Last night I made a bunch of Photoshops of Tim Tebow as a centaur. I don’t know why. I hadn’t been drinking. I didn’t swallow eight buttons of peyote. The possibility just flickered into my head for an instant, and then it had to be. I’m sorry.

Well well well.

/opens Photoshop

/Googles “sofia vergara cleavage”

Ta-da!

Got a better idea? Use the cutout below (or make your own, lazyass) and email it to us.

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Tonight the broken-down Camaro that is the Kansas City Chiefs roars into Gillette Stadium, where Todd Haley will no doubt burn out the engine and suffer a flat tire while attempting donuts at midfield.

I’m not quite sure what that metaphor means, except that Haley’s an asshole and I don’t like the Chiefs’ chances tonight. The Chiefs have been up-and-down all year, opening the season with three losses before stringing together a four-game winning streak against mediocre-to-lousy teams that gave rise to Hobo Haley (which is similar to Hobo Belichick, except frattier and not as good at coaching). Then came a blowout at home to then-winless Miami and another loss to St. Tebow, and I’d be very much surprised if that particular freefall ends tonight.

But hey, who knows. Maybe this game will give us some compelling reason to watch other than Tom Brady’s good looks and cheering for fantasy stats (Go Deion Branch! Score touchdowns on end-arounds and halfback passes!). We can always hope the Chiefs give New England a game. After all, I understand that Haley issued a defiant challenge to the Patriots…

Well, for starters, he’d be Baptist.

NOTE: This article was originally published October 4, 2011.

Bernard Berrian, seen here in a rare moment holding a football

Bernard Berrian has two catches on 16 targets through four games with the Vikings this season, a regrettable stat line that I’d wager is equal parts the result of Donovan McNabb playing quarterback and Berrian playing wide receiver. After Berrian’s claim on Twitter that he’d been open “the last four years,” Viking fan John Kriesel tweeted the following:

If you want to follow a hilarious twitter account, try @B_Twice (Bernard Berrian) who says that he’s open a lot and should get the ball more.

To which Berrian responded:

@johnkriesel Anytime u wanna watch the film with me. Not just one game but all of them. And if not sit down n shut up!

The only problem is that Kriesel is already sitting down, because he lost both of his legs in an IED blast in Fallujah while serving with the Minnesota National Guard. BONUS AWKWARDNESS: Kriesel is now a Minnesota state representative fighting to keep the Vikings in Minnesota.

All in all, it was a pretty mild Twitter exchange, Kriesel wasn’t offended, and the two have since traded phone calls. But that didn’t stop the media from blowing it out of proportion and saying that Berrian went “thermonuclear” on a double-amputee Iraq veteran.

Though it’s easy to feel sorry for Berrian due to the reactionary nature of the blogosphere, this isn’t the first time Berrian has gone over the line in responding to his Twitter haters. Judging by the not-at-all fabricated screencaps below, maybe it’s time Berrian clicked on some profiles and did some Googling about Twitter users before responding to their criticism.

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Yesterday, our Twitter feed blew up when dozens of concerned Bernard Berrian fans pointed out that the veteran Vikings receiver had been cut. Because Berrian is a vested veteran, the Vikings will have to pay him the remainder of the $1.9 million they owe him on his contract unless another team claims him off waivers.

Bernard Berrian is the 99%.

Note to Berrian's lawyers: this is a Photoshop meant to display your client's inability to catch passes.

This sad news comes less than three weeks after Berrian’s PR team at EAG Sports Management worked overtime to remove a satirical post about Berrian from this very site — a post that will soon be re-published, as God and the Constitution intended. Nevertheless, we at KSK wish the best for Berrian, especially given the libel that was published at Yahoo:

In his 2011 season, Berrian was targeted 23 times by Vikings quarterbacks, and he caught just seven passes. That 30 percent catch rate is the lowest in the 19-year history of Football Outsiders’ metrics, which track catch rate for primary and ancillary receivers and tight ends going back to 1993. Berrian had never had stickum hands before — he had gone above 59 percent catch rate in just one season before — but this season has been ridiculous.

I mean, those sort of negative facts have to be ILLEGAL, right? I hope that completely unfair media smear doesn’t hurt his image the way my fake tweets did.

GREATEST QUAHTAHBACK EVAH!!!

Thank you, Peter King:

“Has there ever been a red-headed quarterback in the NFL who’s really done well?” the coach asked. “It sounds idiotic, but is there any way that could be a factor? We’ve wondered.”

Here’s how this whole thing started if you missed it.

Nacho, I saw that sissified spread you did in GQ! Your new nickname is SEÑOR BUBBLES!

The greatest chorus of “FACK YOU” ever assembled.

Tom Brady has added “ugly chick boots” to his ongoing list (along with “long, pretty hair”) of things he’s doing to cancel out the manliness of winning three Super Bowls and marrying a Brazilian supermodel. *shakes dice* C’monnnnn MAKE OUT WITH WELKER!

UGG Australia announced today that it is partnering with NFL superstar Tom Brady of the New England Patriots to launch its first men’s marketing initiative. The multi-year collaboration between the three-time Super Bowl champion and the brand will include Brady’s casual footwear as well as select outerwear and accessories. [press release]

“Hi, Tom Brady here. Take it from me: UGGs don’t just offer unparalleled comfort while making your legs look shorter and your ankles fat, they’re also great in the bedroom!”

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