Last night, 10-year-old Sussex spaniel Stump shocked the canine world when he took Best In Show at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show last night. The dog was ten years old! That’s what, 70 in dog years? That’s like Joan Rivers winning a Miss America pageant. Immediately after his victory, the champ granted a special interview to KSK, and we were more than eager to enjoy a conversation with the dog of the hour.

Fuckin’ kids these days, man. They don’t appreciate shit. Nothing. Every fucking day we were here, it’s “I wanna eat this, I wanna piss here, Why aren’t you rubbing my tummy?” I just wanted to paw these little faggots in the face and yell, “You’re in this show to compete, faggots! Not to have someone else lick your ass for you.” Of course, I didn’t do that. Only chows yell. Christ, those chows are fucking retarded.

 

And don’t get me started on the chocolate labs. Laziest fucking animals on earth. Dumber than shit. You know we tried to play fetch with those hydrant humpers? Someone throws the ball, and these numbnuts take two steps and then turn around all stupid and shit and they’re like “Where’d it go?” WHY DON’T YOU GO LOOK, COCKFACE?! And stop shitting in my water bowl. It’s bad enough I have to taste my own ass every day.

But yeah, I won, so get fucked. Look for my new rap album in the fall. I don’t have a title yet, but it’ll have something to do with fucking bitches and getting paid. And in the video I’ll be in a car that bounces up and down. That’s all I got so far. We’re working on the rest. Oh hey…

[looks around]

 

I pissed on this one girl the other night and SHE DIDN’T SAY SHIT. I think she wanted it. Goddamn, I can’t wait until I win next year. Dog shows are the greatest thing ever.

Shortly after our conversation with Stump, the Sussex spaniel was stripped of his Best In Show award after his urine allegedly tested positive for Kibberal, a dietary supplement that has been on the Westminster Kennel Club’s banned substances list since 2004. A phone call to Stump’s representation requesting comment was not immediately returned.