they locked in such a decade-long stasis, why was it that no matter how many coaching changes, and no matter how many times they remade the roster, they still fought to be an 8-8 team. He answered without hesitation, “Quarterback play.”

Sally must have beat a retreat before Jimmy could add “line play, receiver play, lack of pass rush, secondary play, special teams play, coaching, front office mismanagement and possible gypsy curse.”

I’ve heard all the arguments against making Manning a Redskin — they can’t protect him, they don’t have enough big targets for him — and they are nonsense. Manning’s line was plenty iffy in Indianapolis the last couple of years, and just look what he did behind it.

F*ck up his neck?

The pitch to Manning should be: come lay down a cornerstone and be part of returning the Redskins to greatness. There is no better or more appreciative city in which to be champion, none.

They’ll name a burger after you at BGR!

There’s one more thing the Redskins can offer. They have an owner who has shown a willingness to open his wallet when needed, who is not afraid of spending money to buy excitement. It’s finally time to use that to their advantage.

Oh, good idea. Why didn’t anyone ever think to make their biggest liability a strength?

Son, do you know why I pulled you over?

I observed you going through a post-Super Bowl loss period experiencing little to no sign of outward remorse or crushing sadness. One might even go as far as to say you displayed borderline joyous behavior.

These are serious charges, son. As serious as losing a Super Bowl. When I see you prancing about all willy-nilly like it don’t mean nothing, you force my hand. I’m taking you in.

But first, we gonna have us a little chat. Now, they let you play this game so I know at one point somebody sat you down and told you what’s what. In the off-chance you forgot, allow me to refresh:

The game is life. This game is more than life. Life has plenty of rules so you know the game has even more. The game has so many, I don’t even know most of ‘em. But I do know first and foremost it’s serious business and everything hinges on wins and losses. I’ve ruined men’s health and livelihoods and not given it second thought. But failing at the game? That what haunts me. I lost Super Bowls and turned to alcohol and hard drugs to keep my mind from thinking on it. Turns out those substances don’t mix well with HGH. It resulted in a few assault charges that I’m trying to keep on the low, but the experience as a whole made me a stronger man because I learned to confront my grief head-on, like a defenseless receiver.

I knocked the piss out of my grief. And I let every one know I did it. I didn’t just do it because it’s the law; it’s the right thing to do. People were grateful because they felt right to view the game as a serious business because I did too. They see you not torn up about it, what are they supposed to think? That it doesn’t really matter? Can’t be having that.

We’re gonna take a little ride down the station. I’m gonna let you clear your head in the grief tank and by tomorrow you’ll be carrying on like your loved ones were cut down before their time. Sorry about them, by the way. HGH… [Shrugs]

[NFL Ministry of Culture]

Sentry: Authorized visitor in Sector 23819. Open cell!

Guard: Opening cell!

[Cell door opens, pained groans emanate from within]

Roger Goodell: Are we awake?

M.I.A.: Uggghhhh… where am I?

Goodell: I’ll ask the questions.

M.I.A.: This is bullsh*t. You can’t hold me. I have rights. People will find out about this. They’ll -

Goodell: Subdue the prisoner.

[Guard chokes her with NFL-branded nightstick]

Goodell: I can do as I please. Tell me, Ms. – ahem – Arulpragasam, is it? How was a performer of your artistic integrity or relevance able to gain entry to the most important and tightly controlled entertainment spectacle in the world?

M.I.A.: Madonna invited me.

Goodell: Liar.

M.I.A.: She did. Ask her.

Goodell: LISTEN, I WILL BULLDOZE SRI LANKA RIGHT NOW. YOUR HOMELAND WILL BE A PERMANENT PRO BOWL SITE IF YOU DON’T GIVE ME THE ANSWERS I WANT.

M.I.A.: Fine. Me said me was Jessie J.

Goodell: And they believed you?

M.I.A.: ‘Course. No one actually knows what Jessie J. looks like.

Goodell: Hmm. Clever girl. I’ll give you that much. Such a waste of potential.

M.I.A.: What are you going to do with me?

Goodell: All in due time. First, I must know: what did you hope to achieve through your vulgar display of terrorist agitprop?

M.I.A.: Me was, like, making a message about the neo-imperialist dogma that permeates the kult-cha.

Goodell: Neo-imperialist dogma. I see.

M.I.A.: It’s somefing you could never understand.

