Yesterday it was announced that Tony Dungy will head the Players Advisory Forum, a group that will serve as a intermediary between players who want to bitch and the league executives who want to ignore them. Already committed to the cause is a religious nut (Kurt Warner), a phony dickbag who conveniently adopted religion to cover for his sordid past (Ray Lewis) and Brian Dawkins (Brian Dawkins).

Now, Dungy has already played guardian angel for Michael Vick. He’s trying to do it again with some college football coach. But what’s his angle? If there’s anything I distrust, it’s a guy with a savior complex. I search for greed and self-interest in the basis for every action. Why? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS GREEDY AND SELF-INTERESTED!

Therefore, I must conclude that Dungy is starting a cult. A big awesome football cult. I bet he’ll call it the Indianapolis Cults (ba-zing?).

Now, I have no problem with cults. One of my uncles is actually in one. Growing up, I’d only see him at holidays, but he seemed a fairly normal and affable guy. As a teenager, I began picking up on the fact that in-laws commented that they never knew where his income came from, and they joked that he was probably a drug dealer (he lives in Miami, which is for drug dealers what D.C. is for lawyers). Then finally when I was about to graduate high school, they dropped the bombshell on me that he joined a cult right after he got out of college. “Who’s the cult leader?” I would ask. At the time he joined, it was some Indian kid who was anointed a deity at birth, which sounds like a pretty sweet deal for the kid. I’m guessing he’s a grown-up deity now. “So what does he do for the cult?” I would press. They didn’t know entirely, but they’d answer, “well, he mostly flies around on The Guru’s jet.”

I know Waco gave cults a bad name, but my uncle got a good arrangement at this benign cult where he would just fly around everywhere on jets and party with crazy cult floozies. My conclusion: CULTS. ARE. AWESOME.

Sadly, I never got in on the lazy floozy banging cult life. Instead, I became a layabout blogger. But this cult sounds like it could work. Add football to the equation, and I want in on the ground floor of Dungy’s football cult. I imagine hating the gays will be a big part of it, which I can’t say I would be crazy about. Me and the gays got no beef. But if they got a sweet jet, then shit, all bets are off, gays. Sorry.

Anyway, this is a roundabout way of me saying Ray Lewis is going against Dungy’s former team this weekend. But Terrell Suggs is out, so even though the Ravens were already boned against the Colts, they’re extra boned now.

This week we’re highlighting the very obscure, totally non-showcase match-up between Peyton Manning and Tom Brady. I doubt any NFL-related TV shows will explore this particular angle of the Colts-Patriots game on Sunday, so it’s good that we are.

Pey-Pey and Dreamboat have met in a lot of big games this decade, so they have a “rivalry” even though I doubt there is any actual animosity between the two of them. Brady has won most of the contests, but Peyton has had the advantage the last few years. They’re both really good and shoo-in Hall of Famers.

Peyton is a robot who gesticulates too much at the line of scrimmage and, according to Peter King, is possessed of anal traits. Early in his career, it was fun to mock him for being without a championship and gay for Kenny Chesney. But then he went and won a title while the Chesney jokes got old. Now he’s just a really good quarterback who appears in a lot of commercials. The worst I can say about him is that Colts fans, even though Peyton has won multiple MVP awards and is generally thought to be the face of the league, act as though he’s somehow ignored and underappreciated. Because they’re all Midwestern diptards with nothing else in their lives, but that’s not really Peyton’s fault, is it?

Tom Brady is a smug asshole, but then he leads an almost cartoonishly perfect life. Would you or I be unbearable were we lavished with such gifts? Probably. I’m already kind of a dick and I don’t have anything on Brady. As quietly as one can do something on the overexposed Patriots, Brady has “quietly” returned to his dominating pre-injury form in the last few weeks, regaining the timing with Randy Moss that was clearly missing in the Pats first few games. That doesn’t make him or his fans, many of whom wanted Brady traded last year then complained that he wasn’t traded when he struggled some out of the gate this year, any less obnoxious. He cheated on Bridget Moynahan, he wears Yankees hats in public while he plays for a Boston (er, sorry, “New England”) team, earlier this year he blew off the Matron Saint when she tried to get a post-game quote from him. He’s a dick. You can nail him and Pats fans for the Spygate and 18-1 stuff, but then the amount of irrational hate the Steelers have received in the last year has actually made me identify with the Massholes some. Did I actually write that? Oh well.

