Cleveland Browns fan John Thompson, better known by his nom de fatass “Big Dawg”, has apparently reached a settlement with “Madden NFL” manufacturer Electronic Arts. Thompson, the living embodiment of every negative Cleveland stereotype, sued EA over its use of his likeness (i.e. husky man in a dog mask) in their video games. Congratulations, sir, hopefully the settlement will cover your fines, legal fees and court costs in your OTHER legal matter. [makes "drinky, drinky motion ] If you have a few minutes, you owe it to yourself to cruise the comments in that cleveland.com article. [Thanks to miamidiesel for the link.]

Now a look at a god-awful crop of early games…

What if I told you that the only watchable game among the 1pm slate involved the Cincinnati Bengals. Is that something you would be interested in?

Cincinnati at Baltimore—Two 3-1 teams battling for first place in the AFC North yet Ochocinco has managed to hijack the buzz for himself. Ray Lewis shouldn’t have to worry about roughing the passer penalties this week since the league doesn’t care about Carson Palmer’s knees. At least Lewis will get to watch a premier pass rusher in action this week– Antwan Odom.

Minnesota at St. Louis—I wonder if Brett Favre and prospective Rams’ owner Rush Limbaugh would trade pill stories? “Sure team doctors are great, but Panamanian housekeepers are clutch!!!”

Washington at Carolina—Good new for Jim Zorn. If everyone keeps turning Daniel Snyder down, he’ll HAVE to bring you back.

Oakland at NY Giants—Look for a huge upset in this one. (This prediction brought to you by drinking Jim Beam at 10am.)

Tampa Bay at Philadelphia—It doesn’t seem fair that Philly has three quarterbacks while the hapless Bucs have none. Couldn’t Goodell let D-Mac play “all-time quarterback” today? That always worked when I was a kid.

Pittsburgh at Detroit—Matthew Stafford is out this week with a bum knee. This could be Daunte Culpepper’s big chance to show the league he still has what it ta—. Naw, just yanking your chain, he’s gonna get killed out there today.

Dallas at Kansas City—Would be the grand marshal of the shitshow parade, if it wasn’t for…

Cleveland at Buffalo—People in this country are going through hard times. Unemployment and high interest rates abound. On the weekend, they need an escape from the drudgery of their workaday lives. They shouldn’t have to be subjected to games like this. Hopefully broadcast of this game is limited to the Lake Erie area.

Enjoy the games, Ape will be around later for the 4pm tilt.

Electronic Arts tried to keep the new Madden in the conversation for an extra blogcycle a few days ago by claiming that there were nine “finalists” for the cover of the Madden ‘10 game (which included Matt Cassel for some reason), when really it turned out to be the duo that the Arizona Republic reported a few weeks back. And yeah yeah, it’s the first time more than one player has appeared on the cover and a plague will befall both these men by the next sunfall. Really, I just wish they’d let you hit people after the play again. But I guess they’re saving that for when they stick Terrell Suggs on the front.

But what special features can we expect with the programmers tailoring the game to these two? Other than extensive hair care ads to be prominently displayed, of course.

POLAMALU:

Hey, it’s a match-up for former number 1 picks who actually panned out into pretty good players. What’s more, it’s a situation in which the two players actually interact with one another, not like when two superstar players who both play offense or defense happen to be in the same game and we have to pretend one’s performance can affect the other. Hey, look Purple Jesus put 125 on the ‘Skins. He totally shut down Clinton Portis! Anyway, WHO YA GOT?

Madden has become a cultural totem in the sense that people with little knowledge of football and video games can use it as a means to belittle those who do. And we need that. Without cultural shorthand, we’d actually have to try things before dismissing them as ridiculous.

It’s also a pretty fun game.

In the days when I was dewy-eyed, filled with wonder and had disposable income, I would reserve my copy of Madden in advance, not realizing that if you just went to Toys ‘R’ Us on the release date, they had 38 copies available while all the Herbs were clamoring at gaming stores.

But I miss the connection that only comes with rampant consumerism and misplaced priorities. So, to commune with my fellow Maddenites, last night before the midnight release I went to the nearest videogamery, which is the Gamestop on Duke Street in Alexandria, Va.

When I arrived at 10 p.m. to behold the assembled dregs, there were only two guys waiting outside the store. Hardly the throng I expected. One was a short, squat black guy in a Jason Campbell jersey. I thought it might have been the Maj, but he was carrying less than an ounce of weed.

The gate barring the front door was shuttered but you could see the store employees milling around inside.

I asked if they knew whether they’d reopen at midnight to sell the game. One of them said the store would start taking money at 10:10 and people would have to come back at midnight, because the store wouldn’t want to do any of that direct money for goods shit.

