Wooooo hoo hooooooooooooo!!!!!! Howdy pardners! I’ve given Unsilent Majority the week off because I’m in Las Vegas and I can place bets IN PERSON! That is at least EIGHT TIMES the rush you get if you’re betting online. Hell, I even chose to take a redeye home on Sunday night so I could watch all the games in the sports book. And also so I can collect all my winnings immediately.

Just kidding! I’m terrible at gambling and I don’t know what I’m doing! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

There are only two road favorites this week — Carolina -3 at Tampa and Philly -14 at Oakland — and neither one of those lines is particularly appealing to bet either way. In fact, all the lines look really tough to me, because the damn bookies are good at this and I actually don’t gamble that much. It’s one of the restraints I put on myself because I have what psychiatrists call “an addictive personality” and a “crippling need for the adrenaline rush of having money on the line” and a “willingness to lose every dollar I’ve ever made.”

Anyway, here’s where I’m putting my money:

ATLANTA -3 versus Chicago. Which of the Bears’ wins am I supposed to be impressed with again? The game they accidentally won against Pittsburgh? Beating Seneca Wallace and a battered Seahawks team by a score? Kicking the Lions’ ass? C’mon, everyone kicks the Lions’ ass. Except the Redskins. Nope, I’ll take the Falcons at home fresh off their delicious Niner-raping at Candlestick.

JETS -9.5 versus Buffalo. Buffalo is fucking terrible.

Giants at New Orleans OVER 47.5. *crosses fingers, hopes for the air-it-out version of the Saints*

SEATTLE -1 versus Arizona. HOMER ALERT. In my defense, I’m a victim of circumstance in making this bet. I was at the New York, New York sports book last night, and the line was -3. Then I came back to the Palazzo sports book and it was only -1 here. And I feel like I should point out that the Seahawks have outscored their opponents 69-0 in games that Matt Hasselbeck has been healthy. Two home shutouts in five games are nothing to scoff at, even if one of them is against the Rams.

Upset special! HOUSTON +4.5 at Cincinnati. Now, I don’t have the actual sack to make this bet, and frankly I’m cheering for the Bengals all the way this season. But Cincy’s a tough defensive team that has won three straight games by three points, and its other two games were decided by an average of six points. I think the spread’s a little too big here.

So there you go. I have no idea what I’m doing, but looky here! I didn’t have to pay for this drink!

Every now and again, we at KSK stumble across something outside the realm of professional football that we feel compelled to share, such as Beaker’s adventures in the nation’s capital. Yesterday, when Unsilent Majority requested a Photoshop of a Nazi-fied Mr. Peanut for the Meast/Least, Christmas Ape obliged with the cheerful anthropomorphized fascist legume you see above. Just look at Nazi Peanut (full name: Stabgsefreiter Johann Erdnuss of the Fuhrer’s Wehrmact) — so dashing, so full of the joie-de-vivre that comes from the extermination of Jews to purify the Fatherland. How can he wear those jackboots and not dance a little jig?

So charmed were we with Herr Peanut that we captured some images of him hangin’ out with his pals, making the Third Reich a happier, more delicious place.

“Ze peanut ist ze only pure nut! Exterminate ze cashjews!”

One of the most important developments in the NFL this off-season was Brad Childress’s decision to grow a beard.  With the simple act of not shaving, he swiftly eliminated one of his biggest criticisms: that he believes in Tarvaris Jackson looks like Gerald McRaney. But not Gerald McRaney in a tough-but-loving Marine officer way. More like Gerald McRaney as the villain in a Lifetime movie. The paleness, the male pattern baldness, the glasses, and most especially the mustache really made you feel like “Childress” was a surname shortened from “children undressing.”

This was Childress last year:

Scary, right?  The only thing Photoshopped in that picture was the outdoors and the playground.  The original photo was taken in his vast underground kiddie-rape dungeon [Ed. Note: not true. His kiddie-rape dungeon is in the attic.].

