Halloween falls on a Saturday this year, which is tremendous when coupled with the coinciding occurrence of Daylight Savings Time. That’s an extra hour to sleep off all the drinking de los muertes before preparing for a day of sports-related drinking. And we’re counting on Halloween to be good, knowing full well that Fox is preparing to unleash the goddamn Favre Cam on us the following day. Continuing what has become a yearly tradition for us, we’ve compiled a list of costumes for NFL figures. Do enjoy.

Wes Welker — Sandpaper

Julian Edelman — Slightly shittier version of whatever Welker’s costume is

Jim Mora Sr. — Robert Novak

Aaron Rodgers — Vampire goth

Jay Cutler — Goth vampire

Josh McDaniels — Nazi Belichick (will attend with Prince Harry)

Rex Ryan – A play sheet that simply reads “BLITZ” in huge letters.

Owen Schmitt — Stone Cold Steve Austin from Wrestlemania 13 (for 12th year in a row)

Ben Roethlisberger – Good Humor man (”SORRY I ATED ALL THE CHOCO TACOS.”)

Dan Snyder — Waring Hudsucker (the dead version)

Darren Sproles — Tinkerbell

James Harrison — James Harrison

Braylon Edwards — NOT LEBRON JAMES!

Brady Quinn — Harvey Milk

Redskins fans — Ravens fans

Eli Manning — “A cowboy! No, a fireman! No, an astronaut! No, a dinosaur!” “A firefighting space cowboy that also happens to be a dinosaur!”

JaMarcus Russell – Funny hat (actual costumes require too much effort)

Miles Austin — Baraka

Pierre Garcon — Waiter

Brett Favre — a kid

Peyton Manning — Billy Mays

Ed Reed — Hamburger Helper Glove

Peter King — Clint Eastwood (only to find out the Clint Eastwood costume is only available in New York and LA)

Peter King’s backup plan — A chemist

Marty B – Jason Whitlock

Jason Whitlock — An oozing pumpkin

Jeff Garcia — Certainly not Zorro!

Matt Schaub — Street clothes (so normal!)

Joey Porter — Huckleberry Hound

Limas Sweed — Basketball hoop

Chris Cooley — Jeff Reed

Jeff Reed — Naked

Philip Rivers — Balloon boy

William Gay — Doormat

Justin Fargas — Ghost pigeon

Tom Brady — Don Draper

LenDale White — Jose Cuervo

Calvin Johnson — Slutty Megatron

Darrius Heyward-Bey – Invisible man

Michael Crabtree — Darrius Heyward-Bey

He doesn’t mow that field.  He cuts the grass. (Sometimes they let him paint the lines!)
He runs the hell out of a concession stand. He knows right way to top off a Pepsi so it doesn’t foam over the edge of the cup.
Every summer he helps the marching band raise money by eating their funnel cakes at the fair.
He spends his nights in a shed behind the field.
He “volunteers” at the weekly fish fry at the VFW post, but really he’s in it for the fry-batter.
He used to own a hound dog.  Used to…
The most expensive beer he drinks is Budweiser.
He did not purchase those shorts — he found them.
Though he has no children, he’s an avid supporter of the high school football team.
“You kids know about meth? I’ll tell ya about meth.”

I remember thinking that the best things about New York’s Super Bowl run was the fact that Tiki Barber had absolutely nothing to do with the team’s ultimate success. Knowing that his team excelled once he fled the Meadowlands for Rockefeller Plaza probably left gregarious insufferably douchey commentator with a touch of melancholy (and hopefully some infinite sadness).

So Tiki, how do you feel now that your team has achieved in your absence what they never could with you present?

“I feel great joy for them because I know in a lot of ways I helped a lot of guys on that team,” Barber said. “I know Brandon was someone who benefited from me being there; even criticizing someone is a way of getting them to think about themselves.”

But that’s not all!

Thanks to our unprecedented access to the world’s foremost taint sniffing omelet flippers we were able to learn a lot more about Tiki’s history of boosting greatness…

-I’m not saying I was at Normandy beach, but those guys know I was there in spirit.

