There are some alterations afoot with the KSK commenting system and live blogs. As is this is a fairly cut-and-dry housecleaning post devoid of dick jokes and full of scary change, we’ll leave all the sordid details after the jump.

The chronological order comments are presented has been flipped. To wit: the most recent comment now appears at the top of the comment section, as opposed to the bottom or within the acknowledgments of Drew’s book. FIRSTIES WILL GIVE WAY TO LASTIES. This will take some getting used to for all involved, but then you got used to wiping your own ass; you can get used to this.

Real-time updated comment notification is on the way, meaning you won’t have to refresh the page to see new comments from other readers. They’ll just appear as if by Tebow magic. This is partially the reason why the comment order has been flipped, as the page will have to move down when new comments appear.

We’ve given 15 of our most consistently funny commenters the ability to post images and video in their comments. The Uproxx overlords are wary of granting this privilege to all registered commenters because they fear (read: are quite certain) someone (Mew Dragery) will just end up posting pictures of naked 12-year-olds. We’ll add people to the list as time goes on, as a reward for prolonged funniness and/or sucking up.

Just to sow resentment and jealousy, the 15 are: Otto Man, Upstate Underdog, Grimey, 0tarin, Moose, TH, StuScottBooyahs, porkythefirst, LastTexansFan, Enrico Pallazzo, William Charles Schneider, Crocshots, Small Man on Campus, Lord Revisisle, and Nippopotamus.

IrishCream: Please please please, I want to make the list. Grimey, did I make the list?
Grimey: You sure did!
IrishCream: I did! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! In your face, Otto Man!
Grimey: Wait a minute, are you Ken Griffey, Jr.?
IrishCream: No.
Grimey: Sorry. Didn’t mean to get your hopes up.

As for live blogs, we won’t be using the CoverItLive application anymore. While CoverItLive had the singular advantage of embeddable polls, it was otherwise a huge headache. Comments flew through the viewer window much too quickly for anyone to possibly keep up with what was going on, maybe because only three comments could be viewed in the window at any one time. Another problem was that only a maximum of 25 commenters could be granted automatic approval rights, so a moderator had to sift through and manually approve comments from as many as 2,200 readers submitting comments in real time. This meant if, say, your dear moderator were to leave his computer to take a piss, hundreds of comments would go unapproved in that span and people would get irate. It was a clusterfuck every time.

In the future, we’ll utilize the model that the Uproxx main page has used with its “Archer” live blogs. On its face, this format more closely resembles our open threads, but once all the new features are in place, it should run much more smoothly and coherently. KSK will have one of these going for each half during the Super Bowl. We have plans to get special guests involved with the live blogs, but that won’t come to fruition until the draft.

[pic via]

We here at KSK recently conducted a bit of audience research, which garnered a host of helpful suggestions, such as “please, more hardcore porn links in the live blog”, “how about a Gerald Sensabaugh KSKharacter?”, “wouldn’t it be awesome if Drew got time travel powers?” and “you should win stuff by reading”.

We laughed uproariously at all of them. Just horrible, horrible ideas. But then our Uproxx overlords said we need to do something to promote the new commenting system that has been implemented on the network, which includes lofty-nifty features like sign-up using Facebook or Twitter, universal log-in on any Uproxx site and user profiles with clickable avatars. Coming soon, we’ll have direct messaging capability between commenters, threaded comment replying and even badges and awards for great commenting that Otto Man will probably win on a weekly basis.

Anyway, we meekly acceded to our overlords’ demands as we were being whipped back into the blog mines. In a related development: It now turns out you will be able to win things by reading! And not just a copy of whichever book one of us is hawking at that particular moment. Something you actually want!

So here’s the deal: We’re giving out a $250 Amazon gift card to a registered reader who submits the best caption in the comments for the image included after the jump. For further reference, see the similar contests going on at the Uproxx flagship site and at Gammasquad.

MORE RULES

- UPROXX network employees and contributors are prohibited from winning. Rule is also arbitrarily expanded to include Josh Zerkle. And we won’t allow Unsilent to rig this one for Sarah Schorno.

- You have until 7 p.m. Sunday to claim your prize. If you’ve won, you’ll be notified by email on Friday October 14, 2011. The winner then has until the end of the late games Sunday to reply to the email notification. If a winner doesn’t respond by that time, another will be chosen.

