Greetings from the Meadowlands, I’m here live with Washington’s coach Jim Zorn just minutes before his team is scheduled to begin the season against one of last season’s NFC Wildcard teams. He’s granted us a few moments for some questions before taking the field.
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Dallas cornerback Terence Newman had never been on a roller coaster before, so some of those diligent mainstream media types decided to take him for his virgin ride on Tony Hawk’s Big Spin. The monstrosity pictured is the newest attraction at Six Flags over Texas (owned by Dan Snyder of course), and while it might not look scary to you it’s enough to frighten the testicles out of a Pro Bowl cornerback. The video from Michael Ainsworth at the Dallas Morning News follows after the jump in all of its shrieking glory.
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Sure, I enjoy competing in fantasy leagues with old friends and a bunch of shit-eating bloggers, but I’d give it all up to play in any league with Fred Smoot. Speaking of which, I wonder how he’ll react to the latest news on his boy “Timmy” Brady. Throw in the delightful trio of Mercedes Lindsay, Christy Cooley, and the kicker’s piece of ass and you pretty much have the perfect draft. Sure Santana Moss and the ladies’ team is a bit slow at times, but they still bring more to the table than Shanoff.

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Competitor (seed): Julius Frazier Peppers (6)

Nickname: Pep

Height: 6′7″

Weight: 283

Reach: If you can see him he can hit you.

Sponsor: Orange Julius

Ring Music: Eric B. and Rakim’s Relax With Pep

Hometown: Bailey, NC

Pedigree: Julius’s parents must have known their son was going to be a ridiculous athlete considering that they named him after Dr. J and Clyde Frazier.

Strength: He’s the best pure athlete in the competition.

Weakness: He’d rather be playing basketball.

Predilection towards violence: Ingesting the wrong dietary supplement could put him in a rage and/or lead to a suspension.

Fighting Style: Julius relies heavily on his ring generalship, aided by his brilliant footwork and outstanding reach.
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My online sportsbook of choice, Bodog Life, is known for some of their rather unusual prop and future bets. Now I’ve made no secret of my fondness for wagering on American Idol results, and any other stupid shit that can make daily life more entertaining and profitable. So when I learned that Bodog was offering odds on the first NFL player to wind up in cuffs this season I was intrigued. Then I looked at their list, a list that fails to include even one token white guy! Apparently Bodog feels that the only guys worth mentioning in the same sentence as “NFL player arrested” are black, and some of them don’t even make the slightest bit of sense.

Chris Henry, Bengals: 4/6

Well yeah, obviously. If we were just betting on whether a player would get busted or not in the next year I’d be all over this, but if it’s just the first guy to get arrested then I’ll need some better odds.

Pacman Jones, Cowboys: 1/1

Fair enough, but again, the odds are a joke.

Tank Johnson, Cowboys: 2/1

Shit, Tank lives in Texas now. If he gets caught with another cache of handguns and assault rifles he’s going to be nominated for a seat on the state senate. Of course there’s still a decent chance he could get pulled over for driving while black again, but they can’t actually charge him with that (outside of Mississippi).

Ray Lewis, Ravens: 5/1

Ever since Ray watched his buddies kill that guy and got caught obstructing justice he’s been a model citizen. Thanks, Jesus!

Steve Smith, Panthers: 5/1

As far as I know, Steve Smith has never been convicted of any sort of crime (and no, punching a teammate in practice is not going to get you arrested any time soon). What I do know (thanks Wiki!) is that he was raised by his mother, a drug counselor who taught him to stay away from that shit. As an adult he’s been a dedicated family man who has partnered with fellow Carolinians Dell Curry and Jay Bilas to form Athletes United for Youth. Oh, and most recently he began interning at Morgan Stanley’s Charlotte branch. HIDE THE WOMEN AND CHILDREN!

Kellen Winslow, Browns: 6/1

Kellen’s record is cleaner than Brady Quinn’s jersey, and if being a douchebag was an arrestable offense in Ohio the whole state would be be on lockdown.

Randy Moss, Patriots: 10/1

Sure, Randy has had some off-field issues in the past, but what jury would ever convict a guy of bumping a traffic cop or getting blazed “once in a blue moon?” Besides, as long as he’s playing in New England nobody’s gonna fuck with him. Unless of course he has a bad game, in which case Tommy’s buddies on the force will waste little time planting crack all over his person.