-I had lunch with Obama once, and I think that really opened his eyes to what hope and change can achieve.

-Lisa Gherardini was Da Vinci’s subject, but I was his muse.

-I taught Alicia Keys everything she knows about proper moisturizing.

-Al Gore invented the internet, but I invented Al Gore.

-Women didn’t swoon over Matty Lauer until I took him to a proper tailor.

-You know all of those good plays Ronde made this year? Well that was me.

-I taught Gilbert Arenas the proper shaving technique.

-In the summertime, my vaguely unsettling easygoing personality repels mosquitoes.

-I’m glad Tiger listened when I told him he had a shot to win at Dubai.

-Few people know that the Treaty of Versailles had a ghostwriter.

-I approached Alexander Parkes at his graduation party and uttered one word, “plastics.”

-I told that guy that shooting up the Super Bowl would be an error in judgement.

-I showed Saddam where to hide the WMDs.

-Woody was just some Catskills hack until I handed him my philosophy textbook.

-Women wearing ties? Not before I got in Diane Keaton’s ear.

-The ratings for the Super Bowl were so good because I personally turned on every TV in America.

-One time I was hangin’ with Gandhi and I was like, “dude, you need to lose some weight.”

Thanks, Tiki!

via Awful Announcing

38. Dave Rosenthal I can’t believe this isn’t a big story. I mean, we should be 19-0, but the NFL hates that Pats, so instead we have to go through this the rest of our lives knowing we got gypped.

193. John Vairo I would like to call out all the hypocritical Giants’ fans here. If you think you’re so amazing, then why are you so afraid to possibly play another game? According to you, the Super Bowl is more important than any other game. So if you were so “dominant” in this “fixed” game, why are you so afraid to replay 2 minutes of a game or even a whole additional game? You talk so high and mighty like you’re the greatest team ever, but then hide in the corner, content with the excuse of “Well, we won. It doesn’t matter if it was fixed or not.” I strongly encourage the commissioner of the NFL to investigate this matter, because to not, would destroy the integrity of the game, and will make me stop watching the NFL from now on, because it is clearly fixed.

Stunning, isn’t it? You wouldn’t think that one group of people could reach suchs high levels of both arrogance and insecurity simultaneously. It’s the sort of thing anthropologists will study years from now, asking themselves, “How was such douchebaggery enabled in a civilized society?” Alas, I do not know the answer. I wish I did. I really, really do. So we at KSK felt naturally obligated to sign the petition as well. Here were our sentiments.

1116. Obill Bin Cheetin All my internet warriors. Stay in cave. We weather storm together. Camel lick raw butt. We be better in no time.

1163. Matt Walsh I am filming all of you signing this.

We encourage you to sign it as well. Show these Pats fans that you support them. They need you. BECAUSE THEY ARE FUCKING LOSERS WHO CANNOT GET OVER ANY SLIGHT THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO THEM, BE IT REAL OR IMAGINARY. We’ll post the best ones here. Please note you can sign it many times over!

UPDATE: Here are some good ones:

1152. Teddy Bruschi’s Skull Clot I’ll be back and so will the…….*thud*

1294. hines ward prease lepray superbewrr. praxico is tarr leceivel but i win superbewrr without him! i hate praxico! he no make me smerre.

UPDATE: Oh noes! They’re brought out the Powerpoint presentations! Non-calls, of course, means cheating by the other team!

Anyhoo, reader Mamacita was kind enough to pass along this link to Project Redlight, which is Radar magazine’s contest to pitch the worst movie idea you possibly can. Jesus, we at KSK were BORN for this contest. I myself have written no less than four terrible screenplays. One was about a fireman who gets accidentally reunited with a son of his that was born after raping a woman he rescued. It was not a comedy. You don’t want to read it.

Another one was about a boy who could fly. That one was crazy gay. Then there was my treatment for a holiday fable entitled, “The Christmas Orc”. Hey, there are elves at the North Pole. What if there were orcs too? It’s “Santa Claus: The Movie” meets “The Two Towers”! All in stop-motion animation! We could have the queer who made “Nightmare Before Christmas” do it! The dipshits at Ain’t It Cool News would write a glowing 10,000-word review of it, 9,500 of which would detail how they got to the theater!

