Kissing Suzy Kolber » Waaaaah

Even Worse Than Seahawks Fans

Christmas Ape — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 23:03:34 +0000

Ravens fans, do kindly enjoy a frosty mug of Shut the Fu*k Up on me. Do we have to go through this every single time your team loses? I’m pretty sure the Patriots got flagged once for hitting Joe Flacco in the head too. Perhaps you should be training most of your blame on stone hands Mark Clayton.

A Children’s Treasury of Broncos Fan Angst

Christmas Ape — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:28:55 +0000

Last week, we solicited reactions from “disgruntled” Broncos fans regarding the Cutler-McDaniels saga and the quarterback’s trade to the Bears. And now we will share them with you because we ~~didn’t read half of them~~ found them enthralling. Let the bellyaching and recriminations commence!

Oh, “disgruntled?” You think that’s a good enough word? Cutlersulker may be a crybaby unprofessional dickless Cutlersulker (emphasis on the sulker), but Josh McDaniels is the motherfucking antichrist as far as I’m concerned. He needs to die in a fire yesterday. Jesus FUCKING Christ. And it’s not necessarily about the trade itself that I’m upset about, really. I guess we got pretty OK value… not really. But it’s not horrible. Two of those three first day picks will pan out, and will provide value which ends up being kind of decent. Neckdrunk will be half as good as Cutler. Net effect: probably close to zero. But what has my eyeball veins ready to explode is how McDaniels has walked in here like he’s Dick McHugeballs and just acted like making these moves is no big deal. Shopping a fast-developing local hero for a one season wonder just because he (McDaniels) used to work with said one season wonder? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Not setting things right with said local hero, and instead basically shitting on his face and telling him I don’t care who the fuck he is? No big deal, I’m Josh McDaniels. It’s all going to work out. Fucking fuck. Fucking shitfuck. I’m glad he’s established how awesome and smart he is during his first two months of employment. I was really getting worried for a second there that he wouldn’t totally dismantle the team and trade our franchise QB. Assface. The best part for me personally? I went to Notre Dame, and have now suffered through two years of Charlie Weis’s tardfuckery. Thanks, Belichick. Thanks for being such a gargantuan cock-in-the-ass that you not only manage to turn the entire country against your own franchise, but also manage by way of your completely incompetent minions to ruin the two teams I care about most. You’ve really outdone yourself this time. Go tackle a bus, you fun-ruining cuntswabber.

Christ. I hate football.

Any rant about any subject that devolves into a tirade about Bill Belichick is quality in my eyes.

Get the fuck outta here! Really… fucking orton, he’s trash. Cutler was the only good thing going for denver last year… defense sucked… running game sucked… matt prayter… awful, yet cutler got us 8 games. this is utter bullshit.

josh mcdaniels…you have (eddie) royally fucked up the broncos organization…

i hope you choke and die on pat bowlen’s dick

fuck that shit.

really
the bears

da fucking bears
i can’t bear to hear this news

just fucking awful…

why did bowlen have to replace shannahan with this fucking inexperienced punk?

cutler best of luck i hope you blow a lot in the windy city

clitoris dickus

signed
- bronco fan

An example of the very rare no-caps Internet sports rant.

Neckbeard>diabetes.

Try telling that to Michael Silver!

Speaking for the Neckbeard Army — and yes, I’m the pudgy one in the middle of that picture there — tonight is a night of mourning.

Kyle? A villainous Bronco?! [Ed. note: The Broncos and the Bears are rivals now?] Unacceptable. Only thing worse is if he’d become a Cowboy. This is terrible.

All we want is a lovable everyman to root for. And drink in honor of. We know he’ll do his best. But still, we want him off of the Broncos ASAP.

Sail on, brave sailor… and remember: it’s easier to get drunk at a higher altitude!

~ Chris of the Neckbeard Army

Not technically a Broncos fan, but one does not wisely deny the request of white girls throwing gang signs.

What’s up guys,

I must admit, I’m hesitant to drop this little nugget of information on you for fear of what it might do for men’s sex lives everywhere. Some of the information that Crystal’s doc gave her is dead wrong, and I thought I’d do my duty as a good medical student and correct the misinformation. If you have any questions or want any clarification, I’d be happy to help out.

