Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

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Time again for the KSK sexbag, the weekly feature that combines flex positions and sex positions, PPRs and STDs, running back handcuffs and the ones you use on the freaky coworker.

This installment runs kind of long, as I compiled most of it during the World Series game last night and I find facing the choice between work and watching baseball really ramps up the productivity, so hooray for surplus mailbag content. If it’s still too much for you, there’s always a game of Steakhouse or Gay Bar. If you sent a question that didn’t get used, you either sent it too late or it wasn’t interesting enough. My condolences. Feel free to try again next week.

Topics tackled within: Porny appearance as false determinant of freakiness, how much a third wheel has to try to maintain an open marriage, presex masturbatory guidelines, animosity between wives and female drinking buddies, and spicy psycho Peruvian girls.

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Hines Ward: I am no berieve peeper say that numbell one smaltest leceivel arso numbell one dilty prayer.

Clazy! This not having sense. Evelytime, I am making pray extla crean. No othel prayer in reague make pray as crean as I make pray. Give smirre upon compretion of selvice. You see and think to youlserf, “Wow nevel have a seen so crean a pray. I courd eat dinnel light off this pray.”

So why othel footbarr prayer make vote for me be numbell one diltbarr? Jearousy is most rikery the leason. They rook and see they-ul pray not as crean as Hines Wald pray. Say to themserves, “HE IS THINK HE IS SO CREAN! I AM SHOWING HINES WALD BY VOTE HIM DILTY MAN!”

Werr, I am vote 11.6 pelcent of the reague as the most jearous 11.6 percent of the NFR. HOW DOES THAT FEER? TWO CAN PRAY THE ANG-LEE VOTE GAME!

[Door marked "Push" is pulled for two minutes, then flies open]

Ben Roethlisberger: HI HINES

THE BEN IS HELLA STOKED FOR NEW CALL OF DUTY NEXT WEEK! THIS TIME THE WARFARE IS MODERN FOR THE SECOND TIME! I’M GONNA PEW THEN PWN THEN PEW THEN MAYBE UNLEASH KNIFE PWNAGE! BUT IN MODERN STYLE!

WAIT – THAT’S NOT A STOKED FACE! WHY HINES HAS A SAD?

Hines Ward: Rongrastname, rook at rist of dilty prayer foll this yeal. Who you am seeing at top?

Ben Roethlisberger: THAT’S YOU! YOU WIN!

Hines Ward: No, you am not undelstand. Is bad rist! Is not rist you want to be on! Is rist that say to wolrd – this man is dilty man. He shamefurr with dilt! No ret him mally youl daughtel.

Ben Roethlisberger: UH OH

Hines Ward: What?

Ben Roethlisberger: BEN SCREW POOCH

Hines Ward: What you do?

Ben Roethlisberger: I THINK THE BEN VOTED FOR YOU ON THE BAD LIST. SEE, THE MAN ASK THE BEN TO VOTE FOR DIRTY GUY. AND I ‘MEMBERS THIS ONE TIME I SAW YOU DIVE FOR THROW AND GET UP COVERED IN THE ICK. HINES IS A DIRTY GUY! I VOTE FOR HINES!

Hines Ward: I am hoping you not expecting brockers on colnel britz when we pray the Bloncos.

Ben Roethlisberger: DOES THIS MEAN YOU’RE MAD?

Jon Gruden exemplified MAXIMUM DENSITY during his performance in the booth tonight. THIS GUY – he’s an outstanding proliferator of FOOTBALL PLATITUDES. First, he started in by saying that Drew Brees is “The Surgeon.” Much like Peyton Manning, another OUTSTANDING FOOTBALL PLAYER, is “The Sheriff.”

Don’t worry, fans. There was more. Mike Bell was “The Hammer.” Every tight end on the field was a “joker.” To drive the point home, Gruden donned a Batman Joker mask from the movie The Dark Knight. He leads Gotham City in malevolence. THIS GUY – HE GETS VISUAL AIDS! HE’S GOT PROP DISCIPLINE!

Did you see Roddy White cup the tits of a Saints defensive back on his touchdown grab? THAT IS OUTSTANDING REACHAROUND ABILITY, ESPECIALLY IN THE WAKE OF THE NFL’S CAMPAIGN DEALING WITH BREAST CANCER AWARENESS! You just can’t coach that. This guy – he really gets all up in there, inspecting for cancerous lumps. I’M GONNA CALL HIM “THE INSPECTOR.” If I were a cancerous growth, I’d want to stay away from this guy. He’s gonna sniff me out with extreme promptitude.

Did you see this guy sky for an interception? Brent Grimes is “The Levitator.” In all my years in the league, I’ve never seen one guy get up in the air like that guy just did. It’s like he attached a jet pack to his backside and took off. I tell you, I’m stimulated by what just happened on that play. Let me straddle my stool a little wider. You got the camera on that, camera guy? Good. I think you got a real future in camera work. I’m gonna call you “The Focuser.”

Curse these likable Saints!

You know how I know that New Orleans won’t win the Super Bowl this year? Because it would be way too acceptable to the average viewer. Of all the teams that could possibly contend for a title this year, the Saints are the only one (OTHER THAN MAH STILLERS, A-COURSE!) that I would be perfectly content with them getting a championship.

And the likable team never wins titles. NEVER! Sure, on occasion the MORE likable team will win a Super Bowl (viz. SB XLII) but never an entirely likable one.