Anyway, those ideas aside, we at KSK brainstormed some of our bestest movie ideas evar. Here is what we came up with:

-Joe Namath biopic starring Jake Gyllenhaal

-Andy Dick biopic

-”SSW: The Motion Picture”

-”Shrek the Third 2″

-10-hour documentary on the Jesus Twins

-A tennis academy full of midgets

-”Riding In Cars With Boys 2,” starring Brady Quinn

-“The Amy Winehouse Story,” starring Tracy Morgan

-Remake of “Fraternity Vacation” starring Breckin Meyer

-“The Maroon 5 Story”

-A smack addled privileged young chimp finds love in an upscale California rehab center/spa/dianetics center falls in love with Lindsay Lohan (playing herself) after a romp in the broom closet. It is the single dirtiest sex scene in cinematic history. Robin Williams and Charlize Theron are attached as the chimp’s parents.

-“Baby Geniuses 3,” starring Ted McGinley!

-“Joe Theismann’s Tourgasm”

-“Alien vs. Predator vs. Abbot vs. Costello”

-“Ron Paul’s Dracula”

-“K Street: The Motion Picture”

-Will Leitch in “Lose Ben Stein’s Money, And Your Fiancee”

-What about a pregnant lesbian that can no longer play acoustic guitar after losing her hand in a deforestation protest involving a wood chipper that has to fight for her baby’s well being atop Mt. Everest?

-“NFL Draft The Movie”

-“Don’t Tase Me Bro: the Musical”

-Another Paul Thomas Anderson film that isn’t “Boogie Nights”

-”My Life As A Teenage Assistant Manager”

-“Clint Evans: A Life”

-”Wasssssssup! The Movie!”

-”Arabian Night Rider”

-”See, my – my theory is that all the characters ARE Hamlet! It’s all happening in Hamlet’s head! So you only need ONE actor!”

-“Small Wonder: V.I.C.I. Grows Up”

-James Woods is… Pinnochio!

-A remake of “Eyes Wide Shut” (it’s been long enough!)

-Jack Nicholson, Mickey Rooney, and George Takei in “The Lemon Party”!

-”Die Hard”, on a carousel!

-Britney Spears in “Strip Tease II: Give Me Some Money And I’ll Put the Clothes Back On”

-A horror movie about Bads Newz Kennelz! It’s “Jaws” meets “Tales from the Hood”!

-“The Virgin Diaries,” a biopic centering on the life and career of AC Green. It’s “40 Year Old Virgin” meets “Basketball Diaries!”

-“The Isiah Trial.” It’s “Disclosure” meets “Asstraffic.com”!

-Modern version of “Mein Kampf” starring Bill Simmons

-”The Dickens Cider House Rules”

-Merchant-Ivory biopic. The story of how boring melodramas were made

That’s all we got. Yours in the comments.

NOTE: UM is forgoing his normal gambling post this morning to write a Sean Taylor tribute for the weekend. You’ll have to make your retarded wagers on your own.

KSK Reader Raphael was good enough to send us this Hi-Def screen grab of Peyton Manning on the bench in the midst of the Colts’ loss to San Diego on Sunday. Yes, we’re still talking about the Sunday night game, especially since last night’s game was like watching painted grass drying, while growing. Anyway, we’ve decided to open this up to the floor. The ground rules:

1) No references to AIDS, the jungle, or sub-Saharan Africa, and
2) Just kidding, there are no ground rules.

We’ll kick it off, then you can slice like a fucking hammer in the comments.

“Hey, Jim. Jimmy. Jimmy! Do I have anything in my teeth?”

He: (walks into my office without knocking, like an asshole) Hey [Punter],

Me: (actually trying to get some work done) Yeah? What’s up?

He: Settle this arguement Punjab and I were having. Punjab says Halloween is not an actual holiday and I say it is. What do you–

Me: Go punch the clown, Chad. Shithead.

He: No, seriously, it’s gotta be a real–

Me: Did we get the day off?

