Here’s one last reminder to sign up for the KSK Suicide Pools.

Oh, and commenter “12-Pack-Abs” has graciously offered to put up a $50 gift card for the survivor of the KSKSP, which I find totally awesome and quite stunning. And just so I don’t look like a total tightass, I’m going to match it.

So the winner of this little clambake is going to have an extra C-note to his or her credit come January. Why the fuck haven’t you signed up yet?

Inumerable thanks to the cadre of commenters that volunteered to set up these pools for our contest. You, faithful reader, can register in any of these pools to be eligible for the KSK Suicide Pool contest. The winner will get a copy of my upcoming pamphlet, currently untitled, to be released in early 2009. And maybe some other shit.

Pick a group below to join, go here, and sign up. Those running the pools: feel free to identify your pool in the comments (sorry I didn’t do it myself). We’ll add pools to the board as more are created and pull off the ones that fill up to 50. Don’t cry about how you can’t get into a pool. These pools aren’t lifeboats on the Titanic; we’re maxing out all of them. Keep looking.

As for the rest of you, DO NOT sign up for more than one group. If you prove to be as dumb as the people we kicked out last year for this, I will find out where you live and drop a brown baby boy on your coffee table, or nearest furniture equivalent. I WILL FIND YOU. You know, time permitting.

Good luck to everyone, and don’t forget to pick a team fore Week 1 when you sign up. (more…)

We’re looking for people to help us run the suicide pools for this year. Yes, we’re having them.

For us to consider you helpful, you must be willing to set up a Yahoo! pool for us to direct our commenters to sign up, and mail in updates of that pool every three weeks. If you are interested in helping out, send an email to me at mondaymorningpunter <at> gmail.com with the phrase SUICIDE POOL in your subject line. I need to hear from you today. Thanks.

UPDATE: If you’re wondering if we still need people, yes, we still need people. Thanks a ton to those that have already volunteered. Your service is crucial to our efforts.

Allow Me to Retort’s submission in our Manning-to-Tyree-play naming contest was the overwhelming winner. So enamored are we of The Giant Snatch that we’re dedicating this post to its coinage, hopefully prompting the name to gain cultural currency or at least a high placement on Google.

Alright people, it doesn’t get any easier than this. Let’s hear your best captions in the comments.

UPDATE: We’ve opened a late group for the KSK Suicide Pool. Same link, ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). If you’re already in a group, stay the fuck out or I will hunt you down and fill your asshole with sharpened pencils. -MMP

Thus far, the first annual KsK Kares Charity Drive for Fisher House has raised over $500 for disabled veterans and their families. You can donate directly to FH here.

For the most part, we love pouring our every fiber into this blog. However, ever and anon, you commenters drive us up the fucking wall, be you taking the same pick in a draft eight times, missing the point of jokes, turning Deadspin into a banal chat room or just engaging into general dipshittery.

Surely our pain is one felt by forum boards the internet round, as a filmmaker over at College Humor has captured all these maddening commenter proclivities in one amazing skit.

Let me save you the effort: FIRST!!!!

UPDATE (9/6): This is the latest group. ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). Remember, one entry per person. Thanks for playing.

A quick announcement:

KSK will be running a suicide pool for the 2007 season. If you’re interested, we’d like you to get in on it. Here’s the information:

Click here.

Here’s our Group ID# (1510) and the Password (gargargargar).

If you’ve never done a NFL suicide pool before, you pick one team per week. If your team wins, you advance to the next week. If your team loses, stick a fork in your ass, because you’re done. Oh, and you can only pick a team to win once. That bit is crucial.

This particular group only holds 50 people. Once it fills up, we’ll open another group, and so on, until everyone that wants to get in, gets in. There’s plenty of room on this crazy train, but, for fuck’s sake, one entry to a person. We will post a comprehensive leaderboard of the survivors when the pack gets whittled down to 30.

We will do something special for anyone that survives the entire season. We don’t know what that will be yet, so don’t ask. The updates for new groups will be made in this space, so check back if you don’t get into the first group.

UPDATE: Group 2 is up. Same link, ID#: 3858, pw(jeangray). Sorry that took so long; I just woke up.

UPDATE: Group 3 is up now, too. Same link, ID#: 3877, pw(majofhonor).

UPDATE: Group 4 is up. Same link, ID#: 3920, pw(donthasseltheuf).

