We have four late afternoon affairs to keep you from venturing outdoors today, including three divisional contests. The Jets are in New England, and they’ve already learned that OWAH TAWMFOOLAHRY IS MOAR DISRUPTIVE THAN YOUAH TAWMFOOLAHRY.

- The Jets received an unwelcome wake-up call last night when the fire alarm at the team’s hotel was set off, prompting a complete evacuation. The Jets immediately suspected foul play, but their concerns were put to rest with a completely plausible explanation. You see, some maintenance workers were doing a bit of routine middle-of-the-night stairwell sanding. Obviously this created a cloud of dust that managed to set off the smoke alarm. It’s so absurd that it has to be true.

- Cue up the sad walking away music from The Incredible Hulk in Denver, because San Diego is going to hand the Broncos their fourth consecutive loss. Chris Simms will get the start in place of Kyle Orton, so Tom Brandstater should probably start getting loose now.

- Arizona is in St. Louis, but this game is barely being televised, so it doesn’t really count.

- Cincinnati starts their three week vacation today against the Raiders in Oakland, after which they return home to host Cleveland and Detroit. It’s going to be pure hell. Cedric Benson is officially inactive this week, not that it should matter.

Photo via Yahoo!

Welcome back for another fun week of poorly thought out wagers. While you’re sitting there reading this I’m locked in a very large warehouse counting a lot of stuff while trying to limit my dust intake. Good times. Anyway, I was able to find three of the world’s foremost football prognosticators to assist with this week’s picks.

Smooth Jimmy Apollo: I hereby declare the Lions Smooth Jimmy’s Lock of the Week. When you lose 90% of the time you’re bound to win 10% of the time.

Unnamed Sportscaster: I declare the Colts to be my Shoe-In of the Week. And I really wish that Jay Kogen had given me a name. I am so lonely.

Professor Frink: After analyzing millions of pieces of data, the Gamble Tron 2000 says the winner is… the Falcons, by 200 points?!

In all seriousness, I have a machine that tells me to pick the Falcons every week. It has become sentient, and I have come to fear for my well being. Enjoy the games, and please never listen to anyone’s gambling advice. People are stupid. Stupider than machines.

Image courtesy of NY Post via Upstate Underdog

Here’s some more of this lovely young woman for your enjoyment…

Now I don’t have any funny caption for this last picture, but…

Images via Yahoo! and SI unless otherwise indicated.

Well then it would almost certainly look just like this, only with a few more homoerotic double entendres. [Funny or Die]

We leave you this week with a couple of images from the occasionally NSFW Suicide Blonde, and one order of specially requested beefcake.

And now for the ladies (and probably a gentleman or two), television host/linebacker Dhani Jones…

Have a good weekend, we’ll be back with football on Sunday.

Ah hell, there’s time for one more before we go…

Do you have a Sexy Friday request of your own? Send it in sometime before next week.

One week without the pewter and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers became the last team in the NFL to pick up their first win of the season (woohoo). This week they’ll undoubtedly cast aside their campy throwbacks, which will of course result in another familiar loss. Continue after the jump for this week’s NFL bets, plus a prediction for the weekend’s best sporting event (not soccer).

- Will the winner of the Patriots/Colts game represent the AFC in the 2010 Super Bowl XLIV? Yes +275

The Colts are currently +225 to win the AFC while the Patriots are +250 (Raiders are a bargain at +200,000). I’d rather just ride the winner of this game while taking advantage of the better payout. What could possibly go wrong? Everything, because this really is a terrible bet. Hooray!

- Will the New York Giants make the playoffs this Season? No -200

HAHAHAHAHA, fuck you, Giants. New York goes into their bye week at 5-4, and considering their schedule they’ll be lucky to finish with nine wins.

- New York Jets -7 vs. Jacksonville

The Jets defense should be re-energized following the bye week, and this time they’ll be the ones neutering a Jaguar.

- Buffalo +7 at Tennessee

In two games as a starter this season–both wins–Vince Young has gone 27/40 for 297 yards with one touchdown and zero interceptions. This week he goes up against a Buffalo team that has intercepted 15 passes on the year. Hell, Jairus Byrd alone has multiple interceptions in three straight games. That’s some crazy shit. The Bills defense should keep things relatively close.

