Bernard Berrian, seen here in a rare moment holding a football

Bernard Berrian has two catches on 16 targets through four games with the Vikings this season, a regrettable stat line that I’d wager is equal parts the result of Donovan McNabb playing quarterback and Berrian playing wide receiver. After Berrian’s claim on Twitter that he’d been open “the last four years,” Viking fan John Kriesel tweeted the following:

If you want to follow a hilarious twitter account, try @B_Twice (Bernard Berrian) who says that he’s open a lot and should get the ball more.

To which Berrian responded:

@johnkriesel Anytime u wanna watch the film with me. Not just one game but all of them. And if not sit down n shut up!

The only problem is that Kriesel is already sitting down, because he lost both of his legs in an IED blast in Fallujah while serving with the Minnesota National Guard. BONUS AWKWARDNESS: Kriesel is now a Minnesota state representative fighting to keep the Vikings in Minnesota.

All in all, it was a pretty mild Twitter exchange, Kriesel wasn’t offended, and the two have since traded phone calls. But that didn’t stop the media from blowing it out of proportion and saying that Berrian went “thermonuclear” on a double-amputee Iraq veteran.

Though it’s easy to feel sorry for Berrian due to the reactionary nature of the blogosphere, this isn’t the first time Berrian has gone over the line in responding to his Twitter haters. Judging by the not-at-all fabricated screencaps below, maybe it’s time Berrian clicked on some profiles and did some Googling about Twitter users before responding to their criticism.

CLARIFICATION: THESE ARE FAKE TWEETS THAT I CREATED IN PHOTOSHOP. THE POPE DID NOT TWEET AT BERNARD BERRIAN. THE DALAI LAMA DOES NOT HAVE A FANTASY FOOTBALL TEAM. BERNARD BERRIAN DID NOT THREATEN TO KICK A PUPPY WHO TWEETED AT HIM. THIS IS SATIRE PEOPLE.

Headline: BERNARD BERRIAN TELLS POPE TO GO TO HELL

Headline: BERNARD BERRIAN TELLS STEPHEN HAWKING TO STAND UP

Headline: BERNARD BERRIAN CALLS DOWN SYNDROME ACTOR ‘RETARDED’

(Pwned.)

Headline: BERNARD BERRIAN KICKS PUPPIES

Headline: BERNARD BERRIAN DEFINITELY DOESN’T CARE ANY MORE

Dude, Bernard. Over the line.

It’s moments like these that make using Twitter and blogging as a whole enjoyable. Doing the fake Philip Rivers Twitter feed is usually worth a chuckle and watching the steady uptick of followers is nice, but the real joy comes when despite all the perfectly obvious signs to the contrary, someone believes it’s actually Marmalard typing away his obscenity-laced ruminations. So God bless you, Eric Winter. All five entries on this teenager’s Twitter feed consists of actual trash talk to who he believes is Philip Rivers. Now, it could be that he’s that savvy and subtly playing into the joke or just really, truly dim. I’m inclined to believe the latter.

Lots of people complain that Twitter is a pointless waste of time.  And while that criticism is valid if you follow people who do nothing but re-tweet, I struggle to find a better source of wonder and wisdom than Martellus Bennett’s Twitter feed.  (To wit: “A man cannot send another man a smiley face n a txt message WTF”  So true, Marty.  So true.)

In case you don’t follow the flood of tweets from Marty B, yesterday he broke down his racial heritage.  It’s math-tastic:

I’m 1/4 Indian (my pocohontas skin tone gives that away) Im 4/8 Negro the way i say four gives it away (fo)1/6 pappadeaux 2/3 cowboy 1/19 11:51 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Animal (part liger) 2/20 transformer and 7/35 blue bonnett Texas babamy. Wat r u 11:52 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Oh and I’m 3/47 alien ET my 1st cousin 11:54 AM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

Jus found out I’m 1/80 Aggie thanks E. King Gill LOL I think that’s his name. He’s the reason for the whole 12th man tradition. 12:00 PM Apr 29th from TwitterFon

So, for anyone keeping count, Martellus Bennett is approximately 1.86 people.  Give or take.  And frankly, that sounds about right.

/awaiting iTwitter shirts