I think the first time Peyton and Brady ever met kind of captures their respective personalities perfectly.

Already a two-time Pro Bowler, Manning nevertheless introduced himself: “I’m Peyton Manning.”

“And I said, ‘No (expletive),’ ” Brady said yesterday, laughing. “We were both getting warmed up and he was probably on his 100th throw of the day, two hours before the game. It was a pretty quick meeting.”

Robot, meet dickhead.

Elisha and Marmalard will forever be inextricably linked as the top two quarterbacks selected in the 2004 NFL Draft, but more so because they were swapped for one another because Eli Manning is a prissy little bitch who refused to play in San Diego. Also, they’re both tremendously unlikable people. Eli has already had to play the Chargers since that fateful draft day (he lost), but that was back in 2005 when Breesus was still at the helm of the offense. “NOW IT’S LASERFACE’S TURN TO INFLICT NUTPUNCHING ANGUISH ON LESSER MANNINGS! TELL ME THAT’S FLIPPIN’ SWEET, SHARTBOTTLE!” Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

(more…)

Last year, the Lions set the benchmark for failure to which all future failures will be compared, at least until the NFL expands its schedule to 18 games and some woebegone franchise (Redskins?) finds a way to lose that many games in a season. This year, the Rams look every bit as bad – possibly even worse – than that Detroit team from a year ago. Other than a matchup at currently winless Tennessee later in the season, this Sunday represents the Rams’ best chance at getting in the win column, seeing as how six of their final eight games pit them against teams with a .500 or better record. As fate would have it, it’s the Lions who could be the guardians of another epic NFL fail. So, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Same Ol’ Sorry Ass Rams____________________2008 Detroit Lions

Point differential through seven games

-151_________________________________-98

Number of times shutout

Twice_______________________________Zero

Is there an inconvenient crisis among the prominent industry in town that will lead to innumerable painful bailout jokes associated with the team’s horrid play?

Thankfully not (but they’d still like jobs)______________Oooohhhhh yeah

Are they responsible for Nelly or Kid Rock?

Nelly_____________________________Kid Rock

Pictoral approximation of failure

Medical failure analog

Kidney failure________________________Rectal prolapse

Meager redeeming quality

Avoided Rush Limbaugh as owner (through no fault of their own)______Suckered Dallas into paying big for Roy Williams

Finishing move

Laying down and dying quietly (on top of an animal)_________________Necrophilia fodder

They wrote books you probably didn’t buy. They like teams you probably don’t like. They’re gormless lazy fapwits who spend many days without pants formulating idiotic one-note caricatures of football players and coaches, all who yell and cuss a lot. It sometimes reaches a kind of crude brilliance, but mostly it doesn’t. But now their teams face one another in regular season battle reeking of quasi-LeBronish import. IT’S A FIVE-THROWGASM GAME! [Quick aside: I will be at this game because, unlike Drew, I don't rely on Gawker (which has its head so far up the ass of some midlevel ESPN employee that no cares about - much better than getting a flight booked correctly) for getting around]. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

The unbeaten Giants travel to the Superdome Sunday to play the undefeated Saints. It’s a supremely consequential game that could play a large part in the eventual make-up of the NFC playoff picture. But let’s not that allow all that meaningful subtext to get in the way of petty grudges one player holds against the team that made him a star. But it’s not just any former player – it’s a heroic douchebag that the more obnoxious members of the Giants fanbase still cling to as though he invented chin strap facial hair and chain smoking. Meanwhile, that player is promising to have his best game of the year against his former team. Since he’s already has two TDs in one game, he must be promising three. Will he deliver. WHO YA GOT?

