Taking seven balls in one day and remaining a tight end, now that’s talent.

As much as I’d love to give the comely actress credit (by which I mean the credit card maneuver), FOX Sports should note that that was actually Panthers tight end Dante Rosario who made the last-second winning touchdown grab against the Chargers yesterday. Rosario Dawson was only involved in the play in a sexy context.

Reminder: The first of our regularly scheduled Monday Night Football live blogs is this evening. We’ll definitely be doing the first and possibly the second if Jay Cutler can keep our blood sugar levels high enough.

Yahoo is reporting that Tom Terrific is out for the year with a torn ACL. And it’s all thanks to the one bright beautiful man who was steel willed enough to heed our demands and make good on the challenge of a generation. For making ribbons of Dreamboat’s ligaments, we present you with this legal tender entitling the holder to $50 $60 worth of goods and services. And a goodie bag!

With it, you can buy:

-Commemorative Super Bowl XLII DVD
-One month of Netflix AND Gamefly membership
-Probably a decent lamp at Ikea
-Armed protection from Bahstan fans (5 minutes)
-6,000 Bernard Pollard football cards
- Lucrative bet against Maj’s picks that you’re bound to win

These are just a small sampling of the many options at your disposal. Don’t feel constrained by our suggestions. The money is yours to spend as you see fit. And thank you, sir. Thank you from the bottom of our cold, black, unfeeling hearts.

Oh wait, they were playing the Lions and the Bengals. I guess that makes sense. Still, how the fuck does Michael Turner go over 200 with a rookie QB starting? (more…)

In this time of rancorous political partisanship, people of all creeds and beliefs are encouraged to put their differences aside and find common ground in pulling for the Steelers. Okay, well, the VP candidates at least, because they both root for the Black & Gold.

One change in Biden since his ascent is his willingness to talk about the deaths of his first wife, Neilia, and their baby daughter, Naomi, in a traffic accident weeks after he won his first Senate race in 1972. Earlier this year, when Iowa voters would ask him about the accident, Biden would say that to talk about it was to relive it.

Now he accepts it as part of his appeal. On Friday night, when Obama and Biden met Steelers Coach Mike Tomlin in Pittsburgh, Biden recounted how “Old Mr. Rooney” — Steelers owner Dan Rooney — dispatched some players from his championship team to the hospital room in Wilmington where Biden’s two toddler sons, Beau and Hunter, were recovering from the accident. They brought the boys an autographed football as a Christmas present.

“And I have been a Steelers fan since that day,” Biden told Tomlin.

Odd, of course, that the accident happened in 1972 and Art Rooney soon thereafter dispatched his “championship team” despite the fact that the Steelers didn’t win their first Super Bowl until 1975. The Rooneys are only cheap because they splurge on time machines, apparently.

Sarah Palin can teach Republicans how to be Republicans. It’s a simple lesson. But it won’t be easy for anyone who thinks being pragmatic and principled are mutually exclusive. Mrs. Palin, 43, is the governor of Alaska and the brightest light in the land of the midnight sun.

She relishes moose burgers because “they taste better than beef with no chemicals, steroids or hormones.” She adopted the Pittsburgh Steelers because of the team’s success in the 1970s and because there are no major professional teams in her state.

Perhaps their shared fandom can help them skirt a few sticking points in their ideology (or help them commiserate over the fact that the vice presidency isn’t worth the proverbial warm bucket of spit). Sure, one’s in favor of gun control while the other is a member of the NRA. One likes stars while the other likes starfish. Luckily, they are of a piece when it comes to espousing alternate weapons.

A huge KSK leitmotif from last year was sharing our anguish about the insufferable, unending homerism that spewed forth from Bill Simmons weekly during the Pats historic road to the bed in which they shit out five months worth of discharge that Belichick kept hermetically sealed in their buttholes. Exulting in the comeuppance of his wanton hubris was probably the most fun his column has been in years.

Though he’s not done being a douche (”The Pats are no fun if I don’t think they’re gonna win a title. I’d rather talk about the Red Sox and the Celtics, preferably the ‘86 vintage”) he’s at least taking a humbler tack out of the gate (despite detailing how every team that has won a title since the Pats last one in ‘04 has been the beneficiary of inordinate amounts of luck. [Tuck rule reference goes here]). Therefore, he’s knocking the Pats all the way down to conference runners-up, presumably hoping this will gin up some positive karma for his team and he won’t have to sell any more “cursed” black player jerseys on eBay. Will this modesty hold firm? Almost certainly not.

Just in case, the bounty on his hands is set at $10. Do what you must.

We’re not taking any chances here people.

I’m gonna steal the fuck out of the next mayor’s bags!

Tomorrow night marks the beginning of another glorious season of sweet, sweet life-superseding NFL action. It also marks the first of our weekly live blogs. Because the rest of KSK is too busy tending to their brood or, in the case of Maj, watching their team go down the shitter a few days before everyone else’s, it’ll just be me and whatever other panelists I can cobble together beforehand. We’ll be starting at 6:45. Should be fun, by which I mean a huge clusterfuck that I’ll have to purge from my memory with drink.

Ben Roethlisberger: LIFE IS LIKE A HURRICANE, HERE… IN… BIG BEN! RACECARS, LASERS, AEROPLANES, IT’S… A… BIG BEN! MIGHT SOLVE A MYSTERY. OR REWRITE HISTORY… BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO! EVERY DAY THEY’RE OUT THERE MAKING BIG BEN! WOO-OOOOO!

Mike Tomlin: Ben! Ben! Goddammit, Ben! Pay attention!

Roethlisberger: HOH?

Tomlin: Some of us are trying to gameplan for the Texans game. This ain’t the motherfucking preseason no more, shitferbrains.

Roethlisberger: BUT I’M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY 4 IN MY HEAD.

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

TAKE THAT, TURRURIST!

Tomlin: C’mon man, that’s enough already. Bruce Arians wants to go over QB keepers on 3rd and too many yards!

Ben!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW PEW PEW PEW

Tomlin: Someone take those damn guns away from him!

Limas Sweed: [Said while dropping pass] But he doesn’t have any!

Rashard Mendenhall: [Said while fumbling ball] Yeah, he’s using gunfingaz!

Santonio Holmes: [Admires own penis] …

Tomlin: How’m I supposed to get him under control, then?

[Ornate oriental curtain flies open]

Hines Ward: Me think me know how hander Rongrastname!

Roethlisberger: PEW PEW — OH HI HINES!

Ward: Herrrrrro Rongrastname. You and me, ferrow team captain! Leemembel what I say about you risten to coach Tomrin?

Roethlisberger: THAT I SHOULD DO IT?

Ward: And if you do…?

Roethlisberger: BEN GET CHOCO TACO!

Ward: That velee good Rongrastname. Go now, lun arong, go plactice!

[Ben skips off]

Tomlin: So that’s all I gotta do? Promise mental midget a choco taco?

Wald: You is stirr inexpelienced, coach Tomrin. Much to realn about qualtelback. One day, I show foll you. Untir then, KEEP YOUL BRACK HANDS OFF HINES WALD MELCHANDISE!

Tomlin: What merchandise?

Wald: Hey! Hey! I don’t want want no tlouber! I don’t want no tlouber!

[Backs away slowly]

In a time of uncertainty…

One man will rise

(more…)