I support making the Football Solstice a recognized holiday with its own set of debauched rituals. However, given that the day after the Super Bowl is still a regular workday, it’s probably pretty far down the docket. Just get the greeting card industry in on the ground floor. We’ll have this as a federal holiday within a year.

- Brady child number three on the way! Second with Gisele if you’re keeping score. This one is definitely getting weird name. But what? Bradinho? Gritty Ivy? Please let it be a for-real Troll Brady.

- Kellen Winslow traded to the C-Hox. Dallas F*ckin’ Clark signed with the Bucs. It’s a run on veteran pass-catching tight ends! And yet still no one wants Jeremy Shockey. :(

- The Cowboys’ and Redskins’ cap penalty appeal was struck down by an arbitrator. At long last, a hard-colluded victory for collusion!

Ooh, ooh, I wanna play Ginger darts!

- So it seems the Pro Bowl is not only not dead, but it might be hosted in New Orleans the week before the Super Bowl. Peter King says that if Goodell is on hand, it will be the most awkward Pro Bowl ever, except for all the other ones.

- Ufford’s SB Nation video operation got NFL rookies to interview each other at the NFLPA trading card photo shoot. But, if the players start interviewing each other, what will media whores do? Besides write 4,000 words about their vacations?

Some effective Native American trolling by this guy dressing up as the Redskins logo. Since it appears like he’s already in D.C., I propose he head down to the Mall in costume to visit the Smithsonian’s Museum of the American Indian. They’d get a kick out of that.

- “30 for 30″, one of very few redeeming things that ESPN does, has been renewed for a second installment. Among the projects already planned is a documentary about Bo Jackson. I’m down, but still holding out for a full-length feature on Tecmo Bo’s exploits is other video game universes.

- Matt Leinart hilariously compares his career arc to Kurt Warner’s. Mentions that Warmer didn’t start a game until he was 28 and is now possibly Hall of Fame-bound. Keep the dream alive, brah.

- Eagles left tackle Jason Peters re-rupurted his right Achilles tendon last night, destroying any chance he had left to play this year. Worse still, the aggravation was caused by a faulty Roll-A-Bout. Oh, the indignity. What’s more, this proves that the beer scooter Gronk was using earlier in the off-season to rest his injured ankle is safer than an actual crutch.

- Because apparently people had been enjoying it too much, Chris Berman joined Twitter. He’ll do battle with Jim Irsay for the title of most classic rock lyrics tweeted by an old asshole. SB Nation gives us a sample of what else we can expect from Berman. My guess: the worst.

- If you’re in the market for 92 photos of Dolphins cheerleader tryouts, Busted Coverage can help you out with that.

The Vikings are getting their new $975 million stadium. With inevitable cost overruns, that billion dollar mark shouldn’t be too difficult to eclipse. Just a few late upgrades to luxury suites should take care of it. Of course, the city and state are getting fleeced on the deal, as all local and state governments tend to in these situations, so I was just about ready to feel bad for some Minnesotans until I saw this photo from a pro-stadium fan protest with a sign claiming that the Vikes were Favre’s last mistress, and so should be preserved for the sake of history. Worst justification of existence ever.

Meanwhile, Florio, sensing another trolling opportunity, decreed that the Rams are now the official Franchise In Danger of Relocation, with his Vikings being safely secured in Minny once more. The underlying idea works for me. L.A. should have a chance to lose both of its franchises twice. Al Davis would’ve been down for another 12-year Raiders displacement.

- Brandon Marshall says even Jerry Rice wouldn’t have been able to succeed with the Dolphins. If all 16 Brandon Marshall personalities couldn’t make a go of it, what makes us think just one Jerry Rice could?

- Factory of Sadness defensive tackle Phil Taylor has reportedly tore his left pectoral muscle, which could cost him the entire 2012 season. That’s unfortunate, but at least it gives him more time to troll racist dickheads on airplanes.

- The Redskins new alternate unis are a bit Boston College-y. Appropriate, as the ‘Skins might just be good enough this year to finish third in the ACC.