Not only can HPV be transmitted via oral sex, certain strains of the virus can also cause oral or esophageal cancer. The best way to deal with this risk is NOT TO STOP GIVING SWEET, WONDERFUL HEAD. Rather, attenuate your risk by getting one of the HPV vaccines if you’re eligible. The vaccines protect against the viral subtypes most likely to cause cervical, vaginal, anal, and even esophageal cancers.

While the majority of Americans will test positive for HPV by the age of 40, 90% of the viral strains are associated with an extremely low risk of causing cancer. Similarly, very few of the strains cause genital warts, or any symptoms at all. To all the ladies out there, I repeat, DO NOT STOP GIVING BLOWJOBS. Get vaccinated, and get your daughters vaccinated for their sake.

Yours truly,
A soon-to-be dick doc

PS — A few weeks back, some poor sap wrote in saying he was having trouble getting a stiffie for fun times with his lady friend. Your advice of calming down, taking his time, and getting a little drunk was certainly reasonable. However, you might want to warn him that if he doesn’t get over his shyness, he should see a urologist. Psychogenic erectile dysfunction, the medical term for what he’s experiencing, is a very benign, treatable condition. But if it persists for more than two years without treatment, it is very likely to become permanent — so even with Viagra, he’d be left in the lurch.

Wait. How’d that get mixed up in there? Ah well.

I need to vent. I mean, the best and most important player on my team got traded and now all we have is Kyle Orton. Fuck me. In honor of having the Neckbeard, I’m drinking tonight. I have to work tomorrow but I don’t fucking care. It’s not every day that your team gets Kyle Orton for its best player. God damn it.

Chad

I’ll gladly take neckbeard over Cutler at this point. I want someone who wants to play.
A BRONCOS FAN!

Orton wants to play? I was under the impression he was just GONE DRANK!

As a lifelong Denver fan (having had some of the 78 Broncos sign a mini football for me while I was still in the stroller) I’m thrilled that the Bucking Broncs traded Cutler (aka the Whiny Bitch, or WB for short) for two 1st’s, a 3rd and the artist formerly, currently, and futurely (did I just make up a word?) known as the Drunk Beard. See my long form explanation at http://jsrts.blogspot.com. Would love a link, great work you do!

Yes, but did the Broncos run a train on you like they did to Cartman’s mom?

As a lifelong Bronco fan, I come to share this venting and perspective.

When McDaniels was hired, I was fucking pissed off. I hate the Patriots to an unimaginable degree. Whenever people hear how much I hate the Patriots, they can instantly guess that I’m on the drunken downward spiral after breaking up with my girlfriend. No one sober or in a relationship can possibly summon that level of hatred for a sports team. I look like one of those guys screaming and grabbing at the coffin during a funeral riot for an Arab kid shot to death by Israelis. So you can imagine I was upset when they got Belichick’s former gopher to come in here and try to install the Patriot way. FUCK THAT. The best case scenario for this smug little fuck is that we turn into the Patriots West??? Bloodless press coverage, joyless victories, dink and dunk fucking bullshit offense, deception, subterfuge, condescension, arrogance. Holy SHIT. I’d rather the Cos go 8-8 the rest of my life than win a Super Bowl the Patriots way. Not to mention that my ideal coaching hire, call me crazy, was a hard-nose, experienced ass-kicking defensive coach who could come in, install some discipline, turn around the defense, and not screw up the offense. Maybe a harder version of Tony Dungy. So they go bring in this little fuck?? And he tries to trade my 25-yr old franchise quarterback. You got to be fucking kidding me. Cutler is flawed for sure, but he also gives a shit and has all the ability to be a Super Bowl MVP someday. Mistake-prone? Forces things? Sure. But there’s a lot of fucking pressure in knowing that you have to score on EVERY offensive possession because the defense just might give up 50 today. I think in those first few meetings, Cutler could sniff out McDaniels’ bullshit immediately. And maybe Jay was a little hungover or tipsy, and not giving off the best impression himself. But then he got lied to, straight up. I would have bailed on this team too. ANYONE would have done the same thing. You want me to play for this chucklefuck? No. Fucking. Way. Good luck. I’d pack my shit up and move to Detroit rather than play for some smirking weasel fuck who wanted me to throw 5 yard outs all game all the while thinking that Matt Cassel could be doing it better.

