Some people may find it curious that I’m bothering to announce my retirement now, when I haven’t played since last year. The timing of the Saints-Falcons game is a nice touch, but not really why I’m bowing out now.

Spare me the geriatrics jokes. Yeah, I’m an old man. I still got it. But even as a kicker, it takes a lot of work to stay in football shape when you’re out of the game and waiting for that phone call.

Have to tell the press the right things. The God-honest truth is I could keep going. It’s been a good run. I’d go far as to say a blessing. And I’m not much one for religion. ‘Cause we outlawed it in Europe.

Even with the records, it’s not about a lack of motivation. I could play the game until they put me deep in the ground.

But, man, once I get my hands on that Dark Knight Blu-Ray tomorrow, I’m not doing shit for six months. Possibly not ever again. You might think that last comeback with the Falcons was to establish myself as the highest scorer in NFL history? Pfft, that ain’t nothing. I was all about cultivating my weed contacts through Ookie, and oh did I ever. My friends over in Amsterdam can only dream about the sticky I can dig up.

I couldn’t get fucked up when I saw Dark Knight on IMAX over the summer ’cause I had the wife with me and she doesn’t approve. Typical. Do you know how pretty movies look in Blu-Ray? I stuck Wall-E in the other day and never watched the movie ’cause I kept staring at the menu screen for three hours.

But a good movie? I’m done. DONE.

I wish you could see this, Ookie. It’s like they invented it for you.

What the fuck you lookin’ at, fool! I see you eyein’ my celebration weed over there! You best be wise and keep off that shit. That’s for TO-NITE! For da vic’try party! We gonna git down! I got my crunk and my weeeeeed and my Henneseeeeeeey and my–

[cell phone rings]

…shit, hang on.

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama, how may I be of serv…Aw, shit, Oprah! You damn near scare me outta ma skin, girl! Thought you was CNN! Lemme call ya back.

So what was I sayin? Yeah, so I’m glad this shit’s FINALLY over, knowutI’m sayin? ‘Cuz if I shake hands with one more nigga I AM GONNA CHOKE A BITCH! And why the fuck are they always followin’ us around? Don’t they have JOBS n’shit? Hey, yo free health care is coming! Obama Claus is coming to yo town! Now git yo ass outta my face! And don’t you fools be touchin’ my weed, cuz that shit’s fo–

[cell phone rings again] Muthafucka what the shit? Again?

Good afternoon, this is Michelle Obama…Oh, hello Anderson, it’s very nice to hear from you…I’d love to do that, but actually, I’m unavailable tomorrow morning…4 o’clock then?…Terrific. I’ll let Barry know…I’m looking forward to it as well…Haha, yes, let’s hope so…bye bye now.

Man, that goddamn Steve Martin lookin’ muthafucka always CALLIN ME n’ shit? Bein’ all “I’d love to sit down with you and…” Nigga, sit y’ass down YO’SELF. What was I talkin’ bout? Oh yeah.

So damn, fool! You know what’s shocked me the most? ALL THESE GODDAMN WHITE PEOPLE UP IN THIS MUG? Y’all know what Gitmo is right? That’s where we’re putting all the white people. The crackers had their shot at fucking shit up. NOW IT’S OUR TURN! Whoooooose house? Ruuuuuun’s House! Fist bump, fool!

You can hang though. You cool. But you ain’t gettin’ none’my weed. We ain’t just handin’ shit out up in this mug. Git ya’own shit. Punk ass fool.

I was watching one of those boring as shit debates last night when one old bald tardbilly asked the candidates, “For us old people who have lost a lot of money, what are you going to do to help us get it back?” Now, neither douchebag on stage had the balls to tell this guy, “Sorry, old fogy. YOU BE FUCKED.” In fact, neither candidate had much of an idea about anything, apart from some tax cut and health care bullshit that our broke-ass government almost certainly can’t fucking afford.