- After it was reported yesterday that the Jets were still in the running to be on “Hard Knocks” again, now word has come down that the Jets have been ruled out for the second or third time this off-season. Christ, this isn’t the lockout, HBO. Just figure it out, already.

- Don’t mind me, just gonna be sitting here screeching “IT’S A F*CKING ALL-STAR GAME!” for the rest of the day.

‘Skins receiver Jabar Gaffney with the uncomfortable social media overshare, followed soon thereafter with the defiant call for the death of feelings.

I’m on board with that. Piss off, feelings, what have you ever done for me? Enough with the emotional pleas. I want cold, dispassionate logic.

[via]

Rick Santorum bowed out of the presidential race today and Philip Rivers is crushed. But that won’t be the end of players’ messy and unfortunate forays into political advocacy. Just this afternoon there came word that Clinton Portis will be appearing with Joe Biden at an Obama fundraiser a week from today. Obama can only hit up the Georgetown salons so many times. Biden and Portis are taking the campaign to transitioning neighborhoods! Get that gentrifier money!

Lot of pressure on Ashley Biden to keep the reins on those two explosive personalities. She’ll have to be focused, because once this things goes off the rails, it’s mere minutes before Biden and Portis transform it into a go-go club and either all the women get pregnant or a Terrance Knighton situation happens. D.C. just finished restoring the Howard Theatre. They would like it to stay upright for at least a full month.

Michael Wilbon is a jock-fluffing dickhead most of the time, but because you usually know where to find him on the air these days, he can be easy to ignore, despite his unwarranted stature in the sports world. But every now and again, he manages to say something so grating that it’s impossible to escape. Either that, or Wilbon pretends that his influence is so vast that he can make up baseless rumors out of whole cloth and just have people believe him. These invented rumors may be ridiculous and never come to pass, but they unfortunately and inevitably get bandied around and checked out, only to be shot down.

Wilbon, on a radio appearance today with Kornheiser, managed to solicit rage with both trollish athlete-favoring commentary as well as proclaiming that he got an exclusive scoop about RGIII without even trying. It might be the most notable example of Wilbon sh*theadedness since he said he was giving Albert Haynesworth a “standing ovation” for not reporting to camp in 2010 because Haynesworth was being a recalcitrant dick.

Today’s shining example of Wilbon repugnance began with a rant about the Redskins. There’s nothing wrong with going off about the Redskins, per se, but when Wilbon does it, it’s usually in the service of defending a player for the wrong reasons or because it’s a player Wilbon claims he’s friends with. In this case, it’s Donovan McNabb, who last week got all pissy in saying he wasn’t used properly by the team, a story that clashed with the reality that McNabb had nothing left by the time he arrived in D.C.

“His blast was the same as mine; it was great,” Wilbon said. “I called him and said ‘Good, I’m glad you had the guts to say it. I know you’re getting ripped. Good.’ I’ve said it on our show. The Redskins, if the next Joe Montana fell out of the sky, why would anybody look at them and give them the benefit of doubt that they could get it right?”

Their quarterback utilizing skills are JUNK. Did you know that Wilbon is friends with McNabb? Has it dawned on you since the last four dozen times that Wilbon mentioned it? Makes sense; you would have to be extremely close with McNabb to compare him as a faded 34-year-old to a Hall of Famer in his prime. If you can’t gameplan for bounce passes to a receiver, what can you do?

That’s not even the worst part. Hell, that’s fairly standard athlete-buddy coddling by Wilbon standards. No, the worst part was when he just had to engage in some intentionally off-the-cuff pot-stirring just to feel important.

“By the way, I will tell you this,” Wilbon said, mid-rant. “It’s not like I’m following this closely, but I had the occasion over the weekend to talk to a couple of people who have intimate knowledge of what the Colts are thinking. And you and I have talked very briefly on the show about are they still considering RGIII? Tony, I’m told they are.

“Well, you know, it’s not like I care or anything, because only insignificant people without access do things like care, but I heard this little tidbit that, if true, would have serious consequences about the very top of the draft.”

