One day last week Vinny Cerrato set aside a couple of hours to go on the Mike Wise Show and attempt to explain some things about his tenure with the Redskins. He said some ridiculous things, blamed others for the organizations failures, and agreed to disagree with fans who called in to tell him that he’s incompetent. Fun stuff, no doubt, but not quite enough to satisfy our lust for Vinny blood. That’s why Wise did his due diligence and trekked out to Cerrato’s new palace in the hinterlands outside of Baltimore for a follow-up column.

The finished product is pure magic, so do yourself a favor and read the whole thing. You will laugh, you will be frustrated, but most of all, you will be amazed at this man’s alarming wrongheadedness.

Below the red brick, neo-colonial estate is a marked-off football field, where boys’ names are still legible in the end zone.

“THIS PLACE IS A PALACE! I mean, I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley!”

“I put ‘Vincent’ in one end zone and ‘Charlie’ in the other,’ ” Vinny Cerrato says, referring to his two sons, who are downstairs in the basement with their little sister, Rachel, doing homework. “Pretty nice place, huh?”

“I have had to work hard everyday of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for you lifetime of sloth and ignorance? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and [sniffs] lobsters for dinner!”

This is the house your Adam Archuleta jersey and Gray-Lot parking bought. This is the house Vinny lives in.

Well played, Mr. Wise. Although to be fair, if you bought an Archuleta jersey you have no one to blame but yourself and the bank that allowed you to have a credit card.

It’s a virtual witness protection program for Redskins executives who know too much.

Arugula. It’s a veg-e-table.

There is a movie theater, workout and memorabilia rooms in a basement that stretches forever, all the amenities imaginable

“Yes, that’s me, and the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford…..And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins…..Oh! And here’s a picture of me in outer space.”

“Went to the big-screen store and they said if you buy a 73-inch, you get a 42-incher free,” Cerrato says. “Had to do it.”

!!!

For those who are unfamiliar, The Big Screen Store is a local discount shop that foists this deal (or one like it) off on anyone who walks through the door. You can go in there and ask for a 46″ Samsung LED TV and they will invariably push you towards their 73″ Mitsubishi plasma monstrosities. But wait, there’s more! They’ll throw in a second television that you don’t even need whose cost is covered by the markup on the first one. They might as well call it the Vinny Cerrato special.

Traded for Brandon Lloyd and he said if we tore up his old contract he’d sign a brand new one. Had to do it.

He has written charts on every potential draftee in Mead stenograph binder notebooks. “I did 140 guys, now I just got 80 to go,” he says, gleefully.

There’s a fine line between glee and deranged glee. I feel safe in my assumption that Vinny exists almost exclusively on the other side of said line.

Cerrato does this pro bono, because he is currently working for no one.

Hey, you have to stay sharp, right? The next time the phone rings it could be Scott Pioli on the other end looking for some hot tips.

“I was still a general manager this season – they called me the ‘resident GM’ at 1050 [AM radio] in New York,” he quips.

Before you ask, the answer is yes, that was Malcolm Kelly you heard giving traffic updates on the 8′s.

“Hee-hee,” Cerrato cackles.

If you want context, read the article.

Asked if he watched the NFL draft combine – a monotonous, mind-numbing, four-day long workout of muscled 22-year-olds in Spandex – Cerrato says: “Watched it? I taped it.”

Tape it? I masturbated to it.

In a rare moment of clarity, though, a caller asked whether Cerrato believed the Redskins were better off when he took the job or when he was fired. Thinking back to the one home playoff game under former coach Norv Turner – Jan. 8, 2000; the game ball is encased downstairs – he comes to terms with his tenure.

“I’d have to say unsuccessful,” Cerrato says, nodding for a long while, almost pondering that he just said that word in relation to himself.

But my trip to the Big Screen Store? Wildly successful. They threw in the extended warranty and it only cost me an extra $500! Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go see a man about some beans.

WOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! It feels as if a weight has been lifted off the DC metro area’s collective shoulders. Vinny Cerrato, sworn enemy of all those who don’t hate the Redskins, is finally gone after resigning this morning. As sick as it sounds, this is probably the most satisfying moment Redskins fans have experienced in several years (decades?).

Before we go any further let me just say, ENJOY UNEMPLOYMENT YOU WEASELLY LITTLE FUCKWIT!