People, we need a solution. We can’t just keep doing the same old crap. We gotta, like, innovate and shit. This economy’s going into the shitter because so much of it is based on speculation and piggybacking on top of other industries. We gotta start producing more real, actual, useful shit for people to buy. But new, thriving industries don’t just spring up overnight.

OR DO THEY?

People, we at KSK once again have devised a simple, radical solution to our nation’s ills, to help get our economy back into fighting shape. Three words: LEGALIZE IT, FUCKFACES. That’s right. It’s time to legalize pot. Weed. Mary Jane. The sticky icky. The Chronic. The kush. The green monster. The skunky unky. The splendid spliffer. Vick’s cash crop. Travis Henry’s Birf Control.

You know, that stuff.

Think about it. How much money do we fucking wipe our asses with trying to prosecute weed dealing, weed smoking, weed trafficking, weed growing, weed harvesting, and weed bikini stitching? I bet it’s like, billions. I would look up the exact figure, but I’m stoned right now.

And how big is the entire illegal marijuana industry? How much untaxed money is collectively made by dope dealers, and dope runners, and rectal dope smugglers? I bet it’s like, TRILLIONS. Again, I would look up the exact figure. But I’m stoned right now.

People, we are sitting on a fucking gold mine here. If we legalize weed, BOOM! You got yourself a whole burgeoning mini-economy. Rural farmers would start making money growing weed. Urban hash bars would start making money serving weed. EZ Wider stock would go through the fucking ROOF. American snack makers like Tastykake would see records profits. Mmmm… Tastykake. God, that sounds so fucking good right now.

Increased tax revenues would pay down our debts. And accounting firms would boom, because everyone would be too stoned to fill out a tax form properly.

TOURISM! Holy shit, think of the fucking tourism! Legal weed and a cheap dollar? People would fucking SWIM to get here and start toking. You’re telling me I can smoke weed legally without having to deal with all those creepy Dutch fuckers? WINNAR. Imagine if weed were legal in Miami. With all those hot bodies sweatin’ and bumpin’ and grindin’. MONEYGASM.

Sales of weed and weed supplies could help jump start the whole fucking system. Gigantic head shop/KFC/Philly Blunt outlets could bully Wal Mart out of existence. TAKE THAT, WALTON FAMILY!

Health care costs would plummet. People would need less prescription drugs, or would be too lazy to get them filled. Hypochondriacs would stop going to the doctor every five minutes and just chill the fuck out. Less people would have the energy to pursue costly litigation.

Furthermore, legalizing weed could lead to a massive national brainstorm of how we could solve all our other problems. “Hey man, what if we like, harnessed the power of the fucking DOLPHINS?” Indeed, why AREN’T we harnessing the power of the dolphins? We could do that! Goodbye, foreign energy dependence! We got all the power we need in Flipper right here.

Best of all, even if legalizing weed failed to bring the economy back, no one would care. Know why? BECAUSE WE’D ALL BE STONED. How fucking bad can it be if you’ve got cheap KB readily available to you day and night? Not bad at all, people. And anyone who says otherwise can go get fucked.

Now, legalizing weed is just one step in our KSK Sexy Master Plan For National Revitalization From Sin-Based Initiatives (KSKSMPFNRFSBI). Our platform also pushes for the national legalization of gambling in all forms (even death pools), and of prostitution. All prostitutes. Female prostitutes. Male prostitutes. Midget prostitutes. All legal. All taxable. All highly naughty. Know what the fastest growing town in America is? Vegas. Well, why not just make the whole country that way? What would suck about that? Nothing, that’s what.

These are tough times, people. It requires us to completely rethink how and why we do things. I’m talking real Freakonomic shit here. We’ve never herded Boston fans into sweatshops to make bedsheets for the world market. But shouldn’t we? I say yes.

It all starts with a weed-based economy, my friends. If you care about the economic health of this great nation, you will join me in saying for the world to hear:

TOKE, BABY, TOKE