BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR MUST PREPARE

PLAY HOSTMAN TO WEEKNIGHT WRESTLEFEST RAW IS WARZONE

SPEND ALL DAY AND NIGHT PERFECTING DEVASTING PUMP FAKE OF DEATH

Mike Tomlin: I think that’s “a bad idea”, Ben

Ben Mysterio Jr.: MAYBE IF YOU IS SUPERSTAR QUARTERBACK GUY, THE BEN! BUT I AM SUPERSTAR WRESTLE-GRAPPLER GUY, BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR.

BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR DOES NOT KNOW OF FEAR OR BAD IDEAS OR HOT READS WHEN THE BLITZ IS COMING

Mike Tomlin: Everyone knows that “is an assumed identity” and that “you are really Ben Roethlisberger”

Ben Mysterio Jr.: [Slightly lower voice] NOT SO LOUD! YOU IS BLOWING THE BEN’S COVER, COACH.

Mike Tomlin: Remember, we have “lost our last two games” and face “a difficult opponent on Sunday.” Losing this game could “endanger our season.”

Furthermore, the “last thing” we need is “another pointless distraction”.

Ben Mysterio Jr.: DANGER? WHAT IS DANGER OF WHICH YOU IS TALKING?

THERE IS NO DANGER WHEN BEN IS ACCOMPANIED BY TAG TEAM BUDDY MAN, LIMAS GREED!

HE IS FORMER BAD GUY, ONCE ONLY INTERESTED IN MONEY, BUT BEN MYSTERIO JUNIOR TALK TO HIM AND CONVINCE HIM TO TURN FACE

TOGETHER WE IS THE PEW CREW!

YOU TELL HIM, LIMAS GREED!

Limas Greed: [Drops microphone, fakes injury]

HE NOT GOOD ON THE MIC, BUT VERY PROFICIENT TECHNICAL WRASSLER

TOGETHER, WE HAVE AWESOME FINISHER. I PUMP FAKE 18 TIMES, THROW WRASSLER AT HIM, HE MISSES WRASSLER AND WRASSLER CRASHES INTO EXPOSED CONCRETE FLOOR

THEN A QUICK COVER 1,2…

[Processes]

[Processes]

[Processes]

NUMBER AFTER 2! BELL RING! THE PEW CREW WIN AGAIN! TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WOOOOOOORRRRRLLLLLLDDDD!

Mike Tomlin: Don’t think I won’t replace your goofy white ass with “Dennis Dixon”

Matt Millen, whom sinister forces have once again installed in an NFL announcing booth (even if it craptastic NFL Network), is claiming he’s being unfairly scapegoated for the myriad foul-ups he oversaw as general manager of the Lions. Y’know, all the ones that are completely and without question his fault.

“I don’t go backwards,” Millen said. “I just don’t think like that. There’s nothing I can do about [Detroit]. All I can do is from here on out. I understand. In Detroit, they need a bad guy. I was a bad guy. I was to blame for the fall of the auto industry and the housing market. Somehow, I had something to do with [Detroit mayor] Kwame Kilpatrick [resigning], although I’m not sure what. But that’s what happens when you lose in this game. You give everyone a cheap and easy story to jump on.”

And nobody messes with the bad guy, eh chico. You little cockaroach. Not when he oozes so much machismo. All these pinche pendejos in the NFL, they want a piece of the bad guy. I’m the main mang. Hey, booth attendant, look after my mashismo. Something happens to it, something gonna happen to you.

Thanks again inimitable LSUfreek.

I tried watching Monday Night RAW this week and I couldn’t get through a half hour of the thing. I stopped watching wrestling after high school and it certainly wasn’t because I did any growing up. Wrasslin’ got shitty in a hurry when Vince McMahon bought everybody out. But we recall the good days fondly, so we did a draft of which wrestler we’d most like to be.

The rules, according to Punte: “You are drafting a professional wrestler to emulate in the ring, as well as in life. Your selection must be involved or have been involved in a relatively prominent nationwide wrestling promotion. No more than one incarnation of the same wrestler may be selected (eg: you can draft Terry Taylor, or the Red Rooster, but not both, and once one is gone, so is the other).”

There goes my Kane/Fake Diesel/Issac Yankem, DDS, sweep!

The line-up, snake-order as always.

1. Maj
2. Ape
3. Flub
4. Drew
5. PUNTE

Ufford abstained, claiming that he’s always hated pro wrestling, so we gave him John Cena because of his tour de force performance in The Marine.

JUST RING THE DAMN BELL ALREADY!
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