Jesus, that feels really good. REALLY FUCKING GOOD. It’s like all of my synapses are firing in unison. Endorphins are doing endorphiny things. GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

/drips

Whew. Okay, enough celebrating. It’s time for some wild speculatin’! Who is going to be the Redskins new GM (or VP of whatever the fuck they want to call it)?

Bruce Allen – Jay Glazer is already reporting that the former Bucs GM and son of legendary Redskins coach George Allen is already in negotiations with Dan Snyder to be the team’s next GM. Because hey, it’s not like Snyder gives a shit about the Rooney Rule. They could side-step the whole “interview a minority candidate” thing by giving Allen a title like VP of Player Personnel. If Allen is the choice then it would only be natural for THIS GUY to become the team’s new head coach. BUT HE HAS A CONTRACT WITH ESPN! A meaningless, easily broken contract. Think of all the goodwill a Gruden hire would generate. Not for Redskins fans, because we’re happy enough as is, but for football fans at large who would surely celebrate anything that gets Gruden out of the MNF booth.

Mike Shanahan – Fuck that. If they were going to hire Shanahan they would have fired Zorn and kept Vinny.

Charley Casserly – This would be kind of awesome, but for it to happen Snyder would have to admit he was wrong to fire Casserly in the first place, and there’s no fucking way that happens.

Mike Holmgren – The timing of Vinny’s departure certainly makes you think Snyder has Holmgren on the mind. The former Seahawks boss wants to settle on a new destination by the end of the year, and he’s been getting pretty cozy with Cleveland. But again, fuck that. Do not want. The Redskins need to hire a new GM, which is why Allen is going to be the choice.

UPDATE: It’s going to be Allen.

Another week, and another demoralizing loss for the Redskins. As if things weren’t quite bad enough the team will now have to do without Clinton Portis for a while after the running back sustained a concussion in Sunday’s loss to the Falcons. But fear not, Redskins fans, because Danny and the Sarge (pictured above looking like assholes) know how to keep the offense running smoothly in Portis’ absence.

If you think their plan has anything to do with leaning heavily on the perfectly capable legs of Ladell Betts (93 yards and a touchdown on 16 touches in relief of Portis) then you obviously aren’t all that familiar with the brain-trust at Redskins Park.

/chokes on half-smoke

Damn, they managed to catch me off guard with that one. After all this time you’d think that nothing coming out of Ashburn could possibly surprise me, then they go and admit to something like this.

Let me be perfectly clear, the Redskins have NOTHING to gain by signing a malcontent prick halfway through the season. Especially one who averages 2.7 yards per carry. The man carries the football the way DeAngelo Hall tackles people (a hug is not a tackle!). And really, even if they were looking at the 2006 Larry Johnson, what is the fucking point? Do they think that this season is somehow salvageable? Do they think that running back depth is the real problem? DO THEY REALIZE THAT LEVI JONES IS THEIR STARTING LEFT TACKLE?

Dan Snyder, you need to break this shit down. Break it down to the foundation, then grab a jackhammer and a backhoe and go deeper. Then when you have a nice big hole, throw Vinny Cerrato in it and hire an actual GM to come in and start rebuilding the foundation (that way Vinny can still feel like he’s a part of things). Redskins fans won’t even care if the team goes 4-12 next year as long as you lose Vinny, ignore free agency, load up on draft picks, and use said picks on guys who play any position other than wide receiver, tight end, defensive back, running back, or quarterbacks (at least during the first day).

Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Jason Campbell — there’s a haircut you could set your watch to.

Int. Il Mulino’s Washinton DC location

Hostess: Hello, welcome to Il Mulino New York. How can I help you this evening?

Mark Sanchez: I’m supposed to be meeting some people from the Washington Redskins for dinner. Do you know if they’ve arrived yet?

Hostess: Yes Mr. Sanchez, I was told to expect you. Mr. Snyder and his guests arrived a few minutes ago, they’re waiting out on the patio.

Sanchez: Thank you.

[Sanchez approaches a table occupied by Dan Snyder, Vinny "Sarge" Cerrato, and Jim Zorn]

Zorn: Oh look, the golden boy is here! Can we order those drinks now?

[Cerrato stands up from the table and feels Sanchez's facial features with his hands]

Cerrato: He’s real.

[Everyone looks at Cerrato as an uncomfortable silence falls over the table]

Snyder: Mark, I can’t tell you what a pleasure it is to have you join us here tonight. Maybe after we draft you we could make this a regular date.

Sanchez: That sounds…cool.