UPDATE: Group V is up. Same link, ID#: 3939, pw(daddydrewblood).

UPDATE: Group 6 is up. Same link, ID#: 3975, pw(falcocrest).

UPDATE: Group 7 is up. Same link, ID#: 4023, pw(ifuckmules).

UPDATE: Group 8 is up. Same link, ID#: 4028, pw(scottvanpelt).

UPDATE: Group 9 is up. Same link, ID#: 4033, pw(tblmovienight).

UPDATE: Congratulations to Kels, who just got his ass banned for signing up for more than one pool. It takes skill to finish dead last before the contest even starts. ONE ENTRY PER PERSON. If you put in two entries, I will find your cheating ass. So don’t bother.

UPDATE: Group X is up. Same link, ID#: 4198, pw(urmomcame4me).

UPDATE: Group 11 is up. Same link, ID#: 4620, pw(killkillkill).

UPDATE: Group 12 is up. Same link, ID#: 5107, pw(kelscheated).

UPDATE: Another Group 12. Same link, ID#: 5105, pw(jugsandred).

UPDATE: Group 14. Same link, ID#: 6543, pw(apecanttype). If you’re already in one of the other 13 groups and you join this group, I will come to your house and sew your genitals to your face.

UPDATE: Group 15. Same link, ID#: 8780, pw(shanofftimer). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will shit in your car.

UPDATE: Group 16. Same link, ID#: 27548, pw(latelate). If you are in more than one group my friends and I will come to your house and tear your wife in half.

If you think June is too early to be talking about fantasy football, then fuck you. It’s never too early to get into the stats and trends. Although, May probably is too early. But, it’s never too early to get your league together, just to make sure you get your group set and do all the admin bullsh so it doesn’t interfere with your draft prep.

Some of you may already be wondering: is KSK starting a fantasy league this year?

Yes, we are.

A keeper league, no less. And we want one of you to join us. But if you want in, you’ve gotta try out. We’re looking for a commenter that knows the roto** game, and will hold his or her own in a 14-team keeper league.

This is the group of 13 that we have so far. I think you’ll agree that the list is long and distinguished, like my johnson:

Yours Truly

Big Daddy Drew

Christmas Ape

Unsilent “The Maj” Majority

Flubby

Will Leitch

Rob “Combudsman” Iracane

Dan Shanoff

Awful Announcing

Jamie Mottram

Dan “Steinz” Steinberg

J.E. Skeets

D.J. Gallo

We’re still hashing out the rules** for the league, so don’t ask. As for how you apply, the only rule is that there are no rules. You can submit an original pic, your shitty photoshop work, or even something you wrote. We don’t care what you send in, provided that it’s original and illustrates your badassery in some respectable manner.

Submit your artistry to kissingsuzykolber@gmail.com, and send as many entries as you want. The better entries will be posted here on our site. The best entry will get a team in our league. The shitty entries will earn you nothing but scorn.

So if you think you can hang with this cadre, get your entries into us by June 30.

**We ARE doing head-to-head scoring.

Oh c’mon, you didn’t expect us to take a week off without holding a little draft fun, now, did you? Lord knows you folks have earned it. Frankly, I’m stunned and delighted you folks cared that much. After all, reading KSK and NOT reading at all are fairly similar endeavors. To wormfather, otto man, grimey, and the rest of you fabulous KSK commenters out there, thanks for sticking around during a week where we were determined to not do anything at all.

This week’s draft: Bands You Would Like To Have Been The Frontman For. Yes, I just dangled a preposition. Suck my balls. The rules: You can pick any band from any spot in time. This may not be your favorite band, just the band that would promise the awesomest life experience should you be the lucky asshole who fronted it. You sung. And possibly played the lead guitar. You did all the coke. And you accidentally nailed all the tranny groupies. If your frontman died young, so did you. Hip hop bands welcome. No solo artists. Once you pick a band, you must wait 10 picks to select another.

My first pick, of course, is Led Zeppelin. They aren’t my favorite band. But who passes up the chance to violate women with a mud shark like Robert Plant did? No one, that’s who.

And if you can name the band above, you get to bypass the 10-choice rule to make your next pick. But beware: I’ll be picking them very soon. Because they fucking rule.

And if you pick REM, you are a fucking pussy.