Wilbon is full of sh*t, of course, as he always is. I guarantee that he’s heard nothing. And if he has heard something, it’s not from anyone actually in the Colts organization, which is why he couches his source so awkwardly. If he heard something from someone who worked for the Colts, he’d identify them as such, but instead it’s people who have intimate knowledge of what the Colts are thinking. There’s a lot of wiggle room for bullsh*t in that statement and Wilbon will utilize all of it.

Even when he worked for The Post, Wilbon liked to believe he was above whatever was going on in D.C. He still knows how to rattle the fans there, though. So he knows that spurring doubt that the ‘Skins might not get RGIII is a quick and dirty way to accomplish that. Being the jackass he is, he does it while trying to affect an air of not giving a sh*t. Which, as he’d say, is JUNK. Pure JUNK.

Only Jim Irsay could cruelly toy with the expectations of Redskins fans and still find a way to be annoying about it. The Colts owner claims the team is still officially undecided as to who they plan to take with the first pick. By now, Redskins fans have gotten so used to the idea of their team taking RGIII that they don’t want to have to undergo the abrupt mental shock of adjusting to Andrew Luck at this point. Plus, it might be awkward for the owner of this car.

Irsay took a break from randomly tweeting Big Lebowski lines and classic rock lyrics (OMG YOU GUYS, THIS ASSHOLE WHO INHERITED AN NFL TEAM IS QUOTING ‘FORTUNATE SON’) to post a goddamn riddle about RGIII on his feed. How big of a dicksmack do you have to be to post teasing nonsensical riddles about your draft intentions on Twitter? What kills me most is that you just know if this guy didn’t grow up the son of an NFL owner that he’d be a huge burnout selling chintzy medieval weapons out of the trunk of his car because he didn’t want to pay the vendor fee at the Renaissance Fair. That’s a very specific vision I have for Irsay’s alternate life, but you can’t convince me it wouldn’t happen.

DDDDDDIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

No hover hands for Snyder and Shanny

The Redskins brass has traveled to Waco for RGIII’s pro day. Because its Waco, we presume the options for dining out are limited to Hooters, Cracker Barrel and Hardee’s. They choose the former. Dan Snyder wanted to go to Asian Hooters, but he couldn’t remember the place’s actual name.

A fan who lives nearby and posts on the Extreme Skins message board was tipped off to the Offseason Champs contingent being present at the restaurant. He went to investigate. For his trouble, he got to mingle with the group and even had an awkward encounter with Kyle Shanahan in the restroom. About as much as anyone could hope for. Best of all, he posted the above photo, which we will treasure always.

A few fanboy nuggets:

I asked [Bruce Allen] about the salary cap fiasco and he told me in no uncertain terms they are going to fight it and so are the Cowboys.

I go to the bathroom and low and behold [Editor's note: sigh], Kyle Shanahan walks in as I’m finishing my business. (I swear I did not follow anyone into the bathroom to talk). He also comments on my [Redskins] hat. I welcome him to Texas and tell him I am a UT fan and remember when he played WR for Texas. I told him how excited the fans are at the possibility of RG3 and he replied “not nearly as much as I am” as we parted ways.

Armed with an RGIII boner, Kyle Shanahan made it a very uncomfortable night for the Hooters waitstaff.

[via D.C. Sports Bog]

Wooftastic derpfest, all around. Between Steelers-Colts and tonight’s game, this was a banner week for closely contested football of extremely poor quality in primetime. We are a nation in need of flex.

For our three hours of viewership, we were awarded with nine field goals, four turnovers and a touchdown pass in the flat to Tim Hightower that was still almost dropped. Oh, and an inexhaustible amount of Tony Romo fluffing. Yes, yes, the ESPN booth is packed to the gills with starf*ckers, so we shouldn’t be surprised. But the herculean lengths that Jaws went to to excuse Romo for every Cowboys mistake. He wouldn’t even try that hard to save his family from a burning building. Unless Romo accidentally started the fire and Jaws didn’t want Romo blamed for any fatalities. Possibly then.