[A waitress approaches]

Waitress: So it looks like everyone has arrived, can I interest you gentlemen in some drinks before dinner?

Zorn: Beer.

Cerrato: Shirley Temple, extra red stuff.

Snyder: I’ll have a glass of the most exclusive Barolo from your private cellar.

Waitress: Oh I’m sorry, but the wines from our private cellar are only available by the bottle.

Snyder: Very well, bring me a glass of the Barolo Riserva and I’ll happily pay for the whole bottle.

Sanchez: I’d love a rum and coke with extra limes

Zorn: [under his breath] Pretty boy.

Snyder: What an intriguing drink order, Mark. It sounds very exotic. My interest is piqued, perhaps I should order one of those as well.

Sanchez: Well you could always try a sip of mine, sir.

Snyder: Aren’t you sweet!

Zorn: [under his breath] Kiss ass.

Snyder: I just want to tell you how glad we are that you chose to pay us a visit just week from the draft. As you may have heard we’ve had our eyes on you for quite some time.

Sanchez: Yes, I’ve noticed. And I must say it is all quite humbling.

Snyder: You can cut that out right now. We aren’t [makes air quotes] “smitten” with you because of your humility. We already have a humble quarterback, and that guy’s getting more humble by the day. What we like about you is your star power.

Sanchez: That’s funny, I’ve never really thought of myself that way before.

Snyder: Well son, it’s time to start. Because we’re going to do whatever it takes to draft you even if it comes at the expense of the rest of the roster. You see, Dallas has Romo and from what Jerry Jones tells me he’s a goddamn star. So I figure that the only way to compete with that is to find our own Romo, and wouldn’t you know, there’s a photogenic Mexican-American quarterback sitting there just begging to be plucked.

[The waitress sets down everyone's drinks]

Snyder: Hey, thanks doll. Now tell me, doesn’t this young man here have the face of a star?

Waitress: Eh, he’s okay I guess. Put him in a Vineyard Vines polo, some plaid shorts, and a pair of good boat shoes and I’d probably give him anal.

Sanchez: Uh…thank you?

[An obese and apparently drunk Redskins fan stumbles towards the table]

Fan: HEY COOCH, WHAT’RE YA DOIN HERE WITH THAT QUARTEEBACK FROM USC? WE’VE ALREADY GOT A QUARTEEBACK COOCH, YA GOTTA GIVE COOOLT A SHOT. HE’S A CORE REDSKIN!

Zorn: Did he just call me a cooch?

Snyder: What do you gentlemen say we move this party back to the dining room?

Cerrato: Right behind you as always, Mr. Snyder.

Snyder: Okay Vinny, but you can leave the crayons and kid’s menu here.

Cerrato: But I haven’t finished the maze yet!

Snyder: Fine, bring it with you if you must.

Cerrato: It’s a tough one, Mr. Snyder. I may have to take it home tonight for some extra study time.

Snyder: Very good, Vinny.

[The group is seated at a private table near the back of the restaurant]

Snyder: Yes, this is much better, no distractions here. Except of course for the menu.

Sanchez: The caprese salad does sound delicious.

Zorn: [audibly] What a bitch.

[Silence]

Zorn: Oh god, did I say that out loud?

Snyder: I think you’d better explain yourself. Right now.

Zorn: I’m sorry Mark, I didn’t mean anything by it. I’m in a tough position here because as the coach of the Redskins I already have a quarterback that I’m happy with. Jason may not have your star power or whatever else it is that Mr. Snyder sees in you, but with him I know what I’m getting and I truly believe we can progress as a team with him running my offense. Now I’m sure that you’re going to make a fine quarterback no matter where you play in the NFL, but I just don’t think you’re the right fit for our team at this point in time. Unfortunately I allowed my emotions to get the better of me and I apologize for what I said. If Mr. Snyder is able to obtain your services through the draft I will look forward to working with you to make this Redskins team the best it can be.

Snyder: Jim, you’re fired.

Zorn: What?

Snyder: Congratulations Vinny, I’m promoting you to head coach.

Cerrato: [chokes on an ice cube]

Zorn: This is ridiculous.

Snyder: Stop struggling Vinny, the heat of your throat will melt that cube in no time.

Sanchez: I think I’ll have the veal.

Snyder: God I love you so fucking much. Hey, who wants to have a sleepover?

Vinny: [Swallows more ice]

I’m sorry, but my only feelings on the potential trade involving Jay Cutler, Jason Cambpell, and a first round pick or three can only be articulated after the jump.

