Without question my favorite of the bunch. Brian adds, “We’ve been doing this all wrong. This Mr. Suh is okay! He’s a Husker, he’s in New York– we get this guy laid, we won’t have any trouble!”

Winner.

Read the rest of this entry »

Read the rest of this entry »

Are you tired of burning oak like some kind of god damn hobo? Then you might want to take part in the hot new trend by ordering some designer birch firewood from Minnesota. The good stuff retails for more than $1 per pound (plus shipping), which is about what Sam Hurd pays for his weed. The best part? “I don’t have to worry about ugly wood.” Thank god. That frees up so much valuable time to worry about your NFL picks.

Last week: 9-6
Overall: 95-101-3
Read the rest of this entry »

I can’t believe that Bonfire Brewing started marketing their forthcoming Tebrew barleywine before I could get a trademark on my new wine, Tempranebow. Hmmm, it’s probably for the best now that I think about it.

Tampa Bay’s new interim coach is… Raheem Morris! The Glazers were all set to fire last year’s hot coach, only to realize that his staff is so crappy that they wouldn’t have anyone to take his place. Well played, Raheem. Peter King and Mike Florio think the Bucs should give Tiki Barber a shot. He already knows Ronde!

Good thing kids in Boston get all of their news from Barstool. Patriots punter Zoltan “ZOLTAN” Mesko went on the local news to tell everyone that Santa isn’t real. Even Julian Edelman knows better than to say that within earshot of children. Also, Tom Brady looked silly.

The only Blue Moon he’s familiar with is brewed by Coors. Apparently Aaron Rodgers is a Man City supporter. Hey, first place teams have to stick together. Besides, who wouldn’t want to cheer on Citeh with the likes of Noel and Liam Gallagher. That’s a classy fanbase they’ve got.

Senile old man says crazy things. Redskins radio broadcaster Sam Huff thinks the suspensions of Trent Williams and Fred Davis were too severe. Because of Christmas.

Congratulations to this week’s Meast, Jason Pierre-Paul of the New York Giants. Not only did JPP record six tackles, two sacks, a forced fumble, and a safety, he also single-handedly made sure that the Cowboys would lose for the second straight week. The only downside is that he didn’t give Jason Garrett the opportunity to make a fool of himself in overtime. Pierre-Paul now has 12.5 sacks on the year, leading to assumptions that he might be pretty good at this football stuff.

Read the rest of this entry »

Read the rest of this entry »

Every year Neiman Marcus releases their Christmas Book to remind you that you’re hopelessly poor. One of this year’s fanciful fantasy gifts is a $45,000 ping pong table made out of rubber. According to the description, when not in use the table doubles as art. Good thing, because $45,000 seems like a lot to pay for a super bouncy ping pong table.

Last week: 7-9
Overall: 86-95-3

I’m terrible. I don’t deserve a ping pong table or art, let alone both.

Read the rest of this entry »

Meet Indiana’s answer to Kige Ramsey. Bonus points for having his own cameraman. When in doubt, always zoom in on the Vienna Sausages.

Thanks to reader Steven, who is on lock-down in Blacksburg.

Read the rest of this entry »

Insurance companies spend a ton of money on advertising, and they don’t even have a product anyone really wants. Kind of like Keystone Light. The good news is that most of you will get to watch Aaron Rodgers in to the evening. The bad news is that you’ll have to endure five or six State Farm ads in that time.

The rest of the late games are pretty trashy. Cleveland and Arizona could make things interesting, but there’s little hope for the Rams. A.J. Feeley will get the start for Sam Bradford.

Baltimore at Cleveland ★★
Dallas at Arizona ★★
Green Bay at New York Giants ★★★
St. Louis at San Francisco ★