Wooftastic derpfest, all around. Between Steelers-Colts and tonight’s game, this was a banner week for closely contested football of extremely poor quality in primetime. We are a nation in need of flex.

For our three hours of viewership, we were awarded with nine field goals, four turnovers and a touchdown pass in the flat to Tim Hightower that was still almost dropped. Oh, and an inexhaustible amount of Tony Romo fluffing. Yes, yes, the ESPN booth is packed to the gills with starf*ckers, so we shouldn’t be surprised. But the herculean lengths that Jaws went to to excuse Romo for every Cowboys mistake. He wouldn’t even try that hard to save his family from a burning building. Unless Romo accidentally started the fire and Jaws didn’t want Romo blamed for any fatalities. Possibly then.

Let’s use for an example, say, an underthrown ball in the end zone to Marty B. Marty is covered by a DB at least eight inches shorter than him. Rather than throw a jump ball, Romo tries to drill it in Bennett’s chest.

SPIN IT JAWS: “Martellus Bennett simply has to anticipate that his quarterback is suffering from a rib injury and is therefore unlikely to get the ball where it needs to be. Disappointing effort there by the tight end.”

AND THIS 30 SECONDS OF CRAZY STRAW QUAFFING FROM ROMO’S URETHRA WHEN THE COWBOYS TOOK THE LEAD! NOT ONE SOLITARY TOUCHDOWN SCORED! AND YET THIS! GAHHHHHHHH!

I will grant that not every mistake was on Romo. See? Fairness! Phil Costa is already being mishandled into an unmarked grave outside Cowboys Stadium. We will forever remember the best two-yard gain ever, however. Your legacy lives on, Costa.

Anyway, back to Romo and how odious he is. OH THE MATURITY! OUTWARDLY BLAMING HIS TEAMMATES ON NEAR PEYTON-ESQUE LEVELS! WAH WAH WAHHHHH!

If only you’d have had one more drive in you, Rexy. Or one fewer fumble. Either way, this will probably trigger a sequence of events that leads to John Beck starting miserably in a few weeks, because, as we know, nothing fun can stay.

What’s this? Actual roster moves being made? It’s as though an agonizing labor standoff has just been mercifully curtailed. Funny thing, that.

But it’s true! There was news being broken (news is very fragile and we must treat it with more care) yesterday that actually affects how teams will fare on the field. THE VERY THOUGHT! The news wasn’t even fixated on how shares of mountains of money will be dispersed among players and owners and agents and Ticketmaster and bartenders and retard bloggers because of your unhealthy obsession with the NFL. It was actually about football!

But what? What were the first ripples of activity before the upcoming melee of overspending? Just follow the bold, my friends.

The Ravens cut Willis McGahee, noted Ray Rice touchdown vulture and next notch below Antonio Cromartie on the illegitimate child generator power rankings. This was not a surprise, as McGahee has sucked pretty hard for some time. What was a surprise was that the Ravens also cut Joe Flacco’s safety blanket, Derrick Mason, along with fat white guy Kelly Gregg and very-popular-in-Baltimore white guy Todd Heap. Some have speculated that this is because the Ravens are making a play for Nnamdi Asomugha in free agency. If true, between that and the Boldin acquisition last year, the Ravens might soon be posing a challenge to the Redskins’ status as perennial Offseason Champs. Also, it’s possible that Gregg, Heap and Mason will all be back in Baltimore at a lower cost, which will have proven that the players fought long and hard to return to being easily disposable chattel.

A lot of undrafted free agents were signed. Or agreed to terms to be signed. Or some other arcane phrasing. It won’t really matter except for the one or two of these players who happen to be breakout stars down the line. These will occasion analysts to glibly mock the other 31 teams for not drafting them or somehow knowing that success would come. What’s that? You didn’t guess that his two-touchdown game against ECU presaged certain superstardom? YOU CLOD!

One of the players signed last night was trill-as-it-gets Florida safety Will Hill, who landed with the Redskins and is likely to soon begin engaging in a lengthy prostitute plank war in Thomas Circle with Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee.

Jim Irsay indicated that there exists a price he will not exceed for Peyton Manning. This is a bold thing to say, even for the desperately suicidal. Does he not know that the Fat Humps are prepared to sacrifice everything, to pay whatever price is demanded of them, to ignore as many as one fourthmeal, so that they can enjoy seeing Pey-Pey flinch horribly and toss mercy picks once he’s contacted? If there’s an amount needed to secure the future of a 35-year-old quarterback, you pay it. You don’t ask questions. Because Steak ‘n Shake doesn’t do menu changes.

