“Okay, Eli, I’m on your side here. We’re gonna get you what you want. Now just turn the ball over, Eli. TURN THE BALL OVER!”

Jim Sorgi going to injured reserve in the preseason might have been thought to be an unfortunate development for the Giants at the time, but his replacement at backup QB, Sage Rosenfels, brings much needed crisis management skills to a team wholly unprepared for when the two Steve Smiths decide to consolidate their power and begin taking hostages.

Steve Smith, Carolina: IMMA PUNCH THEM HOSTAGES YOU DON’T GIMME ME THAT MONEY THAT’S RULES AND REGGALATIONS OF THE GAME, WHICH IS 89.

Steve Smith, New York: He’s serious. I can’t stop him. I think he’s crazy. He’s losing it. You better pay. Just pay. I can’t stop him.

Sage Rosenfels: No one’s getting punched today, guys. We’re all reasonable people. No one likes seeing people get punched. If you punch those people, you’re never gonna get what you want.

Steve Smith, Carolina: FUGGIT I GOT CASH ALREADY. SOMEONE GOT TO GET PUNCHED IN HERE.

[Muffled screams]

Sage Rosenfels: Steve. STEVE! Did you punch someone, Steve Smith? ANSWER ME!

Steve Smith, New York: He punched that baby. I can’t believe he punched that baby.

Sage Rosenfels: [presses walkie-talkie to forehead]

UNRELATED WHORING ALERT: Be sure to check out the first installment of my weekly NFL column, The Designed Rush, over at its new home at SB Nation.

EVEN MORE OVERLONG COLUMNS ABOUT FOOTBALL! Today saw the debut of “The Designed Rush“, my weekly NFL column at The Sporting Blog, which will run each Tuesday. And while I get to beat Drew to “press” each week (only because Mrs. Drew takes until Wednesday to get around to cleaning the caked-on bacon paste off her husband’s typing wand) he gets to do things like Nazi Shark at Deadspin (who, by the way, just adored this video). Me? At the more stodgy TSB, I can only get away with the Khmer Rouge Raptors* (Asian and a raptor! Double the evil genius! Also works in packs! For cheap!).

Also, a reminder that my D.C. reception and reading for my book is at 18th Amendment on Capitol Hill from 5:30-7:30 p.m. on Thursday. The reading will be closer to 7, so don’t feel obligated to show up early and awkwardly hang around with me and my friends and family. Afterward, we’ll head three blocks down the street to watch the season opener.

*May not actually exist

APE RETURNS TO DISCREDIT WAPO SOME MORE! Who says you can’t go home again? Answer: It was Tom Wolfe and he was right. But he never said you couldn’t briefly return to be the subject of a guest post in a home that you were unfairly ejected from! In advance of the Steelers-’Skins preseason game Saturday in Raljon, Dan Steinberg quizzes me on the differences between Redskins and Stillers fans. And, man, there are so many. ‘Cause Steelers fans chant like this [does obnoxious chant] but Redskins fans chant like this [does slightly different obnoxious chant]. Also, we don’t have to hate our owner. Advantage: Picksburgh!

D.C. SOCCER MOMS GET INURED TO SEEDY SUBCULTURE OF ONLINE SPORTS-RELATED DICK JOKERY! Drew and I are included in a feature titled “*&#S@% Dan Snyder!” (I believe the word being censored is “Harpoonfu¢k”) in the latest issue of Washingtonian. If you look closely, you can see two Metro trains colliding somewhere in the masthead. Drew kind of dominates the piece, as Drew is given to doing, while I get a few paragraphs recounting that old blog fable about being the guy who got fired by some failing newspaper (another chance for professional old biddy Deborah Howell to call me a sexist, racist, ageist, baby-eating computer Nazi). Buy it for the blog condescension, keep it for the recommendations on the five best bikram yoga places in the Palisades (the answer may surprise you).

THIS WEEKEND IN SELF-PROMOTION: I took off my dick joke hat and participated in a discussion about feminism and Slate’s Double X magazine over at Gawker.  It was positively terrifying, but I think I escaped relatively unscathed.  Read part 1 here, part 2 here.

Unrelated side note: cheers to Theotis Jones for the best #followfriday tweet ever.

Why so few Captain Caveman posts recently?  For starters, I’m lazy.  But I’ve also been busy getting the new digs up and running.  Check out your new favorite TV blog.  Tell all your friends, and stop being friends with them if they don’t check it every day.  [Warming Glow]