He: Uh…Well, no, but–

Me: Is this a day where it is socially permissible to consume alcohol as soon as I wake up?

He: (frustrated) No, but…

Me: But what, Chad?

He: …But we have the costume contest in the break room after lunch.

Me: Why don’t you and Punjab just skip the contest and consummate your relationship in the broom closet and maybe he’ll buy you that new iPhone you wanted.

He: (leaves)

Yeah, so unless you’re under 15 or someone close to you is sacrificing their abode for a midweek opportunity to get smashed, this day really has very little to offer you. I’ll be doing well to catch a peek of a slutty pirate making their way down Main Street. Henceforth, we present the Second Annual KSK Halloween Kostume Bukkake, where we pick the outfits that we’d have our (least) favorite NFL personalities wearing on All Hallow’s Eve. We’ll get you started–yes, we listed a couple guys twice–and we look forward to your contributions in the comments:

Chris Cooley (pictured)- Slutty Nurse

Norv Turner – Edward James Olmos

Joe Gibbs – Marty Schottenheimer

San Diego Chargers – New Orleans Saints

Orlando Pace – 1950 Ford Edsel

Reggie Wayne – Detective Ricardo Tubbs

Jeff Garcia – Templeton from Charlotte’s Web

Eli Manning – Peyton Manning

Archie Manning – Peyton Manning

Peyton Manning – Olivia Manning

Jeremy Shockey – Amy Winehouse

Chad Pennington – Reed Richards

Jim Sorgi – Matt Ufford

Bill Belichick – Allen Funt

Daniel Snyder – Frodo Baggins

Mike Holmgren – William Howard Taft

Quincy Carter – Eddie Murphy’s character from 48 Hours

T. J. Houshmanzadeh – Eddie Murphy’s character in Coming To America

Jeff Garcia – Eddie Murphy offering rides home for the “girls”

Ben Roethlisberger – Placido Polanco

Mike Ditka – Joseph Stalin

Brady Quinn – Sarah Jessica Parker

Julius Jones – Thing 2

Mike Vrabel – Jake Gyllenhaal

Jeff George – Uncle Rico from Napoleon Dynamite

Matt Leinart – Glenn Quagmire

Larry Fitzgerald – Matt Leinart

Roger Goodell – Richard M. Nixon

Gene Upshaw – Kunta Kinte

Jon Kitna – Larry The Cable Guy

Herm Edwards – Worf

Tom Coughlin – Tom Coughlin

Kellen Clements – Baby Jesus

Purple Jesus – A grape-flavored deity of his choice

Peter King – Deanna Favre

Chad Johnson — Keyshawn Johnson

Vinny Testeverde – A styrofoam cup in a landfill

Before we close out the week, it’s only fair to show you a behind-the-scenes glimpse of this humble blog’s inner dealings.

A couple nights ago, our blog’s fantasy football contest winner and resident shiksa Sarah Schorno sent us this humble and (seemingly) simple request:

Hey guys,

- Sarah

Needless to say; this was a wonderful idea on her part. I mean, we’re creative! Flubby even quipped, “If only there was a ribald word that rhymed with ‘Schorno…’” Unfortunately, as the list below would indicate, that was as clever as the naming session would get, as we proceed to make the people that tried to name their kid “4real” look like a couple of Rhodes scholars.

You know, sometimes we hit gold when we throw something up here. Sometimes we don’t. But keep in mind for every crappy Packers preview that you (can’t) read in this space, there are scores of passages, fake interviews, and gimmickry that even we couldn’t stomach seeing here.

Anyway, the list of suggested column names. Enjoy your weekend and the games.

Thanks For the Mammaries

Sarah Plain and LOL

Why did I decide to make this list? Why would I rank the 500 best things things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway? Well, you probably don’t care, but I’m going to tell you anyway.

You see, I woke up in the middle of the night wondering, “What do people want to know less about me? The details of my bowel movements, or the sexual positions I use to help my wife conceive?” Ever since that happened, I’ve been unable to think about anything else. So I told coaches and GM’s around the league the list wanted to make, and they all thought it was stupid and senseless. So did my editors. And my friends. In fact, it was readily apparent that this would negatively affect both my professional credibility and my relationships with professional contacts. That’s when I knew I had to do it.

