We’re in the dreaded post-draft period of the NFL offseason. There’s still no real football for weeks. You’re hurt. You’re angry. You’re hateful. We understand. At KSK, hating things is what we do best, which is why we have the recurring This Week In F**k You series, to soothe your white hot anger. This week: prestigious comedy hack Eric Stangel.

There are many types of Twitter users, almost all of them stupid and pointless. In the sports media corner of the Twitterverse, the three most common are Useful Breakers of News Stories (the Adam Schefters and Jay Glazers of the world), Bloviating Arrogant Diptards (Jason Whitlock, Buzz Bissinger, etc.) and Worthless Fuckwit Self-Satisfied Comedians.

I’m decidedly in the last category. Because, like many of you, I’m someone who would prefer to spend all of his time coming up with dick jokes about sports or whatever the fuck else I deem worthy of ridicule. Writing comedy is a portion of what I do, but it doesn’t pay the bills entirety, which is fine. All things considered, having to closely follow sports and write about it like I know half a shit is far from the worst job in the world. Ideally, though, being a full-time comedy writer would be a pretty fucking awesome gig to have.

So when you see someone who does get to do it and they’re FUCKING TERRIBLE at it, it’s like life rifle-butting you in the nuts while screaming “UNFAIR! UNFAAAAAIIIIIRRRR!” Don’t get me wrong. I’m lucky if I’m actually funny .5 percent of the times that I try to be. I’m not some neglected genius of humor whose gifts are being unjustly denied a larger audience. I mostly suck out loud. But even me, bitter obscure Internet sports clown, is a million times better at making jokes than Eric Fucking Stangel.

Before Twitter, I had no clue who Eric Stangel was. And that isn’t because he’s nobody. He’s the head writer for Letterman, which is a pretty nice job to have. But the real reason I know him because all the major sportswriters I have to follow for work purposes have collectively decided that Retweeting his insipid one-liners is their way of showing the world LOOGIT ME I HAVE A BLAND SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT WHAT I DO! The same goes with Seth Meyers, but he’s a more visible talentless shithead.

At first, it was easy to ignore. Roll my eyes at the lame gag that Judy Battista copied to her followers. But then they just kept cropping up. Bob Glauber. Mort. Glazer. Every goddamn big-name NFL reporter loves to help spread this guy’s shtick across the face of the Internet. Why? Maybe because he works for Letterman and that’s the extent of their comedy awareness. Maybe because he’s just clean and anodyne enough to fly within staid soulless corporate circles. MAYBE BECAUSE GOD HATES US AND REVELS IN THE FRUITS OF HIS CRUELTY.

So I started following Stangel’s feed. Yeah, that’s fucking stupid, but remember I’m a masochistic asswipe. It’s same reason any of us still read Peter King, Bill Simmons or Jeff Pearlman’s blog. Or watch retarded cable news networks. It’s oddly comforting confirmation that prominent people are shitty at what they do and the reason they get to be shitty and well-paid is because the world sucks so why should I give a shit and drinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrinkdrink.

Drew summed up his forced topical hackiness nicely.

Stangel blows because he went to the Bill Scheft school of yuks.

“Are you like me? Do you think the BP oil spill might have been caused by The Situation hopping on a Jet Ski?”

Well done. Obviously, incredibly funny blog writers like Drew and awesome mainstream comedy writing jobs aren’t mutually exclusive. FJM’s Ken Tremendous/Michael Schur is busy being awesome with Parks & Recreation, but that job’s not the result of his work online. TV shows/The Onion should be knocking down doors to get people like Drew, Spencer Hall, Gourmet Spud and Jon Bois, but they’re not because eeeeeewwwww bloggers. And that’s fucking stupid. Maybe it will change, but probably not for a while. Sadly, in the meantime I’m stuck glaring a hole through my laptop anytime this shithead deposits another one of his comedic leavings on my Twitter feed.

Random unrelated programming note: Yes, there will be a Hard Knocks live blog this evening. Get your nicknames ready.