Goodell: I suppose that’s true. Immaterial, but true. For, you see, it is not my job to understand. Rather, it is I who must make you understand.

M.I.A.: Understand what?

Goodell: THE FCC DOESN’T LIKE BAD WORDS, NAUGHTY GESTURES AND EXPOSED NIPPLES! IT’S THE ONE THING THAT CAN STOP TOTAL WORLD DOMINATION AND SYNERGISTIC BRANDING OPPORTUNITIES

M.I.A.: I don’t care.

Goodell: Oh, but you will. SEND HER IN!

Selena Gomez: Sup grrrl. U look maaaaddd kewt!

M.I.A: OH NO

Selena Gomez: I’m in luvs and it’s like a luv song.

Goodell: Once you have succumbed to her mental programming, you will become pliant to our every suggestion. You will apologize for ever sullying the Super Bowl Halftime Show. You will hawk Pepsi on every inch of your body. You and J.Lo will sell Fiats until the day your children die. You’ll put out an critically acclaimed album about the 18-game season. YOU WILL CONVINCE BRITISH PEOPLE TO CANCEL THE OLYMPICS AND PROCEED WITH ORGANIZING A LONDON SUPER BOWL.

Selena Gomez: And I keep hitting re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat

M.I.A.: MUST RESIST

Selena Gomez: Re-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat-peat DISSSSSNEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYYY

- The new sensation sweeping Troll Nation: Bradying, which involves people adopting Tom Brady’s sullen pose of defeat from the Super Bowl. Busted Coverage already has some submissions from readers. I prefer @matt_T‘s approach (above) of just Photoshopping him into existing memes and funny situations, but that’s me.

- Of course, there can be no Bradying without its more pious and less fun cultural ancestor, Tebowing. A Colorado family made a gigantic Tebowing snowman, which, if there were a just God, would spring to life and crush them for worshiping false idols.

-A woman interviewed at the Giants victory parade said the Giants player she was most looking forward to seeing was “SANCHEZZZZZZ!” It’s funny because Mark Sanchez doesn’t play for the Giants and whatever team Mark Sanchez plays for isn’t gonna have a Super Bowl parade on account of having Mark Sanchez. Also, as an adult, she’s probably too old for Sanchez anyway.

- Steve Weatherford was also playing a drum during the parade, because as we all know from when he brought 100 Shake Weights to Jets training camp during “Hard Knocks” a few years back, Steve Weatherford is one zany punter bro. Perhaps the zaniest. Coming for you, Chris Kluwe!

- Ricky Williams has announced that he’s going to retire to free up time for Ewok Village.

This means Michael Vick and Santonio Holmes will have to fetch a scale to figure out how they’re going to parcel out future “NFL players using marijuana” punchlines. Sam Hurd gets a cut, of course.

- An online pawn company looking for cheap publicity delivered 900 pounds of Butterfingers to Boston’s Copley Square in honor of Wes Welker being all droppy and stuff. More dickish to taunt Welker or not just give them to Vince Wilfork?

- Even though Maria Menounos doesn’t have anything to do with sports, we always have to hear about how she’s a Boston fan. Apparently she made a lost a bet on the Super Bowl and had to wear a Giants bikini, which is whatever, but I enjoy how hard this guy is laughing at her in this photo, so it makes the Klearinghouse.

If you love lumbering Ivan Drago dance party and insane amounts of audio distortion, I’ve got just the video for you. If only we knew Gronk liked to dance with shirtless guys so much, we’d have recommended he hang out with Vince Young more.

[Holds nose while crediting Barstool]

Disney World? Eli been had Disney World. This time, he’s going for the gusto.

In other “Eli is the little slugger made good” developments:

Oh ho ho! Disarming bit of self-deprecation or calculated remark to draw a prized new endorsement for Eli?

“Slowly maturing. Experiencing weird changes. Uncomfortable in his own skin. Eli Manning is. That’s why he uses the Lil’ Bastard’s First Shaving Kit.”

And so we begin our sad lurch into the off-season, where the best hope for news beyond the future of Peyton Manning is draft speculation and player misdeeds. Lucky for us, a nice example of the latter has already come our way. Here’s the report from TMZ minus the half dozen unnecessary ellipses:

Denver Broncos running back Knowshon Moreno was arrested for drunk driving in Denver earlier this month and in an ironic twist of fate, cops say the license plate on his ride read “SAUCED.”

