(Giants weight room)

Justin Tuck: Hey Coach McGaughey, what’s the rotation today?

McGaughey: We got dot drills, then heavy legs to follow.

Justin Tuck: Oh man, not those fucking dot drills. We did box jumps yesterday and my groin in on fucking fire. C’mon, man. We gotta taper a bit. I’m not gonna have anything left.

McGaughey: I keep telling you, do it now, and you’ll breeze through camp. Besides, I can’t veer off the regimen. (whispers) He’s watching us.

Justin Tuck: Who’s watching us?

(door flies open)

Justin Tuck: No, Coach. It wasn’t anything like that. I’m just don’t want to overdo it.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: DON’T WANNA FUCKING OVERDO IT?! I WILL FUCKING STOMP ON YOUR COCK UNTIL IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIP OF BACON, BACON-DICK! TOUGHEN UP, YOU LITTLE FUCKING COCKRUBBER! YOU’RE FUCKING WEAK AND USELESS, TUCK! YOU AREN’T READY FOR FUCKING WAR! WARRRRRR!!!!

Justin Tuck: Okay, okay. I’ll do the box drills.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: FUCK YOU, SON. FUCK YOU WITH A BEDPOST. YOU’RE GONNA DO DOT DRILLS UNTIL YOU’RE SPEWING BLOOD! THEN YOU’RE GONNA RUN UNTIL YOU’RE STEPPING ON YOUR OWN FUCKING TONGUE! THEN WE’RE GONNA RUN FUCKING HILLS! NO WAIT, FUCK THAT. WE’RE RUNNING CLIFF FACES. YOU WILL RUN 700 CLIFF FACES, YOU WEAK GLASS OF MAXIPAD DRIBBLE!

Justin Tuck: Okay.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: YOU FUCKING CALL ME SIR, CUMQUENCHER!

Justin Tuck: Yes, sir. (mumbles) Big jerk.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin WHAT WAS THAT?! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?! YOU LITTLE TITJABBER! TOO BUSY NURSING YOUR DADDY’S COCK TO SPEAK UP, FUCKHOLE?! YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF 500 BURPEES AND 12,000 HANGING SIT UPS, YOU FUCKING SMEGMA EATER!

Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: AND I DON’T WANT YOU SHOWING UP LATE ANYMORE, YOU LITTLE TURDPUSHER!

Justin Tuck: Late for what? It was the day off today. I just came in to work out.

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: THERE ARE NO DAYS OFF IN FOOTBALL, PUSSYRAG! YOU FUCKING HEAR ME?! THIS IS YOUR MANDATORY OFFSEASON WORKOUT PROGRAM! YOU FUCKING MISS ONE GODDAMN LAT PULL AND I WILL DROWN YOU IN THE SHITTER! I WANT YOU AT THIS FACILITY ONE HOUR BEFORE O’DARK THIRTY EVERY MORNING!

Justin Tuck: What time is that?

Sergeant Tom Coughlin: RIGHT FUCKING NOW, FUCKWHEAT! YOU’RE ALREADY LATE FOR TOMORROW’S WORKOUT! YOU FUCKING BEST UNFUCK YOURSELF TUCK, OR SO HELP ME GOD I WILL CUT YOUR THROAT AND RAPE YOUR JUGULAR! YOU HEAR ME, FUCK BREATH?! FUCK!

Justin Tuck: Yes, sir.

(Coughlin leaves)

McGaughey: You know, I gotta say: He’s been WAY nicer ever since we won the Super Bowl.

Justin Tuck: Definitely.