But your honor, training camp is really important. It’s crucial that I be free to get in shape while bonding with my teammates and coaches. Punish me however you see fit, but if you have any compassion whatsoever please don’t take away these four days of conditioning and practice. I will leave you with my business card in case you need to reach me directly with regards to the trial schedule.

/gropes judge’s breast

The Redskins are holding another round of player-only minicamps, and now MacGruber John Beck is taking things really seriously. As you can see above (courtesy of @Rich_Campbell), Beck has taken things a step further. The man who is certain to take over as the team’s starting quarterback by sheer force of positive will has enlisted the help of a friend whose job it is to record the proceedings. Because John Beck is a LEADER OF MEN, and filming fake practices screams of leadership and other intangible qualities that will make the Shanahan duo swoon.

But what about the those rookies who haven’t been able to make it to Loudoun County for these crucial exercises? Easy. John Beck is scouting them. On their YouTubes, naturally.

Quarterback John Beck says he wants to know as much as he can about Robinson and all of Washington’s offensive rookies, so he has been scouting them on YouTube. When Robinson stepped on the field Tuesday, Beck said he felt as if he already knew a little about the 5-foot-10, 184-pound receiver.

“I actually watched his Youtube last night,” Beck said. “I hadn’t seen him yet, so I was like, ‘OK, let’s see what we’ve got.’ That’s the nice thing about YouTube. You can learn a lot.”

In addition to learning some of Robinson’s tendencies, Beck said he was able to educate himself on running back Evan Royster’s resume by watching the Penn State product’s YouTube highlight reel.

“I had no idea Evan Royster was the all-time leading rusher in Penn State history,” Beck said with a laugh. “I watched his YouTube and then his draft-day [highlights]. So, today I was like ‘Hey man, congrats, that’s pretty sweet! I had no idea.’

You know what else is pretty sweet? Highlight packages set to Drowning Pool’s greatest hit(s). That’s how you learn about your teammates. Well that and watching shaky footage of glorified Turkey Bowl practices, of course. John Beck may never become the Redskins actual quarterback, but he’s well on his way to becoming a pretty average video coordinator.

John Beck scouting Redskins teammates on YouTube

This guy is stumping to be the starting quarterback for the Redskins. And you know what, he’ll probably get his wish. After all, Shanny is clearly ready to start tanking for the next Elway. Don’t be surprised when they let Carlos Rogers go and replace him with a scarecrow.

The discussion of whether or not a certain human being is “black enough” is really quite disgusting. There’s nothing more pathetic or sad to me than to see historically disenfranchised people fighting over exactly how entitled one could be to grievance or validation within their own societal subset.

Is George Lopez not “Mexican” enough because he doesn’t climb under a fence to reach his talk show studio? Did Hollywood kill off Marilyn Monroe by pointing out a Scratch-N-Sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool? Did the Teletubbies ever reject potential bretheren for lack of prominent cranial antennae?

Actually, they probably did. Fascist fleecy bastards.

Bernard Hopkins, noted authority on blackness, took umbrage with Redskins quarterback Donovan McNabb because…well, nobody’s really sure.

Said Hopkins, via the Phillynews.com: “He’s got a suntan. That’s all.”[..]

“Why do you think McNabb felt he was betrayed?” Because McNabb is the guy in the house, while everybody else is on the field,” Hopkins said. “He’s the one who got the extra coat. The extra servings. ‘You’re our boy.’ He thought he was one of them.”

“McNabb? Great. Skills? Throw the ball? Great,” Hopkins said. “But there was something missing. Vick? He understands. And T.O. – same cloth.” Via.

Something missing? Because McNabb’s uniform pants weren’t hanging off his ass when he threw 14 touchdowns last season?

It wasn’t like McNabb wasn’t called a n—–efarious individual. In fact, he was called the opposite, which, I guess, is supposed to be worse? This may be apples and oranges here; the former suggests relegation to a primitive archetype while the latter seemingly denounces one’s inclusion from it. Does one require possession of blackness to claim the centuries-old estate of hardship, discrimination and inhumanity? Hopkins may as well have asked to see McNabb’s birth certificate.

