The Redskins know how to pick ‘em. Cody Glenn, the fifth-round pick of the Washington Redskins, was suspended for three games last season as a member of the Nebraska Cornhuskers for an unspecified offense. When asked about the issue on a conference call Glenn told reporters the suspension was punishment for scalping tickets. Yeah, that wasn’t true. Glenn has admitted that he was lying about the reason for the suspension, but he still hasn’t provided the actual reason which leaves us to speculate wildly. Like hey, maybe he shoved an un-shucked cob up Herbie Husker’s cornhole. But is that really worth a three-game suspension? I’m pretty sure that’s an unofficial tradition in Lincoln. [Washington Post]

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

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I’m sorry, but my only feelings on the potential trade involving Jay Cutler, Jason Cambpell, and a first round pick or three can only be articulated after the jump.

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The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

REDSKINS LAY OFF 20 PEOPLE. And Cerrato somehow survived. Actually, only two of the dismissals were on the football side. Either way, don’t listen to the village dipshits that point to this as a sign of the economy. Okay, maybe Snyder’s wiping his ass with 10s instead of 20s these days, but my inner skeptic tells me that this has less to do with paying the bills and more to do with the likelihood paying an inflated tax bill, once a certain president-elect starts work 11 days from now.

[Yahoo]

Make no bones about it: Washington, D.C. is an ugly city.  Oh, not the city itself — L’Enfant’s vision for a noble capital city is wonderfully realized with wide avenues and stately marble buildings.  I’m talking about the people.

The old saw of “Hollywood for Ugly People” is all too true.  The only people who might be superficially attractive there are the collar-popping set: uptight bitches in pearls and cocky jackasses in the douchebag uniform of khakis, blue blazers, and floppy “punch-me” haircuts.  Want an idea of how ugly DC is without the eyesore of going there?  It has the highest percentage of sports bloggers per capita of any major American city.

Oh yeah, DC: you ugly.  You ain’t got no alibi.

All this makes the existence of the Redskins Cheerleaders that much more remarkable.  They are wildflowers growing through the cracked asphalt of a vacant lot.  Like the duck-billed platypus, they are mysteries of nature, miracles of evolution, creatures too confounding and perfect for scientists to explain.  And there’s a whole lotta evidence of that after the jump.

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Yep, Jim Zorn was in rare form after the Redskins win over the Lions yesterday afternoon, especially when he misunderstood an a question from Ryan O’Halloran of the Washington Times.

Take that shit back to your conservative bosses and ask them how it feels to suffer from the wrath of the Zorn! Continue after the jump for the rest of the untelevised exchange

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I’m not one of those reactionary Redskins fans, or one to go over the top in my reaction to a big win, but I think it’s about time we gas up the bandwagon and plan the trip to Tampa Bay. Continue after the jump for a clinical and reserved analysis of what we learned in yesterday’s win of the millennium at Dallas Stadium.

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Oddly enough, only one of these guys is one of the schmucks in question.

When Dan Snyder announced his takeover of DC’s SportsTalk 980 I knew we were in a shitload of trouble. Just two weeks into the season Mr. Snyder, unhappy with the negative tone of the local media, inserted his own right-hand-man Vinny Cerrato into the station’s lineup. So now the Redskins Executive Vice President of Football Operations (basically a castrated GM) gets to play radio host a couple of times a week in an attempt to skew the coverage back towards the positive along with Snyder-approved guests like the loathsome George Michael.

Needless to say, nobody in their right mind thought this was anything close to a good idea. And not just because the guy running the team should probably have something better to do with his afternoons than to shill for his own franchise, instead it’s because everybody knows that Vinny Cerrato is a worthless prick.

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This is Jenny, she’ll be handling things from here.

Dear Coach Zorn,

We know that it was just one game, but you just aren’t bringing the sexy. Do you see Jenny up there? She’s one of our amazing cheerleaders, and she’ll be running the offense from now on. Of course you’re still welcome to stick around and impart your wisdom on the quarterbacks, but right now we really need a sexier option at the helm. That game you called last night? That was about as sexy as a homeless guy bathing himself on the sidewalk. Do we know whether or not Jenny actually knows anything about football? Absolutely not, but for whatever reason we have an incredible amount of faith in her abilities, whatever those might be.

Just in case Jenny struggles to call plays for Jason Campbell we’ve set her up with the sexiest group of assistant coaches the league has ever seen (take that, mid-nineties Packers!). Meet Jenny’s support staff after the jump, and don’t forget to bring your support staff if you know what I mean. I mean your cock.
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