What were my criteria? Did I take a scientific approach and use stats to make my case? Did I base it on each topic’s past accomplishments, or its potential for the future? Did I poll other people and use their votes? Kind of! In fact, I took every step to make it as arbitrary as possible, because that way everyone enters into hopelessly boring and pointless conversations about it.

Without further ado, here are the 500 best things you don’t want to hear from me that I’m going to tell you anyway.

1. Last week I let my wife defecate on my chest. It was a pretty intimate moment.
2. I’ll occasionally get coffee from other cafes besides Starbucks, but familiar name brands make me feel safer.
3. I like the Red Sox!
4. During air travel, I break wind as our plane taxis onto the runway. Instant conversation starter.
5. On Monday night I took in a Madonna concert. She may be a controversial performer, but she’s definitely still got it.
6. Tony Romo’s cock is beautifully curved. Really, it has the size and shape of a jumbo summer sausage.
7. I have this old Underwood typewriter that I keep in the attic. It types in cursive, and the lowercase Q looks enough like a weathered clitoris to give me an erection.
8. Andy Rooney is the sharpest journalist in the country, hands-down.
9. The worst thing about maintaining a healthy diet so I can be less obese? No more deep-fried butter sticks. Heavenly when dipped in mayonnaise.
10. Finally got around to watching Beverly Hills Cop. I can’t say I liked that Axel Foley’s attitude one bit.

11. I had a layover in Omaha on my way out to the Raiders’ training camp. That was where I saw a teenage boy, maybe 14 or 15, wearing an earring! Can you believe it? Where were his parents?
12. Middle-school girls’ softball games can get awfully competitive.
13. I love being a part of the Sunday Night Football crew, but I wish I could get a suit with an elastic waistband.
14. Dippin’ Dots, the ice cream of the future? You better believe it.
15. If you ask me, Lady is the tramp.
16. Kids these days!
17. I didn’t want to ever have to say this, but I think President Bush could have done a better job with the war in Iraq.
18. Sometimes when I’m bored, I like to slap my scrotum repeatedly with a wooden salad spoon. One time, it sounded just like the drum solo from Wipe Out. I wish had that on my iPod.
19. Everyone knows saliva makes a passable personal lubricant, but it’s more effective if you can get some nasal mucus in there.
20. Have you heard about HBO’s show “Real Sex”? It’s wild!

21. Keep an eye on NBC’s documentary series “The Office.” Michael Scott’s managerial skills tell me he’s going places.
22. Did you know that the Newark Star-Ledger has baseball box scores from West Coast games in its late morning edition? Let’s see the Internet do that.
23. At a recent Josh Groban concert, I saw someone smoking what I believe was a marihuana cigarette. I sent a letter to the Department of Homeland Security. They’ll know what to do.
24. My pick for key fantasy star this week? LaDainian Tomlinson.
25. If I had to choose between eating a pound of your standard brown defecation or a teaspoon of that weird green stuff I get the morning after Indian food and six Sam Adams Winter Ales, I’d have a tough decision on my hands.
26. I think this might really be Brett Favre’s last year, but you never know. When I talked to him last week, I could see in his soft brown eyes that he just loves playing the game of football.
27. It’s never too early in life to check yourself for testicular cancer.
28. If Barry Bonds actually took steroids, I don’t think his record should count.
29. Who’s got the best condiment bar in the league? I’ll take Heinz Field every time.
30. Am I really the only guy who wishes he could lactate?

31. I wish onions had a juice.
32. I don’t understand why they’re always putting out new editions of the encyclopedia. My 1986 World Book collection stands the test of time.
33. When it comes to linebackers, the best out there are Brian Urlacher, Paul Posluszny, and Chad Greenway. There’s just something about them.
34. Jack Parr could write a joke about zone blocking that would really make you think.
35. I just can’t believe how good U2 is. Every album is better than the last.
36. If you ask me, nothing beats a good wipe with Charmin White Ultra Aloe — the double rolls are a must.
37. I’m not one to speak ill of others, but The Coffee Beanery funds terrorist training camps.
38. Each football season, I make it a personal goal never to defecate during the Giants’ bye week.
39. You have to admire the way the Red Sox have bounced back this season. Anyone else get the feeling that Curt Schilling has taught Josh Beckett something about winning?
40. Have you tried this Marshmellow Fluff? It’s not only delicious, but for my money, it’s a great home remedy for hemorrhoids.