But the beard gives Childress some gravitas. He almost looks distinguished. He’s like an English professor at a community college now:

Now instead of leering at children, he’s leering at Michelle, the chubby 20-year-old single mom who got pregnant in high school. I can totally see him mailing in his lectures and making the symbolism in The Scarlet Letter even more boring than it already is. And encouraging Michelle to come by his office hours and discuss how she might be able to improve her grade, heh heh heh.

We apologize: we have not covered the Favre goat story in the two whole days it has existed on the Internet. This is due both to our collective Favre fatigue and the inability of our resident goat-bondage expert PUNTE to weigh in on the subject.  There are some pending criminal charges in South Carolina that keep him from sharing his expertise.

Anyway, it seems like only yesterday we were still talking about the woman who was traveling to Minneapolis with a live purple- and gold-painted goat with the number 4 shaved into its sides tied down in her trunk, with the apparent intent to sacrifice it near Brett Favre’s preseason debut on Friday.

However, as we all know, the goat was saved by fortuitous car trouble and the altruistic mechanics at Tires Plus in Winona, Minnesota — a tough blow for the subset of society that believes in a Chicago Cubs-like curse on the Vikings and also enjoys a good goat sacrifice.  Moreover, the would-be blood offering to the football gods has been named Brett and is now living in Packers country, at the very same Favre-lovin’ farm that chose to make a Brett Favre corn maze last year instead of planting crops. (Native Americans call it “maize”) — it’s a small world when everyone’s insane about the same washed-up, self-centered quarterback.  We can only guess that Brett the Goat will live happily on the farm for several months before he un-retires and ends up tied down in another car’s trunk.  The first step to curing addiction is admitting you have a problem.

As we sift through the untidy aftermath of news stories dedicated to A FREAKING GOAT TIED UP IN A TRUNK JUST BECAUSE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH FAVRE, perhaps the greatest development in this was MyFox New York’s decision to segue this story into a sport that dates back to 13th century Afghanistan.  Because it involves goats, you see:

Goats also play a major role in Afghanistan’s national sport — Buzkashi. Translated into English, Buzkashi means “goat grabbing” or “goat killing.”

Not to be confused with the Irish national sport, Boozekakke.

And finally, no Internet story is complete without mention of fainting goats.  They’re the Tarvaris Jackson of sacrificial goats!

It’s been a little while since we picked on Josh McDaniels, so here ya go.  This is a tribute to Broncos fans, as your anger at the organization keeps us warm and dry on rainy nights.  It was either this or Things to Do in Denver When You’re Out of Playoff Contention.

It’s the first extended interview Dreamboat’s given in almost a year, and SI turned to its biggest non-stroke-impaired NFL writer for the heavy lifting: Peter King.  (”That Brady’s so cool he keeps Kit Kats from melting on a summer day!”)  From the press release:

Exuding confidence in his surgically rebuilt left knee, Brady tells SI that his recovery is on schedule and that he is running and cutting without pain or restricted movement. King writes: “He was convincing when he said he was ‘as confident as anyone could be that I’ll be ready to play, back to playing normally, when the season starts. I’ve done everything I could to push myself, sometimes too hard. Right now, I’m doing everything. Literally everything. There’s nothing I can’t do.’ ”

Brady tells King that he has learned much about himself during his forced layoff and that he is so anxious to play again that he looks forward to the grind of two-a-days. “‘When I was playing every week, I bitched about the little things,’ he said. ‘Like, God, we’ve got to go outside today? It’s raining! Or, why is Bill dunking the ball in soap? Or, why do we have a meeting at 7:30 to talk about everything we’ve already talked about. Geez! Then when you’re not playing, you realize that you would [gladly] do any of that—whatever they wanted me to do.’ Brady drew an analogy based on his parenting experience with his 21-month-old Jack. ‘I don’t see him everyday”—Brady shares custody with former girlfriend Bridget Moynahan—‘and we play when I change his diaper: lifting his leg up, playing with his toes, biting his feet. There’s a different appreciation. If you had him every day, you’d go, Let’s just get this done. But when you get him, say, one week a month, you’re like, This is so cool!’ ”

“If I had to be a parent every day, it sure would get boring!”

