Images via SI and Yahoo!

I’ve thought about it for nearly two weeks now, and I still can’t bring myself to root for either team. My wife is a Giants fan, which doesn’t really help me decide. As much as I want to avoid dealing with some weepy Super Bowl loser, I’m not convinced the alternative is any better. Either way, she’s probably going to cry.

A win for the Giants means they’ll have one more than the Redskins. A loss and Boston fans will be happy. There is no good choice here, no matter how I think about it. The only thing that makes me lean in one direction over the other is the idea of Eli having more rings than Peyton. But that’s hardly enough to make me happy about the outcome. This is why gambling is so important. All I have to do is commit to one team, and put enough money on the line to make a win satisfying.

On to the Super Bowl picks…

Point Spread: New York +3

Fuck it. I called them a .500 team (which was accurate for a while), and picked against them most of the year. I’m ready to come around on Elisha.

Over/Under: Under 54

The Giants AND the under? Somebody hates himself.

Super Bowl MVP: Hakeem Nicks 12/1

Quarterbacks win the award half the time, but 9/4 just isn’t good enough to get me to pick Eli. I’ll take a longer shot with a legitimate chance of having a huge game.

First team to 10 points: Giants EVEN

Both teams tend to finish strong, but it’s the Patriots who tend to go down early. This is certainly more interesting than betting on the coin flip at -105.

Opening Kickoff Result: No Touchback +155

While there is something to be said for adrenaline, neither of these kickers has a very high touchback rate.

Will Madonna wear an NFL jersey or shirt: No -400

This is the easiest money of the night. There is zero fucking chance that Madonna is going to rock a jersey, or anything else that looks like she bought it at Spencer’s Gifts.

Live shots of Peyton Manning during the game: Under 3.5 -110

Four seems excessive. Especially because NBC is probably under strict orders to keep the focus on the game rather than the Peyton/Irsay ordeal. NBC is the NFL’s bottom bitch.

Eli Manning interception total: Over .5 -200

Victor Cruz’s longest reception: Over 27.5 yards

Cruz led the league in receptions of over 25 yards, so he should be good for a long one against this secondary. Then he’ll do that fucking dance and your girlfriend will ask why you can’t dance like that and you’ll be forced to flick a bottle cap at her head.

Yards gained on Rob Gronkowski’s first catch: Over 9.5 -130

I feel like I should have one New England pick, and this is a good one. Gronk is fine, everyone. Bill Belichick ordered Gronk Sr. to go on the radio and call it a high ankle sprain. SMAHT LIKE A FAWX.

Head over to With Leather for more fun with Super Bowl prop bets.

Images via Yahoo!

The Super Bowl bye week is the worst. No (real) football and limited gambling options make for a boring January weekend. I don’t hate myself enough to bet on the Pro Bowl, and I don’t know anybody willing to take the North in the Senior Bowl. The best way for you to put some money at risk this weekend to start up a Puppy Bowl Pool.

Dozens of shelter puppies will take place in eighth installment of Animal Planet’s Super Bowl counterprogramming. The starting lineup features 20 of the dogs we’ll see, and once again, there’s not a bulldog or corgi to be seen. Much less the elusive bullcorgi (we’re getting so close), the Britishest of all potential hybrid dog brees. However, there are a some pretty chill puppies.

I’m suggesting that people find three friends willing to put up an entrance fee to draft a team of five dogs. Whoever’s dog wins the Puppy Bowl MVP gets half of the money. The other half goes to the owner of the viewer’s choice. Draft well, and you can go for the scoop. Last year one dog did all of the work by himself.

/checks math

I don’t know why the website doesn’t reveal all of the dogs that participated back when they filmed this thing, but oh well. Let’s just assume that the winner will come from the starting lineup. After all, nobody is going to vote for the John Beck of puppies.

Continue after the jump for some puppies to target in your draft.

Abilene the Australian Shepherd

But my dreams
They aren’t as empty
As my conscience seems to be
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That’s never free

Calvin the Dachshund

Calvin? No no no. I will call you Hidaldo. Also, that’s not a dachshund. Pretty awesome whiskers though.

Eurika the Chihuahua/Terrier Mix

It’s always wise to have at least one scruffy puppy on your roster. Eurika is scruffy and approachable, as opposed to Leroy Brown, who looks like he slept in a dumpster last night.

Hunter the Boxer

Boxer puppies tend to be playful and outgoing, plus they never have any idea how much stronger they are than smaller dogs. I really hope Hunter fucks up some rat terrier’s whole day in there.

