Laura here is in her first season with the Cincinnati Ben-Gals cheerleading team. At 41, she is also the oldest cheerleader in the league. Admirably, she has refused to let age stand in the way of her desperate, desperate need for attention. Sorry, that’s a really mean joke; actually I think it’s kind of cool to have a cheerleader who is old enough to have given a hanj to Ickey Woods at Riverfront Stadium. [ KyPost via Deuce of Davenport ]

Jeremy Shockey thinks there’s no way LeBron James could even make an NFL practice squad. So shut up before he punches you in your fag mouth.

The league admits officials mistakenly gave the Browns four timeouts in the second half Monday; thus giving Eric Mangini an extra two minutes to blink in silent terror on the sidelines. [ PFT ]

The NYT’s Freakonomics blog discusses the decade’s most overblown fears. Number one in the NFL? Mike Martz’s coaching prowess.

The Bills’ hometown newspaper reports that interim coach Perry Fewell has benched quarterback Trent Edwards in favor of Ryan Fitzpatrick. If you have Edwards on your fantasy team you should go ahead and make a roster adjustment… and then never play again for the rest of your life.

The home of Buffalo Bill Leodis McKelvin was vandalized after the kick returner’s fumble cost his team a win over the New England Patriots. According to authorities in Hamburg, NY, someone spray-painted obscenities and the game’s final score on the player’s lawn. Head coach Dick Jauron called the act “despicable”, but cautioned that a search would be fruitless waste of time and resources. “Whoever did this horrible deed– a gang of teenagers, no doubt– is probably hundreds of miles away by now. As a community we need to turn the page and forget this whole sordid affair,” said Jauron, eyes darting side to side.

McKelvin’s fumble allowed New England to overcome an 11 point deficit in scarcely more than two minutes. The Bills have now lost their last three Monday night games by a total of four points. But despite these devastating losses Buffalo fans have, until now, been considered a forgiving lot. McKelvin has vowed that he will not let this incident ruin his relationship with the city and the team’s fans.

Sources, quoted on the condition of anonymity, say that someone painted “choke”, “loser” and “coaches get fired over sh-t like this” on McKelvin’s lawn. “I hope the perpetrators have a nasty bruise on their right knee from tripping on the sprinkler head just to the left of the hydrangeas,” added Jauron who was wearing gloves despite the unseasonably warm weather.

Jauron added that if the act was not committed by teenagers, then it was certainly the work of foreigners, most likely al-Qaeda or French President Nicolas Sarkozy.

 
This week, we’re holding the third annual KSK Kares Kharity Drive to support Matt Ufford’s participation in Fight Gone Bad, which raises money for the Wounded Warrior Project and Athletes for a Cure. Please donate at Ufford’s fundraising page.

A former Buffalo Bills employee has been indicted in state court for stealing from the team. Shockingly, this person is not former quarterback J.P. Losman. Buffalo fans were stunned to learn that their team was pressing theft charges against someone other than the 2004 first-round bust out of Tulane.

Former administrative assistant Bonnie Krauss, and not the new quarterback for the UFL’s Las Vegas franchise, plead not guilty to charges she embezzled $70,382 while employed by the Bills.

Krauss, who, unlike Losman,was not among a class of draftees that included Ben Roethisberger, Phillip Rivers and Eli Manning, has been accused of unlawfully falsifying team documents for her personal gain but not of accepting millions of dollars to suck ass, get hurt and throw interceptions.

Most people didn’t think there’d be a huge reception for Terrell Owens when he got to Buffalo, but most people don’t realize that the airport doubles as the coolest hangout spot in town. And so there were legions of sad, sad Bills fans there to greet their newest 35-year-old clubhouse cancer, who brought a VH1 crew in tow to capture the whoops of the downtrodden for T.O.’s upcoming reality show.

Mayor Byron Brown later presented Owens with a key to the city, though hopefully it doesn’t work on medicine cabinets because there have been some issues with the pills.

Video of his airport arrival is after the jump because it’s one of those annoying ones that starts automatically.

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We learned yesterday that Buffalo fullback Corey McIntyre was arrested in March and charged with a misdemeanor for alleged masturbating in a woman’s front yard in Port St. Lucie, Florida. The sordid details:

The 59-year-old woman told police she was at her home about 8:30 a.m. sitting at the computer when she heard a knock at the window. The blinds were closed or mostly closed, and when she looked out the window she saw a man masturbating.

The man was described as being about 5 feet 10 inches tall and in his 20s. He reportedly had dreadlocks and wore a white T-shirt and dark pants, and had a muscular build. An officer spotted a muscular man on a bicycle, and when the woman was taken to the man, the woman said, “That’s him.”

Actually, this is a simple misunderstanding caused by a difference of cultures. McIntyre, as his surname suggests, is a proud Scotsman. He was merely taking part in his national pastime– the Scottish Biathlon. The rules of Scottish Biathlon are fairly simple: bike for a while, stop to enjoy quick wank, then back on the bike for a leisurely jaunt to the finish line.

If this woman had possessed a greater appreciation for foreign traditions, she wouldn’t have called the police on McIntyre. Instead she could have whipped up some haggis for him, as is the custom of Scottish Biathlon spectators. This would have provided McIntyre with the protein needed to rub one out and finish his Tour D’ Fap.

[ TCPalm ]

The BuzzCuts wayback machine takes us to the early 1990’s where we meet Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan. Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan is passionate about two things: the Buffalo Bills and feathering his magnificent sandy brown hair. Unfortunately for Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan, we all know how the game went down.

Hopefully, Mark Miller: Buffalo Bills Fan has not dropped dead of jugular vein thrombosis. If he is alive and well and plans on a smooth trip across the border to see his Bills in their new home, he better get that anger-management problem of his under control. One sure-fire remedy I recommend is to forget he ever heard of the shitty Buffalo Bills.

The Bills and the Rogers Centre have unveiled their “series logo” for the team’s upcoming games in Toronto over the next several seasons. This expertly-crafted graphic has everything you would expect from a major sporting event logo– maple leaf, that CN Tower dealie– everything except any mention of the word “Buffalo” in conjunction with the Bills.

My corporate-speak dictionary tells me that “series logo” is a euphemism for “new team logo as soon as the old man finally drops dead.” Buffalo fans who are troubled by a seemingly inevitable move should look at the positive side– it will be a lot easier to follow the Bills in Toronto than if they were to move to, say, Los Angeles.