In addition, Brady tells King that he’d like to play for 10 more seasons: “I want to play until I am 41. And if I get to that point and still feel good, I’ll keep playing. I mean, what the hell else am I going to do? I don’t like anything else. People say, ‘What will you do after football?’ Why would I even think of doing anything else? What would I do instead of run out in front of 80,000 people and command 52 guys and be around guys I consider brothers and be one of the real gladiators? Why would I ever want to do something else? It’s so hard to think of anything that would match what I do: Fly to the moon? Jump out of planes? Bungee-jump off cliffs? None of that s— matters to me. I want to play this game I love, be with my wife and son and enjoy life.”

Hmmph.  All in all, he sounds disgustingly well adjusted for a two-time Super Bowl MVP/baby-daddy of a Hollywood actress who instead got married to a supermodel.  And that’s probably the most infuriating thing about Brady: for all the “Best Dressed Man Alive” articles and goat-holding photoshoots, he never comes across as an ignoramus or a total asshole.

Which is why we should hate him even more.

Well, here we are.  Another week of people revealing their weird fantasies and oversharing their messed up lives.  Oh, and asking football questions.  Can’t forget about the football.

I’m relieved to say that there’s no discussion of HPV this week, but you can catch everything else after the jump.

A girl I’m seeing stuck her finger in my ass recently. Just the tip up to the first knuckle – but it was unmistakably a finger in my anus. I can’t say I liked it, but it took her asking me if I liked it for me to tell her that I did not. Does this make me a pussy, or worse, gay?

Also, is LT a 1st rd fantasy pick in ‘09?

Sincerely,
Puckering in Punxsutawney

There’s nothing wrong with liking something you like.  If you happen to like a finger in your ass, that’s cool.  If it makes you uncomfortable — and, as much as I try to be adventuresome, it makes me uncomfortable — then that’s that.  But straights can have ass play, too, y’know.  Don’t be such a meatheaded homophobic ass.

LT could be a decent late-first round pick, but I wouldn’t take him.  Of course, I could be egregiously wrong… or LT could be largely ineffective and/or get injured (like every 30-year-old RB) before Darren Sproles takes over.

Hey Kids,

First up, sex question, I like to beat off on web cam and don’t mind that it’s just other guys watching me. hell I even like when they chat back at me. I’m not interested in guys, so is this wrong of me?

I wouldn’t say “wrong” so much as “inherently gay.”  But if no one’s getting hurt and it works for you, hey, live it up.  Of course, your next girlfriend might not feel the same way.

Football, what are the real chances the Ravens run away with the AFC North?

Thanks,
Web Cam Fun

“Run away”?  None whatsoever.  In fact, that’s patently ridiculous.  But they have a realistic chance of winning the division and/or going to the playoffs.  Which is enough to make you seem like a prick for even asking.

Fellas,
I’ve got a question that’s more relationship-based than sex-based. (I know, I’m gay, blah blah blah.) My girlfriend and I recently got engaged after 5 years of dating, but I royally screwed up the proposal. I didn’t get down on one knee, I didn’t talk to her parents beforehand, and I didn’t even have a dinner reservation lined up for afterwards. She said yes and is excited to get married, but she gets more and more bummed out about the proposal every time someone asks how it happened and she has to relive the disappointment. So I have promised I’ll make it up to her and do whatever it takes to make her feel better.

[Chunk of text edited out -- BE SUCCINCT, ASSHOLES] What should I do to make her forget my crappy proposal? (Note that I’m basically broke, so the cheaper the idea, the better.)

That was waaaaay too long, so here’s a quick football query: What the fuck is going on with the 49ers QB situation? I will go apeshit if Pants-Down Singletary trots out Shaun Fucking Hill again.
-John D.

