I guess I should preface this by saying that, sincerely, I’m not a fascist person. I think a world where everyone is doing their own thing can wonderful, and can enrich everyone. It’s been said that our flaws are what make us beautiful, and no statement rings truer in my dainty ears.

That said, there are a bunch of assholes out there ruining this place for the rest of us. And most of those fuckheads are men. Yes, it’s regrettable that women out there have rights and stuff now. But that doesn’t grant you license to drag your feet through life like a little girl who just had her favorite doll chopped up in the lawn mower. Next time, don’t leave it laying in the yard, you big sissy.

YOU’RE A FUCKING MAN! Act like it. We’re all in this shitstorm together. If one of us fails in upholding the standards of manhood that took literally thousands of years to establish, WE ALL FAIL. No man is a fucking island. Yes, it’s a burden being the only gender that actually takes life seriously. If it was easy, anyone could sew on a dick and do it.

And that brings us to the scenario for this week’s Mock Draft…

A new dictatorship has just taken over America. And instead of this new government deciding to burden you with the complex annihilation of specific civil liberties (and the moral implications involved therein), the new regime has given you the easy job: refining the stronger half of the human race. You’re selecting one attribute or act that would identify any man half-assing his way through mandom. Anyone seen on the street engaged in this act will be hauled off and put out of his misery, thereby putting us out of ours. Anything that YOU identify as a red flag is in play.

(And please leave your historical precedents at the door; we’re just picking stuff that annoys us.)

My first selection is any man with an earring.

This isn’t even “rebellious in a conformist sort of way” anymore. It’s like stapling a dick to your face. What could this possibly add to your self image? “Dude, check it out! HOOPS!” Get fucked, Jo-Jo. Off to the guillotine with your sorry ass.

You’re in charge now. You know the rules. Get to work.