41. The ficus is our greatest potted plant.
42. Sometimes I picture myself on those airline safety pamphlets chasing the other people around the plane with a Swiss Army Knife.
43. Professional wrestling just isn’t believable these days.
44. Aggravating Travel Note of the Week: What’s with all these lady drivers?
45. Thanks to John Derrick of Butte, Montana. You’re right: the reuben at Beth’s Roadside Diner totally gets rid of that semen aftertaste.
46. One of Mike Tyson’s turds got sold for $31 on eBay. I may never have to work again.
47. Why do snack machines sell things for 85 cents? Who carries that kind of change?
48. New favorite iPod feature: shuffle.
49. Paula Cole, I’d like you to meet Tony Romo.
50. I did an interview with an Internet “weblog” called The Big Lead. That fella sure knows his movies!

(There’s the first 50. Let’s hear the other 450 in the comments.)

Anyhoo, while composing my board, I got the idea that we needed a genuine fantasy board, one that had actual fantasies on it. So the KSK Voltron assembled, and these were the fantasies that spurted out. Consider these the innermost fantasies of our collective subconscious. I have ranked them in some particular order. You can probably tell which ones are Ufford’s.

-Everything Steve Martin wishes for in the above video
-Scarlett Johansson naked in a plastic kiddie pool full of baby oil
-Year long NFL season, which subsequently bankrupts all other sports
-Sitting in a comfortable chair with a tub of popcorn as I watch commenters drown
-Three shelves of single malt scotch and bourbon, a crystal rocks glass, and an ice box
-A summer home on Lake Washington in Seattle. A winter home on South Beach
-Sea Gals out of hot water, can they use my shower?
-Tonight’s draft lasts less than four hours
-A license to kill
-The ability to piss pure Yuengling
-Magic Carpet, with complementary harem
-A leather jacket that makes its own milk!
-That dinosaurs would roam the earth once more
-Flatter abs, bigger biceps, wider shoulders, two more inches to my height and length
-The ability to tan
-The ability to shit greenbacks
-Fucking flying, bitches
-An end to baseball bloggers emailing us their stupid shit
-Being hired by Josh Homme to front Queens of the Stone Age
-Tenure at Arizona State
-My own personal M1A1 tank (with full-time crew)
-Teleportation
-A Suburban like Laurence Maroney’s
-Large piranha tank
-Optional vampirism
-Pet dingo
-World class opera singing ability
-A gong to voice my displeasure
-The Royal Shakespeare Company available at my beck and call to act my favorite movie and TV scenes
-Have my seminal fluid taste like grape jelly
-The collective burning of every New Found Glory CD
-A request from the President to design an aggressive euthanasia program. Say goodbye, hobos and retards and fat chicks!
-Operation Ivy League Human Shield in Iraq
-That Man Vs. Wild Was REAL, dammit!
-Bill O’Reilly blinded by a sudden burst of understanding like in The Allegory of the Cave
-A microwave burrito so hot even God couldn’t eat it
-Bakula-like ability to Quantum Leap into certain people at certain points in time, including the guy who was in Jenna Jameson’s first sex scene
-Tequila bender with Mel Gibson
-Posts that write themselves
-KSK bought by Rupert Murdoch for $5 billion
-Free reign to paddle Kim Kardashian on the ass with a tennis racket
-Replacements tour
-A magical remote control to turn up the funny on certain Deadspin commenters
-Some really, really good nachos that never congeal, get soggy, or get cold
-Cameo in a Sam Peckinpaugh film
-Pillow fight with Keeley Hazell

Actually, flying belongs at the top. But that would involve some semblance of effort. And if I have one true fantasy, it’s to never have to make any sort of effort whatsoever