My TV went out this week. When I called DirecTV to have them come fix it, they told me they did not have access to anyone’s account information, and that I should call back in a day or two. Excuse me? A day? Whole day? What, you people think going without TV for a day is somehow acceptable? TV IS ALL I HAVE, YOU BASTARDS.

There are three services I can’t go without on a daily basis: air conditioning, Internet, and TV. The rest is gravy: phone service, lights, water, etc. All worthless. But TV? GET THAT SHIT FIXED. DirecTV, you just made MY FUCKING LIST YOU BASTARDS. Where did you lose all your account information, anyway? How the fuck do you lose that? What Serbian computer wizard has my precious account data? I would so switch to cable if cable wasn’t five times worse. AND DON’T YOU FUCKING FORGET IT.

Anywayyyyy, this week’s mock draft! Yes, this week’s mock draft is TV show character you’d like to room with. ROOMING DOES NOT MEAN YOU GET AUTOMATIC SEX. Au contraire. It almost certainly precludes it. So choose wisely. You choose a hot chick, you probably end up eternally frustrated. That said, my pick? Eliot from Scrubs, seen above.

Scrubs is a fucking annoying show. But this chick likes to get drunk, and she’s unreasonably attractive. I’m certain any number of… romantic misunderstandings?… could ensue! And she’d be too drunk to see that I have Bong Dick!

Yours in the comments. Pick one character. Fictional characters only, so no taking Conan O’Brien or something like that. I will, however, accept animated characters, because why not. Once that character is taken, all characters from their show are off the board entirely. Please wait ten picks to pick again. Now, DRAFT AWAY.

/stares at frozen blue screen. Fucking DirecTV.