LARRY FITZGERALD: Aw, yeeeeeah! OTAs are finally over, and I’m gonna celebrate with a few boxes of crackers! Holy shit, I love crackers! Y’all ain’t gettin’ none of my shit. This ain’t no Piggly Wiggly, motherfuckers! Get yo’ asses up outta hee-uh.

They say you can’t eat six crackers in a minute? Well, I’m gonna eat 10 crackers the first minute, and seven crackers each additional minute. And then I’m gonna get some vodka, some naked girls and a Super Soaker and get me some–

VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…

LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] And then I’m gonna put some vodka on their titties, and get some fireworks, and then–

VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…

LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] What’s that? Who’s there?

VOICE FROM ABOVE: Fitty…Over here…in the woods…

[Fitty runs into the woods near the practice facility]

LARRY FITZGERALD: [looks around] I don’t see anything…Show yourself, mysterious devil creature!

VOICE FROM ABOVE: Very well, Fitty…

LARRY FITZGERALD: Oh my god…It can’t be…It can’t be!

[angelic voices singing: "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh"]

.

UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. I’m a unicorn, with a sasquatch on my back. We’ve come a long way to reach you, Fitty.

UNICORN: We’ve been watching you for some time. Watching over you. Guiding you.

SASQUATCH: RAWR BLOODY BALLSACK!

LARRY FITZGERALD: Hey, where that big hairy nigga get dem shoes? Dem’s tight!

UNICORN: And now Fitty, we need your help.

LARRY FITZGERALD: My help?

UNICORN: Yes, Fitty. Our kingdom is under siege. Our homes are being ravaged. It’s up to you to save us. We have nowhere else to turn.

LARRY FITZGERALD: What do you want me to do?

UNICORN: You will know what to do, but you must hurry! Save us, Fitty! Time is short!

SASQUATCH: GRRR BIG TITTIES!

UNICORN: Saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave ussssssss!

[Unicorn gallops off]

LARRY FITZGERALD: What in sweet fuck just happened?

ANQUAN BOLDIN: [From a distance] Fitty?

LARRY FITZGERALD: Quan? What are you doing out here in the woods?

ANQUAN BOLDIN: I was ass-fucking the equipment manager’s daughter. What are you doing out here?

LARRY FITZGERALD: I think I was just recruited by a cadre of mythical creatures to save their universe.

ANQUAN BOLDIN: Why do you get stupid when you eat those old-ass crackers, Fitty?

LARRY FITZGERALD: Those crackers were old?

ANQUAN BOLDIN: C’mon, man. Let’s get showered up or we’re gonna miss Leinart’s End Of OTAs party. I heard he’s gonna have three bitches fucking a goat, but the goat’s gonna be wearing like, three strap-ons.

LARRY FITZGERALD: If they’re using strap-ons, Quan, that’s not really fuckin’.

ANQUAN BOLDIN: I don’t give a fuck what it is; I WANT TO SEE IT.

LARRY FITZGERALD: Alright, man, we’ll get to that party. I’m gonna go get my crackers.

ANQUAN BOLDIN: Hurry up, fool! Find me in the parking lot!

LARRY FITZGERALD: Hang on man, my shit’s right here.

[grabs box, checks expiration date]

These crackers are still good, man. These crackers…

[reaches into box, grabs something]

What the fuck is this?

[pulls hand out of the cracker box, holding cell phone made of gold]

.

Whoa….

[dials 1 for voicemail]

24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: You have two new messages. First message…

UNICORN: Fitty, you found the phone! This phone will be your link to our world. Dial 2 to reach me. You also have access to movies on this phone, Fitty. Access any movie you please. Call me when you’re ready to save us Fitty! Hurry!

LARRY FITZGERALD: How the fuck’s a gotdamn unicorn gonna check voicemail?

24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Second message…

SASQUATCH: ARRGGHH CRAZY PUSSY TIME!

LARRY FITZGERALD: Man, I love that guy.

24-KARAT GOLD PHONE: Message…saved.

Episode V: later this week…maybe