What this feels like exactly, is that your parents get divorced. You didn’t have the perfect home by any means, but you were pretty happy, and there was a chance each year would be better than the last. Your parents keep telling you they’d stay together, but then one day, out of nowhere, it’s over. You never even saw them fighting. Now, you got a bunch of brothers and a couple of them hated your dad, but everyone managed to get along. And even those guys who hated your dad, they’re not exactly happy. They really don’t know what to feel. It just all feels so wrong. So now they’re divorced, and your beloved grandfather, who’s never done anything but try to make this family happier, inexplicably hooks your mom up with some asshole of a guy who’s almost your age, saying she needs to get on with her life. And now this asshole is around the house all the time, fucking your mom, loudly, slapping you on the back and calling you “chief” and shit like that, all with a big shit-eating grin on his face. And he starts talking about “our family” and “we” and this and that. And you’re thinking, “listen mutherfucker, you’re not IN this family.” So he starts changing the house around, and it’s okay at first. Then he starts messing with your mom, changing the way she dresses, walks and talks to make her more like his ex-wife. You know this guy’s ex-wife, and she is a known and notorious cunt. So this is a pretty disturbing development. But then, without your permission, he tries to give away the family dog. Now, your dog ain’t perfect, and he ain’t pretty, but he rocks the shit at fetch and you love him. Now this douchebag wants to stroll in, give him away, and pick up some new dog, like a poodle or some gay shit that you definitely DO NOT WANT. Then you get all pissed off when you find out, and he tries to play it off like it didn’t happen and lies about it. But you know, you definitely know, this shady bitch is up to something. So, he finally goes ahead and does it, and instead of a new gay poodle, you get a dog who looks kind of like your old dog, only he can’t play fetch for shit, pisses on the carpet all the time, and smells something awful. To make matters worse, half your brothers start acting like they actually like this new boyfriend, and start talking shit about your old dog and your dad. And new guy starts bringing his kids over to hang out, and all they do is talk about how awesome their dad is. All this ends up splitting your family in half, creating a rift that maybe can never be fixed.

That’s what living in Bronco Land is like right now. 1000 comments a day on the Denver Post stories about this situation, half of them calling Cutler a crybaby and the other half calling McDaniels a douchebag. So, fully half the Broncos fans are going to be cheering this team to 0-16 out of spite, with the other half cheering the Bears to 0-16 out of spite, with only a scant few left to root for the Broncos to have any success.

So now I grit my teeth whenever I see McD and try to smile and pretend like I don’t hate him. Because I can’t abandon this team, no matter how much I want to. But I’ve got to look at that fuck on the sidelines every game, and enjoy watching my team turn into the FUCKING Patriots, only without the success.

And his press conference today, where he only referred to Cutler as “the player”? Oh, Josh, you smug dick you. I’m really going to enjoy this next season listening to more shit like that.

I think if I could just punch him square in the face a couple of times, and yell at Bowlen for about 15 minutes, I could get back on the bandwagon for real. But without that, I’ll be struggling.

And I am rooting for Cutler to do well in Chicago though. Why? Because FUCK Josh McDaniels, that’s why.

There is a part of me that still believes this is some brilliant demonic plan cooked up by Belichick to destroy the Broncos, using his gopher underling. But, hey, maybe we’ll have a good year.

Sincerely,

starksgotejected

/not even gonna pretend like he read all of that

Seahawks Fans: A Fanbase So Sour, It Can Only Be Safely Contained in a Magnetic Field

Christmas Ape — Sat, 31 Jan 2009 16:02:23 +0000

Because they harbor a delusion that tells them that we care, Seahawks fans are letting the world know that they would rather become the only team without a Super Bowl title in a division that includes the Rams and the Cardinals than see the Steelers win another one. Like the fellow in the video above, who went so far as to buy the hat of a division rival so that he may gain entry to the Cards bandwagon.

Not all C-Hox fans are decided, however. Regular KSK commenter J.L. White took the time to write us this lengthy e-mail (which I promise to finish reading one of these days) expressing his ambivalence about the contest. Uh, enjoy.

