Unfortunately, at Paul Brown Stadium nothing on the field provides an attractive alternative to getting completely ‘faced. Blotto to the point that your once powerful, panty-melting dance moves are now something more akin to a dying invalid feebly wave at a swarm of Africanized bees. By the way, nice brokedick 2Pac doo-rag, you piss-drunk cock.

Isn’t it apt that this waste of skin has chosen a Chris Henry jersey? Oh, it’s apt alright. Apt as a motherfucker. Also, Drunk Bengal Guy’s friend looks like a refugee from a Frankie Goes to Hollywood cover band.

Awwww, now he’s all partied out. Goodnight, sweet prince. May you live to regale the masses another season.