Dear god, somebody barricade Dan Snyder and Vinny “Sarge” Cerrato in a fucking mineshaft until Jay Cutler is off the trade market. The idea of giving up on Jason Campbell and trading away a first round pick for this Vanderbitch is enough to make me stab a Ravens fan and/or a hobo. Granted, Campbell isn’t one of the league’s elite quarterbacks at this point (and he may never be), but giving up on him now after all the time they’ve put in to making this work is exactly the kind of shit that makes everybody hate this front office.

Instead of going after a bitchass quarterback these assholes need to just calm the fuck down and draft a lineman. It might not be fun, and the press conference might be sparsely attended, but NONE OF THAT FUCKING MATTERS! For the love of God, for once please just make a sound football decision and use the pick to add some depth to the offensive or defensive line (your pick!)

/dick joke

The Axis of Dipshittery strikes again.

So this morning I woke up to news that the Redskins have inked both Albert “Stubblefield 2.0″ Haynesworth and DeAngelo Hall to long-term contracts worth a combined $155 million, $64 million of which is guaran-damn-teed.

ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME, ASSHOLES? HAVE WE NOT BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE? ARE YOU FUCKING SCHMUCKS TRYING TO FUCK US IN THE ASS FOR THE NEXT FIVE YEARS? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST BOUGHT ANOTHER FAILING THEME PARK? DOES IT EVEN BOTHER YOU THAT EVERY VETERAN IN THE LEAGUE LOOKS UPON YOUR FRANCHISE AS A PLACE TO COME GET PAID BEFORE TANKING FOR THE NEXT THREE YEARS? WHY DON’T YOU FUCKERS GO TAKE A FEW DOZEN SPINS ON THE BATMAN RIDE AT SIX FLAGS OVER GEORGIA?

With all that being said, WE HAVE THE BEST D-TACKLE IN THE GAME AND WE’RE GOING TO THE FUCKIN’ SUPER BOWL, WOOOOOOOOO! WHO’S WITH ME?

“I’M WITH YA, MAJ! BOOK THE PLANE TICKETS, MA, WE’RE PLAYIN’ ON SUPER SUNDEEEEEEE!”

Kill me.

Update: My man Wale weighs in on the overnight signings via Twitter: “i love hall…i think hes great…i just feel like we need an effective reciver to go with moss..randel el isnt whats hot in the streets”

So very true.

1. I never feel more needed then when I fetch Mister Snyder’s slippers after his evening bath.

2. I was born with the same exact teeth I have today.

3. I offered Adam Dunn $25 million, but he signed with the Nationals instead.

4. I tried to molest every single kid on the set of Kindergarten Ninja, but their parents were always hovering around like buzzards circling my career.

5. I still use the name Sergeant Antonelli as an alias when meeting children for the first time. I’ve found it puts them at ease. Stupid children.

6. I cut my own hair.

7. The only book I’ve ever read is How to Succeed In Business Without Ever Trying.

8. I once successfully landed a big-name recruit at Notre Dame by kidnapping the player’s kid sister. Don’t worry though, I let her out of the closet in the coach’s office as soon as his eligibility ran out.

9. I drive a Dodge Stratus.

10. I wear both my National Champion ring and a Super Bowl Ring at all times. You don’t see them because they’re on my cock.

11. If things don’t work out with the Redskins I’ve been promised a job operating the Flying Carousel at new Six Flags Dubailand.

12. I stopped sleeping 20 years ago.

13. My pores excrete an as-of-yet unidentified viscous substance when I feel threatened.

14. I’m still holding out hope that one day my other testicle will descend. Stubborn little fucker.

15. I wish people would call me Il Duce without me having to ask them.

16. During the season I’ve been known to sleep at the foot of Mister Snyder’s bed like an obedient dog.

17. One time my laughter attracted the interest of a hyena during mating season.

18. I’m on the governments “no fly” list because i once bit a flight attendant in the neck. Thank god for private planes.

19. I suffer from halitosis.

20. I am 1/32nd vampire.

21. Are we almost done? We just fired the guy that used to handle all of my counting duties.

22. Lou Holtz gave me a job, but only after taking my virginity.

23. I used to wrestle in Mexico under the alias “El Burro Impotente”

24. I have never taken a bowel movement.

25. Spit roasting is easily the best way to cook fresh puppy. If you’re using canned puppy then you sicken me to my very core.

Image via The Bog