Ricky Williams, Dolphins: 15/1

Seriously, leave the poor fucking guy alone. Ricky’s never been behind bars because there ain’t shit wrong with a little bit (or a lot) of weed. Ricky, who suffers from Social Anxiety Disorder (like half of the blogosphere), once told ESPN that, “Marijuana is 10 times better for me than Paxil.” Frankly he must have been high when he said that, because marijuana is at least 100,000 times better than Paxil. Sure one gives you the munchies and cotton mouth, but the other one makes you fat and impotent. If anybody should be arrested it’s those cockbags in the pharmaceutical industry (except for whoever developed Xanax, that shit’s alright).

So who does belong on this list with guys like Henry and Pacman? Chris Mottram at the Sporting Blog lobbies for the inclusion of master drunk driver Jared Allen and cokehead Matt Jones, but why stop there? Surely there are more white guys worthy of inclusion on such a list, not to mention all of those mysterious Samoans.

Please include your picks for players (of any race) most likely to get arrested in the comment section.

Oh, and Dennis Northcutt is officially off the board.

The best division in football, right up until Donovan McNabb gets hurt, Eli Manning returns to mediocrity, Jon Jansen gets Jason Campbell killed, and the Dallas Cowboys are smote by a just God.

WASHINGTON REDSKINS

A Few Fast Facts About the Redskins
- Right now Sean Taylor’s killer is being brutally raped. And if he isn’t, he certainly should be.
- Redskins fans have been so used to Joe Gibbs and his penchant for deflecting criticism from his players that Jim Zorn’s willingness to criticize rookies for being out of shape and call his offensive line’s performance “soft” has everybody in a tizzy. It’s going to take a while to get used to a coach who doesn’t run his team like a sermonizing grandfather who thinks everybody is fucking blind.
- Contrary to unpopular belief, Chief Zee doesn’t wear “red-face”.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 7.5

Verdict: Over. Sure they’re coming off of a 47-3 loss that had me screaming like Buzz Bissinger on a PCP bender, but hey, it’s just the pre-season, right? right?!?! FUCK ME LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL! GOD DAMN IT REED DOUGHTY, IF YOU COULD HEAR YOU MIGHT NOTICE THE WIDE RECEIVERS TRAMPLING PAST YOU! AND WHY THE FUCK DOES OUR LINE LOOK LIKE THEY’RE WEARING FUCKING ROLLER SKATES?! So yeah, Super Bowl or bust!

NEW YORK GIANTS

A Few Fast Facts About the Giants
- Kate Mara never thought she’d miss Jeremy Shockey’s constant attempts to shove his hand down her pants, but she totally does.
- Michael Strahan won’t really come back for $8 million and “a few kind words,” but if you throw in an enema administered by his ex-wife’s sister then you might have yourself a deal.
- David Tyree is from Montclair, New Jersey, otherwise known as the home of one Peter King. Also, he’s still not a very good football player.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Osi’s done for the year, Strahan isn’t coming back, and the secondary blows without a pass rush. But hey, at least they have Eli and his equally unstoppable Citizen EcoDrive. They’ll finish below .500 and Coughlin will probably kill himself before the season’s over.

DALLAS COWBOYS

A Few Fast Facts About the Cowboys
- Roy Williams is actually worse than Reed Doughty.
- Tony Romo finds himself more and more intellectually stimulated by Jessica Simpson every day. Just another example of how spending time in Dallas will make you dumber.
- Wade Phillips is intent on teaching Adam Jones how to be a good teammate. In return Jones is going to teach Wade how to eat the one thing on which he’s never indulged. Pussy.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 10.5

Verdict: Over. Yeah, I guess they’re pretty good. But they’ll figure out a fun new way to fuck up the playoffs.

PHILADELPHIA EAGLES

A Few Fast Facts About the Eagles
- The Reid family went with Mormonism because they thought Christian Scientists had too many pesky rules. Apparently praying to Jesus to get you high doesn’t work nearly as well as a few fistfuls of Vicodin with an OxyContin chaser.
- Donovan McNabb finds Jimmy Rollins’ ideas intriguing and he’d like to subscribe to his newsletter.
- DeSean Jackson is like Usain Bolt without the size, strength, precision, and speed. But he’s still going to fuck up everybody’s shit.
- Everyone knows that Brian Westbrook is versatile, but did you know that he once fucked his girlfriend in ten different positions in one night? While he’s perfectly capable of lining up in her slot he’d rather come out of her backfield.

Vegas Over/Under For 2008: 8.5

Verdict: Under. Andy Reid will finally throw Donovan McNabb under the bus, and Brian Westbrook will realize that there’s no real point in trying anymore.

