Vick: Oh.

Oh, man.

Oh, Sweet Wilma Flintstone. DAMN.

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Oh, man.

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Oh, man. Oh, Lord. Oh, SHIZZAY. I didn’t shoot my boy Quanis over cake! That’s untrue! I was just trying to LIGHT that cake! If you got a better idea to light a cake than using a .357, I’d like to hear it. BITCHES.

Oh, man. I am HIGH. Let’s see Kevin Kolb get this high.

You got your Schedule Release Day in my 420. The NFL is finally ready to release their precious schedule, and they’ll do so tonight at 7 pm EST on their website. Peter King is positively nonplussed, but those of us who aren’t assholes have a right to be excited. While I don’t plan on going home to sit in front of the computer hitting refresh, I do look forward to running down the Redskins schedule assigning wins and losses without stopping to think. Of course today is also 4/20, so if you project your favorite team to finish 11-27 you might want to revisit it tomorrow when you’re a bit more clear-headed.

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Your new nickname is KUSHCOCK. Santonio Holmes will be riding out his fresh four game suspension in New York, home of the nation’s premier sour diesel delivery services. The Steelers wanted to dump their former Super Bowl MVP and avid baker, and the Jets were happy to part with a 5th round pick to acquire the “troubled” (read: stoned) wide receiver. While Holmes will only be able to participate in 12 regular season games, he’ll be free to spend training camp with his new teammates. Somewhere HBO executives are grinning just like Santonio does while he’s watching Puppy Plays the Classics on HBO Family at 3 am. [ESPN]

Update: The Steelers were prepared to cut Holmes outright, so they’re probably happy to have gotten anything.

One of the odd things about Michael Vick’s signing last week was the continued presence of former Colts coach Tony Dungy by Vick’s side as both mentor and advocate. Why is Dungy so interested in Vick? Well, we at KSK recently found a tape of the two men meeting privately that explains a great deal. Here now is the transcript.

Vick: Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

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Oh, man.

Oh, Lord.

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Rival minor holidays share space on this dreary Monday, what with stoners and Massholes (there’s room for some overlap, that would at least serve to explain the team logo hodgepodge tattoo) each having relative moments of significance to observe. Is it 26 feet of subs or 26.2 miles of arduous running. The choice is clear. WHO YA GOT?

Contestants

4/20______________________Patriots’ Day

Meaning

A symbol of marijuana culture supposedly marking a ritual some high school students had for getting high in the ’70s_________________Anniversary of the Battles of Lexington and Concord

Proponents

Like half the country, but really Ookie and Santonio________________Dickbag Bahstonians

Preferred narcotic

An icky noted for stickiness__________________A dozen fackin Twisted Teas

Events marking the day

High Times beauty pageant, lots of Crank 2 screenings_____________________Boston Marathon

Finishing Move

Writing impassioned jeremiads about Comic Sans___Transferring supposed lifetime allegiance from foundering Celtics to Bruins

Dear Mister Home Depot Man,

Oh man.

Oh shit.

Oh shit damn.

Oh fuoouooouoouck.

I am HIGH! I mean, god to the DAMN! Ain’t no high like a prison high, Mr. Home Depot Man. Shit feel pretty good. There’s not a lot of weed to go around here, so I’ve been spending most of my time smoking crystallized urine, also known as “Canary Diamond”. It’s not bad. Once you get used to the smell, it doesn’t really bother you.

And the longer Pookie leaves his shit on the radiator, the stronger it gets. It also helps if he doesn’t drink any water for, like, a week. That shit browns up real nice. It’s like, got a higher concentration of urea in it. How you like that? And they said I was bad at team chemistry. I’m learnin’ all kinds of chemistry up in this bitch.

Is someone pouring ketchup on me? What’s that smell?

Anyway, the first time I smoked some of this Asshish, I didn’t like it. All it did was make me dizzy and sick. And my fingernails started falling out. But after a couple of tokes, that buzz comes on STRAH-WRONG! For six weeks, I was convinced I was made of cardboard. Then everything I touched turned into bubbles. I like it.

Whoa, look! Bubbles! With little hos in them!

I ain’t gonna lie to you, Mr. Home Depot Man. It’s tough here in prison. I certainly wish I had gone to one of your fine stores before coming here. This cell could use some serious goddamn crown molding. And I KNOW I’m not the only motherfucker here that feels that way. These fixtures are some cheap ass shit.

I have tried to pass the time by reading some of my favorite books. Like this one.

Motherfucker, you wouldn’t believe how crazy some of these hippos get. They don’t give a fuck about nuthin’. Sometimes they come out of the book and we wrestle. Then I end up covered in my own shit. I don’t know how that happens, but it’s solid.

There’s something dripping in here.

I have been making great efforts to be a better person, and have been reflecting on the error of my ways. I know now that it was wrong to fight dogs in Virginia. I should have made them fight over in Cambodia, where both dog fighting and human fighting are totally legal, and encouraged!

I’m also getting much deeper into religion. A man named Kassim here says I can find salvation through a dude named Allah. All I have to do is run a crude hook through a white boy once a week. I tell you what, they don’t like white people here. It’s a real nice change of pace from out there.

There are tadpoles swimming in my eyes.

I know that people have been saying I’m playing football in there, but that is not true. They do have a football team here, but you should see some of the motherfuckers they have! They have QB’s who complete over 40% of their throws! They must be, like, superpros or something. I can’t compete with that shit. And they run designed plays! You gotta study them! I didn’t come to prison to study. That would be like being in school again. What a fuckin’ mightmare that would be!

My skin seems to have developed a graham cracka crust. It’s delicious. I don’t mind helping myself to a little piece of me!

In closing, Mr. Home Depot Man, send money. And pie.

-MV7

Welcome to a Super special edition of Always Be Covering. It’s that time. It’s the Super Bowl…

She looks tasty.

Fuck.

I really wish this day had never come.

There’s no doubt that it’s a day to be celebrated, but it also reminds us of what we’ll be missing.

No, I’m not talking about the Super Bowl. I’m obviously talking about the debut of Prescription Vending Machines in the state of California.

And you thought ATM muggings were a problem…
Holy crap, this is brilliant. Now I’m not saying that I partake in the whole marijuana thing, but as a Libertarian I am quite pleased. Sure these marijuana dispensers require a prepaid card linked to a doctor’s prescription along with a fingerprint identification, but migraines seem pretty common these days. But why are they so far away?

Anyways, let’s get on to the bet of the year…

The Big Game Teaser
Both lines teased 6 points. Odds: 10/11

I don’t really feel like going back into the archives to see how many teasers I’ve lost this year, but I trust one of you fuckwads will take up the task yourselves. Yeah, teasers are crappy bets and I still don’t fucking care.

Am I some sort of expert gambler?
No.

Have I won any money this season?
Probably not.

Do I sound like David Lookner?
Absolutely!

Alright, fuck it all. Here’s the bet…

New England -5.5 vs. New York
Total Score Over 48.5

Yep, it’s that easy. Enjoy the game everybody. Oh, and don’t bother with work on Monday. That’s for the womenfolk.

So help me God, the first person who comments to tell me I got the line wrong will have the corpse of their most recently deceased relative violated in a most unseemly manor.

Image via America’s Next Pot Model