Here it is. Make with the funny.

You’ll notice that this is neither the Friday Five nor Sexy Friday. We got rid of Sexy Friday because too many people bitched about it not being posted by the time they wanted it to be posted, and when we posted it other people would bitch about whichever image of an attractive woman not being sexy enough. So we replaced it with the Friday Five, which has led to three weeks of bitching about there not being a Sexy Friday, without any kind of realization that that’s the exact kind of behavior we delight in punishing.

This is symptomatic of a larger trend. In general, the quality of the comments at KSK has declined dramatically over the last year or so, so let’s get some things straight.

The purpose of the comments here at KSK is to add something humorous to the discussion. We don’t want feedback in the comments. You want to give us feedback? Our emails — individual and collective — are on the right sidebar. The comments should be a humorous extension of the post (whether or not the post itself succeeded at humor).

So no, we don’t want bullshit like, “This post is as funny as my mom dying of cancer.” We don’t need to hear how it’s better or worse than some other KSK post by a different writer. And we don’t want handjobs telling us how great it is, either. Dovetail off of jokes. Take the conversation in humorous new directions. Make fun of the KSK staff.  Make the other readers and other commenters laugh. BRING THE FUNNY OR GET THE FUCK OUT.

Nowhere in those guidelines is there room for “Wah wah, I want Sexy Friday!” or “Hey, why hasn’t my favorite weekly post showed up yet?” or anything that assumes that YOU dictate the content here. THIS ISN’T FUCKING BURGER KING. If you want to know where the next post is, the answer is always WE ARE FUCKING WORKING ON IT.

So here’s the deal: if nobody bitches for the next week about Sexy Friday — and I mean NOBODY utters that fucking phrase — then next week, you get Sexy Friday. If you get Sexy Friday next week, and nobody calls the hot woman that you’d be fortunate to engage in carnal relations with ugly, and nobody says, “About damn time,” and nobody says how much better it is than the Friday Five, and the following week continues without someone bitching about Sexy Friday, then — and ONLY THEN — you get another Sexy Friday.

So, commenters, consider yourselves on a week-to-week probation. Shape the fuck up. If you add something worthwhile to the site, you will be rewarded. If you make the blog less fun for the bloggers providing the content, then you don’t get what you want. Do not for an instant underestimate just how far we will go to spite the collective for the idiocy of a few. We are angry, petty men, and we don’t care about your happiness.

Have a great weekend! See you Sunday!

Here’s one last reminder to sign up for the KSK Suicide Pools.

Oh, and commenter “12-Pack-Abs” has graciously offered to put up a $50 gift card for the survivor of the KSKSP, which I find totally awesome and quite stunning. And just so I don’t look like a total tightass, I’m going to match it.

So the winner of this little clambake is going to have an extra C-note to his or her credit come January. Why the fuck haven’t you signed up yet?

Inumerable thanks to the cadre of commenters that volunteered to set up these pools for our contest. You, faithful reader, can register in any of these pools to be eligible for the KSK Suicide Pool contest. The winner will get a copy of my upcoming pamphlet, currently untitled, to be released in early 2009. And maybe some other shit.

Pick a group below to join, go here, and sign up. Those running the pools: feel free to identify your pool in the comments (sorry I didn’t do it myself). We’ll add pools to the board as more are created and pull off the ones that fill up to 50. Don’t cry about how you can’t get into a pool. These pools aren’t lifeboats on the Titanic; we’re maxing out all of them. Keep looking.

As for the rest of you, DO NOT sign up for more than one group. If you prove to be as dumb as the people we kicked out last year for this, I will find out where you live and drop a brown baby boy on your coffee table, or nearest furniture equivalent. I WILL FIND YOU. You know, time permitting.

Good luck to everyone, and don’t forget to pick a team fore Week 1 when you sign up.