Competitor (seed): Patrick Willis (7)

Nickname: The Rolling Ball of Butcher Knives

Height: 6′1″

Weight: 242 lbs.

Reach: That nickname (bestowed upon him by Brad Childress)

Sponsor: Under Armor

Ring Music: Boom

Hometown: Bruceton, Tennessee, the home of literally dozens of other people.

Pedigree: Patrick had the kind of tragic childhood that we’ve seen from countless boxers over the years. The Peterson brothers are a great example of how boxing can help young men learn proper focus and discipline in the wake of tragedy.

Strength(s): Seeking. Destroying.

Weakness: Fudge

Predilection towards violence: Paternal neglect oftentimes results in pent up aggression.

Fighting Style: Willis is a whirling dervish in the ring. He’s going to throw punches, and if you’re too crazy/slow to stay out of his way you’re gonna have a bad day.

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Many have often wondered what would happen when you combined the urban camo-clad fucktards from Baltimore with the the dipshits who bother to vote (some 75k times) in ESPN’s inane Sports Nation polls. Well now we know that the answer is rampant dumbfuckery of the highest order.

The WWL recently asked fans to vote for the greatest player in their franchise’s history, and this is what the results look like for the Ravens…

Yeah, the fucking kicker. Those Natty Boh swilling, scrotum sniffing assholes picked some lily white piece of shit as their most accomplished football player because he was able to provide points when Trent Dilfer couldn’t get the ball inside the twenty.

Now Stover was pretty damn good for a little Greek kicker, but even Stefan Fatsis has to be blown away by the overwhelming retardation of this poll result (I’d ask him, but he’s busy standing next to his book display at Kramer’s while trying to look nonchalant desperately waiting to say “Why yes, I am Stefan Fatsis!”).

Don’t you assholes realize that Jonathan Ogden is quite possibly the second best tackle (Munoz) in the history of football? Have you already forgotten that he was the first player your sorry relocated franchise ever drafted en route to 11 consecutive Pro Bowls?

So please explain to me how this man can only garner 4.4% of your vote while a fucking kicker racked up better than half of the total. Unless of course you’re just ruling out Ogden because he’s a brother from DC. Because I think everyone expects a bit more from the city of Baltimore.

What’s that? They don’t? Yeah, probably not.

You may have heard that Peter King was in attendance for his man’s debut as a New York Jet, but did you know that the stadium itself was just half full (including the two seats occupied by King)?

4. I think I don’t want to hear what great fans the Jets have. Not for a long time. That crowd Saturday night was a disgrace. At least half the stadium was empty (Ed. Note: such a pessimist!) for Favre’s debut in a Jets’ uniform. I expressed my amazement to a few fellow scribes Saturday night — emphasizing that N.Y. traded for an all-time-great quarterback, not a broken-down one — and they gave varying reasons for the poor turnout. Like it’s the middle of vacation month for New Yorkers, and it’s a preseason game. Horsefeathers. If you really love your team, and you have season tickets, you should have been at that game unless you were in Tibet. Ridiculous.

I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you assholes? What does it take for you to recognize and appreciate the unbridled majesty of pre-season greatness?

For fuck’s sake, the man threw five passes and you missed it! I demand an explanation from you self-described “fans” of the Jets right this minute.

Steve from West Orange: Every August I take the family to Montauk for two weeks. You know, it helps us to reconnect after the summer and before the kids head back to school. Besides, it was just a preseason game, so I was happy to watch the first half on television.

BULLCOCK! That kind of attitude is what’s wrong with America today. You had a chance to take your family to see one of this nation’s greatest heroes take the field for ten minutes and instead you chose to spend that time on vacation? You sir, are an ungrateful little shit who does not deserve to attend a single regular season game. Your children would be better off laying raped and murdered in a Trenton alley than they would under your care.

Ridiculous.

He has been known to enjoy ham and cheese on white bread with miracle whip alongside a tall glass of warm milk.

He began puberty at the age of ten, but he didn’t finish until he was twenty-six.

His imaginary friend has a Masters degree in applied mathematics and suffers from social anxiety disorder.

He is from New Orleans, but his personality screams “Mississippi!”

He doesn’t just pose for the cover of Men’s Vogue, he is Men’s Vogue.

On his honeymoon he mastered Sudoku for Kids.

He is the inspiration behind the Banana Guard.

He is the least interesting man in the world…
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