God’s Linebacker Vs. Dog’s Linebacker. WHO YA GOT?

10.17.08 Written by Christmas Ape

Two of the NFL’s most demonstrative and demonstrably crazy linebackers renew their formerly twice-a-year rivalry as a pair of 2-3 teams look to get back to .500. Will there even be a football game or a protracted dance-off after each one jumps on a tackle after it’s already been made? Are the two as loud as they are overrated? Is that even remotely possible? Either way, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Ray Lewis_______________Joey Porter

Would like you to

Fix your recollection of events that place him at the scene of the crime____________FIX YO MOUF

Fails to convince fans

Of his bullshit religious conversion__________That the refs always fuck him

Kills

Humans__________________Miniature horses

Just ’cause

Where was he when Joey Porter was shot?

Shooting Joey Porter______________Getting shot by Ray Lewis

Irritates me less now because

With Keon Lattimore gone from UMD, stops showing up at games_____No longer a Steeler, don’t have to apologize for him

Finishing move

Who know how Dexter kills people? Like that, only with more dancing________GETTING RESPECT!

19 Comments TAGS: , , ,

The Moose and the Marmalard: WHO YA GOT?

10.10.08 Written by Christmas Ape

The once-awaited rematch of the five-interception tour de felch that was last year’s AFC Championship Game has paled a touch in the past month, given the usual early-season stumblings of the Chargers and Bernard Pollard’s neutering of the Patriots, still manages to be one of the more exciting games of the week. Cassel represents a wholly douchey team while Rivers represents most of the doucheiness within his own squad. It’s a contrast in styles, but hopefully a still-watchable game. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Matt Cassel____________________Philip Rivers

Nickname

Moose_______________Marmalard, Laserface

How you know he has AIDS

Proximity to Leinart and Brady______________Raped by Merriman

Play marked by

Staring down receivers______________Beating punters on hang time

Needs to utilize

Quitting Randy Moss________Useless LaKneeInjury who can’t get in from the oneMy Tiny Darren

Will either save Indy?

Courted his wife with

Rousing rendition of “I Want It That Way”________________All that sexy abstinence

Favored insult

Moosetard__________________Cutlerfucker

Finishing move

Red Sox distract baseball town from football team they already gave up on____Can still blame it on Norv

27 Comments TAGS: , , ,

A Study in Batsh-t Receivers: O.C. vs. T.O. WHO YA GOT?

10.03.08 Written by Christmas Ape



Two of the receivers most given to spouting the utmost in dipshittery the past week face off in what no doubt will be a lop-sided Cowboys win. But will any ground be gained in the eternal struggle for bragging rights in receiveral lunacy? Probably not. But it’ll be quite the show. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Chad Javon Ocho Cinco_____________Terrell Eldorado Owens

What His Team Needs More Of, According to Him

Drugs, Arrests____________________T.O.

Wants to Kiss

Star on Cowboys’ field_________________Starfish from Cowboys’ field goal team

At least knows better than to

Hate on the matron saint__________Cross Sheshawn instead of Sean Young

What’s Your Bean Situation?

You Got Some Beans On You?______________Or What’s Up?

Gets hung up on

Floating bacon____________Popcorn stuck in teeth; teeth stuck in Romo’s ass

Has Trouble Getting Rid Of

Chad Johnson Jerseys_______________iCatch shirts

Finishing Move

Pining for a career in Dallas__________Fucking Dallas’ title chances (T.O.)

14 Comments TAGS: ,

Meeting of the Mossbacks: Gunslinger vs. Warner. WHO YA GOT?

09.26.08 Written by Christmas Ape

Once teammates eons ago, Brett Favre and Kurt Warner will face off Sunday in what some wags are dubbing the Geriatric Bowl. Hey, way to be ageist, guys. Old people can do stuff. For instance, they’re bankrupting the country with Social Security! And they’re good at Wii Fit! Which superannuated quarterback can strike a blow for seniors’ rights? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Brett Favre___________________Kurt Warner

Age

38___________________37

Older Than

Dirt_______________The Hills (actual hills, not the show)

What do you, uh, people like?

How do they stay young?

The dreadmill______________praying to fetus Jesus

Chant

Go, Pack, Go J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS____________Gregorian

Remembers a time when

Women knew their place__________Christians could crusade with impunity

Finishing move

Re-retiring__________________Re-rapturing

28 Comments TAGS: , ,

Abortion Fuel: Matty Ice vs. Tyler Thigpen. WHO YA GOT?

09.19.08 Written by Christmas Ape

When I first looked over the schedule a couple months ago, this game stuck out as being the most lackluster of the entire season. And, now that Kansas City has announced its going with Tyler Thigpen as their starter, it’s gotten even lackluster…er. Surely, one could posit a decent argument that the Rams and the Koren Robinson/Keary Colbert-led Seahawks could be just as dismal an affair this week, I’m sticking to my guns and breaking down the matchup that just might make you reassess this funny little obsession you have with breathing.


Contestants

Matt Ryan_______________Tyler Thigpen

College

Boston College___________Coastal Carolina

Shame

Lost to Maryland senior year__________Bad enough to be released by the Vikings

Name Evokes

A Tom Clancy protagonist_________I don’t know. Yancey Thigpen? Bobby Thigpen?

Nagging Questions

Can he ever replace Mike Vick?_________You mean other than “why is there a skeleton on his dick?”

Favorite Music

“Coldplay and Goo Goo Dolls, some Dave Matthews, and a little bit of rap.“_____”Skeletons of Society”

Explained By

Punter______________________Osteologist

How You Know He’s Lame?

I mean, fuck, look at him________________Middle name is Beckham

Finishing Move

ATLians still dislike him______________Doesn’t finish game

20 Comments TAGS: , ,

18-Year-Old Pats Cheerleader Becca vs. Jenn Sterger. WHO YA GOT?