Lucie the Pit Bull/Collie Mix

Oh, Lucie. You’ll never win this thing because people are biased against pit bulls, but you’ve won me over. I don’t know why, but I have an overwhelming desire to get you stoned.

***CRITICAL UPDATE***

Thanks to Jim U for alerting me to the expanded starting lineup that features an additional 16 dogs. This changes everything. They did in fact add a corgi mix. Of course they also added two more rat terriers, bringing the total to four. Please people, spay or neuter your rat terrier immediately. We do not need any more of these dog-like things running around. Keep an eye out for York the Basset Hound mix, Portia the Corgi mix, Montana the Rottweiler/Collie mix, and my new overwhelming favorite…

Salem the Boxer/Lab mix. Andrew Luck has nothing on Salem.

Adam Schefter is reporting that the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are close to making Greg Schiano their new head coach, much to the delight of Peter King, who has been talking up his pro potential quite a bit. Schiano has spent the past eleven years overhauling the Rutgers football program from laughingstock to kind of not terrible all of the time. Thus ends a curious search that saw the team spurned by Oregon’s Chip Kelly after interviews with Marty Schottenheimer, Mike Sherman, Brad Childress, an older gentleman with a distinctive hat who kind of looked like Tom Landry for a minute, and token respectable candidate Mike Zimmer.

If the deal goes through, all NFL head coaching vacancies will have been filled. Mike Sherman will likely settle for the offensive coordinator job in Miami, while Schottenheimer can refocus his energy on guiding the Virginia Destroyers to a second straight UFL title. Assuming those are still things that exist, of course.

• GRONK is party. Rob Gronkowski did an interview with ESPN Deportes following the AFC Championship game. He tried his best to humor the audience, using up everything he remembers from 9th grade Spanish class.

In other things GRONK related, here’s a tribute song from Youtube user unclepoggy that comes via @fitzyGFY. Don’t worry, Tommy. This video doesn’t feature any “housekeepah talk.”

Image via BR

Due to some unforeseen computer issues, the rest of LOLNFL will be along later today or tomorrow.

All images via Yahoo!

Hmm, that looks fattening. Better get in a quick workout.

First two images via PIKKS (NSFW)

Our old comrade Punte posted a fun slideshow over at his new home. David Frei, a former NFL PR man and current god of the Westminster Dog Show, compared several of this weekend’s championship game participants to breeds that will be on display the week after the Super Bowl. Some, like Victor Cruz as a Whippet (lithe and athletic) and Wes Welker as a Brittany spaniel (white-bread), were dead on, while some miss the mark entirely. The most questionable comparison was easily Eli Manning as a Border Collie. Come on, Mr. Frei. You just compared this guy to one of the smartest and most reliable breeds to ever exist. That’s bullsh*t. We could get better analysis than that from Buck Laughlin.

If Elisha is anything he’s a Cocker spaniel. I once knew a Cocker who would piss all over the floor every time somebody walked in the front door. That’s the quarterback I know. He looks pretty good from a distance, he’s not likely to bite your hand off, and he’s the product of questionable breeding practices. Just look at that dopey bastard. You can hardly even tell Flubby manipulated the image.

Speaking of dogs, the Unnecessary Purchase of the Week is this £250,000 canine condo fit for a Super Bowl champion. It’s probably nicer than your apartment, and it even has a retina scanner to keep your poor dog on the outside looking in. Ugh.

Last week: 3-1
Playoffs: 5-3

On to the picks…

Baltimore +9 at New England

Here I am again, forced to root for either the Ravens (not an option) and the fahkin Pats. I don’t know why, but I always seem to find myself rooting for New England this time of year. It makes me sick, but I never feel like I have much of a choice. Whether they’re up against the Tim Tebow media express, Peyton Manning’s Colts, or the godforsaken Ravens, the answer is always clear. Go with Belichick.

Pats win, but the Ravens cover. And everyone can thank Bodog for tacking a couple of extra points on to the line.

Fuck the playoffs.

New York Giants at San Francisco -3

It may not be the best cover of N-words in Paris, but this version titled “Niners In Paris” by Ashkon (the Ashton Kutcher and Akon we’ve all been waiting for) really isn’t terrible. Plus they got rid of the n-word, which makes telling people about the song much less awkward.

I like the Niners by two scores. Their secondary should be able to limit big plays, and if somebody does get free over the middle Donte Whitner will probably kill him before he can score.

So if I’m right we’re heading for a Patriots and 49ers Super Bowl. That’s right, a full week of stories about Tom Brady’s Bay Area upbringing. Did you know he grew up a 49ers fan in San Mateo? He used to swim to and from the games. True story.

Niners in Paris from Shutdown Corner via With Leather