An anonymous reader sent in the following story about Joe Theismann and his supposed antics on a Hawaiian golf course. We can’t vouch for its authenticity, but it’s a good read nonetheless….

Here’s a story you guys might enjoy. This happened 9 years ago:

After high school I decided to take a year off before going to college. My parents moved to Hawaii, so I figured I would bum around the islands for a year and have some fun. I ended up getting a part time job at one of the golf resorts as a bag boy. The job entailed putting people’s golf bags on carts and cleaning their clubs and putting them in storage once they were done with their round. The resort was known for having tons of celebrities around, especially sports celebrities. One day in January, which is the peak of the season, Joe Theismann shows up at the resort. He comes over to me and hands me his receipt. I take one quick look at it for his name to locate his clubs in our storage area, and I almost keel over from the reek of alcohol on his breath. While I’m grabbing his clubs a lady who’s a regular at our course starts chatting him up. They decide to play together, so I start walking to the golf cart where her bag is. Joe yells out “I want my own cart.” Probably noticing that he is drunk, she tries to get him to agree to ride together, but he keeps demanding his own cart. I end up putting his bag on his own cart and off they went.

About 45 minutes later, one of the guys from the pro shop comes down and tells me there’s been an accident with a golf cart on the 4th hole and he asked me to go check it out. He said that I need to tow a cart out there with me too. I get out there and sure enough it was Joe Theismann. He had driven his cart into the lava rocks and got it stuck. It wasn’t just one front tire in the rocks, it was the whole front end, and the front axle was lodged between two lava rocks- he had to be going pretty fast to get it as stuck as he had it. The real kicker was there were about 6 empty beer bottles in the back of his cart already. I put all of his stuff in the new golf cart I brought him and hooked up the tow car to the one in the rocks. I asked him if he would drive the tow car while I try to dislodge the cart from the rocks and he says to me “Not my problem buddy,” and drives off. Now, if you ever find yourself having to work in lava rock, just walk away. It’s sharp and pointy and very tough to balance on when trying to move anything in it and it’s easy to lose your balance and cut yourself. It took me a good 45 minutes to get that dang cart out. I spent the rest of the day in sweaty clothes and scratches all over my arms and legs from the rocks, and when he came in he didn’t even leave a tip (during peak season we would average $5-$10 tip per golf cart). I didn’t see him ever again during his stay at the resort, and I am glad I didn’t.

Even if this story is true, we don’t think it’s anything Thees should be embarrassed about. I mean who hasn’t got ‘faced on a golf course and wrecked a cart? And what’s the point of being a NFL College Football Hall of Famer and all around big shot if you can’t throw your weight around a little every now and then?

Marvin: Chad! Chad, get down here! You’ve been lying in bed for weeks!

Ocho: I’ll be down a little later, Coach.

Marvin: Oh, no. Not while you stay at MY house. I want you down here right now.

Ocho: Fine. Whatever.

What do you want?

Marvin: As long as you live here, young man, you’re going to get up and be a part of this family. Lying around in your room all the time isn’t acceptable.

Ocho: Look, Coach. I’m gonna level with you. I think I’m suffering from impression.

Marvin: DEpression

Ocho: No. IMpression. As in I M depressed.

Marvin: That’s not how that term works.

Ocho: Nuh uh! That’s the original pig Latin!

Marvin: Whatever. Tell me why you’re down.

Ocho: I just feel like everything’s gone wrong the past few months, coach. You know, we lost all those games. And you didn’t know about this, but my girl left me a while back.

Marvin: She did? Oh, Chad. Chad, I’m really sorry.

Ocho: She was great. I feel like she really understood me. Like, when I told her that I liked socks, and that maybe we should make very large socks to put whole babies in, she was on board. And when I told her I don‘t believe in volcanoes, she agreed with me.

Marvin: Actually, Chad. That’s incorrect. Volcanoes do exist.

Ocho: Oh, please. Have you ever seen a volcano erupt?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: I rest my case.

Marvin: Chad, we live in Ohio. There are no volcanoes in Ohio.

Ocho: Oh, well isn’t that convenient? You know what I think? I think it’s a conspiracy. I think the CSI wants you to believe there are volcanoes, so you’re scared to go outside and find out what’s really going on. Because I ain’t EVER seen a mountain smoke up like that. And why would a mountain need to smoke up? IT’S ALREADY HIGH!

Marvin: Mountains don’t smoke weed, Chad.

Ocho: Yeah, but you don’t know that.

Marvin: Yes I do.

Ocho: You said it yourself! You said you’ve never seen a volcano. So how do you know that Mount Rushmore or some shit don’t like the occasional peace pipe? YOU EVER SEEN A MOUNTAIN CLIMBER? They all smoke up, man. They have beards and shit. That’s why they want to get to the top of the mountain, for that big mountain smoke. WHICH IS ONLY A LEGEND PERPERGATED BY THE CSI.

