SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President.  However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost.  Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…

VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

(more…)

It’s 2:00 p.m. on a Sunday, and I have nothing to do.  It’s sunny outside, tomorrow’s a holiday — I really should get out of my apartment and… do… things?  Funny, I don’t remember being this bored on Sundays.

Oh.  Right.

This is what the NFL offseason feels like.  Thirty weeks of depressing malaise.  The dishes.  Laundry.  The gym.  Everything that gets blissfully ignored during the season now gets done on Sundays.

Fuck me.  Fuck all of us.

Larry Fitzgerald? Pfft. Ike Taylor can totally cover that guy!

/checks stats from last time Steelers played Cardinals

OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT

AND THAT WAS A GAME IN WHICH MATT LEINART HAD 14 OF THE 35 BUZZSAW PASS ATTEMPTS!

It’s like he’s catching all the passes… one at a time. LIKE A HUNTER!

Do something Ryan Clark! Feed him those salmonella crackers! He loves those!

I just took a photo of the future, and Pittsburgh looks like this two weeks from now.

I’m honestly troubled by the fact that the above image of the Emperor actually has Jim Johnson’s face. Good Lord, man. Get some sleep.

This feels a little more apt:

Like, you couldn’t dodge the fact that Luke was central to the success of the rebels, but he always just came off as a such a pussy.

Go Eagles. I wanna see Leitch get hit in the face with a cookie tray.

You facks have nevah seen greatness like Bahstahn has seen greatness!  Ow-uh spahts Mount Rushmo-ah will be the greatest fackin’ monument this cahntree has evah seen.  Bettah than Bunkah Hill!  NO ONE DENIES THIS!

[Inside a Star Wars-themed bedroom]

WASHED FACESPOT.  BRUSHED CHOMPERS.  GOOD SLEEPS BEFORE RAVENS GAME.  HAPPY SLEEPS.  NOT GONNA DREAM ABOUT PHIL RIVERS WITH MOUTH-EYES TONIGHT.  GONNA MAKE NICE PICTURES IN THE HEADSPOT.

NICE PICTURES.

NICE PIC…ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Marisa Miller: Hey, Ben. 

Ben: HI

Marisa: You like what you see?

Ben: THATS A NICE MOTORBIKE YES

Marisa: Wanna go for a ride?

Ben: THANK YOU LADY BUT NO.  YOU DONT GOT NO HELMET FOR THE BEN.  CAN’T GET OUCHIE BEFORE RAVENS GAME.

Marisa: That’s cool.  Maybe Jay Cutler wants to ride with me.

Ben: BRONCO JAY IS HERE?

(more…)

Kissing Suzy Kolber EXCLUSIVE: Our sources say that all three members of the Holy Trinity (God the Father, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit) are rooting for the Baltimore Ravens this Sunday.  Several well-placed sources confirm that if the Steelers win, it’s a sign that Satan has finally won the ultimate battle of Good and Evil, and that we will soon be minions in Hell regardless of our faith. Which is basically the same thing as life on Earth if the Steelers win a sixth Super Bowl, anyway. 

Hey, don’t kill the messenger.  We only report the facts as we get them.

Please please please beat the Steelers, RoboFlaccoCop on a unicorn.

Joe Buck: …and that does it for the first half.  Coming up, join Terry, Howie, Jimmy and other grown men with little boys’ names for the FOX Sprint Halftime Report.  But first, these words from our sponsors.

Cleatus the FOX Sports Robot: (runs in place)

(does push-ups)

(puts tin of Copenhagen into facemask)

[OFF-AIR IN THE FOX STUDIO]

Terry Bradshaw: … so I said, “Hooo-WEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  Honey, skinnin’ raccoons is the other thing I’m good at!”

(everybody laughs for five seconds)

Curt Menefee: Ohhh, Terry, you are just too WACKY!

Terry: Whatever, BLACKIE!!!

(everybody laughs for five seconds)

Cleatus: (stops doing jumping jacks) *FORCED*  *LAUGHTER*  *NO MORE*

Terry: Well hey there now, Cleatus!  Takin’ some time off between commercial breaks, huh?

Cleatus: (scans Bradshaw with infrared) *ANNOYANCE LOCATED*  *TERMINATE*

Terry: Why, you know, I got a cousin named Cletus back in–

Cleatus: (throws metal football through Bradshaw’s head)

Frank Caliendo doing John Madden impression: Whoooaaaaaaaaa!  Didja, did ya see that?  Cleatus just, he just, just threw the football through Terry’s head!  One minute Terry’s talking, then BOOM!  His head’s all splattered.  Heh.

Cleatus: *TIRED*  *IMPRESSION*  *TERMINATE*

Frank Caliendo doing Robert Deniro impression: Are you talkin’ to me?  You talkin’ to me?

Cleatus: (rips off Caliendo’s head, then spikes it through the floor. It travels through the planet’s crust into the Earth’s core, where it gets skewered on a pike in Hell)

(The sun comes out all across America, and children of all races hold hands)

(TBS’s ratings go up)

Howie Long: Yeah, I guess those were some pretty violent deaths.  Nothing I couldn’t do with my truck, but not too bad.  It’s possible you don’t sit down to piss radiator fluid.  Hell, you might not even be completely impotent.

Cleatus: *WHAT*

Howie: ‘Course, a real badass killer robot wouldn’t leave without havin’ his way with a Super Bowl-winning coach.

Cleatus: *OH YEAH* *WATCH* *THIS*

Jimmy Johnson: WHAT?!?!?!  Ahhhhhh!!!!  No!

(struggles)

NOT THE HAIR!  Nnggghhhh!!!!!

Howie: Popcorn?

Menefee and Michael Strahan: Sure!

_________________________________________________________________________________

[MILLIONS OF AMERICAN HOMES]

(The entirety of the halftime report consist of game highlights playing in an empty studio. The only sound is something rhythmic and vaguely mechanical)

Football Fan: Now see, THIS is the kind of halftime show I’ve been asking for!