Group ID#: 18583
Password: kissmesuzy

Group ID#: 18585
Password: 123FOOTBALL

Group ID#: 18586
Password: santonio

Group ID#: 18604
Password: kskpool

Group ID#: 18614
Password: dekerfootball

Group ID# = 18619
password = KSK17

Group ID#: 18649
Password: KSK17

Group ID#: 18592
Password: punte

Group ID#: 18656
Password: sbmvpwetsbed

Group ID#: 18658
Password: 12345

Group ID#: 18673
Password: ocho

Group ID#: 18695
Password: football

Group ID#: 18807
Password: godeep

Group ID#: 18864
Password: ballsballs

Group ID#: 18935
Password: bukkake

Group ID#: 19099
Password: muahsuzy

Group ID#: 18631
Password: pw1234

Group ID#: 19364
Password: 100ocs

Group ID#: 19392
Password: password

Group ID#: 18619
Password: KSK17

Group ID#: 20847
Password: suicide

Group ID#: 21091
Password: ksk17

Group ID#: 20677
Password: travishenrysfre

Group ID#: 22486
Password: Gocougs

Group ID#: 22491
Password: quinn

Group ID#: #24913
PW = drewfagery

We’re looking for people to help us run the suicide pools for this year. Yes, we’re having them.

For us to consider you helpful, you must be willing to set up a Yahoo! pool for us to direct our commenters to sign up, and mail in updates of that pool every three weeks. If you are interested in helping out, send an email to me at mondaymorningpunter <at> gmail.com with the phrase SUICIDE POOL in your subject line. I need to hear from you today. Thanks.

UPDATE: If you’re wondering if we still need people, yes, we still need people. Thanks a ton to those that have already volunteered. Your service is crucial to our efforts.

UPDATE: We’ve opened a late group for the KSK Suicide Pool. Same link, ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). If you’re already in a group, stay the fuck out or I will hunt you down and fill your asshole with sharpened pencils. -MMP

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

Surely our pain is one felt by forum boards the internet round, as a filmmaker over at College Humor has captured all these maddening commenter proclivities in one amazing skit.

Let me save you the effort: FIRST!!!!

UPDATE (9/6): This is the latest group. ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). Remember, one entry per person. Thanks for playing.

A quick announcement:

KSK will be running a suicide pool for the 2007 season. If you’re interested, we’d like you to get in on it. Here’s the information:

Click here.

Here’s our Group ID# (1510) and the Password (gargargargar).

If you’ve never done a NFL suicide pool before, you pick one team per week. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, stick a fork in your ass, because you’re done. Oh, and you can only pick a team to win once. That bit is crucial.

This particular group only holds 50 people. Once it fills up, we’ll open another group, and so on, until everyone that wants to get in, gets in. There’s plenty of room on this crazy train, but, for fuck’s sake, one entry to a person. We will post a comprehensive leaderboard of the survivors when the pack gets whittled down to 30.

We will do something special for anyone that survives the entire season. We don’t know what that will be yet, so don’t ask. The updates for new groups will be made in this space, so check back if you don’t get into the first group.

UPDATE: Group 2 is up. Same link, ID#: 3858, pw(jeangray). Sorry that took so long; I just woke up.

UPDATE: Group 3 is up now, too. Same link, ID#: 3877, pw(majofhonor).

UPDATE: Group 4 is up. Same link, ID#: 3920, pw(donthasseltheuf).

UPDATE: Group V is up. Same link, ID#: 3939, pw(daddydrewblood).

UPDATE: Group 6 is up. Same link, ID#: 3975, pw(falcocrest).

UPDATE: Group 7 is up. Same link, ID#: 4023, pw(ifuckmules).

UPDATE: Group 8 is up. Same link, ID#: 4028, pw(scottvanpelt).

UPDATE: Group 9 is up. Same link, ID#: 4033, pw(tblmovienight).

UPDATE: Congratulations to Kels, who just got his ass banned for signing up for more than one pool. It takes skill to finish dead last before the contest even starts. ONE ENTRY PER PERSON. If you put in two entries, I will find your cheating ass. So don’t bother.

UPDATE: Group X is up. Same link, ID#: 4198, pw(urmomcame4me).

UPDATE: Group 11 is up. Same link, ID#: 4620, pw(killkillkill).

UPDATE: Group 12 is up. Same link, ID#: 5107, pw(kelscheated).

UPDATE: Another Group 12. Same link, ID#: 5105, pw(jugsandred).

UPDATE: Group 14. Same link, ID#: 6543, pw(apecanttype). If you’re already in one of the other 13 groups and you join this group, I will come to your house and sew your genitals to your face.

UPDATE: Group 15. Same link, ID#: 8780, pw(shanofftimer). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will shit in your car.

UPDATE: Group 16. Same link, ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will come to your house and tear your wife in half.