09.12.08 Written by Christmas Ape

NFL analysts were denied the geyser of man-love they were going to let loose with the first of the now forestalled Brady-Favre showdowns to take place this Sunday. Instead, they’re dealt the slightly less epic Cassel-Favraro contest. Luckily, we at KSK were able to find more compelling matchups: those on the sidelines. No, not fucking Belichick and Mangini – no one cares whether they shake their shit-encrusted hands after the game. We’re talking the gratuitous eye candy!

Contestants

Rebecca Lucas____________________Jenn Sterger

Age

18 years old____________________24 years old

Age of breasts

18 years_____________________4 years

Extent of Education

High school______________Florida State grad, so… middle school

Creepy stalker

Tawmmy from Quincy________________Brent Musburger

Favorite player on team

Tom Brady (sad trombone sound)_______________Whichever one ponys up for the abortion

Represents fanbase because

She’s white_____________________She’s swimming with disease

Judging from the picture, she supports

Barack Obama_________________Brown neckties

Finishing move

Getting married so she’s alluring to Belichick___________Writing a horrible Jets preview on Deadspin

58 Comments TAGS: , ,

Rugged Doe-Eyed Peach-Fuzzed Elisha vs. The Zorn Star. WHO YA GOT?

09.04.08 Written by Christmas Ape

Contestants

Eli Manning_________________________________Jim Zorn

Nickname

“Easy”______________________________________”Who?”

Hobbies

Antiquing, Karaoke, Squash_____________DJing, whitewater kayaking, zamboni driving, pottery making, mountain climbing

Led The NFL In Interceptions

Last year (tie)________________________________1976

Will Never Live Up To

Nobody! He’s the man now!_____Joe Gibbs, even the befuddled version who didn’t know what he was doing

Lucky To Be Rid Of

Jeremy Shockey______________Gregg Williams, Al Saunders

Destined To

Throw another 20 picks this year____________Start Colt Brennan under duress of idiot ‘Skins fans

Finishing Move

Getting back on Giants’ fans badside by Week 6___________Being a stopgap until they hire a real coach

20 Comments TAGS: , , , ,

Mocking the Pats vs. Sex. WHO YA GOT?

02.08.08 Written by Christmas Ape


We’ve sadly come to the final WHO YA GOT? until September and we’re left to wonder what can carry us across the seven-month void of no football. Likely it’s two activities that will never get old: maliciously glorying in the Greatest Choke Job of All-Time (tm 2007 New England Patriots, all rights reserved) or some good old-fashioned fucking, like yo mamma used to make. Which is better? Which will help us more to cope with the offseason? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Laughing at the Patriots______Coitus

Fucked in what sense

Figurative_____Literal, also the butt if you bought dinner

Requires

Ability to point, say “18-1″______Sexual organs, booze

Who can’t do it

Whiny, hypocritical Pats fans__________Dr. Who fans

Downside

Tummy hurts from laughing so much__AIDS, assorted other STDs, children

Has Eli done it?

Yes_________Eli wouldn’t know

Finishing move

Working mocking the Pats into your fucking

18 Comments TAGS: , , , ,

Halftime Opening Song: "Learning to Fly" vs. "American Girl" WHO YA GOT?

02.01.08 Written by Christmas Ape

It’s the duty of all Super Bowl organizers to find long-in-the-tooth, formerly respectable artists and make them play their most anodyne hits for the overexcited nitwits on the field and the bored drunk people at home. That didn’t stop Prince from rocking shit last year, but how will Tom Petty fare? Got something upbeat? That’s going in the playlist. Something about America, or at least has the words “America” or “American” in the title? You beat your hippie ass you’re playing that. But which will be first? WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

“Learning to Fly”_______”American Girl”

Recorded

1991_________1976

Song actually about

Drugs___________Girls from America who enjoy drugs

Length comparison

1.0 = .891

Present day use

Movie trailers__________Car commericials

Allmusic.com pretention

LtF: “It’s pleasant but never really goes anywhere — up or down — but it’s solid”

AG: “Guitarist Mike Campbell reels off a simple solo that develops into a rapid-fire arpeggio as the song makes its quick fade. It’s over before it starts, really — clean, simple, that’s its appeal.”

TV analyst mostly likely to dislike it

Bradshaw, who doesn’t like learning___Joe Buck, who doesn’t like girls

Finishing Move

Hairy nip slip______Playing some shitty single off a new album

22 Comments TAGS: , , ,

Idle Sands: Cactus vs. Tumbleweed. Bye Week Desert Showdown. WHO YA GOT?

01.25.08 Written by Christmas Ape


It’s the first weekend since the summer that’s sans football but that doesn’t mean we don’t have some vicious rivalry that we can occupy ourselves with until the media circus commences next week. All this southwestern indolence is just the thing to make us forget about the mesmeric excitement of the game. Why, I don’t miss it at all…I…just… OHGODINEEDFOOTBALLHELPMEHELPMEHELPMEWHOYAGOT?

Contestants

Saguaro__________Tumbleweed

Football applications

Pylon?_______Fuck. I don’t know. Just give me football.

Kinda like the Super Bowl because

Prickly, like Tom Coughlin__Contains sticks, dirt, animal feces, like Logan Mankins’ beard

Evocative of

Uh, not football________Soccer, in its ability to bore

Provides

Water______Also water. Wait, no. Just sticks.

Can Tom Brady fuck it?

Sure, why not?______Moves too fast for his boot

Can pass for

[Sigh] I don’t know_____BRING ME A WHOPPER FOOTBALL

Finishing move

Sitting there______Best guess: tumbling

26 Comments TAGS: , , , ,

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