THIS FACKIN GREEK FAKE-HISPANIC BITCH IS RAWPONSIBLE FAH ALL OW-AH SAWFFERING! That’s right, everybody. Put down all the statistical analyses proving that Belichick did actually make the correct decision by trying to convert the 4th and 2. Turns out, the Patriots were fated to lose anyway, because Access Hollywood host and Boston native Maria Menounos Tweeted that the Pats were going to win before the game was actually over. DIDN’T LITTLE BILLY SIMMONS EVAH TEACH THIS FAKE MEXICUNT ABOWT THE POWAH OF THE JINX? WE SHOULD REVOKE HEH BAHSTON CITIZENSHIP! SHE’S NAWT IN THE BROTHAHOOD ANY MO-AH!

I cry for this couple’s future children. Hell, I weep for all of us. Thank goodness we’re all gonna be wiped clean from the Earth in 2012. Because, really, once you see a bald, schlubby white groom do the spastic Ray Lewis “dance” to greet friends and family with his Flacco jersey adorned bride at their wedding reception, you know there’s no reason for us to wasting God’s splendors.

Besides a shocking paucity of purple camo, I did notice that this is a crowd appreciative of mediocrity (guess they have to be), as you can spot two people in Mark Clayton jerseys and another in a Sam Koch. No Kyle Boller for the estranged in-law everyone hates?

Careful about watching past the two-minute mark. It gets a little tender. [stifles tear]

Poor young saps. They never had a chance. At least once they get divorced, you know they’ll just blame the refs.

[Thanks to reader Alex for the tip]

Donovan McNabb: Damn, man. You couldn’t have waited one more week to get your form back? What got into you?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Wife got pregnant.

Donovan McNabb: How does that work?

LaDainian Tomlinson: sexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsexsex

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Egg fertilized.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Cells divide.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Pee on stick.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Positive test.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Surprise in my locker.

Donovan McNabb: And then?

LaDainian Tomlinson: Two touchdowns.

Donovan McNabb: Wow, that’s crazy. I gotta try that sometime.

(more…)

Or, alternatively: X MARKS THE RAPIST.

Yes, that’s Shawne Merriman with the logo for something called POWERADE ION4 shaved into the side of his head, because who wants Brent Celek to get away with being the biggest guerrilla marketing whore in the NFL? Puhlease. Who’s he ever forced himself on? I mean, besides my mom.

All you future sexual assailants out there better get with this Powerade stuff, especially now that they’re outlawing Joose (the bastards). It promises revitalized, angry sperm.

Everyone got so swept up in Patriots chokery, it’s like they forgot all about Steelers schadenfreude. Yesterday the Bengals essentially locked up the AFC North by completing a sweep of the Steelers thanks to getting one of those unglamorous tough slog victories that the Steelers are notorious for boring people with. Punte would have a celebratory rant but he’s more quiet about his homerism, which is why he’s a stand-up good egg kind of fellow, and not a raving jackass like myself. Suffice it to say, today I am a sad Steeler fag. And sideways-camera-holding fat guy who wears Oakleys on overcast days clearly did tell us Steeler fags that he would do something crazy this week if Cincy won, like burn a towel or submit a job application. I’d probably be upset if I didn’t do this myself three months ago.

Maybe we’ll be treated to a Saints-Bengals Super Bowl, so Who Deys and Who Dats can get together and finally get some long-awaited answers.

BOLD SUPER BOWL PREDICTION

Dats 30
Deys 23

Sorry, Deys.

/braces for annoying fellow Steelers fans who will claim that this guy just cursed Cincinnati or cursed himself or cursed roads and also cursed fire and placed a low calorie curse on Miller Lite for daring to desecrate a Terrible Towel.

GIVE US THE RAINBOW OF YOUR ZIPPER FETISH! YOU WILL LIGHT THE FIELD ON FFFFIIIIIAAAAAAHHHH

The epic Bill Belichick-Jim Caldwell blood feud is renewed in this, a contest bound to be sorely lacking in superlatives about the quarterbacks involved. But there are so many other intriguing storylines aside from the obvious QB comparison. Is it Laurence Maroney or is it Joseph Addai who is more generally useless? Can Austin Collie’s grittiness unseat Welkah’s on this grand primetime stage? Will Caldwell ever forgive Dwight Freeney for not employing his many spins as a running back at Wake Forest? Why won’t we ever give the Meast to Peyton?

These questions and more will be quickly brushed aside in favor of dick jokes, soft porn and making light of the reinforced stereotypes in that “Precious” movie.

In retrospect, it’s really sad we didn’t have a liveblog of last night’s game. Yes, it was one of those grinding low scoring affairs that people who fetishize offense always complain about. But then there were also FIVE CUTLERF*CKER SULKERCEPTIONS! TWO IN THE ENDZONE! A VERITABLE BONANZA OF KKAKE-INFUSED SCHADENFREUDE! And it’s doubly disappointing because we are absolutely committed to not touching the abortion that is the Ravens and the Browns on Monday night (sorry, but we do it out of compassion for our regulars, so they need not feel compelled to tune in) so it looks like we’re on for Carolina and Miami next Thursday. Wait, that’s no good either. I’m not dealing with a third live blog with 50,000 Wildcat jokes in 10 weeks. Screw it, we’ll just do BradyManningfest on Sunday night. Book it.

This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

Chris Johnson is your lion-maned Meast after shredding the 49ers defense for 135 yards and two scores. Add to that the fact that he had another 80-yard TD nullified by penalty after it was ruled he stepped out of bounds, and that’s a textbook Meastian performance. We almost gave it to him the other week after his “getting-away-from-the-cops speed” game, but opted to shock the world with Ted Ginn instead. Gus Johnson was later forced to apologize for that remark (he defended the call by saying people of all races run from the police, which is true, BUT ONLY BLACK PEOPLE GET AWAY!), which is about as stupid as Muslim groups having to apologize for the Fort Hood shooting. But people are stupid and expect these things, I guess. Anyway, if Johnson were on any less putrid of a team, he’d probably be in the thick of the MVP race. He’s on pace to run for close to 2,000 yards and is averaging an insane 6.7 yards per carry. That’s more than the Redskins gain most weeks.

Your Least this week is Champ Bailey, who’s often wrongly still referred to as the best cover corner in the NFL, even though it’s been a few years since that’s actually been the case. Sorry, Champ, Darrelle Revis and Nnamdi Asomugha done took yo shit. After the Broncos secondary was fluffed for the entire first half of last night’s game, Bailey was routinely torched by Santonio Holmes in the second. He then capped the night by letting a small dirty playing Asian guy jump over him into the endzone for some piling-on points. We also considered Andy Reid and DeAngelo Hall this week, but then we know they’ll be back for more suckling at the teat of suck in no time at all.