Let’s use for an example, say, an underthrown ball in the end zone to Marty B. Marty is covered by a DB at least eight inches shorter than him. Rather than throw a jump ball, Romo tries to drill it in Bennett’s chest.

SPIN IT JAWS: “Martellus Bennett simply has to anticipate that his quarterback is suffering from a rib injury and is therefore unlikely to get the ball where it needs to be. Disappointing effort there by the tight end.”

AND THIS 30 SECONDS OF CRAZY STRAW QUAFFING FROM ROMO’S URETHRA WHEN THE COWBOYS TOOK THE LEAD! NOT ONE SOLITARY TOUCHDOWN SCORED! AND YET THIS! GAHHHHHHHH!

I will grant that not every mistake was on Romo. See? Fairness! Phil Costa is already being mishandled into an unmarked grave outside Cowboys Stadium. We will forever remember the best two-yard gain ever, however. Your legacy lives on, Costa.

Anyway, back to Romo and how odious he is. OH THE MATURITY! OUTWARDLY BLAMING HIS TEAMMATES ON NEAR PEYTON-ESQUE LEVELS! WAH WAH WAHHHHH!

If only you’d have had one more drive in you, Rexy. Or one fewer fumble. Either way, this will probably trigger a sequence of events that leads to John Beck starting miserably in a few weeks, because, as we know, nothing fun can stay.

What’s this? Actual roster moves being made? It’s as though an agonizing labor standoff has just been mercifully curtailed. Funny thing, that.

But it’s true! There was news being broken (news is very fragile and we must treat it with more care) yesterday that actually affects how teams will fare on the field. THE VERY THOUGHT! The news wasn’t even fixated on how shares of mountains of money will be dispersed among players and owners and agents and Ticketmaster and bartenders and retard bloggers because of your unhealthy obsession with the NFL. It was actually about football!

But what? What were the first ripples of activity before the upcoming melee of overspending? Just follow the bold, my friends.

The Ravens cut Willis McGahee, noted Ray Rice touchdown vulture and next notch below Antonio Cromartie on the illegitimate child generator power rankings. This was not a surprise, as McGahee has sucked pretty hard for some time. What was a surprise was that the Ravens also cut Joe Flacco’s safety blanket, Derrick Mason, along with fat white guy Kelly Gregg and very-popular-in-Baltimore white guy Todd Heap. Some have speculated that this is because the Ravens are making a play for Nnamdi Asomugha in free agency. If true, between that and the Boldin acquisition last year, the Ravens might soon be posing a challenge to the Redskins’ status as perennial Offseason Champs. Also, it’s possible that Gregg, Heap and Mason will all be back in Baltimore at a lower cost, which will have proven that the players fought long and hard to return to being easily disposable chattel.

A lot of undrafted free agents were signed. Or agreed to terms to be signed. Or some other arcane phrasing. It won’t really matter except for the one or two of these players who happen to be breakout stars down the line. These will occasion analysts to glibly mock the other 31 teams for not drafting them or somehow knowing that success would come. What’s that? You didn’t guess that his two-touchdown game against ECU presaged certain superstardom? YOU CLOD!

One of the players signed last night was trill-as-it-gets Florida safety Will Hill, who landed with the Redskins and is likely to soon begin engaging in a lengthy prostitute plank war in Thomas Circle with Andray Blatche and JaVale McGee.

Jim Irsay indicated that there exists a price he will not exceed for Peyton Manning. This is a bold thing to say, even for the desperately suicidal. Does he not know that the Fat Humps are prepared to sacrifice everything, to pay whatever price is demanded of them, to ignore as many as one fourthmeal, so that they can enjoy seeing Pey-Pey flinch horribly and toss mercy picks once he’s contacted? If there’s an amount needed to secure the future of a 35-year-old quarterback, you pay it. You don’t ask questions. Because Steak ‘n Shake doesn’t do menu changes.