-Former high school wrestling champion Chris Cooley got the best of fellow Redskins tight end Fred Davis in a best of three falls wrestling match after the team’s players-only workout. Not a bad match, but it could have used a flying elbow drop or two. [Sports Buzz via Captial Games]

-Tiki Barber describes his time hiding out from the media in his (Jewish) agent’s attic as “like a reverse Anne Frank thing.” Peter King visited the house in question and reported back that it “lacked context.” Kind of like his reporting on Cam Newton at the Combine. [Deadspin]

-In other Jew-related news, Chicago fans have been quick to embrace Gabe Carimi. They’ve already dubbed the rookie tackle “Bear Jew” (via Basterds). That explains why Olin Kreutz wears his helmet everywhere he goes these days. [PFT]

Note: Ape points out that we have already bestowed the Bear Jew moniker on Julian Edelman. Ours makes more sense because Eli Roth talks just like Tommy in the bat scene.

-In non-Jewish news, Rush Limbaugh brought up the Vikings stadium issue during an interview with Tim Pawlenty. The former governor, who apparently refers to himself as “T-Paw,” turned the question back on his host.

Rush Limbaugh: “I know you’re not in the statehouse any longer, but there’s an issue roiling the state right now and that’s the Vikings and their new stadium and how much of it should be publicly financed. The usual threats are being made: If the public doesn’t chip in and build a new stadium the Vikings are gone. They’ll move to LA or someplace.”

Tim Pawlenty: The rumor is you’re gonna buy ‘em and move ‘em. Is that true?

RL: (laughing) “Well, uh, this interview is about you.” (laughing)

It’s almost as if Rush’s original question was a set-up to steer the conversation back to his own quest for NFL ownership. Way to play along, T-Paw.

But don’t worry, Drew. It’ll never happen. POSSIBLY. [ESPN]

If you know anything about us, you knew this was inevitable. The only thing that could have made it better is if they got audio of Favre snarling like a pig.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE

PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE

SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH

Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben

Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN! BUT I AM SUPERSTAR WRESTLE-GRAPPLER GUY, BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR DOES NOT KNOW OF FEAR OR BAD IDEAS OR HOT READS WHEN THE BLITZ IS COMING

Mike Tomlin: Everyone knows that “is an assumed identity” and that “you are really Ben Roethlisberger”

Ben Mysterio Jr.: [Slightly lower voice] NOT SO LOUD! YOU IS BLOWING THE BEN’S COVER, COACH.

Mike Tomlin: Remember, we have “lost our last two games” and face “a difficult opponent on Sunday.” Losing this game could “endanger our season.”

Furthermore, the “last thing” we need is “another pointless distraction”.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: DANGER? WHAT IS DANGER OF WHICH YOU IS TALKING?

THERE IS NO DANGER WHEN BEN IS ACCOMPANIED BY TAG TEAM BUDDY MAN, LIMAS GREED!

HE IS FORMER BAD GUY, ONCE ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY, BUT BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR TALK TO HIM AND CONVINCE HIM TO TURN FACE

TOGETHER WE IS THE PEW CREW!

YOU TELL HIM, LIMAS GREED!

Limas Greed: [Drops microphone, fakes injury]

HE NOT GOOD ON THE MIC, BUT VERY PROFICIENT TECHNICAL WRASSLER

TOGETHER, WE HAVE AWESOME FINISHER. I PUMP FAKE 18 TIMES, THROW WRASSLER AT HIM, HE MISSES WRASSLER AND WRASSLER CRASHES INTO EXPOSED CONCRETE FLOOR

THEN A QUICK COVER 1,2…

[Processes]

[Processes]

[Processes]

NUMBER AFTER 2! BELL RING! THE PEW CREW WIN AGAIN! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDDDD!

Mike Tomlin: Don’t think I won’t replace your goofy white ass with “Dennis Dixon”

Matt Millen, whom sinister forces have once again installed in an NFL announcing booth (even if it craptastic NFL Network), is claiming he’s being unfairly scapegoated for the myriad foul-ups he oversaw as general manager of the Lions. Y’know, all the ones that are completely and without question his fault.

“I don’t go backwards,” Millen said. “I just don’t think like that. There’s nothing I can do about [Detroit]. All I can do is from here on out. I understand. In Detroit, they need a bad guy. I was a bad guy. I was to blame for the fall of the auto industry and the housing market. Somehow, I had something to do with [Detroit mayor] Kwame Kilpatrick [resigning], although I’m not sure what. But that’s what happens when you lose in this game. You give everyone a cheap and easy story to jump on.”

And nobody messes with the bad guy, eh chico. You little cockaroach. Not when he oozes so much machismo. All these pinche pendejos in the NFL, they want a piece of the bad guy. I’m the main mang. Hey, booth attendant, look after my mashismo. Something happens to it, something gonna happen to you.

Thanks again inimitable LSUfreek.

I tried watching Monday Night RAW this week and I couldn’t get through a half hour of the thing. I stopped watching wrestling after high school and it certainly wasn’t because I did any growing up. Wrasslin’ got shitty in a hurry when Vince McMahon bought everybody out. But we recall the good days fondly, so we did a draft of which wrestler we’d most like to be.

The rules, according to Punte: “You are drafting a professional wrestler to emulate in the ring, as well as in life. Your selection must be involved or have been involved in a relatively prominent nationwide wrestling promotion. No more than one incarnation of the same wrestler may be selected (eg: you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both, and once one is gone, so is the other).”

There goes my Kane/Fake Diesel/Issac Yankem, DDS, sweep!

The line-up, snake-order as always.

1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Flub
4. Drew
5. PUNTE

Ufford abstained, claiming that he’s always hated pro wrestling, so we gave him John Cena because of his tour de force performance in The Marine.