Brah, I don’t even know how to react to that! First, I’m all, like, WHEW! There’s Coldplay on the Pod. I praise Brahman for Coldplay. But then you go drop bombs on my moms with the no DMB disclosure. That’s like play-action mindf*ck, brah.

Brah! Is your black brah trying to hang on to the lingering strains of his blackness? Nah brah, you gotta indoctrinate that black brah to chill tunes. Otherwise he could get crazy subversive rap ideas and turn into a gangbanging brah. That’s no way for a black brah to be. It’s dope that you got him on the Coldplay, though. Just add Rilo Kiley and he and Peter King can be tight coffeehouse brahs.

But you really gotta get him on the DMB, brah. It’s, like, not getting your daily dose of chill without it. RDA of DMB, brah. You gotsta have it.

You’re just dropping all the knowledge on the Tweeple today, Brahmaster Fuller.

Armen Keteyian’s investigation into the death of former Titans quarterback Steve McNair has ignited renewed skepticism surrounding the apparent murder/suicide. While revelations about the alleged shooter and her relationship with the young man who provided her with the murder weapon may be old news to the police tasked with investigating the crime, it has opened the door for outside observers to don their sleuthing hats. One such amateur crime solver has taken to Twitter to air his suspicions. Good suspicions. Lofty suspicions.

You know what’s a reallystrange twist? Lemon in your coffee!

Only in LA, people!

Open like the bar at Amanda Bowers’s wedding (congrats, kiddos, and enjoy the illy sampler pack).

Those two exchanged more texts than Brett and I did all of last season.

Smells like Italian roast, with just a hint of…MURDER.

Seriously though, how many calls/texts is too many? If they had exchanged 25 texts would your suspicions wane?

If I buy a gun can we discuss my theory that McNair was murdered by the Freemasons? I am not a crackpot.

It’s a good thing he’s not spouting off statements like this in the NFL Network studio. After all, Deion Sanders is a child of God now.

Eisen updated his feed, saying that the statement was the work of someone who hacked his account. Of course, he just now got around the deleting the entry. Therefore, I’m inclined to believe he caught some of the ruttish “G8 Fever” that’s been going around. S’ok, Rich, happens to all of us at one time or another.

Get ready, ladies of Houston, because the Sex Cannon is heading your way. Want to know what that physical will reveal? That the cumslinger is 210 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal, and he’s ready to go deep, all damn night.

Santonio Holmes is in the news today for beating a routine weed possession rap, but that’s not the reason we’re writing about him. No, instead we have it on good authority (okay, Cotter over at One For the Other Thumb told us) that Holmes changed his Twitter name to Pussy Monsta. Unfortunately, the feed is locked to the public, so one must get by merely with imagining the exploits of a pussy monsta, though the fact that he follows Shaq, Kardashian and about a dozen fine ass women is amusement enough.

flubby sums the change up nicely: “It’s hard to believe you could have a cooler name than ‘Santonio’ but then he went and unleashed Pussy Monsta. For me, that’s cooler than the game winning TD in the Super Bowl.”

I love those days where something awesome falls out of the sky and into our inbox. And today we have one such treat: it’s Brett Favre’s hillbilly cousin, and his Twitter feed. And you thought Twitter was retarded. Well folks, in the right hands, it can be AWESOMELY RETARDED. An anonymous friend from Heavy.com’s The Burly Show explains:

We were talking some shit about Favre on our Twitter page and got an angry reply from someone who seems to be his cousin, once removed, who apparently is just scouring Twitter, looking for posts about his “cousin” and freaking the fuck out. He is at Biloxijim.. His tweets are 98% swearing at “the haters” and 2% talking about his son’s little league team. He only started 2 days ago, but it’s amazing, crazy stuff. Here are some highlights:

mortreport Brett is coming back, and who cares why? We get to watch him and that is all the reason I need to support him coming back.

Heading out to watch some Lil’League Baseball. Go #12 Jimmy Erwin aka J Rod

Our operationneeds you to appropriately screw with this guy, so I wanted to pass it along to you. You need to put out the call to your readers to incite this guy on Twitter and see how far over the edge we can get him.

Thanks,
KJ

Consider it done, my dear.