Look at ‘em, likable little bastards. Breesus leads the league in likability and skipping passes on water. Even with Jeremy Shockey on the roster, I have a hard time hating them (no small feat). Even knowing a Saints title would force more Archie Manning on my television, I can’t say I would be all that troubled by the overall prospect of it happening. I’ve never had a bad experience with a Saints fan. I mean, I’m sure they’re all raging Cajun dickholes when they get in LSU mode, but for whatever reason, when they don the Saints gear they become halfway tolerable, which is the highest compliment I can pay a fan of a franchise other than my own. Most importantly, of course, the Saints have never won dick, so it’s not like their fans could get all that cocky afterward.

And that’s why the Saints are doomed. DOOMED, I SAY!

Matt Schaub: Hey man. I heard the news. Try not to get too bummed. You’ll bounce back, I know it.

Owen Daniels: It sucks. And at the worst possible time too.

Matt Schaub: Yeah, yeah, I know. We had finally climbed above .500 mark. I still hope we can make something of this season without you. Guys’ll step up. You’ll see.

Owen Daniels: There’s that, I guess. But I had some other plans that were about to come to fruition.

Matt Schaub: Like what?

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We abandoned the the Friday Five based on your overwhelming desire to see scantily clad women you could easily find on a Google image search, but because we are loath to abandon established ideas, here are five things we enjoyed about the Sunday that was. There would be more, but the NFL slunk away from an easy victory in the ratings over Game 4 over the World Series because, who knows? We’re too busy trying to figure out if Miles “Baraka” Austin is actually a white guy.

1. Gus Johnson saying Chris Johnson ran “like he was being chased by the cops” after his 52-yard TD scamper against the Jags in the 3rd quarter.

2. Ravens fans carping about the refs even when they’re winning. Not that complaining about the officiating isn’t a constant state of being for Ravens fans.

3. Brittfar’s coquettish wink at the Brittfar Cam because Brittfar must be accepting of all the Brittfar love that the media must lavish reflexively on Brittfar

4. Joe Flacco’s triple salchow into a sack. The Steelers judge gives it a 2.0.

5. St. Louis trickeration to defeat the Detroit Lions in order to avoid becoming the next Detroit Lions.

No, seriously. Don’t call it that. The KSK podcast returns with a whimper as PUNTE and Brandon from Ramblings of the Unmotivated (and now Gunaxin) run down the cancellation of Sunday Night Football, discuss the joys of getting drunk with a clown in Vegas, and the latest spreads for Week 8 action in the NFL. And if that wasn’t enough of a trainwreck, the duo FINALLY air the “lost” interview with Jay Busbee of Yahoo!’s Devil Ball Golf and From The Marbles (NASCAR) blogs. Christmas Ape joins the interview via phone as well. It’s the most soothing train wreck to which you’ll ever have the pleasure of listening. This marathon return checks in at about 2 hours and change, making it roughly two hours too long. Minor Audio Fluctuations early. This podcast is a real bear at 122 minutes, but we start with the picks in the first half hour. Recorded Wednesday.

Episode 20* of HOUSE OF PUNTE: The KSK Podcast. PUNTE, Brandon, Christmas Ape, and Jay Busbee.

* Not really 20th episode

Last year, the Lions set the benchmark for failure to which all future failures will be compared, at least until the NFL expands its schedule to 18 games and some woebegone franchise (Redskins?) finds a way to lose that many games in a season. This year, the Rams look every bit as bad – possibly even worse – than that Detroit team from a year ago. Other than a matchup at currently winless Tennessee later in the season, this Sunday represents the Rams’ best chance at getting in the win column, seeing as how six of their final eight games pit them against teams with a .500 or better record. As fate would have it, it’s the Lions who could be the guardians of another epic NFL fail. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Rams____________________2008 Detroit Lions

Point differential through seven games

-151_________________________________-98

Number of times shutout

Twice_______________________________Zero

Is there an inconvenient crisis among the prominent industry in town that will lead to innumerable painful bailout jokes associated with the team’s horrid play?

Thankfully not (but they’d still like jobs)______________Oooohhhhh yeah

Are they responsible for Nelly or Kid Rock?

Nelly_____________________________Kid Rock

Pictoral approximation of failure

Medical failure analog

Kidney failure________________________Rectal prolapse

Meager redeeming quality

Avoided Rush Limbaugh as owner (through no fault of their own)______Suckered Dallas into paying big for Roy Williams

Finishing move

Laying down and dying quietly (on top of an animal)_________________Necrophilia fodder

Dan Snyder: Greetings, subjects. Welcome to the Bi-Weekly Officially Licensed Redskins Leadership Communique, sponsored by Freecreditreport.com.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Have the Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Rations been to your liking?

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: That is welcome news. Some of my advisers cautioned that downgrading to Grade Q meats would cause undue food poisoning. So I had their voice boxes removed.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: First item: Non-Designated Color Attire is hereby banned from all Officially Licensed Public Redskins Outdoor Settings. Failure to act in compliance with this regulation – one that has always been in place despite what you may have heard or experienced previously – will result in penalty of death. Retroactive violations of this always existing rule – those will result in death. Those who do not report observing others trying to violate this rule – death!

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Second item: All persons currently using Officially Authenticated Redskins Transport Modules to their place of work must pay a Personal Occupancy Fee for each minute waiting at the pick-up station. If the module arrives later than its scheduled time, you will be charged double for those minutes. If the module is at full capacity upon arrival, you will shot to prevent overflow.

Crowd: HAIL!

Dan Snyder: Third item: Any person found with legal tender that is not Officially Issued Redskins GaryClarkdollars shall be forced into a lifetime of vending Miller Lites in the FedEx Field restrooms.

Redskins Fan #35601: But you’ve taken all our money already anyway.

Crowd: [Stunned silence]

Dan Snyder: SEIZE HIM!

Dan Snyder: Because of your impudence, this week’s Officially Redskins Branded Harris Teeter Meal Ration will only include TWO leaflets promoting Eastern Motors. End communication.

Crowd: HAIL!