A store employee peeked through the gate to tell the guy they were moving it back to 10:15.

“Okay, okay, I’m gonna wait here,” he told the clerk. “So you better open up at 15. ‘Cause if you’re not open at 10:15, I’m calling Alexandria poe-lease and report you.”

After four minutes I decided I’d had enough.

I didn’t take any pictures of the two guys but on the way back I snapped this one of a humorously named Chinese carryout near my home.

Oh, and I think this Madden has gang tackles or something. And a roster update, which is all most of us ask of it. Excelsior!

You might have heard about this new game, All-Pro Football 2K8 (that’s gamer language for “Too Kate” — which I assume is a a tender dedication from the game’s programmer to e-lover). It’s the one that couldn’t get licensing from the NFL so they simply created their own fictional franchises and stocked the rosters with former NFL legends. While the game’s cover features such respectable citizens as John Elway, Jerry Rice, and Barry Sanders (very careful to put the white guy in the middle) the real star is on the inside…

(watch it all, the highlight comes at the very end).

Now let’s recap…

You’ve got OJ Simpson in a video game. Fair enough.

You make OJ the star player on a team called The Assassins. Pretty Questionable.

Your mascot for the Assassins is a giant, hooded, knife-wielding maniac who celebrates touchdowns with a stabbing motion? Bellissimo!

I find this intriguing and I believe it’s my duty to expand on the idea. Here are my suggestions for All-Pro Football 2K9 (e-bestiality is not cool!)…

We welcome your Player/Team/Mascot (and/or logo) suggestions in the comments.

Esurance customer associate: Hello, how may I help you?

Vince Young: “Everyone imposes his own system as far as his army can reach.”

Esurance customer associate: …excuse me? Hello? Sir?

VY: “God gave Noah the rainbow sign. No more water, the fire next time.”

ECA: I’m not quite sure what you’re trying to tell me, sir.

VY: Goddammit! Your ad says quote, buy, print. How many more quotes I have to give you?

ECA: Oh. [laughs] You misunderstood. It means you can log onto our web site, provide your pertinent personal information, get a price quote, buy a policy and print it out at home.

VY: I knew I shoulda gotten Jeff Fisher to do this. But his dialing hand is all worn out from the fist pumping.

ECA: Maybe you can explain to me what you’re trying to do and I can refer you to the correct department.

VY: Okay. EA Sports just told me they’re gonna put me on the cover of the next Madden game. Now, I love the Madden game. If books were like the Madden game, I would have read every book since NFL Proust Reading ‘92, with the fuzzy graphic words that get tackled as soon as they run into an opposing word. But bad shit always happens to people who get put on the cover so I need some Vince Young insurance.

ECA: Well, sir, we’re an auto insurance company. We don’t put policies out on athletes.

VY: Yeah, auto, as in automatic. Gimme some of that automatic insurance.

ECA: That’s auto as in automobile insurance.

VY: Fuck. I just talked to Mike Vick and he explained all the bad experiences he had being on the cover. Now he even insures his weed. Against fire damage, no less. I don’t know how he found a company willing to do that. He was watching TV when we were on the phone and your commercial came on and he wanted me to call to ask if the girl from your commercials could save him from his evil robot coffee maker. And while I was at it, I should get some insurance.

ECA: I haven’t the slightest idea how help you.

VY: Hmmm. Can I just talk to the cute pink haired girl?

ECA: You mean Erin Esurance? She’s a fictional mascot the company uses for advertising campaigns.

VY: Yeah, she’s probably out on a classified mission or something. You tell her I liked that touchdown she scored against the blizzard robot. I’m gonna try that shit against Jacksonville.

ECA: I…uh…

VY: She’s also had baseball and basketball commercials. That’s one sporty chick. I bet she puts some baseball eye black around her snatch. I’d like to give her some of my patented sidearm delivery. KnawhaI’msayin’?

ECA:…

VY: You’re right. My mechanics are kinda bad. That’s why I did so bad on the Wonderlic. I tried to write all my answers on the side of the paper. Man, side of the paper is less than a millimeter thick. I must only got, like, five answers on there.

ECA: …

VY: Anyway, you need to tell her to leave that mumbly caesar haircut-having white dude she’s with. Then again, he’s probably one of those smart-ass Herbs that girls hang around to cheat off on tests. Girls are clever like that.

ECA:…

VY: All right, well, fuck this shit. I’ll be fine. But I gotta run though. Albert Haynesworth wants to practice his stomping action on my throwing arm. Y’know, toughen that shit up.