Herm Edwards______________Marvin Lewis

What’d He Get His Kid for Christmas?

Lil’ Bastards Choking Kit______________Grenade (pin sold separately)

Will deliver resignation

Attached to flaming arrow_______________Written on bomb (doesn’t detonate)

Shining Achievement with Present Team

One-and-done in playoffs in 2006______One-and-done in playoffs in 2005

Harold Pinter and Eartha Kitt died. Since they come in threes…

Me next!_____________________No, me!

With him gone

That clears the way for more Schottenheimer choking_________Ocho loses a comedy foil

Further degradation

None! He somehow outlasted Carl Peterson________Gets less interesting disrespectful questions than Rod Marinelli

Finishing Move

Seppuku________________Hara-kiri (But still given an extension by Mike Brown afterward)

Steelers/Titans_________________Giants/Panthers

Does It Involve a Fanbase That Has Learned to Hate Plaxico?

Yes__________________________Yes

Key match-up

Jeff Fisher fist pump vs. Tomlin chest bump________Coughlin redface vs. Ken Lucas black eye

What we’re dying to hear

Kerry Collins’ Merle Haggard-like country album_______What Vinny Testaverde told DeAngelo Williams

Coach/Player Facing Former Team

Chris Hope___________________John Fox

Is Spags pumped?

RAWR YOU BET YOUR CANDYASS HE IS!

Is It Better Than Monkey and Sheep Goat?

Finishing Move

LenWhale bathes in the Burger King body spray______THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE STEVE SMITH!

Antonio Bryant_________________Roddy White

Relationship with the media

Badmouthed__________________Ignored

Relationship with Michael Vick

Warm to kinda warm_____________LIKE A HOTHOUSE FLOWER!

Critical mistake

Getting into it with Bill Parcells in Dallas_________Thinking “Roddy” is an upgrade over Sharod

Opposition to idiotic policy

Bucs fans tattling texts___________________Not being able to put furniture on your lawn in Jawja!

Is he actually good?

He had a good game last week!__________________Most definitely

Finishing move

Futilely trying to replicate one-handed catch for girls________Making us look dumb for thinking Matt Ryan was a bust. DAMN YOU!

Warrrrshington_______________________Bawlmer

Mayor for Life

Marion Barry______________________William Donald Schaefer

Olympics Darling From the Suburbs

Dominique Dawes________________________Michael Phelps

Drug Dealer of Legend

Rayful Edmond III_________________________“Little Melvin” Williams

Indigenous musical genre

Go-go_____________________Superviolent club music

Early-life stomping ground for pop culture icon

Dave Chappelle____________________Frank Zappa

Favored Fan Football Jersey of the Dead

Sean Taylor______________________Johnny Unitas (But he’s a Colt!)

Criminal Football Players of Note

Dexter Manley______________________Ray Lewis

Finishing Move

Always overstating their chances of winning on Sundees____Returning to Dundalk after the game

Bored Red Sox fans_____________Steelers fans

Bandwagon established

Six years ago______________1970s

Distinguishing features

Red Sox hat with purposefully worn look, look of unearned accomplishment______Terrible Towel, terrible gut, possible skullet

Epitomized by

Tommy from Quinzee_____________Johnny from Some Other State

Their team winning Sunday?

“NO ONE DENIES THIS”___________”Nice try, jagoff. I ain’t no Anthony Smith”

Favorite player

WELKAH, the Dustin Pedroia of football__________Numbell one smaltest leceivel

Disarming but still kind of annoying YouTube representative based in New York

Fitzy (Coach Omar Epps? That’s gold!)_______________Yinz Luv ‘Da Stillers

Detests above all else

Dahhhhhkies, Yankees______________Bruce Arians, Ravens, Patriots, Ohio

Cranks

Godsmack album__________________Some polka shit

Finishing move

Hijacking truck containing Pats John Lynch jerseys_______Gracelessly taking over road stadia

Eric Mangini__________________LenDale White

Overshadowed, but not completely because they’re big, by:

Bill Belichick__________________Chris Johnson

Thanksgiving favorite

The food!______________________What he said

Eating position

Head of table______________________Wherever the scraps are

FreeDarko Spirit Animal

Paunchy circus bear____________________Exploding whale

Why shouldn’t feed him from the stands

May name child after you________________________Will probably follow you home

How many seats does he get on the plane?

Half of first class_____________________How many are in the cargo hold?

Does he outweigh the team’s center?

Yeah, but not his sister_________________Not with the labor people

Finishing move

The two-hand fried ice cream scoop_____________________Two-yard gain, one calorie loss

Joe Flacco___________________Justin Tuck

Fictional likeness

Bert________________________He-Man

Shorthand description

Waxer of unibrows__________________Destroyer of worlds

Somewhat interesting minutiae

Originally from Jersey____________________Cousin of former Raven Adalius Thomas

How can one avoid the other?

Keep lining up at receiver________________Somehow get blocked by Willie Anderson

Hitch in his game?

Stares down Derrick Mason as if he were a Magic Eye image_______________Kicks too much ass

Finishing Move

Praying that Derrick Mason gets open now…NOW! WHERE IS HE!_________Drawing a bullshit fine only to have it rescinded

H.G. “Buzz” Bissinger________________Andrew “Feltersnatch” Magary

Age

54_______________________3732

Which academy for the superwealthy did they attend?

Phillips Academy_______________Philips Exeter Academy

What he needs to know

That “major” newspapers are as lazy as the crappiest blogger____When to cut down on the cake, fatty

Claim to fame

Pulitzer Prize winner_______Had Pulitzer Prize winner misstate his Internet moniker on pay cable

What really pisses the shit out of them?

The decline of the written word________________”Meh”

Peccadilloes

Fucks horses_________________________Shits onto towels

Hey, did you know Steinz is gonna be there, too?

Someone tell KOGOD_________________Can Drew do a radio show with him?

Finishing move

Charging headlong into obsolescence_______________Popping out another four kids

Santonio Holmes____________Chris Cooley

Hails From

Wherever the good weed at___________Fuck Town

Nickname

San Antonio, according to every fuckwit announcer_________Captain Chaos

Winner of

Genetic lottery________________Team’s fantasy league (almost as good!)

Dick resembles

Tomato can___________________Tomato stem

Who’s on it

I don’t know, but I hope they lubed_________Every Redskins fan

What happens when you point a Desert Eagle at it?

Ben Roethlisberger________________Eli Manning

What kind of man-child is he?

Intellectual________________Emotional

Predisposed to retardery because

From Ohio___________________From the seed of a Manning

Leakage

Cranial_________________Bed

Credits success to

Plaxico Burress, for whatever reason_______His mom, specifically her cooking and spooning technique

DOES HE LIKE WHEN COACH IS COACHING?

Flaws in his game

Holds ball too long, thinks he can shake off any D-lineman____Overthrows even 6′ 5″ receivers

Would prefer it if

His line blocks Justin Tuck___He can retire now. He got his ring. WHAT MORE DO YOU PEOPLE WANT?!

Best when

Outside the pocket_______________Inside a karaoke bar

Likes squash?

“HARF HARF HARF I LIKE WHEN STUFF GO SQUASH”_________”You bet your motherflippin’ life!”

Finishing move

Fires agent for neglecting choco taco clause in big contract_____Blows off undeservedly hot wife for Double Stuf races with Pey-Pey