Well, aren’t you just the thoughtless asshole.  And now you want some people who don’t know anything about your fiancee to give you some magical yet inexpensive romantic flourish that will make amends.

Impossible.

Of course, if she ever takes the ring off — say, in the shower or to do dishes — that would be a good time to steal it from her.  And then she’ll freak out, and you can tell her to calm down and see if she left it in the bedroom.  And in the bedroom is where you spelled out “I love you” in rose petals, and she’ll see it and turn around, and there you are on one knee, with the ring, ready with an apology and an appropriate proposal.

Blech.

Anyway, the 49ers QB situation is fucked.  This is well documented.  Hope for a trade to get a mediocre journeyman.

Dear Testicle Twiddlers,

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 3 years now, things are going great, but she’s saving it til marriage.  I had a healthy sex life going into the relationship, but we’ve been hanging out at third forever.  Since she’s not a religious wackjob and is pretty good at thing in the bedroom not involving my genitalia in a nether orifice, I’ve accepted it. She’s graduating soon but plans on pursuing further education and has said that she wasn’t going to get married until she was done with school.  I, however, feel compelled to further shackle my manhood and put a ring on her finger… So, my question: is it better to propose soon (I’ve been saving up) and risk a prolonged engagement with a slim chance of getting together sooner, or should I wait her schooling out and have a relatively shorter “in between” period.  I’m confident that I’m not rushing things because of my desire to slide home…

So essentially, you’re thinking about asking for someone’s hand in marriage in the slim hopes that you’ll get laid for the first time in three years.  In other countries, I’d give you a gun with one bullet and leave the room.

Wait to ask.  That gives you more time to be save up and be sure about your decision, however ill-advised it may be.  And besides, prolonged engagements are gay.

Football: AFC North.  How good is Flacco, really?  As a lifelong Steelers fan, it seems as if a few good Ravens players are keeping us away from total long-term domination of the division since Cincy and Cleveland can’t seem to pull out of their death spiral.

Peace, love and Choco Tacos.
~James, VA

(P.S. Fix yo’ twitter!)

“Oh, boo hoo hoo!  We’ve won two Super Bowls in four years, but our team has to face a difficult divisional rival that we usually beat!”  Heartbreaking story.

Hard to make a definitive judgment after just one season, but Flacco is at least solid, and maybe excellent.  And he’s already cut his teeth in the playoffs (with two wins and that horrible performance against the Steelers), so he’s only going to get better.  OH NOES!  The Steelers will have to STAY an excellent team in order to keep winning Super Bowls!

Dear Christmas Ape and his homo friends,

Oh, okay.  I see how it’s going to be.

So this Braylon Edwards to the Giants thing is in the news.  I’m in favor of it if only because they have 10 picks and 5 open roster spots, so they might as well roll the dice on a wideout who’s made it to the Pro Bowl since they’ll end up cutting half those picks anyway.  What’s your guys’ take on the trade?

Need your opinion validated, huh?  Sure.  What you said.

As for sex, is it pathetic to go on JDate?

No.

The lapsed Catholic I’m dating isn’t putting out, and my mother will pay for the JDate membership because she hates all the lapsed Catholics I date.

Allow me to change my answer to “yes.”

Still, we all know that the Internet eliminates the thrill of romantic conquest. What do you guys say?

-Bobby W.

I say there was an outside shot of people respecting you before you admitted that your mother has offered to pay for your Internet dating service.  But then again, I am but a mere Gentile.  Let’s go to KSK resident Jew Unsilent Majority:

“Sadly, this is not an uncommon practice.”

So go for it, I guess.  People meet on the Internet all the time and have sex and sometimes even get married.  Be a pioneer!  Break down those societal hang-ups about Internet dating.  Oh, and be sure to tell that lapsed Catholic when you break up with her that Mommy’s paying for your JDate membership.  It will remove any and all sting of getting dumped.