I’ve been told, both explicitly and otherwise, that a person never understand this because I’m pigmentally challenged. In a progressive culture hellbent on scrubbing out most of society’s archaic mores and taboos, the idea of blackness remains. And occasionally pulsates through the discourse like bass from a subwoofer in the car next to yours at a red light. Oh, hello there, disparaging racial commentary. Would you mind turning your fucking music down?

But taken from a different angle, the renown fighter might actually be onto something. McNabb has left the old __ of what blackness was perceived to be, and, if you’ll permit the expression, busted a serious cap in its ass. Indeed, we don’t think of Donovan McNabb as a black quarterback, but as a shitty quarterback. Even if his achievements on the field haven’t been worth celebrating, maybe his mere presence there, even now, should be.

Dick joke.

Fat Albert appeared on 106.7 The Fan’s Kevin And Rock Show to clear some things up, primarily that he was not hungover during Friday’s practice, and that he’s here to play football. The transcribed quotes come from SBN’s Mike Prada.

UPDATE BELOW

“It’s too much stuff going on right now, too much stuff that doesn’t have anything to do with football going on. It’s just ridiculous. Let’s just concentrate on playing football, because this is what we’re paid to do, and win games. “I hope it’s what everyone else wants, but it’s just all the other kid games that’s going on that’s making me sick. I’m sick about it.”

He’s so goddamn sick about it that he’s decided to not show up for work today.

“I’m not going into the office tomorrow. I’m still heated over this. I just got sick of it.”

Come on, guys. All he wants to do is concentrate on football, and he can’t do that if you keep pressuring him to show up on time and put forth a legitimate effort.

Haynesworth also commented on his teammates penchant for going to the media with their complaints, namely Philip Daniels.

“I think they’re cowards, and I think that if they have something to say, they should say it to my face, instead of being cowards and running to the media to try to blast me behind my back.”

He does have a bit of a point here. Redskins fans love to glorify the careers of our heroes, but how would Washington Post readers react if they saw quotes like these showing up in print back in the 80′s?

During one team meeting, the players heard a strange noise from inside the locker room, like the sound you hear when it just starts to pour rain. They glanced in the back and there was a groggy Riggins, lying on his back, his pants pulled down, peeing straight into the air all over himself. Gibbs and the poor coaching staff always looked the other way with Riggo, as long as he was coherent on Sundays, but this seemed a little much … and yet the coaching staff never did anything. “They always looked the other way with him,” said May. “It just wasn’t Gibbs’s nature to constantly battle with a player like that.”

Oh hell, they’d probably love it.

UPDATE: The Redskins suspended Haynesworth for the rest of the year. Mike Shanahan released the following statement.

“Despite the club’s numerous attempts to persuade Albert Haynesworth to abide by the terms of his contract, he has repeatedly refused to cooperate with our coaching staff in a variety of ways over an extended period of time. Among other things, he has consistently indicated to our defensive coaches that he refuses to play in our base defense or on first-down or second-down nickel situations. He has also refused to follow the instructions of our coaches both during weekly practices and during actual games as well.

“Yesterday, when Albert was at Redskin Park, he told our General Manager Bruce Allen that he [Haynesworth] would no longer speak with me. Although suspending any player is not a decision that a head coach enters into lightly, I believe the situation has reached the point where the club clearly has no alternative.”

That’ll teach him for granting an interview to the team’s rival radio station.

John Feinstein, in an opinion given a startling amount of serious attention, found racist coding in the many inane excuses Mike Shanahan used for justifying his benching of Donovan McNabb in the final two minutes against the Lions. No, no, NO! How could Feinstein be so misguided? Shahahan doesn’t dislike McNabb because he’s black. Shanahan is just an asshole who mistreats every quarterback who isn’t Elway. Race is why Philly fans hated him.

Oh, calm down, Philly scum, I’m just cruelly baiting you.

Still, there’s no outcome that doesn’t lead to unbearable media reaction. Even with the new ludicrous contract, a Redskins win means sanctimonious writers like Feinstein get to obtusely claim how racism has been proven wrong yet again. An Eagles win gives occasion to thousands of smug Philly writers to try to smugly explain how McNabb losing justifies the city’s retarded obsession with hating his guts. All the more reason to silently resent the media borg I have allowed to assimilate me.

Don’t forget to while away the pregame with this week’s edition of The Designed Rush at SB Nation.

I can honestly say that today is one of the greatest days in Redskins offseason history. This totally makes up for Bruce Smith, Deion Sanders, Dana Stubblefield, Adam Archuleta, and all of the others. The Sex Cannon is a Redskin.