JUST RING THE DAMN BELL ALREADY!

1. Unsilent Majority — Bret Hart

“The Excellence of Execution was always my favorite back in the day, even if he gave his glasses to that shit-eating kid sitting a couple of seats down. He’s the best technical wrestler ever, and he made hating Vince McMahon cool long before Stone Cold’s arrival. Plus I’m a total sucker for a man in pink. RAWR!”

flubby: “Terrible pick. You can’t be the best of all time if you spent most of your career as a tag team wrestler… russian leg sweep, elbow off second rope, sharpshooter zzzzzzzzz”

Maj: “You have no class, go watch the Montreal Screwjob again.”

flubby: “McMahon had to do that because Hart refused to lose a fake fight in his home country… not his hometown mind you, his home country.”

Maj: “McMahon screwed Hart because he was going to leave for WCW. As for spending “most of his career” as a tag team wrestler, he won the heavyweight title five times.”

Maj: “I haven’t felt like this big a nerd in a VERY long time.”

2. Christmas Ape — Mick Foley

“Wanted to take The Rock or Hogan here for the crossover celebrity possibilities, but Mick wins for being a legitimately cool guy with an amazing legacy and backstory. Plus, Hogan is a boring-as-fuck wrestler, whereas Foley will give you a couple amazing falls in any given match. And the Hell in the Cell at King of the Ring 1998 is one of my favorite matches ever. Also, he’s written a few bestsellers, which helps on the money/respectability end.”

3. flubby — Ric Flair

“Best talker, best in the ring, best gimmick. Flair wasn’t just a star himself, but he could turn bums like Sting and Lex Luger into stars…. whereas Brett Hart had a brief run as WWE champ when the company was in the crapper, Flair carried an entire confederacy of wrestling organizations on his back for the better part of two decades…”

Maj: “Sting’s a bum? Maybe you just hate the sharp-shooter.”

flubby: “He’s the fucking worst.”

Punte: “Seriously, anybody that was in WCW that was worth a shit wound up in WWE at some point.”

Maj: “I mean I certainly don’t have him at the top of my list, but that’s harsh.”

flubby: “Brett Hart is good, I just think you’ve rated him too highly. Sting on the other hand is just boring. Here’s every Sting storyline ever: can Sting trust this guy? Answer: No.”

4. Big Daddy Cool DieselDrew — Macho Man Randy Savage

“Loved his nickname. Loved his entrance. Loved his voice. And when he won the WWF title in that tourney way back, he spontaneously won the crowd over despite being a wife beater.

I love the guy.”

It’s true. Drew was deeply offended when Macho Man was left off this list from last month.

True story: I only knew of Pomp & Circumstance as Macho Man’s theme until I was 15. I was a dumb kid.

5. Monday Morning Punter — The Undertaker

“The guy’s been around forever. He’s an amazing athlete for his size, coupled with a gimmick that fans love almost as much as insiders claim it might have hindered his career. But when the lights in the arena went out and you heard the big bell ring, he lived up to the hype. He took the character created for him and, like so many of his opponents, made it bend to his will.”

Round 2

6. Monday Morning Punter — Hulk Hogan

“Technically dreadful, stylistically uninspired, and bald. But he was the flint that helped spark America’s wrestling craze in the 1980s. To date he’s the only wrestler that has made the cover of Sports Illustrated. He’s the reason we’re having this stupid draft to begin with, because without the Hulkster and his performance-enhanced pythons, we would have bought a lot more LEGOs.”

7. Drew — Ricky Steamboat

“Try fucking with this alligator, BITCH”

8. flubby — Abdullah the Butcher

“How great is it to be Abdullah? He’s remained a fixture in the business for decades even though he doesn’t do interviews and doesn’t even stay in shape. Actually, he doesn’t even actually wrestle at all. He usual waddles to the ring, where he stands flat footed and gasping for breath until he starts gouging his opponent with a dinner fork for about ten minutes, then he call it a night. The guy is in his 70′s and weights over 400 pounds, he shouldn’t be outside of Dick Gregory’s eyesight let alone still wrestling. I went to his bbq/soul food restaurant in Atlanta once. Unfortunately, Abdullah was on road. But I made sure to steal a fork.”

9. Ape — The Rock

“Nonpareil mic skills, the most crossover fame of any wrestler who isn’t Hogan while being an actually respectable movie actor and he’s good in the ring. Also, he played defensive tackle for The U on a national championship team, which gives him at least some relevance to this site.”

10. Maj — “Superfly” Jimmy Snuka

“One of the original high flyers, he was always one of the most entertaining guys in the (fake) sport. ”

Round 3

11. Maj — Rey Mysterio Jr.

“Just pure fucking awesomeness. He can do just about anything you can imagine in and out of the ring, he’s not a roided up freak-show, and he’s had a long and diverse career. Shit, he was a part of Master P’s No Limit Soldiers and the Filthy Animals.”

12. Ape — Chris Jericho

“Brother just knows how to punch a bitch.”

/waits for Punter to take Chris Benoit

13. flubby — “The Million Dollar Man” Ted DiBiase.

“Maybe the greatest heel in WWF/WWE history.”

14. Drew — Jesse “The Body” Ventura

Not much in the ring. But he was a wizard with the mic, and I loved him when he broadcast with Gorilla Monsoon.

“I don’t trust that Chico Santana, Gorilla.”
“It’s Tito.”
“Looks like a Chico to me.”
“Oh, WILL YOU STOP?”

Plus I get to make two of the best Arnold flicks ever, AND I can run the state of Minnesota and retroactively get the Vikes that Anoka stadium deal.

15. Punte

“And with the last pick, I select–

[PA System blares Party Pit by The Hold Steady]

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE! THAT’S MATT UFFORD’S MUSIC!”