- Miami -10 vs. Tampa Bay

Everything goes back to normal this week. For Tampa that means reverting to their pewter finery and losing miserably against the spread (2-6 this season).

- Dallas -3 at Green Bay

In the immortal words of our own Flubby, “Green Bay looks like dogshit right now.” So very true. Conversely, Dallas has been tearing shit up with four straight wins to their credit. The Cowboys haven’t gotten to the quarterback as often as they did last year, but all they need to get back on pace is one game against Aaron Rodgers and co.

That’s it for the football picks. Hate boxing? Fine. Enjoy the football games.

If you keep up with the world of boxing you know that this weekend’s most anticipated match-up isn’t the Pats-Colts game, it’s the Pacquiao-Cotto fight. Great fights come around from time to time, sometimes catching us completely by surprise. While this very well could (and should) be a truly great fight, it certainly shouldn’t sneak up on anybody. Seldom do you get to see two compelling action fighters who also happen to be two of the best boxers in the world sharing the ring, and that’s exactly what we’re going to get tomorrow night.

- Manny Pacquiao -275 vs. Miguel Cotto

It pains me a bit to take Pacquiao here. While I really do like Manny, I’m a huge fan of Cotto’s. But shit, I’m done doubting Pacquiao’s unconventional brilliance. Cotto is a warrior, and he’s going to test Manny with some crunching left hooks, but all told I think the naturally bigger man will begin to wear down (they agreed to fight at 145, two pounds below the welterweight limit) as the fight presses on.

Absurdly detailed prediction: Pacquiao wins a majority decision thanks in part to one-point deduction on Cotto for a borderline low blow earlier in the fight. Ringside observers will note that referee Kenny Bayless’ decision was likely influenced by Freddie Roach’s constant harping. After the announcement Pacquiao will say he’s willing to consider a rematch with a grateful Cotto, at which point Floyd Mayweather will storm into the ring demanding a date with Pacqiao (and a 55-45 split). Then Shane Mosley will declare that both men are scared of him all while ducking Paul Williams. Aaaaand scene.

Note: If you’re balking at the $55 price tag for the event (or you just want to save some money and drink beer) you should take note of this promotion from Tecate. For the cost of a (cheap) 12-pack you get a $25 rebate for your pay-per-view purchase. [via TQBR]

All lines via Bodog.

Images via Yahoo! and SI

Another week, and another demoralizing loss for the Redskins. As if things weren’t quite bad enough the team will now have to do without Clinton Portis for a while after the running back sustained a concussion in Sunday’s loss to the Falcons. But fear not, Redskins fans, because Danny and the Sarge (pictured above looking like assholes) know how to keep the offense running smoothly in Portis’ absence.

If you think their plan has anything to do with leaning heavily on the perfectly capable legs of Ladell Betts (93 yards and a touchdown on 16 touches in relief of Portis) then you obviously aren’t all that familiar with the brain-trust at Redskins Park.

/chokes on half-smoke

Damn, they managed to catch me off guard with that one. After all this time you’d think that nothing coming out of Ashburn could possibly surprise me, then they go and admit to something like this.

Let me be perfectly clear, the Redskins have NOTHING to gain by signing a malcontent prick halfway through the season. Especially one who averages 2.7 yards per carry. The man carries the football the way DeAngelo Hall tackles people (a hug is not a tackle!). And really, even if they were looking at the 2006 Larry Johnson, what is the fucking point? Do they think that this season is somehow salvageable? Do they think that running back depth is the real problem? DO THEY REALIZE THAT LEVI JONES IS THEIR STARTING LEFT TACKLE?

Dan Snyder, you need to break this shit down. Break it down to the foundation, then grab a jackhammer and a backhoe and go deeper. Then when you have a nice big hole, throw Vinny Cerrato in it and hire an actual GM to come in and start rebuilding the foundation (that way Vinny can still feel like he’s a part of things). Redskins fans won’t even care if the team goes 4-12 next year as long as you lose Vinny, ignore free agency, load up on draft picks, and use said picks on guys who play any position other than wide receiver, tight end, defensive back, running back, or quarterbacks (at least during the first day).