Police say Moreno smelled like booze and when he performed poorly on a field sobriety test, they arrested him for DUI.

First losing his starting job to Willis McGahee and now this. Oh please, Tebow, deliver your teammate from his dependency on alcohol and police-baiting license plates.

The Steelers have hired famed shouting homeless person Todd Haley to be their next offensive coordinator. Because that’s a reasonable move from a team that forced out Bruce Arians because his play-calling was too pass-happy.

It’s a curious call as few can tell the dynamic of the relationship Haley will have with Ben Roethlisberger. Will Haley constantly berate The Ben on the sidelines or will the two be comfortable enough together to tool around the South Side for potential date rapes? Time will tell.

“Hey big guy, from what I’ve heard, you got in a bit of trouble for getting rough with the ladies. I know what that’s like. Most of ‘em like it that way anyhow. They say they don’t, but they do. It’s all a game. These chicks, man, they ain’t nothing but trouble. Fella can’t tell where the line is these days. This one time I was crushing beers, and this little thing asked if I she can get me another. I yanked her by her hair from behind the bar to the back seat of the Camaro. Later I find out she tried to press charges. Can you believe that?

You know what? I think we’re gonna along all right, you and me. WHAT? THAT DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN LOOK ME IN THE EYE, FAGGOT. THE F*CK YOU THINK I AM?! YOU’RE BUMPED DOWN TO PRACTICE SQUAD, STAT. WE DON’T PLAY EYE FOOTSIE IN THE HOUSE OF HALEY!”

When a team that KSK collectively loathes makes it to the Super Bowl, we can get a little carried away with rooting for their opponent. This might lead some to believe that we objectively approve of a slapdick team like the Giants. We do not. We hate everyone. Just some a little more than others. The Giants are goddamn annoying, but only slightly less annoying than the Patriots. Given a little more sustained success and the attending sense of entitlement, who knows? The gap isn’t as wide as it used to be.

We’re glad the Giants were able to beat the Pats in the Super Bowl in a fashion somewhat similar to the way they did four years ago. But if it weren’t you, it would have just been the Niners or the Packers. Expedience doesn’t excuse the fact that you’re mostly Yankees fans and denizens of Durrty Jerzz. Despite your constant protestations, you’re just as trashy as Jets fans, so stop putting on airs, you dicks.

Stop calling your team the New York Football Giants. The baseball team left more than 50 years ago. There’s no confusion. SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.

Yeah, I know, all us other fan bases are super jealous that your team won the title and that they made the incredible run twice in five years. It’s true. So we’re gonna take extra satisfaction when your team hopefully follows up this title like they did the last time, by running roughshod through the NFC, getting the top seed, then sh*tting the bed against the rival Eagles in the playoffs. Make us another crying Giants fan.

By the way, thanks for getting swept by the Redskins. Now D.C. fans have something, even sarcastically, to crow about. That’s never good. Getting Devin Thomas a ring for ‘Skins trolling purposes only provides minor relief.

Dammit, Eli: now that we finally have to admit you’re good, the least you could do is embrace it and talk a little sh*t about your brother.

YOU’VE BEEN IN PEYTON’S SHADOW YOUR WHOLE LIFE. WE KNOW YOU’RE ENJOYING THIS. ACT LIKE IT. NO ONE SAID YOU HAD TO WAVE YOUR DICK AT HIM, BUT MAKE A JOKE, YOU AWKWARDLY STOIC OLIVIA OEDIPUS.

NeckAIDS better run in the family.

You can expect a bit of messy fallout from any team losing a championship game – backbiting player comments to the media, fans starting pointless petitions complaining about calls, riots, supermodel wives of star quarterbacks throwing her hubby’s receivers under the bus for drops. Then, there are those brainfarts that are so powerfully repellent that they linger through all of sports discussion for days, maybe weeks. The Boston Globe’s Eric Wilbur has issued forth just such an emission.

Not so safety call: Blame Brady for this one

The legend is dead, the prince has turned back into a frog, and…well, use whatever other cliché you want.

It was a dark and stormy night.

The butler did it.

We all learned important life lessons from magical Negroes.

I don’t see how this helps.

Sorry, Tommy Boy, this one’s on you. Your hideous performance led to the Giants’ 21-17 Super Bowl title win. How embarrassing for your coach, your teammates, and your fans.

