As could be reasonably expected from watching it on TV, Media Day is where 3,000 press whores converge to ask about 20 players from each team the same five questions over the span of two hours. Additionally there are a couple more non-traditional whores and American Idol reps with zany gimmicks on hand to provide mild respite for the frenzied accredited search party engaged in mad pursuit of a halfway compelling sound byte.

Not wanting to spend one of the few times with actual access among the Freeney Ankle Horde, or the Fellatin’ Peyton Brigade, I went off in search of what comedy I could find.

Me: Hey Peter, I’m Mike Tunison with Kissing Suzy Kolber. We’re the ones who do that weekly spoof of your column. You’ve been in touch with Drew Magary about it.
Peter King: Well, I’ve never talked with him.
Me: All right, well, you’ve exchanged e-mails.
PK: Fine.
Me: Anyway, I wanted to know if you’d be willing to do a short video interview for the site. I could ask you some questions about the column. You could even trash us or defend yourself to our readers.
PK: Yeah, you know. I don’t want to be involved with the nonsense you guys do over there.
Me: That’s all right. If you don’t want to, that’s cool.
PK: I’d really rather not.
Me: Okay. Thanks anyway.

Later, I ran across the Matron Saint during the Saints portion of Media Day and asked if she would do a quick shout-out video greeting for the blog. Having mentioned in interviews that she had heard about us before, I thought she might have had a sense of humor about being the namesake for a filthy dick joke blog. I guess not. She looked quite creeped out by the request, which made me feel all sorts of wonderful.

Nooooo! Two central characters in the KSK mockery universe, spurning us cold. Not that I particularly blame PK or Suzy for rebuffing the request. Were I in their position, I might do the same. Still, it was worth a try.

With the two biggest KSK-relevant attractions run aground, and every boldface name surrounded by a million assholes with fancy cameras, I went on a firestorm of immaturity with my interview subjects. There’s more goodness up at The Sporting Blog, who are the folks kind/crazy enough to send me to Miami.

Austin Collie:

David Thomas:

Tracy Porter:

Franklin Delano Bluth/Skanky Foreign Reporter:

The Zen Stick of Energy:

I also got Will Smith to say “Welcome to Earff!” (sadly my camera fucked this up) and I had a fun exchange with Kyle Eckel.

Me: Hey Kyle Eckel. Remember two years ago when the Patriots used you as their victory cigar late in blowout games?
Eckel: [Happy someone is talking to him] Ha! Oh yeah, definitely.
Me: Well, what does it feel like to go from a team everyone wants to lose to one everyone wants to win?
Eckel: [Face sinks] I mean, I know how much it means to the city of New Orleans. You can feel it every time you talk to fans. There’s such an undeniable energy in this city. [A couple more sentences of canned, bored response]

Kyle misses being the villain.

The New England might have missed out on the playoffs, but that just means they’ll have extra time to scout for the 2009 NFL Draft before Scott Pioli bolts town. So which player can you expect to draw the eye of Red Sox Nation? Well let’s just say he’s a former baseball player who played SIX positions before settling in as a receiver for the Rice Owls (former home of one Larry Izzo). Sure James Casey is a 24 year-old sophomore with limited football experience, but by god, look at that white man spin!

He’s like Welkah! mixed with a white Troy Vincent!

With Randy Moss already having been pictured with Miss Kentucky at the Derby, it’s good to see Don Chavez get this photo of Dr. Underneath showing off his pearly sallow whites to the camera.

Come now, Wesley. Leave the fellateface to Pats fans imagination. Simmons may not leave the house for weeks now. You know how nuts he goes for the white guy uvula. Or was that urethra?