Dear President Obama:

We as a nation are faced with many challenges today, as we work to fix the mistakes of the past and at the same time make the future a brighter one for our children. There is no doubt that the economy, Iraq, and global warming require to be addressed both seriously and swiftly. You said during the inauguration that, “Our challenges may be new. The instruments with which we meet them may be new.” Well sir, there is another challenge today that America must overcome very shortly, and it may require some new and creative thinking. Mr. President, I beseech you…..(pausing for dramatic effect)……please cancel this Super Bowl.

On the surface, this may sound like a heinous, almost un-American request. Did not both the Steelers and Cardinals reach t his match fairly? Are not both fanbases eagerly awaiting the outcome? Don’t millions upon millions of Americans celebrate this game not just as a championship match but as a chance to bond with their fellow man, shovel fried foods into their mouths for hours on end, and drink themselves to near unconsciousness? I say yes to all those questions, and I don’t ask this of you for any spiteful reasons (unlike what some festive primates might tell you.)

No sir, in fact I see this as an opportunity for all of America. I call not for the season to end this Sunday, but to be restarted so that we all can continue to enjoy America’s favorite sport throughout the doldrums of late winter and early spring. You also said during the inauguration that “Time and again these men and women struggled and sacrificed and worked till their hands were raw so that we might live a better life.” Do not the over 300 million citizens of this great nation deserve a chance to enjoy our favorite sport during the months we usually spend bored and waiting for its return?

Look, this Super Bow l, other than the glamour and prestige the event itself already has, is nothing special. As a basketball fan you’ll understand that the Arizona Cardinals are the L.A. Clippers of football. As for the Steelers, a grand majority of native Pittsburghers have fled the city many years ago, and most people who claim to be Steeler fans are really people who have no ties to any team, but like rooting for a team that has a cool-looking uniform and have been almost universally successful each of the past 40 years. Being one of these people, Mr. President, you should understand all too well.

Aside from these two fanbases (if you want to call what the Cardinals have a “fanbase,” that is) the rest of America will welcome a new season with open arms, even if it must be abbreviated to 8 or 12 weeks, so not to interfere with the Final Four. We will still have a Super Bowl when everything is said and done, and if these two teams make it back to the Promised Land once again, nobody should resent it. The sacrifices of a few hundred millionaire football players and the few dozen billionaire football owners should not outweigh the benefits to the rest of us. Not only will the nation’s morale improve, but more people will be employed to keep the stadiums ope n and to feed all the football fans while they root for their favorite teams. For once a truly bold initiative must spring forth from Washington, and I can think of nothing bolder than this.

During you inauguration you said, “We are a nation of Christians and Muslims, Jews and Hindus — and non-believers.” Well, we are also a nation of Packer fans, Colt fans, Giant fans, Dolphin fans, Seahawk fans and Cowboy fans. Instead of being divided 30 ways we can finally be united toward a single goal. This is but one example of what our imagination can achieve when joined with a common purpose. Join us, Mr. President, and carry forth that great gift of football and deliver it safely to future generations.

God Bless you and God Bless the United States of America!

Sincerely,

J.L. White

Stirring missive, J.L. Let’s see what Barry had to say.

Yep. That’s a burn. Won’t blame you. You voted for Brian Russell.

/Long, Sad Trombone Sound

Christmas Ape — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 01:01:00 +0000

Hopefully they dispatched the waaaaahmbulance to this place. Not to help the Pats fans, but because they should collect their tears. I think they cure cancer. At least they clear up anything that’s bothering me.

Much thanks to TheJetsBlog.

Update: Shock of shocks! Obama didn’t carry Massachusetts. Wonder why?

My Name Is Gregg, and I’m a Vagina

Unsilent Majority — Wed, 30 Jan 2008 15:37:00 +0000

Just in case any of you heathen football fanatics forgot, those Patriots are a bunch of cheaty McCheatersons!

And all you sportscasters and sportswriters who will spend this week gushing over the Super Bowl, it would be nice if a few of you mentioned that, a mere four months ago, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell found the Patriots guilty of “a calculated and deliberate attempt to avoid long-standing rules designed to encourage fair play and promote honest competition.” Two billion people will watch the Super Bowl; almost all of America’s children and teens will watch the Super Bowl. If the bottom line of the event is “It’s fine to cheat, you’ll get away with it,” what message does that send?

And once the cheaters take over you know who will hold all the power? That’s right…

Image via bangitout.com