Hi peeps,

Football (always) first: I’m terrible at fantasy drafting. I have rigidly stuck to the RB, RB, QB, WR method the last few years (except for last year when I went RB, RB, Kevin Smith… and what a great decision that was…) but it’s not working for me. Can you recommend a different draft strategy? I’m willing to try anything!

Your problem is you’re drafting like it’s 2004.  Most teams use the ol’ running back by committee system, and even the biggest workhorses often get capped at 20-25 touches.  The net result is that other positions have increased in value.  Is it really imperative that you get, say, Julius Jones with your second pick instead of Larry Fitzgerald or Drew Brees?   No.

It’s idiotic to stay within rigid parameters.  Pay attention to what value is available at which positions, and draft accordingly.

Sex: My gf is both ridiculously hot and incredible in the sack BUT if you look up ‘Hard Fucking Work’ in the dictionary there is a picture of her. Sometimes I’m so sick of dealing with her daily mini crises (i.e. I didn’t sms her back inside five minutes so wtf is my problem? But of course, when she doesn’t get back to me all day that’s a-ok) that I seriously consider jacking her in. Should I stay my frustration just because she’s ruined me for other women (in bed) or should I kick her to the curb and go marry a nun?

Keep up the good work,
Sanchez

What?  A very attractive woman is a high-maintenance pain in the ass?  Quelle surprise! You, my friend, are existing in what many people call “the real world.”  I hope you brought a coat — it gets cold here.

What it comes down to is your own happiness.  If you can put up with the annoying stuff and revel in the sex, keep on keepin’ on.  If not, take a lot of pictures before you dump her, and enjoy the memories. As you move forward, sex with other people will still be enjoyable.  I promise.

After the runaway success of Marty B’s blog post on ladyfarts, a few readers noticed a subsequent entry in which he proclaims the tight end combo of he and Jason Witten to be “Rice and Beans.” Well, they weren’t the only ones. Execs in the television industry were piqued with the possibilities of a serial cop drama.

Coming this fall to FOX, following the two-hour block of Cops on Saturday night:

Jason Witten is… KENNY ARROZ!

Martellus Bennett is… JEROME FRIJOLES!

Together they are:

Set in the crime hotbed that is Dallas (actually filmed in Oklahoma City to save money)

Archived footage of the late Tex Schramm as…THE CHIEF!

“Listen here, Rice and Beans, I know you get results, but I’ve had it up to here with your unorthodox tactics. You scared Miles Austin halfway to death!”

Ed Werder is … THE MOLE!

“C’mon Rice. You know the department loves you. What’s a little info just this once?”

Tony Romo is… VICE SQUAD DETECTIVE ALEJANDRO!

“I am only in drag to ceetch dees perverts!”

Marion Barber is … MARION BARBER!

“Whatever. Just came to this show for the groupie ass. I don’t play no bitch-ass characters.”

This fall, RICE & BEANS. They’re gonna serve up a platter…OF ASS WHIPPINGS!

This should work well. If there’s one thing Marvin Lewis is good at, it’s taking players who’ve had trouble with the law and shaping them into a team of winners. In that they win four to seven games. (And sometimes tie!)

EDITORIAL NOTE: The KSK staff apologizes for the lack of “Bengals Add Firepower to Lineup” headlines.  We felt disembodied ghost heads encouraging Tank to kill — KILL!!! — had greater priority.

Hi, folks! I’m Alonzo Spellman, former defensive lineman for the Chicago Bears and top secret government operative for King Narudi of Jurumba. (KING, THE HEADS YOU REQUESTED ARE IN MY BAG.) You might remember me from the time I got arrested for roasting my girlfriend on a spit, or the time I defecated in Dave Wannstedt’s wallet, or the time I was caught on a surveillance camera trying to have children with a flowerpot. WHERE ELSE WOULD FLOWER CHILDREN COME FROM?

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Yeah, that one. I FUCKING HATE THOSE DOGS. STOP DISGUISING YOURSELF AS MY BALLS, DOG. YOU CAN’T FIT IN MY PANTS.

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