I’m a Tom Brady hater and I’m embarrassed. How did I squander so much of my life waiting for this clown fraud to display his clown fraudiness? In reality, he sucked all along. My life could have been better spent learning dead languages or lobbying local government to build a pedestrian bridge over poor neighborhoods.

But especially for you, boy wonder. It was one thing when you led the game off with a safety, which surely put plenty of faith into the heart of Patriot Nation

ONCE THE HAHHHTT OF PATS SAWX NATION WAS LAWST, THEY SHOULD HAVE SAVED EVERYONE THREE HOURS AND CAWLED IT A NIGHT. WE CAN STILL CATCH SHAMELESS. THAT EMMY RAWSSUM SHOWS HER TITS IN EVERY EPISODE!

but just when you have the game, just when you might be able to run off the clock, you huck the thing downfield. Yes, if Wes Welker catches that thing, you’re in the clear

If someone else didn’t screw up, you wouldn’t be assigned blame for their screw-up. So there. And remember when the safety lost the Pats the game in the first quarter? Well that was only the first loss. The Welker drop was, like, the third or fourth Super Bowl that New England lost last night. Extra wrenching.

but what happened to being safe in that situation? What happened to the Patriot Way and clock management?

Yeah, what happened to the Patriot Way of running the ball to win games? It must have gone from a myth to a fairy tale to a movie pitch where Mark Walhberg stops 9/11 with a street-wise Corey Dillon sidekick that he openly detests.

Maybe that moment will actually hit you as you’re whittling down water slides in South America looking like Prince Valiant this spring. The Patriots haven’t won a title in seven years, but even worse, they’re now turning into the Buffalo Bills

A perennial sub-.500 team? Quite impressive that they made the Super Bowl, then.

with the Giants being their Cowboy daddy.

That image only works because Eli has been known to ride to the practice facility on hobbyhorse.

That’s not easy to swallow in a region where New York is regarded as highly as the menu at Beacon Hill Pub.

Hey! Three and a half stars on Yelp. New York is regarded by Boston as a modestly priced outlet for average food. Seems a little inaccurate.

But, there you are, Tom. That’s what you have become. Your legacy has been stamped, but you’re turning your Joe Montana status into one of Jim Kelly. But, hey what you worry? There’s that new mansion in the “Names” pages to deal with.

If you take away the hour that Brady was a disconsolate wreck after the game, he barely even noticed the Pats lost. Too busy adding boldface tags to his name in all the copy.

Yes, there were plenty of dropped passes to go around. Granted. But when you begin the game with such a boneheaded play, then proceed to make random mistakes, sorry, Tom, game is on you.

So long as I leave the word “granted” after the part that destroys my argument, I’m okay to meander on.

“Yes, humans can’t survive without oxygen for more than maybe a minute and pressure at that depth would crush them. Granted. But the failure of humans to colonize the ocean floor is simply a failure of our collective imagination.”

There was no fourth and 13 to blame Belichick for.

4th and 13? Nope. Iffy playcalling and downright poor clock management? Sure. Or are you leaving the BELICHICK HAS LAWST HIS FASTBALL column for Simmons?

Welker was the closest thing to Asante, and the eeriness compared to the Tyree play will be discussed for decades to come.

I know! No one ever completes long passes late in games except the Giants on the Patriots in the Super Bowl. So eerie!

Thanks for that too. Can’t wait. Oh, look, another text coming in from 212…

Tom, it’s not all your fault,

Granted.

but you’re the poster boy, you had opportunities, and you failed to make them.

Or people failed to catch them.

Add to that your blunders, and it all becomes about you. You blew this Super Bowl. You denied your coach No. 4. You let down your teammates.

Look how sad you made Ocho. He was so looking forward to riding a duckboat. DUCKBOAT, the boat that’s a duck!

Eli and Peyton now have as many rings as you combined over the past five years. You haven’t sniffed one in seven. How’s that hit you?

You have as many rings as two top-tier quarterbacks combined. Loser.

Maybe it doesn’t hit you as hard anymore, and maybe that’s the problem.

The safety killed the Patriots. Killed them.

So much that they went on the take the lead for a long stretch of the game.

And there’s nobody to blame but Tom Brady.

However hard it might be to swallow, the glory days are gone. Even Montana handed off to Mallett at some point, right?

[Checks NFL Reference]

No, Joe Montana never did that.