This should work well. If there’s one thing Marvin Lewis is good at, it’s taking players who’ve had trouble with the law and shaping them into a team of winners. In that they win four to seven games. (And sometimes tie!)

EDITORIAL NOTE: The KSK staff apologizes for the lack of “Bengals Add Firepower to Lineup” headlines.  We felt disembodied ghost heads encouraging Tank to kill — KILL!!! — had greater priority.

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

You also might remember me from such successful products as Alonzo Spellman’s Clown Burgers, Alonzo Spellman’s Tit Wrench, and Alonzo Spellman’s Baby Razors. Now I’m BACK, with an even better product!

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SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President.  However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost.  Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…

VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

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It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Sunday, and I have nothing to do.  It’s sunny outside, tomorrow’s a holiday — I really should get out of my apartment and… do… things?  Funny, I don’t remember being this bored on Sundays.

Oh.  Right.

This is what the NFL offseason feels like.  Thirty weeks of depressing malaise.  The dishes.  Laundry.  The gym.  Everything that gets blissfully ignored during the season now gets done on Sundays.

Fuck me.  Fuck all of us.

Larry Fitzgerald? Pfft. Ike Taylor can totally cover that guy!

/checks stats from last time Steelers played Cardinals

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

AND THAT WAS A GAME IN WHICH MATT LEINART HAD 14 OF THE 35 BUZZSAW PASS ATTEMPTS!

It’s like he’s catching all the passes… one at a time. LIKE A HUNTER!

Do something Ryan Clark! Feed him those salmonella crackers! He loves those!

I just took a photo of the future, and Pittsburgh looks like this two weeks from now.

I’m honestly troubled by the fact that the above image of the Emperor actually has Jim Johnson’s face. Good Lord, man. Get some sleep.

This feels a little more apt:

Like, you couldn’t dodge the fact that Luke was central to the success of the rebels, but he always just came off as a such a pussy.

Go Eagles. I wanna see Leitch get hit in the face with a cookie tray.

You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness!  Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen.  Bettah than Bunkah Hill!  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]

WASHED FACESPOT.  BRUSHED CHOMPERS.  GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME.  HAPPY SLEEPS.  NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT.  GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.

NICE PICTURES.

NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben. 

Ben: HI

Marisa: You like what you see?

Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES

Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?

Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO.  YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN.  CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.

Marisa: That’s cool.  Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.

Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?

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Kissing Suzy Kolber EXCLUSIVE: Our sources say that all three members of the Holy Trinity (God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit) are rooting for the Baltimore Ravens this Sunday.  Several well-placed sources confirm that if the Steelers win, it’s a sign that Satan has finally won the ultimate battle of Good and Evil, and that we will soon be minions in Hell regardless of our faith. Which is basically the same thing as life on Earth if the Steelers win a sixth Super Bowl, anyway. 

Hey, don’t kill the messenger.  We only report the facts as we get them.