Marvin: Mount Rushmore doesn’t smoke weed.

Ocho: Agreed. But it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could.

Marvin: No, it couldn’t.

Ocho: Yes, it could! Those four judges up there are just SITTING AROUND! What else are they going to do in South Carolina? You’re telling me Abe Lincoln ain’t packing a pipe under his crazyass hat?

Marvin: Okay, Mount Rushmore consists of four stone carvings of former US Presidents. They’re stone. Stone can’t move.

Ocho: Then you ain’t ever seen Fantastic Four 2.

Marvin: Jesus. Fine. Believe what you want. I just need you to get out of this funk and get back to helping out around here, and helping the team. You know we lost Housh yesterday.

Ocho: I KNOW! THAT WAS AWESOME!

Marvin: No, it’s not. Anyway, I need you to be extra dedicated now more than ever. So let’s work this out. Let’s figure out how to make you feel better.

Ocho: I don’t know, Coach. It’s tough without my girl. She was everything to me, man. I just feel like, if I had done things differently. Like, maybe if I had superpowers, she would come back to me.

Marvin: But you don’t have superpowers.

Ocho: But I could.

Marvin: No, you couldn’t.

Ocho: You don’t know that! What if I’m actually a member of the Fantastic Four 2? And I can turn into Mount Rushmore? And smoke weed? I feel like she would come back to me if she knew I could do all that.

Marvin: But you can’t. That’s not physically possible.

Ocho: See, I think that’s just a bad attitude to have. Why couldn’t I have superpowers? I feel like I could fly if I dedicated myself.

Marvin: You can’t.

Ocho: YOU’RE THE ONE TELLING ME TO WORK HARD!

Marvin: Yes, I’m telling you to work hard to so you accomplish things that are, you know, FUCKING ACTUALLY FEASIBLE.

Ocho: Well, I think being able to fly is feasible. There are tons of superpowers out there I could have if I applied myself. I could turn things into Chinese rice USING ONLY MY MIND. I could have a special computer that types things IN THE SKY. I could have a REALLY LOUD HANDCLAP. Like, a paralyzing clap. That would be great. Some white mountain climber guy would get in my face and I’d be like CLAP CLAP YOU DEAD.

Marvin: Again, none of those things are possible.

Ocho: I even got my superhero car figured out. It’s a special boat, WITH CARS ON IT.

Know what I call it?

Marvin: No.

Ocho: CAR BOAT. Ain’t no boat like that. I even wrote a song for it. Listen to this. (sings)

CAAAAR BOAT! THE BOAT WITH CARS!



DUN DUN DUN! CAR BOAT!

BAM! No one would fuck with Car Boat.

Marvin: Okay, that kind of boat already exists. It’s called a ferry.

Ocho: Man, I’m not talking about no gays! This is a fucking hardcore boat. Car Boat will dock a bitch. Know what I mean?

Marvin: Not FAIRY. FERRY. And ferries aren’t gay. They aren’t sexual entities. They’re inanimate. Inanimate objects aren’t gay or straight.

Ocho: No? Check this pen.

Tell me that pen isn’t gay. You know damn well that thing’s been in an asshole somewhere.

Marvin: It’s a pen. It’s not gay.

Ocho: But you don’t know that. For all you know, this pen could have smoked up with one of those gay mountains, and then they could have had gay mountain sex. WHICH WOULD NEVER HAPPEN ON CAR BOAT.

Marvin: HOLY SHIT. YOU ARE A FUCKING STUMP. I‘M TRYING TO PULL THIS TEAM TOGETHER AS IT’S FALLING APART, AND NOW I HAVE TO DEAL WITH YOU TRYING TO CONVINCE ME THAT FUCKING VOLCANOES DON’T FUCKING EXIST, DESPITE YEARS OF PHOTOGRAPHIC AND GEOLOGICAL EVIDENCE. YOU FUCKING RETARD. VOLCANOES EXIST, MOUNTAINS DO NOT SMOKE POT. AND YOU DO NOT HAVE FUCKING SUPERPOWERS.

Ocho: But I could! What if it turns out I was blasted with grammar rays, and now I can talk to sharks? OCHO CINCO: SHARK TALKER. It all makes sense when you factor in Car Boat.

Marvin: THERE IS NO CAR BOAT! YOU KNOW WHAT? GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM. THE WORLD IS BETTER OFF WITH YOU SEQUESTERED AWAY IN A GODDAMN ROOM, WHERE YOU CAN’T WASTE PEOPLE’S TIME WITH FUCKING GAY PENS, OR INVENTING FERRIES, WHICH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FUCKING INVENTED. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Ocho: I’ll tell you what would cheer me up, Coach. If we signed Ray Lewis. This team was much better when it was stabbier. My socks told me that this morning.

Marvin: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.