Last year, Josh McDaniels was tasked with making Matt Cassel look like an adequate quarterback, and by employing the daring strategy of exploiting a stacked receiving corps, he was able to accomplish just that. Having done so, it was certainty that some foolish team would be willing to let him run their team into the ground. That team turned out to be the Broncos. As with so many of his other underqualified underlings, Bill Belichick was content to let him out into the world to destroy another franchise’s hopes at competency. But McDaniels has stubbornly flouted the established Belichick disciple model and found a measure of success (or at least taken the credit for the success Mike Nolan’s defense has gotten him). Is McDaniels crazy enough to try to beat his former master. Knowest he nothing of fealty? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Rape is certainly no laughing matter, despite the fact that we poke fun at it on a near hourly basis on this blog. But in the real world, it isn’t. That is, unless a woman fabricates a patently ludicrous story of a rape or assault by a celebrity, then that’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s the tender tale of Fake Rape. And it’s the laugh riot of the year. Two such examples cropped up just before this 2009 season got underway. Now that the accused square off on the football field, with nothing on their mind than a little permissible forced entry, we examine the accusers and their lying lies that aren’t true. So, WHO YA GOT?

Everyone loves a strong armed quarterback who can pinpoint throws with surgical precision into the interstitial spaces between a swarm of defenders into the welcoming hands of a receiver. Therefore we can conclude that no one likes Chad Pennington nor Philip Rivers, and not only because Rivers is a dick and Pennington is nice to the point of being off-putting. No, they offend the eye with their bloop passes, even if Marmalard can somehow throw them 60 yards. For those who do tune into this game, please allow an additional four hours of viewing time for passes to land. Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

YOU RAN THE BALL AT STABBY ST. BULLETTOOTH HERE WITH ENOUGH MUNITIONS TO START HIS BREAKAWAY REPUBLIC CALLED GOD’S COUNTRY! LIKE, THAT WOULD BE THEIR OFFICIAL TITLE AT THE UN – GOD’S COUNTY. GEE TO THE MUTHAFUKKIN CEE!

In case one of you non-stadium-owning proles has been permitted to forget, this Sunday night marks the first game of consequence in Cowboys Colossatorium of TIXAS-sized BigBigness, appropriately against the Giants (WHO ARE THEMSELVES DWARFED BY ITS ENORMITY). Even though the game features two bitter division rivals presently sitting at 1-0, we all know the real drama will be whether one of the punters clangs one off the huge obstructing video boards, causing them to crash into the Earth and kick up enough dust to blot out the sun. Or maybe just result in an odious do-over. But, wait, there’s even more external drama! The game is maybe possibly blacked out! But that’s okay because the Twittering legion of millions will keep you up to date on all goings on, at least until they’re crushed by the video board! Why must this be so complicated when we just want to see Jerry Jones humiliated? Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

Cowboys Stadium video boards__________________Jeff Feagles

Why is it noteworthy?

THAT THAR TEEVEE SHORE IS PLUM BIGGER THAN ALL-UH CREATION_________Never had a punt blocked

Has he ever had a punt blocked?

It can block punts____________________Just said I never had a punt blocked

Really?

Dunno. Ask him_____________________Uh, you heard me! No blocked punts! No way, no how!

What about the block in the preseason against the Panthers?

Yeah, what about that?________________________DOESN’T COUNT! IT’S THE GODDAMN PRESEASON!

Oh yeah, only the preseason. Sure thing, pal. [Dismissive jerking motion]

Hahahaha [Yes, the giant video board laughed]_________PISS OFF! NOT THE SAME! NOT THE SAME!

Compromising drawbacks

Possibly interrupting flow of the game_____________Denies blocked punt, causes tardwit Giants fans to wonder aloud if he’ll make it to the HOF, even though he’s a f-cking punter and no one cares

Do They Expect Monkey Punter?

NO! NO ONE EVER EXPECTS MONKEY PUNTER! Because he’s Chinese, and therefore sneaky. HE’LL BOOT A BALL CLEAR THROUGH YOUR GIANT VIDEO SCREENS LIKE IT DON’T MEAN NOTHING! THEN BUY UP YOUR COUNTRY’S DEBT!

Finishing move

SUSAN SKAGGS SEX TAPE! YEEEEEE HAWWWW! HOTNESS ON THE BIG SCREEN____Not. Getting. Blocked.

UPDATE: A canny reader, who, unlike me, checks into jokes Maj makes, points out Feagles has actually had 12 punts blocked in his career. Ouf. There goes this post’s premise. Avenge me, Monkey Punter!

This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.