Wade: Welp, guess I’m long overdue to clean out this here office. Get these things down to Houston where they belong. HOUSTON! Can’t believe I’m coachin’ where my Daddy used to coach! Boy, will that tickle the old man with feathers! Anyway, time to box it all up.

Hard to believe, but I think I’ll miss this place. So many memories. LOOK! It’s my first offensive game plan!

(looks at foam board with BUBBLE SCREEN TO WITTEN X22 written on it)

Boy, that didn’t work out quite like I planned! And look! It’s the broomstick Mr. Jones raped me with that one time! I didn’t really like it when he did it at the time. But I guess I can laugh about it now. Ha ha! That was kinda funny.

Oooh, what’s this?

(opens drawer)

Zingers! Oh Wade, you sly ol’ coot! I wonder how old these are. Can’t quite remember when I bought them. Oh well, can’t hurt to indulge one last time in this here office…

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

The Internet keeps doling out reports that Wade Phillips has been fired, followed by counter-reports that he has NOT, indeed, been fired… yet. But let’s be real, people: dude’s fired. Totally fired. Like, Jim Mora fired. I don’t see why we need an official confirmation of fact for this to be true.

So let’s just get it out there: Wade Phillips has been fired, as first reported by Common Sense Daily.

(img)

“What’ll I do, little missy? Ol’ Jerry will tan my hide for sure and no one will ever hire me as a head coach again in this league. That is, aside from Buffalo again in two years. You gotta let me know everything will be okay.”

Wade: Oh boy. Oh, gosh darnit. Oh, fiddlegabbers! Can’t believe we lost to those pesky Vikings.

Well, ol’ Wade ain’t one to panic. I’ve seen this team’s heart, and gosh dangit if they’re aren’t the finest 1-4 team in the NFL right now! All we have to do is stop committing penalties, stop turning the ball over, stop allowing big kickoff returns, and stop having a bad offensive line! HOW HARD CAN THAT BE?

I feel a turnaround coming. I really do. I think if we work hard enough, we can find a way to…

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

Wade: Well, I’ll be. Look at that!

(looks at self in full body mirror)

Wade, you old coot! You done dropped thirty pounds! Gall dangit, that is somethin’. Loooong overdue, I tell ya. I feel great! I’ve got much more energy, and my dang feet ain’t so sore at the end of the day.

I tell you what. When those players see the work I put into dropping this weight, they’ll be inspired to work their keesters off for this season. I think this is a great first step. And nothin’s gonna keep me from goin’ back to the way I was. No, siree. No chance of that happening.

(hears rumble)

What’s that sound?

(rumble grows stronger)

Uh oh…

Read the rest of this entry »

MY BOY ROMO IS A GODDAMN STAR! THAT MINDBLOWING PICK TO LEBER WAS JUST A MESSAGE TO ME TO SLICE YOU INTO BITE-SIZE CHUNKS AND SHIP THEM TO THE STARVING HAITIANS!

YOU KNOW FOX PUT FAVRE UP TO THIS! THIS WAS RIGHTFULLY ROMO’S CHANCE TO WHORE FOR THE NETWORK! NOW WE’RE STUCK WITH DIET PEPSI MAX!

Wade: Well, well! That was a heckuva turnaround, wasn’t it? I’ll be. We did it! We came together and won this dang division. Lotta people said we couldn’t do it! Lotta people said we weren’t gonna win anything in December. But we showed them, didn’t we Roscoe?

Roscoe: RUFF!

Wade: You’re darn right, boy.

Roscoe: RUFF!

Wade: Yeah, I know. NOW COMES THE HARD PART! Taking on those pesky Eagles again. Won’t be a walk in the park like last time! But you know what, Roscoe? I feel pretty daggone good. I think I’ve proven myself. I think I’m ready to show everyone that Wade Phillips is a coach to be reckoned with in this here league.

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

Wade: Oh dear. Another December stumble. Ol’ Jerry is gonna be fit to be tied. I know it for sure. I should clear out of here as quickly as possible before he pops in to give me heaping helping of griefy gravy. Then he’ll have that smarmypants Princeton boy poking fun at me like he’s God’s gift to this world. Well, y’know what? Some of this is his fault too. Then for some reason that cornerback that we cut last year will appear and tell us how he’s gonna drink.

I reckon I’m not much in the mood to deal with that nonsense right now. We’ve had a good season, dagnabbit! One measly loss don’t mean nothing to us. This December jinx business is all a big ballyhoo to sell papers. What does one month of the year mean to us? If these people really knew football they’d know it’s all a big coincidence.

Anyway, gotta move, gotta move! Quickquickquick!

But first: I’m gonna need a little snack for the road to tide me over to suppertime. The wife’s making the casserole. Not the favorite. Let’s see what we got.

[Fumbles through desk drawers]

Now & Laters? Those won’t do. They hurt my teeth. That’s really some last ditch snacking right there. Ooooooh! What’s this? No, it can’t be. IT IS! Sno Ball snack cakes! How did you hide from me so long? Ol’ Wade is gonna snack good today.

Uh oh, footsteps!

[Door flies open]

Read the rest of this entry »

Wade: Gosh dangit. We had to go and ruin a perfectly good four-game winnin’ streak by strollin’ into Green Bay and layin’ a darn egg! Ugh.

Well, guess I better get to work. We got those pesky Redskins comin’ in this week, and I know darn well they’ll be loaded for bear. I better study some tape. Except… aw hell, no one around. No need to get cracking just YET. Lemme just play one game of solitaire. Helps sharpen the ol’ noggin.

(opens up solitaire game)

Oh, that’s a lousy draw.

(resets the game 50 times)

Ah, much better. Now, to just drag these three aces up to the top…

(door flies open)

Read the rest of this entry »

And that’s too bad, because it would have been tremendous to watch Jerry see the first two games in his Colossatorium blow up in his leathery face. Not that Romo didn’t give the Panthers a host of chances at interceptions with a raft of ill-advised throws. So we were limited to one agonized Wade Phillips hunch down of defeat.

Remember, it is only still late September. There is plenty of tantalizing Cowboys failure to come. There’s not going to be a Delhomme to deposit the ball in Terrance Newman’s chest at critical moments every week.

As for Carolina, Tar Heels season isn’t that far in the offing.

[Thanks again to reader Rafael for the .giffage]

Read the rest of this entry »